Dearest Readers,
Here is my attempt to quell some of the hate that arises when one approaches the subject of interracial couples. Unfortunately, this may be the last blog of Kris The Critic. I am sure some bitter, angry, sharpshootin' sista is going to take my black ass out for the title alone on this one. Make no mistake, our society has made leaps and bounds when it comes to race relations. However, there are some folks (black and white) whose blood still boils when the thought of a chocolate brother chasing after a snow bunny crosses their mind. While we can study a myriad of racial and gender combinations, today's discussion focuses on THE BLACK MAN AND THE WHITE WOMAN...Why? Because in my opinion it evokes the most emotion from the widest variety of people. For whatever reason, this pisses everybody off the highest limits of pissivity (new Kris The Critic word...Learn it, dammit!)...black women, white men, black men, white women, mothers, fathers, grandparents, kids...everyone has a stance on this one. Let's check out a scenario that may sound familiar -
Woody, a young, handsome African American male from an average background rises above monumental obstacles and beats the odds and reaches the pennacle in his particular sport. Now, as a big time athlete, the young man has an Oprah-like salary, Mike-like endorsements, and a Beatles-like fan base. His face is everywhere and adorned by many. He donates millions to the less fortunate. Public service announcements are part of his personal creed. People from all walks look to him as a role model. The press even crowns Woody as The One ..As is said in the hood, "Dat N&%%# done made it". Woody soons learns that he can have any type of woman he wanted. Hell, Kris The Critic would have a friggin' smorgasbord of Honeys...You wouldn't be able to tell me Sh&#. I'd have a different chick for every day of the week...No, the month! Oops, Let me not digress. Let's get back to Woody...Woody chooses to marry Becky. Becky is a nice caucasion women who is drop dead gorgeous. All of a sudden, Woody is looked at slightly differently...Here are some typical comments -
Black Men - "I want a white woman too!...These black women just want my money"
White Men - "Now all black men are gonna try to take our good, white women"
White Women - "You know, I think I might get me one of those rich black athletes, I hear they are good in bed"
Black Women - "Another brother giving a chick extra points because she is white"
Am I lying people?
Kris The Critic is not going to bore you with historical facts or occurences that may have lead to these hard core stances. We all know about slavery, jim crow laws, bigotry, etc. These obviously add to our perceptions of what is right or wrong, good or bad as it pertains to race. By no means, does this blog intend to belittle the horrible injustices done in our country. Personally, I say "Live and Let Live". I am sick and tired of all this hating on other people's happiness. My grandmother wasn't lying when she said "misery loves company"...We should be happy for anyone who finds love no matter what race, color, or creed. Wasn't that what our forfathers fought for anyway? The right to make our own choices? Did they die in vain?
That is my position. However, I am not going to give you a true answer to the proverbial conundrum of interracial dating. It doesn't exist.
Instead, I pose a simple, yet real question - DOES IT MATTER WHAT RACE ONE DATES OR MARRIES?...WHY?...WHY NOT?
Kris The Critic
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Ghetto vs. Bourgeois
Welcome Back Critics,
Ever since I was a Baby Critic, there has seemed to be a rift between two groups - "Ghetto folks" and "Bourgeois folks". It's time to take a deep look into this situation. Is one group good and one group bad? Is one smart and one dumb? Is one rich and one poor? Believe it or not, Kris The Critic is on the fence on this one. I know what you're thinking...Anyone who blogs with such brilliance can't be on this fence...and definitely can't be ghetto. Hmmm, maybe you're right, maybe not. There are pros and cons to both. Don't believe me? Let's take a look at the following "real life" example of a young, handsome, well-dressed gentleman trying to gain the interest of an attractive young woman observed by yours truly at a recent event. Here we go. These are not actors.
Guy: 'Sup Shawty (slouched posture, looking the woman's body up and down)
Girl: Hello to you, and my name is not shorty (turning away with a slight roll of her eyes...as if in disgust)
Guy: My bad 'lil mama, my name is Le'quan aka Big L, whut dey call you? (with a look of sincerity)
Girl: Well Le'quan , my name is "Nunya" as in "None Of Your Business" and I'd really don't want to waste your time or mine, so let's end this conversation now (begins to walk away).
Guy: Man, it's like dat? A brother just wanted to know if maybe I could take you out to a nice place to eat and conversate a 'lil bit.
Girl: First of all, it's converse, not conversate. And secondly, you are so not my type (she walks away).
Ok people, let's debrief this short, but insightful exchange of pleasantries. The guy with the "ghetto" lingo definitely didn't help his case by not initially introducing himself to the young lady. He had an uphill battle from the start. He didn't have a snowball's chance in hell at getting a date. However, he had some positive qualities...He was honest, well-dressed, handsome, sincere in his attempt to take the woman out, and apologized for calling her "shawty". The woman who seemed like the victim of "another loser trying to holla" was actually in my opinion the loser. Why? She was rude in her responses and quick to point out the guys errors in his word usage. But more importantly, though two different types of people, she was not willing to even consider the young man's offerings or find out anything about him.
All too often, we "judge a book by its cover". Maybe it's just a f@#$*& up cover. Maybe the content of the book is what has been missing in our lives. Make no mistake people, Kris The Critic understands the important of being able to complete a sentence using standard English. But, would it have been too much work to ask a few clarifying questions versus the rush to dismissal? Such as, What do you do for a living? Is that how you typically approach young women? Too many times, the reason we can't find happiness is because we are too caught up in what we think is best for us. The truth is that one is not better than the other, just different. All I'm saying is that every now and then, maybe we should actually read just a few pages in the book.
Live and Learn
Kris The Critic
Ever since I was a Baby Critic, there has seemed to be a rift between two groups - "Ghetto folks" and "Bourgeois folks". It's time to take a deep look into this situation. Is one group good and one group bad? Is one smart and one dumb? Is one rich and one poor? Believe it or not, Kris The Critic is on the fence on this one. I know what you're thinking...Anyone who blogs with such brilliance can't be on this fence...and definitely can't be ghetto. Hmmm, maybe you're right, maybe not. There are pros and cons to both. Don't believe me? Let's take a look at the following "real life" example of a young, handsome, well-dressed gentleman trying to gain the interest of an attractive young woman observed by yours truly at a recent event. Here we go. These are not actors.
Guy: 'Sup Shawty (slouched posture, looking the woman's body up and down)
Girl: Hello to you, and my name is not shorty (turning away with a slight roll of her eyes...as if in disgust)
Guy: My bad 'lil mama, my name is Le'quan aka Big L, whut dey call you? (with a look of sincerity)
Girl: Well Le'quan , my name is "Nunya" as in "None Of Your Business" and I'd really don't want to waste your time or mine, so let's end this conversation now (begins to walk away).
Guy: Man, it's like dat? A brother just wanted to know if maybe I could take you out to a nice place to eat and conversate a 'lil bit.
Girl: First of all, it's converse, not conversate. And secondly, you are so not my type (she walks away).
Ok people, let's debrief this short, but insightful exchange of pleasantries. The guy with the "ghetto" lingo definitely didn't help his case by not initially introducing himself to the young lady. He had an uphill battle from the start. He didn't have a snowball's chance in hell at getting a date. However, he had some positive qualities...He was honest, well-dressed, handsome, sincere in his attempt to take the woman out, and apologized for calling her "shawty". The woman who seemed like the victim of "another loser trying to holla" was actually in my opinion the loser. Why? She was rude in her responses and quick to point out the guys errors in his word usage. But more importantly, though two different types of people, she was not willing to even consider the young man's offerings or find out anything about him.
All too often, we "judge a book by its cover". Maybe it's just a f@#$*& up cover. Maybe the content of the book is what has been missing in our lives. Make no mistake people, Kris The Critic understands the important of being able to complete a sentence using standard English. But, would it have been too much work to ask a few clarifying questions versus the rush to dismissal? Such as, What do you do for a living? Is that how you typically approach young women? Too many times, the reason we can't find happiness is because we are too caught up in what we think is best for us. The truth is that one is not better than the other, just different. All I'm saying is that every now and then, maybe we should actually read just a few pages in the book.
Live and Learn
Kris The Critic
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Here Are Your New Year's Resolutions
Happy "Whatever-it-is-you-celebrate-at-this-time-of-year"!,
The wise one is back to help you with your New Year's Resolutions. You should be pondering at least two things at the moment. First, isn't it still a little early to be putting together our resolutions for the next year. Secondly, Who in the Sam Hell does Kris The Critic think he is to just dole out resolutions on his readers' behalf. Well, my little Criterlings, this year was that damn stank. It sucked! and swallowed (can't believed I just typed that). It was only slightly better than the year slavery started. So, we need extra time to devise a comprehensive list. Furthermore, I'm the Critic dammit!...and, and, oh shut up and just listen. Here are your top ten resolutions (that you actually have a shot at sticking to) for the next year.
10. Gain 10 Pounds - That's right GAIN 10 pounds. It is down right asinine to try to lose weight when I know most of you didn't lose even a gram last year. By setting a 10 pound gain goal you can at least be a happier fat person. Losing weight is for losers.
9. Find A Rich Friend - Look, I'm not going to bore you with the standard "make a budget" crap. An extra $100 a month from not buying stuff you like will only remind you of how broke you are. You need cars, vacations, clothes and cash. Find a filthy rich friend. Rich folks are happy to treat their broke-ass friends.
8. Don't Die - Listen, their are million ways to die these days - Guns, Domestic Violence, STD's...So yes, a goal for this year should be to stay alive. I'm serious ya'll. Look at all the people who have died this year.
7. Learn To Tell A Lie - Listen people, this is the real world. I'm not saying become a world class con artist. However, is there anything wrong with telling your boss you love your new assignment when in reality it made you want to blow up the building? That little fib will have the whole company buzzing about your "ambitious" work style...and soon, Cha-Ching!
6. Donate Some of Your Rich Friend's Money To Charity - Hey, the act of giving to the less fortunate feeds one's soul. So what, if it's not your money.
5. Beat Your Kids - Hmmm, it seems like this makes a lot of lists. However, today's youth are some stark raving lunatics. "Whoopin dat ass" will help give these kids the discipline they need to succeed in the future.
4. Read A Book - Whoa!...You didn't think all of these were going to be a walk in the park, did you?. Live on the wild side. Learn a few new words. Trust me, it won't hurt.
3. Stop Being The Other Woman - This year, like most years was definitely the year of the cheating man. Kris The Critic knows that men will never change. So ladies, it's up to you. Don't be the Ho...become the ho-usewife.
2. Get Rid Of 3 Loser Friends - Look, do you want this next year to be like this one? Trust me? As soon as you kick these life-sucking parasites to the curb, you will realize a healthier, happier existence.
1. Pray - Know that your triflin' ass is bound for failure if you try to achieve new heights by your lonesome self. That's why you needed this list in the first place.
Ok, that's it...we still have time people, any re-writes needed?...You are welcome. Please send all holiday gifts to my P.O. Box
Kris The Critic
The wise one is back to help you with your New Year's Resolutions. You should be pondering at least two things at the moment. First, isn't it still a little early to be putting together our resolutions for the next year. Secondly, Who in the Sam Hell does Kris The Critic think he is to just dole out resolutions on his readers' behalf. Well, my little Criterlings, this year was that damn stank. It sucked! and swallowed (can't believed I just typed that). It was only slightly better than the year slavery started. So, we need extra time to devise a comprehensive list. Furthermore, I'm the Critic dammit!...and, and, oh shut up and just listen. Here are your top ten resolutions (that you actually have a shot at sticking to) for the next year.
10. Gain 10 Pounds - That's right GAIN 10 pounds. It is down right asinine to try to lose weight when I know most of you didn't lose even a gram last year. By setting a 10 pound gain goal you can at least be a happier fat person. Losing weight is for losers.
9. Find A Rich Friend - Look, I'm not going to bore you with the standard "make a budget" crap. An extra $100 a month from not buying stuff you like will only remind you of how broke you are. You need cars, vacations, clothes and cash. Find a filthy rich friend. Rich folks are happy to treat their broke-ass friends.
8. Don't Die - Listen, their are million ways to die these days - Guns, Domestic Violence, STD's...So yes, a goal for this year should be to stay alive. I'm serious ya'll. Look at all the people who have died this year.
7. Learn To Tell A Lie - Listen people, this is the real world. I'm not saying become a world class con artist. However, is there anything wrong with telling your boss you love your new assignment when in reality it made you want to blow up the building? That little fib will have the whole company buzzing about your "ambitious" work style...and soon, Cha-Ching!
6. Donate Some of Your Rich Friend's Money To Charity - Hey, the act of giving to the less fortunate feeds one's soul. So what, if it's not your money.
5. Beat Your Kids - Hmmm, it seems like this makes a lot of lists. However, today's youth are some stark raving lunatics. "Whoopin dat ass" will help give these kids the discipline they need to succeed in the future.
4. Read A Book - Whoa!...You didn't think all of these were going to be a walk in the park, did you?. Live on the wild side. Learn a few new words. Trust me, it won't hurt.
3. Stop Being The Other Woman - This year, like most years was definitely the year of the cheating man. Kris The Critic knows that men will never change. So ladies, it's up to you. Don't be the Ho...become the ho-usewife.
2. Get Rid Of 3 Loser Friends - Look, do you want this next year to be like this one? Trust me? As soon as you kick these life-sucking parasites to the curb, you will realize a healthier, happier existence.
1. Pray - Know that your triflin' ass is bound for failure if you try to achieve new heights by your lonesome self. That's why you needed this list in the first place.
Ok, that's it...we still have time people, any re-writes needed?...You are welcome. Please send all holiday gifts to my P.O. Box
Kris The Critic
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
It's My Birthday - Just Shoot Me Now
Seasons Greetings Humanoids,
Your favorite scribe has just celebrated another birthday. Thank-you, Thank-you...I can hear all of your well-wishes from here. During these uncertain times, we should all celebrate another year just walking atop Mother Earth...right? Well, when you are Kris The Critic the party expectations are at friggin' space shuttle level. And, as a servant to you, the people, I aim to please. During my time on the celestial body on which we live, I have not only lived up to, but exceeded expectations. Don't believe me? Go ahead, ask one of my buddies. No, don't do that, I don't want anyone to be an accessory to any laws broken, especially the moral ones (for the record, all of those women from years past were all legal). So, here's an example...On second thought, let's discuss that offline, ok? (shhh...my mom reads my blogs)...Hi mom!
But alas, I have come to a sobering realization...I AM GETTING OLD!...F^$&, S#^$*, MUTHA#%$&@. This ain't cool...Somebody pass me another drink. I am reading an article that says that your bodies' cells stop multiplying and dividing in your 20's and then...well, it's all down hill from there...Dammit! I should've stopped reading that article...DRINKING KILLS MORE CELLS!...Somebody take this drink!...Just stick a hot fork in my ass now because I am done...How old am I? I just made...nope...F-THAT!...I am about to live in denial...and YOU SHOULD TOO!...Unfortunately, Mother Nature and Father Time are the meanest Sons of Bitches in existence. Though, I am still a sexy beast (I am...check out my slightly photoshopped photo), I looked in the mirror and made some 3 sobering realizations. Here they are...in no particular order...BUT THEY SUCK ASS EQUALLY.
MY HAIR - WTF! I have heard of a receding hair line but this is just disappearing hair! Can it even be called a hair-LINE if its patchy? I'm feeling a little sad now. I think a tear just ran down my face. Do you know how many women I've gotten to second base with just because of my hair. Hopefully, my wife will be gentle when she tells me to let it go, before I look like a Peobo Bryson reject.
My Body - When did this happen? It seems like yesterday, I could eat a burrito as big as your head and remain as tight as a marine. Women used to even love my butt. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BUTT!. Everything that's suppose to be big is small, and everything that's suppose to be small is big. Excuse me, while I go outside and beat the crap out of some young handsome teenager. Fuckers!
My Mind - This brain used to be able to extract millions of pieces of data in mere nanoseconds. Calculus - simple. Physics - cake. My social calendar - 6 months out in advance ETCHED into my mind - BY THE HOUR. NOW, I can never seem to get everything my wife tells me to get on the grocery list. Great, early onset Alzheimer's.
Well people, writing this blog has made me hate myself. This is my last piece. I am going to shoot myself in my fat gut and then blow my demented mind to smithereens as soon as I'm done typing. With my luck, I probably won't even die. Hey Mother Nature and Father Time! BLOW ME. I'm going to have another drink.
Kris The Critic
P.S.
Since I'm about to die, maybe I should write my "bucket list"...Thoughts?
Your favorite scribe has just celebrated another birthday. Thank-you, Thank-you...I can hear all of your well-wishes from here. During these uncertain times, we should all celebrate another year just walking atop Mother Earth...right? Well, when you are Kris The Critic the party expectations are at friggin' space shuttle level. And, as a servant to you, the people, I aim to please. During my time on the celestial body on which we live, I have not only lived up to, but exceeded expectations. Don't believe me? Go ahead, ask one of my buddies. No, don't do that, I don't want anyone to be an accessory to any laws broken, especially the moral ones (for the record, all of those women from years past were all legal). So, here's an example...On second thought, let's discuss that offline, ok? (shhh...my mom reads my blogs)...Hi mom!
But alas, I have come to a sobering realization...I AM GETTING OLD!...F^$&, S#^$*, MUTHA#%$&@. This ain't cool...Somebody pass me another drink. I am reading an article that says that your bodies' cells stop multiplying and dividing in your 20's and then...well, it's all down hill from there...Dammit! I should've stopped reading that article...DRINKING KILLS MORE CELLS!...Somebody take this drink!...Just stick a hot fork in my ass now because I am done...How old am I? I just made...nope...F-THAT!...I am about to live in denial...and YOU SHOULD TOO!...Unfortunately, Mother Nature and Father Time are the meanest Sons of Bitches in existence. Though, I am still a sexy beast (I am...check out my slightly photoshopped photo), I looked in the mirror and made some 3 sobering realizations. Here they are...in no particular order...BUT THEY SUCK ASS EQUALLY.
MY HAIR - WTF! I have heard of a receding hair line but this is just disappearing hair! Can it even be called a hair-LINE if its patchy? I'm feeling a little sad now. I think a tear just ran down my face. Do you know how many women I've gotten to second base with just because of my hair. Hopefully, my wife will be gentle when she tells me to let it go, before I look like a Peobo Bryson reject.
My Body - When did this happen? It seems like yesterday, I could eat a burrito as big as your head and remain as tight as a marine. Women used to even love my butt. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BUTT!. Everything that's suppose to be big is small, and everything that's suppose to be small is big. Excuse me, while I go outside and beat the crap out of some young handsome teenager. Fuckers!
My Mind - This brain used to be able to extract millions of pieces of data in mere nanoseconds. Calculus - simple. Physics - cake. My social calendar - 6 months out in advance ETCHED into my mind - BY THE HOUR. NOW, I can never seem to get everything my wife tells me to get on the grocery list. Great, early onset Alzheimer's.
Well people, writing this blog has made me hate myself. This is my last piece. I am going to shoot myself in my fat gut and then blow my demented mind to smithereens as soon as I'm done typing. With my luck, I probably won't even die. Hey Mother Nature and Father Time! BLOW ME. I'm going to have another drink.
Kris The Critic
P.S.
Since I'm about to die, maybe I should write my "bucket list"...Thoughts?
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Hey Yo Fat Girl, C'mere Are Ya Ticklish
Greetings My Supersized Sisters and Brothers,
This piece is a friendly reminder for all of us to be mindful of healthy nutrition...Ok, that's bullshit. WE ARE TOO DAMN FAT PEOPLE!...Say it..."My NAME IS _____________ AND I AM TOO DAMN FAT"...Good. Admission is the first stage of recovery. Kris The Critic is a servant for the people. It is my duty to let you know that we Americans spend way too much time stuffing our friggin' pie-holes...And don't get all sensitive on me either. Hell, practically everyone is carrying a lil extra jelly around belly. C'mon...Let's all sit in a big fat circle and begin...No farting please...
How did we get like this?...One must always seek the source of a problem when searching for a solution (hmmmm...that's pretty damned profound - maybe I can apply this to....oh well, back to the fat, I mean matter at hand)...The answer is...drum roll please...WE EAT TOO MUCH. Okay, there are about 37 other reasons, but Kris The Critic will touch on a few culprits decimating our waistlines. You work on the following and I guarantee you will be parading around your naked new body in no time. THESE METHODS DON'T EVEN INVOLVE CHANGING YOUR DIET. But beware, these are extreme measures. Read further...if you dare.
#5) GET RID OF SOME TECHNOLOGY - This includes tv remote controls, ipods, and cell phones...Hello? Are you still there? Can you hear me now? Listen, desperate times call for desperate measures. Isn't that over worked heart of yours worth it? Think about how many thousands of calories you would have saved this year alone if you actually had to get your slothful tail up to change the television station, make a phone call, change a radio station...or heaven forbid, write a letter to someone versus an instant text message.
#4) SELL YOUR CAR - Wow, I know you weren't expecting to hear that one. Think about it for a second. If you had to actually to take a bus to every place you drove, you'd be back to runway model status in no time. Besides, you would grocery shop less, visit no fast-food drive-thru windows, and have no way to make it to the 3 holiday dinners you plan to attend...not to mention all the gas money you'd save from driving you and your blubber butt around.
3) HAVE SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE - Hey!...You decided to be with that tub-o-lard, not me. I also think there you decided to be with this person because at some point there were some redeeming qualities about them. Besides, fat people need lovin' too...When you add up spooning, foreplay, intercourse, and getting up to get some juice...THAT'S A WORKOUT...If you get up to screaming orgasms status on a regular basis, you both will be thin in no time.
#2) STOP DOING THE DRUGS - Medical science makes dealing with all these weight related illnesses too easy. I bet you a ham sandwich that if we stopped giving diabetics a pill and returned to that painful finger prick that would make at least a few people say no to that second helping of pie. Similarly, all these high cholesterol commercials make it seem like its normal to eat fatty foods until your blood is as thick as pancake syrup. After, a chest pain or two, a little diet and excercise wouldn't seem so bad.
#1) BEAT YOUR KIDS - Please don't call DCFS just yet. This is a win-win for you and your fat-ass kids. Think about it. You get a pretty good workout furnishing your offspring a well-deserved, old-school butt-"whoopin'"...And the kids? I guarantee you, if you whoop them 3 times a week for 15 minutes, you will drop inches in no time. Your kid will also drop the video game remote and ice cream to head outside and play (getting them some much needed exercise).
Again, desperate times call for desperate measures...Be Healthy!
Kris The Critic
This piece is a friendly reminder for all of us to be mindful of healthy nutrition...Ok, that's bullshit. WE ARE TOO DAMN FAT PEOPLE!...Say it..."My NAME IS _____________ AND I AM TOO DAMN FAT"...Good. Admission is the first stage of recovery. Kris The Critic is a servant for the people. It is my duty to let you know that we Americans spend way too much time stuffing our friggin' pie-holes...And don't get all sensitive on me either. Hell, practically everyone is carrying a lil extra jelly around belly. C'mon...Let's all sit in a big fat circle and begin...No farting please...
How did we get like this?...One must always seek the source of a problem when searching for a solution (hmmmm...that's pretty damned profound - maybe I can apply this to....oh well, back to the fat, I mean matter at hand)...The answer is...drum roll please...WE EAT TOO MUCH. Okay, there are about 37 other reasons, but Kris The Critic will touch on a few culprits decimating our waistlines. You work on the following and I guarantee you will be parading around your naked new body in no time. THESE METHODS DON'T EVEN INVOLVE CHANGING YOUR DIET. But beware, these are extreme measures. Read further...if you dare.
#5) GET RID OF SOME TECHNOLOGY - This includes tv remote controls, ipods, and cell phones...Hello? Are you still there? Can you hear me now? Listen, desperate times call for desperate measures. Isn't that over worked heart of yours worth it? Think about how many thousands of calories you would have saved this year alone if you actually had to get your slothful tail up to change the television station, make a phone call, change a radio station...or heaven forbid, write a letter to someone versus an instant text message.
#4) SELL YOUR CAR - Wow, I know you weren't expecting to hear that one. Think about it for a second. If you had to actually to take a bus to every place you drove, you'd be back to runway model status in no time. Besides, you would grocery shop less, visit no fast-food drive-thru windows, and have no way to make it to the 3 holiday dinners you plan to attend...not to mention all the gas money you'd save from driving you and your blubber butt around.
3) HAVE SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE - Hey!...You decided to be with that tub-o-lard, not me. I also think there you decided to be with this person because at some point there were some redeeming qualities about them. Besides, fat people need lovin' too...When you add up spooning, foreplay, intercourse, and getting up to get some juice...THAT'S A WORKOUT...If you get up to screaming orgasms status on a regular basis, you both will be thin in no time.
#2) STOP DOING THE DRUGS - Medical science makes dealing with all these weight related illnesses too easy. I bet you a ham sandwich that if we stopped giving diabetics a pill and returned to that painful finger prick that would make at least a few people say no to that second helping of pie. Similarly, all these high cholesterol commercials make it seem like its normal to eat fatty foods until your blood is as thick as pancake syrup. After, a chest pain or two, a little diet and excercise wouldn't seem so bad.
#1) BEAT YOUR KIDS - Please don't call DCFS just yet. This is a win-win for you and your fat-ass kids. Think about it. You get a pretty good workout furnishing your offspring a well-deserved, old-school butt-"whoopin'"...And the kids? I guarantee you, if you whoop them 3 times a week for 15 minutes, you will drop inches in no time. Your kid will also drop the video game remote and ice cream to head outside and play (getting them some much needed exercise).
Again, desperate times call for desperate measures...Be Healthy!
Kris The Critic
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Do All Men Cheat?
Welcome back critics,
At the risk of being publicly flogged by my fellow male brethren, I hesitate to write this blog. But, my duty is to the reader. I must brave the risk...Besides, I am not one of those soft, candy ass writers you see on TV...I wish somebody would try to whoop the critic over some words...I digress...Back to our topic. After a careful poll of over 125 million men in the U.S. over 21 (that's almost all of the men in the country)...98.2% +/- 1.8% cheat. Sorry Ladies. Thanks for reading...See you next week.
OK, you guys do realize this was a fictitious poll. However, my point is that almost everyone is a cheater. If someone tells you otherwise, you are just being stupid. Now, this would be irresponsible journalism if I did not elaborate on such a claim. So, do not run off and throw some hot grits on your spouse because of Kris The Critic...not just yet anyway. There are actually some wonderful catches out there. How can this be you ask?...because there are different types of cheaters...Let's check them out:
1) The One Time Charlie - This is the guy you want your daughter to marry because the last time he cheated was in 6Th grade...and I am not sure that getting a hard-on checking out little Mallory's already developed boobs even counts...but I am sure if he knew what to do with that erection, he would have (so I am counting it). One Time Charlie usually has a very stable career as well... Unfortunately for you ladies, he is by far the most boring man on the planet. Going out on a date with him is like watching paint dry.
2) Ugly Dudley - This is the guy who had the looks only his momma could love. He was frequently the butt of many jokes as an adolescent. However, Ugly Dudley is now rolling in dough. He is still a good guy at heart...but believe me, he is going to try to get as much ass as humanly possible for a while...because pretty women and money have followed each other since the beginning of time...Hell, wouldn't you? At some point, he will realize who really loves him and will settle down. Unfortunately, the kids will be ugly and this cycle will repeat itself.
3) Regular Joe - Joe is well...just Joe...He represents most of the male species. There isn't on extreme thing about him. Joe is a naturally good guy...but since he is a regular Joe, he's only had regular babes. Unfortunately, there comes a few times in a man's life where he is presented opportunity in the form of a woman way out of his league. Call it chance, dumb friggin luck or whatever...Joe is going to eat that shit up like the last supper. Fortunately, that usually doesn't last long and most Joes eventually get their shit together.
4) Mr Everything - It seems like this guy has always had it all...looks, charm, babes...whatever...Some are good guys...some aren't...Either way, most guys are envious of him. Why? This guy has a collection of panties that would make Victoria Secrets jealous. He spends the early part of his life with plenty of women. A steady girlfriend here or there doesn't stop the party...It just adds excitement. Fortunately, Mr Everything usually grows up to realize he does not have everything and starts acting like a decent human being...(Make sure he isn't guy #5)
5) S.C. Man - Serial Cheating Man is usually (but not always) born with a silver spoon up his conceited ass. This guy does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with whoever he wants...Even though he is a grade A asshole...this is the guy most women compete for and gossip about...go figure. Most S.C.'s almost always settle down before 30 just to have a bevy of beauties as jump-offs. He lives a charmed life that is all upside. Unfortunately, what goes up, must come down...The S.C.'s downfall usually comes in the form of public scandal, jail, or murder...
So ladies, there you go...plenty of fish in the sea. Good Man hunting...Thoughts?
Kris The Critic
At the risk of being publicly flogged by my fellow male brethren, I hesitate to write this blog. But, my duty is to the reader. I must brave the risk...Besides, I am not one of those soft, candy ass writers you see on TV...I wish somebody would try to whoop the critic over some words...I digress...Back to our topic. After a careful poll of over 125 million men in the U.S. over 21 (that's almost all of the men in the country)...98.2% +/- 1.8% cheat. Sorry Ladies. Thanks for reading...See you next week.
OK, you guys do realize this was a fictitious poll. However, my point is that almost everyone is a cheater. If someone tells you otherwise, you are just being stupid. Now, this would be irresponsible journalism if I did not elaborate on such a claim. So, do not run off and throw some hot grits on your spouse because of Kris The Critic...not just yet anyway. There are actually some wonderful catches out there. How can this be you ask?...because there are different types of cheaters...Let's check them out:
1) The One Time Charlie - This is the guy you want your daughter to marry because the last time he cheated was in 6Th grade...and I am not sure that getting a hard-on checking out little Mallory's already developed boobs even counts...but I am sure if he knew what to do with that erection, he would have (so I am counting it). One Time Charlie usually has a very stable career as well... Unfortunately for you ladies, he is by far the most boring man on the planet. Going out on a date with him is like watching paint dry.
2) Ugly Dudley - This is the guy who had the looks only his momma could love. He was frequently the butt of many jokes as an adolescent. However, Ugly Dudley is now rolling in dough. He is still a good guy at heart...but believe me, he is going to try to get as much ass as humanly possible for a while...because pretty women and money have followed each other since the beginning of time...Hell, wouldn't you? At some point, he will realize who really loves him and will settle down. Unfortunately, the kids will be ugly and this cycle will repeat itself.
3) Regular Joe - Joe is well...just Joe...He represents most of the male species. There isn't on extreme thing about him. Joe is a naturally good guy...but since he is a regular Joe, he's only had regular babes. Unfortunately, there comes a few times in a man's life where he is presented opportunity in the form of a woman way out of his league. Call it chance, dumb friggin luck or whatever...Joe is going to eat that shit up like the last supper. Fortunately, that usually doesn't last long and most Joes eventually get their shit together.
4) Mr Everything - It seems like this guy has always had it all...looks, charm, babes...whatever...Some are good guys...some aren't...Either way, most guys are envious of him. Why? This guy has a collection of panties that would make Victoria Secrets jealous. He spends the early part of his life with plenty of women. A steady girlfriend here or there doesn't stop the party...It just adds excitement. Fortunately, Mr Everything usually grows up to realize he does not have everything and starts acting like a decent human being...(Make sure he isn't guy #5)
5) S.C. Man - Serial Cheating Man is usually (but not always) born with a silver spoon up his conceited ass. This guy does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with whoever he wants...Even though he is a grade A asshole...this is the guy most women compete for and gossip about...go figure. Most S.C.'s almost always settle down before 30 just to have a bevy of beauties as jump-offs. He lives a charmed life that is all upside. Unfortunately, what goes up, must come down...The S.C.'s downfall usually comes in the form of public scandal, jail, or murder...
So ladies, there you go...plenty of fish in the sea. Good Man hunting...Thoughts?
Kris The Critic
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
The Total Package Score
Hello People,
Kris The Critic has been bombarded by requests to drop some more relationship knowledge onto his loyal followers. Though I believe constant ramblings regarding matters of the heart can make one as soft as baby poo-poo, I am here to serve the people. Therefore, your wish is my command. Cop a squat and get out your notebooks. School is in session. This information should be put in a very safe place like in the urn over the fireplace with grandpa's ashes. If a SUCCESSFUL, LONG-TERM REALATIONSHIP is what you seek, this tool is that friggin' important. I don't care WHO you are...male, female, gay, straight, bi...and any other wild shit you people are on. It is called the TOTAL PACKAGE SCORE. The TPC consists of 3 parts - Finance, Appeal, Value. It is a simple, but fail-safe point scoring system. Each category is worth 5 points. We'll cover this at the end of the lesson.
Finance - People, money (not cheating) is the number 1 cause for divorce. As this recession is showing us...Ain't nobody happy if we are broke. Now, this does not mean become a gold-digger (that's a bad thing...It quickly leads to Ho status). However, some money has to be coming in. THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS...Has this person made money in the past? been successful in the past? or has high potential to make money?...Example, A med school intern who might be not be rolling in dough now, but will be in a few years...Or a suucessful business man whose been laid off (they usually bounce back)...These type of people should be given special consideration. Now, if you are with a broke wanna-be tycoon with bad credit who is over 30 and still is working on that master plan...Hmmm...well, that's not a good thing. Screw that...Run Muth#$#@# Run!
Appeal - This includes, but is not limited to the following: Looks, Hygiene, Dress, Sex Appeal, etc...These things get the short end of the stick sometimes in relationship conversations. Though one day all of us will be old and ugly..(I meant to say slightly less attractive), "Appeal" is of equal importance. If you hear of someone saying otherwise, tell them to see Kris The Critic. Fellas, if you fancy a women with a pretty face, little waist, and one of those cute onion shaped behinds...it is important. Ladies, if you desire a man who is tall, dark, handsome, well dressed, with a big...uh...golden staff...it is important. Here are some things that are negatives for everyone...if you come close tossing your cookies at the thought of kissing them, if they have butter-colored teeth...if they smell...and for all of you premarital sex sinners, if their bedroom game sucks, so will this relationship.
Value - Do no sell value short. This can best be described as one's belief system. This doesn't have to match 100%...that's wierd and phony if it ever does...BUT, IT HAS TO BE ONE THE SAME PAGE. If you believe in God and your mate has a " Satan Lives" tattoo...that's a hint that something is amiss...If you value education,and she rarely takes part in her other kids school affairs, that's not the chick to get pregnant. How many times have we heard of that perfect couple...they move in together and discover there are about 23 things or habits they hate about each other. Kris The Critic actually knew a woman who sometimes left the toilet unflushed...EWWWWW! These people, are called deal breakers. Know what yours are.
Scoring is simple...
12 and above...Marry them and skip the pre-nup. It will last....Guaranteed.
9-11...This is a relationship that can work with good communication and effort on both sides...
8 or less...Change your number. If they track you down...GET A RESTRAINING ORDER!
I'd like a wedding invite...This advice was your present.
Kris The Critic
Kris The Critic has been bombarded by requests to drop some more relationship knowledge onto his loyal followers. Though I believe constant ramblings regarding matters of the heart can make one as soft as baby poo-poo, I am here to serve the people. Therefore, your wish is my command. Cop a squat and get out your notebooks. School is in session. This information should be put in a very safe place like in the urn over the fireplace with grandpa's ashes. If a SUCCESSFUL, LONG-TERM REALATIONSHIP is what you seek, this tool is that friggin' important. I don't care WHO you are...male, female, gay, straight, bi...and any other wild shit you people are on. It is called the TOTAL PACKAGE SCORE. The TPC consists of 3 parts - Finance, Appeal, Value. It is a simple, but fail-safe point scoring system. Each category is worth 5 points. We'll cover this at the end of the lesson.
Finance - People, money (not cheating) is the number 1 cause for divorce. As this recession is showing us...Ain't nobody happy if we are broke. Now, this does not mean become a gold-digger (that's a bad thing...It quickly leads to Ho status). However, some money has to be coming in. THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS...Has this person made money in the past? been successful in the past? or has high potential to make money?...Example, A med school intern who might be not be rolling in dough now, but will be in a few years...Or a suucessful business man whose been laid off (they usually bounce back)...These type of people should be given special consideration. Now, if you are with a broke wanna-be tycoon with bad credit who is over 30 and still is working on that master plan...Hmmm...well, that's not a good thing. Screw that...Run Muth#$#@# Run!
Appeal - This includes, but is not limited to the following: Looks, Hygiene, Dress, Sex Appeal, etc...These things get the short end of the stick sometimes in relationship conversations. Though one day all of us will be old and ugly..(I meant to say slightly less attractive), "Appeal" is of equal importance. If you hear of someone saying otherwise, tell them to see Kris The Critic. Fellas, if you fancy a women with a pretty face, little waist, and one of those cute onion shaped behinds...it is important. Ladies, if you desire a man who is tall, dark, handsome, well dressed, with a big...uh...golden staff...it is important. Here are some things that are negatives for everyone...if you come close tossing your cookies at the thought of kissing them, if they have butter-colored teeth...if they smell...and for all of you premarital sex sinners, if their bedroom game sucks, so will this relationship.
Value - Do no sell value short. This can best be described as one's belief system. This doesn't have to match 100%...that's wierd and phony if it ever does...BUT, IT HAS TO BE ONE THE SAME PAGE. If you believe in God and your mate has a " Satan Lives" tattoo...that's a hint that something is amiss...If you value education,and she rarely takes part in her other kids school affairs, that's not the chick to get pregnant. How many times have we heard of that perfect couple...they move in together and discover there are about 23 things or habits they hate about each other. Kris The Critic actually knew a woman who sometimes left the toilet unflushed...EWWWWW! These people, are called deal breakers. Know what yours are.
Scoring is simple...
12 and above...Marry them and skip the pre-nup. It will last....Guaranteed.
9-11...This is a relationship that can work with good communication and effort on both sides...
8 or less...Change your number. If they track you down...GET A RESTRAINING ORDER!
I'd like a wedding invite...This advice was your present.
Kris The Critic
Friday, November 27, 2009
The Cougar and The Sugar Daddy
Hello Humans,
If you are under 18, this material may not be suitable for you...So if you are, leave this blog immediately and go to do some fuckin' homework. Okeedokee, the subject of Cougars and Sugar Daddies has had the light shown on it for a while...However, Kris The Critic is more than happy to expound on the subject. There are obvious advantages and disadvantages to both. My question for you is "Are you a Cougar or Sugar Daddy?"..."Do you want to be?"
The Sugar Daddy and His Sugar Baby
This is the chance for an old wrinkled up fart to get some good loving. At a glance, it doesn't seem like a bad arrangement. Hell, when was the last time a Sugar Daddy had a young woman with an ass so tight, he could bounce a quarter off of it. Viagra has even allowed him to get that old peter to respond to stimulation. He is now in a position to even teach his little tenderoni a trick or two. Besides, he wasn't doing crap with that social security check anyway. But beware, Viagra doesn't help the rest of that broken down body. The Sugar Daddy has to be keenly aware of having an HIA...Heart Attack In Action.
The Sugar Baby sees this Bengay smellin' man as a come-up. Her younger male counterparts can offer nothing but the latest Lil Wayne lyrics. Her "Daddy" listens to her...Though the neighbors might look at her funny, isn't this better than being a full fledge prostititute. Besides, she has slept with some losers and gotten nothing out of it. She may as well get some bills paid...She soon makes 2 discoveries...1 - "Bengay doesn't taste so bad afterall"...and 2 - "I hate that fu%$^#' Viagra".
The Cougar and Her Cub
The Cougar finally gets a man who doesn't fall immediately asleep after his 3 minute deed is done. In fact, this mature feline can finally get the workout she craves from her cub. Hell, she may have to rethink this...because her younger man is just getting warmed up after round 2. "Damn, what time is his curfew?" That next day "I can't move" feeling isn't so bad, because she has trained her cub to cook and clean as well. If you had discovered how fun this was sooner, you would have never gotten married in the first place!
The Cub sees his saggy old companion as a valued financial resource. Finally, a woman who not only understands, but could fund his rap career. Not only that, he finally gets to learn which fork to use at dinner when she parades him around town. He even only has to have sex once a week, because of the recovery time her body needs. Once he gets past the old folks smell in her house, he realizes this aint so bad. Hummph, he exclaims..."Who wants a woman shaped like Beyonce anyway???"..."Oprah's shape is way more comfortable".
Where do you stand?
Kris The Critic
If you are under 18, this material may not be suitable for you...So if you are, leave this blog immediately and go to do some fuckin' homework. Okeedokee, the subject of Cougars and Sugar Daddies has had the light shown on it for a while...However, Kris The Critic is more than happy to expound on the subject. There are obvious advantages and disadvantages to both. My question for you is "Are you a Cougar or Sugar Daddy?"..."Do you want to be?"
The Sugar Daddy and His Sugar Baby
This is the chance for an old wrinkled up fart to get some good loving. At a glance, it doesn't seem like a bad arrangement. Hell, when was the last time a Sugar Daddy had a young woman with an ass so tight, he could bounce a quarter off of it. Viagra has even allowed him to get that old peter to respond to stimulation. He is now in a position to even teach his little tenderoni a trick or two. Besides, he wasn't doing crap with that social security check anyway. But beware, Viagra doesn't help the rest of that broken down body. The Sugar Daddy has to be keenly aware of having an HIA...Heart Attack In Action.
The Sugar Baby sees this Bengay smellin' man as a come-up. Her younger male counterparts can offer nothing but the latest Lil Wayne lyrics. Her "Daddy" listens to her...Though the neighbors might look at her funny, isn't this better than being a full fledge prostititute. Besides, she has slept with some losers and gotten nothing out of it. She may as well get some bills paid...She soon makes 2 discoveries...1 - "Bengay doesn't taste so bad afterall"...and 2 - "I hate that fu%$^#' Viagra".
The Cougar and Her Cub
The Cougar finally gets a man who doesn't fall immediately asleep after his 3 minute deed is done. In fact, this mature feline can finally get the workout she craves from her cub. Hell, she may have to rethink this...because her younger man is just getting warmed up after round 2. "Damn, what time is his curfew?" That next day "I can't move" feeling isn't so bad, because she has trained her cub to cook and clean as well. If you had discovered how fun this was sooner, you would have never gotten married in the first place!
The Cub sees his saggy old companion as a valued financial resource. Finally, a woman who not only understands, but could fund his rap career. Not only that, he finally gets to learn which fork to use at dinner when she parades him around town. He even only has to have sex once a week, because of the recovery time her body needs. Once he gets past the old folks smell in her house, he realizes this aint so bad. Hummph, he exclaims..."Who wants a woman shaped like Beyonce anyway???"..."Oprah's shape is way more comfortable".
Where do you stand?
Kris The Critic
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Things To Be Thankful For...Thanksgiving Edition
Happy Thanksgiving People,
I do hope this blog finds you about to test the elasticity of your stomach. But my little turkey fiends, before you stack all of that yummy food on top of your plate, let us not forget the reason for this wonderful day of thanks. Thanksgiving has been an annual tradition in the United States since 1863. The first Thanksgiving was celebrated to give God thanks for the Pilgrims surviving a brutal winter. It became a federal holiday in 1941. Though now primarily considered a secular holiday, there is still plenty to thank the Man (or Woman - I'm still working on not being a chauvinist) above for....So, drop the fork for a minute, bow your head and give thanks....Here are a couple of things that come to mind:
#5 Child Support Checks - Most of you women don't deserve this money 'cause inevitably you trick it off on something for yourself and claim it's for the the kid...and I know you do it sometimes...but that's the system. However, isn't life great when you can get money from someone else's hard work, every two weeks..and not even be taxed on it?
#4 The Unemployment Check - It is never a good thing to be laid off...But folks are finding out that this free money aint that bad...And thanks to the Big O administration, unemployment has just gotten extended. I think all of us should start campaigning for Big O in the 2012 election.
#3 The Link Card - Not since the reusable paper CTA transfer has one gotten so much use out of such a little card. The Link card is a win-win for everyone. Even if you need cash instead of groceries you can always sell the value at a discount for cash. Who hasn't bought $100 worth of groceries for $75?...And my good people, do not gouge the Link card owner...It aint right and Karma is a mutha...
#2 Tax Refund - For those of us who have worked, tax time for us is what Christmas is to a 10 year old. Life just doesn't get any better. Granted, most of us blow the money on some bullshit....It sure feels good for a moment. Just remember people, don't stretch those claims too far.
#1) The Turkey - Our feathered friends give the ultimate sacrifice. We kill about 40 million of these tasty birds every year. What would Thanksgiving be without the Turkey?...Don't get me wrong. This is one of the dumbest birds around and serves no useful purpose...Can it even fly?...Still, be thankful for it's existence.
Happy Thanksgiving People....
- Kris The Critic
I do hope this blog finds you about to test the elasticity of your stomach. But my little turkey fiends, before you stack all of that yummy food on top of your plate, let us not forget the reason for this wonderful day of thanks. Thanksgiving has been an annual tradition in the United States since 1863. The first Thanksgiving was celebrated to give God thanks for the Pilgrims surviving a brutal winter. It became a federal holiday in 1941. Though now primarily considered a secular holiday, there is still plenty to thank the Man (or Woman - I'm still working on not being a chauvinist) above for....So, drop the fork for a minute, bow your head and give thanks....Here are a couple of things that come to mind:
#5 Child Support Checks - Most of you women don't deserve this money 'cause inevitably you trick it off on something for yourself and claim it's for the the kid...and I know you do it sometimes...but that's the system. However, isn't life great when you can get money from someone else's hard work, every two weeks..and not even be taxed on it?
#4 The Unemployment Check - It is never a good thing to be laid off...But folks are finding out that this free money aint that bad...And thanks to the Big O administration, unemployment has just gotten extended. I think all of us should start campaigning for Big O in the 2012 election.
#3 The Link Card - Not since the reusable paper CTA transfer has one gotten so much use out of such a little card. The Link card is a win-win for everyone. Even if you need cash instead of groceries you can always sell the value at a discount for cash. Who hasn't bought $100 worth of groceries for $75?...And my good people, do not gouge the Link card owner...It aint right and Karma is a mutha...
#2 Tax Refund - For those of us who have worked, tax time for us is what Christmas is to a 10 year old. Life just doesn't get any better. Granted, most of us blow the money on some bullshit....It sure feels good for a moment. Just remember people, don't stretch those claims too far.
#1) The Turkey - Our feathered friends give the ultimate sacrifice. We kill about 40 million of these tasty birds every year. What would Thanksgiving be without the Turkey?...Don't get me wrong. This is one of the dumbest birds around and serves no useful purpose...Can it even fly?...Still, be thankful for it's existence.
Happy Thanksgiving People....
- Kris The Critic
Would You Take Back An Unfaithful Spouse?
Hello Good People,
Today's topic delves into the topic of infidelity. Kris The Critic has noticed a doubled standard on this particular topic. It seems the general consensus is that women are more likely to take back that no good rat...and men are more more likely to tell that Jezebel to find a new address...Do we agree so far? Thoughts?
Kris The Critic is a huge baseball fan. Success in the game depends on a myriad of factors. It's America's favorite pastime for pete's sake. Relationships are similar. Thus, I believe in the 3 strike rule - PER OFFENSE?...I know that sounds lenient...and I'm not just saying that because I'm a man (admittedly, we are very simple creatures...some of us seemingly lacking the intelligence of a worm)...A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP GETS STRONGER BY GETTING THROUGH ROUGH TIMES...Meaning, some of that bullshit believe it or not, is necessary for growth...Barring some super crazy I'm having a baby with yo mama type stuff, that theory holds true...Let's see...
MEN - Put your ego aside for a minute...Most of you HAVE DONE SOMETHING YO ASS WASN'T SUPPOSE TO DO? Now, I know a man is capable of sleeping with a tree if he thought it would satisfy his physical needs. Meaning..you may have cheated, but "you don't love that ho"?...We have all been there? Does that make it right? Hell no. I'm just merely stating that I realize your feelings for your main squeeze can be far superior than any other being...but, you had a moment of weakness. So fellas, why are you not so quick to take your women back if she strayed?...I'LL TELL YOU WHY...The thought of someone being bigger, better, faster, stronger or whatever makes you cringe...I know...take it in brother...I'll give you a moment...sadly it's true. In ANYTHING you do, there is always someone who may be more talented in a particular area...GET OVER IT!...IF YOU REALLY LOVE AND WANT THIS WOMEN...The soultion lies in the mental, not the physical...So go ahead and forgive her. If you feed her emotional needs, you will never have to worry about her wanting another man as much as she wants you. Now, how you do that is another blog...and it will cost you....Your Welcome.
Women - Unless you are a strict lesbian, ALL of you have had a man who has been unfaithful to some degree. If not, he is a closet homosexual (then he's really not the man for you anyway)...I think we all know this, but what about you? This is the day and age where women have more freedom than ever (financial, careerwise, etc.). Many of you are enpowered to make choices women of past years only dreamed of...Unfortunately, some of you are beginning to act like men. That's right, you know who you are. Many of you have chosen to cheat...whether it's on your man, with someone else's man, a married man, etc...SOME OF YOU ARE MORE HO-ISH THAN YOUR NO-GOOD MAN...Ok, I know what you're saying..."Not me"...Well, I bet you all know a woman like that right?...so let's continue...Anytime anyone cheats (especially women), its a sign of another issue. For a successful relationship, you MUST communicate with him...AND...ALLOW HIM TO COMMUNICATE WITHOUT HIS FEELINGS BEING COMPROMISED. This way, both of you will be less likely to stray. So I'm not saying be stupid...but If it's worth it...give him a couple more strikes before you toss his shit on the front lawn. And women, please remember...God gave you two ears and one mouth. He wants you to listen more than talk...You are welcome. Invite me to the wedding.
KRIS THE CRITIC
Today's topic delves into the topic of infidelity. Kris The Critic has noticed a doubled standard on this particular topic. It seems the general consensus is that women are more likely to take back that no good rat...and men are more more likely to tell that Jezebel to find a new address...Do we agree so far? Thoughts?
Kris The Critic is a huge baseball fan. Success in the game depends on a myriad of factors. It's America's favorite pastime for pete's sake. Relationships are similar. Thus, I believe in the 3 strike rule - PER OFFENSE?...I know that sounds lenient...and I'm not just saying that because I'm a man (admittedly, we are very simple creatures...some of us seemingly lacking the intelligence of a worm)...A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP GETS STRONGER BY GETTING THROUGH ROUGH TIMES...Meaning, some of that bullshit believe it or not, is necessary for growth...Barring some super crazy I'm having a baby with yo mama type stuff, that theory holds true...Let's see...
MEN - Put your ego aside for a minute...Most of you HAVE DONE SOMETHING YO ASS WASN'T SUPPOSE TO DO? Now, I know a man is capable of sleeping with a tree if he thought it would satisfy his physical needs. Meaning..you may have cheated, but "you don't love that ho"?...We have all been there? Does that make it right? Hell no. I'm just merely stating that I realize your feelings for your main squeeze can be far superior than any other being...but, you had a moment of weakness. So fellas, why are you not so quick to take your women back if she strayed?...I'LL TELL YOU WHY...The thought of someone being bigger, better, faster, stronger or whatever makes you cringe...I know...take it in brother...I'll give you a moment...sadly it's true. In ANYTHING you do, there is always someone who may be more talented in a particular area...GET OVER IT!...IF YOU REALLY LOVE AND WANT THIS WOMEN...The soultion lies in the mental, not the physical...So go ahead and forgive her. If you feed her emotional needs, you will never have to worry about her wanting another man as much as she wants you. Now, how you do that is another blog...and it will cost you....Your Welcome.
Women - Unless you are a strict lesbian, ALL of you have had a man who has been unfaithful to some degree. If not, he is a closet homosexual (then he's really not the man for you anyway)...I think we all know this, but what about you? This is the day and age where women have more freedom than ever (financial, careerwise, etc.). Many of you are enpowered to make choices women of past years only dreamed of...Unfortunately, some of you are beginning to act like men. That's right, you know who you are. Many of you have chosen to cheat...whether it's on your man, with someone else's man, a married man, etc...SOME OF YOU ARE MORE HO-ISH THAN YOUR NO-GOOD MAN...Ok, I know what you're saying..."Not me"...Well, I bet you all know a woman like that right?...so let's continue...Anytime anyone cheats (especially women), its a sign of another issue. For a successful relationship, you MUST communicate with him...AND...ALLOW HIM TO COMMUNICATE WITHOUT HIS FEELINGS BEING COMPROMISED. This way, both of you will be less likely to stray. So I'm not saying be stupid...but If it's worth it...give him a couple more strikes before you toss his shit on the front lawn. And women, please remember...God gave you two ears and one mouth. He wants you to listen more than talk...You are welcome. Invite me to the wedding.
KRIS THE CRITIC
Monday, November 23, 2009
I Wanna Fight A Homeless Person...
I See You Derelicts Have Returned....
I know what you're thinking...Kris The Critic is about to stamp his one-way ticket to hell. Don't worry, I'm not. Besides, during these recessionary times, many of us are only a pink slip away from a brand new cardboard mattress ourselves. Believe me people...I fully understand the plight of misfortune....I really do...and Kris The Critic never jokes about people who don't deserve it...ok, maybe just a smidge (I've always wanted to use that word)...However, I swear on my original, never worn, 1984 red and black Retro Air Jordans that I am a hot minute away from putting a serious hurtin' on one these SIMPLE ASS bums...Yeah I said...BUMS!...Tell me church if you've ever encountered these types...
#1) The Ungrateful Bum - I had the misfortune of a person who actually made me feel some compassion for him. I heard the old tried and true story about how he just wanted to get something to eat...I'm hardcore than I mutha....., but everybody gotta eat. So I offered to buy the brother a value meal with my purchase...This "Negro" had the nerve to ask for the money instead (oh, I am black so I have a poetic license to use all black people terms - positive and negative - and that's final)...so, what did ya boy do? I handed his sneaky ass about 75 cents...
#2) The Alcoholic Bum - Tell me if you've been here before. You are going into an establishment and you hear "Got some spare change"?...This is the type of bum that bugs me the most because he is just as dumb as a box of rocks. He or she...(there I am again being "Mr Not-So-Chauvinist Guy" again...be proud of me dammit!)...should just ask for about 5 bucks to go get blitzed. I'd have more respect for you telling the truth and actually break down from time to time even grant your request...'cause if I was homeless...that lil ass change ain't gon' crap but remind me how broke my ass really is...
#3) The Prostitute - This is what we commonly refer to as a crackhead. These people, especially the women never cease to amaze me. These are the broads who stare your car down as you drive by them, soliciting a sex act. I'd rather slowly cut off my johnson with a rusty knife than let one of these diseased chicks perform any act on me...These people need to become alcoholics because that crack shit makes them fuckin' retarded...And besides, half of these women look like they have been beaten with a bag of hot nickels.
#4) The Squeegee Man - This dude might be the first to actually receive a beatdown. They constantly invade my personal space. This is America, so he can beg all he wants. But, if these people continue to walk up on me while I'm pumping gas, it's on. Besides, How do I know that sorta blue liquid in that bottle is a cleaning solution? How did he get it? For all I know, it's half solution, half urine...Damn, this guy bugs me.
Since it is the holiday season, Kris The Critic is going to pray for these people...but right after the New Year, it's back on....
Kris The Critic
I know what you're thinking...Kris The Critic is about to stamp his one-way ticket to hell. Don't worry, I'm not. Besides, during these recessionary times, many of us are only a pink slip away from a brand new cardboard mattress ourselves. Believe me people...I fully understand the plight of misfortune....I really do...and Kris The Critic never jokes about people who don't deserve it...ok, maybe just a smidge (I've always wanted to use that word)...However, I swear on my original, never worn, 1984 red and black Retro Air Jordans that I am a hot minute away from putting a serious hurtin' on one these SIMPLE ASS bums...Yeah I said...BUMS!...Tell me church if you've ever encountered these types...
#1) The Ungrateful Bum - I had the misfortune of a person who actually made me feel some compassion for him. I heard the old tried and true story about how he just wanted to get something to eat...I'm hardcore than I mutha....., but everybody gotta eat. So I offered to buy the brother a value meal with my purchase...This "Negro" had the nerve to ask for the money instead (oh, I am black so I have a poetic license to use all black people terms - positive and negative - and that's final)...so, what did ya boy do? I handed his sneaky ass about 75 cents...
#2) The Alcoholic Bum - Tell me if you've been here before. You are going into an establishment and you hear "Got some spare change"?...This is the type of bum that bugs me the most because he is just as dumb as a box of rocks. He or she...(there I am again being "Mr Not-So-Chauvinist Guy" again...be proud of me dammit!)...should just ask for about 5 bucks to go get blitzed. I'd have more respect for you telling the truth and actually break down from time to time even grant your request...'cause if I was homeless...that lil ass change ain't gon' crap but remind me how broke my ass really is...
#3) The Prostitute - This is what we commonly refer to as a crackhead. These people, especially the women never cease to amaze me. These are the broads who stare your car down as you drive by them, soliciting a sex act. I'd rather slowly cut off my johnson with a rusty knife than let one of these diseased chicks perform any act on me...These people need to become alcoholics because that crack shit makes them fuckin' retarded...And besides, half of these women look like they have been beaten with a bag of hot nickels.
#4) The Squeegee Man - This dude might be the first to actually receive a beatdown. They constantly invade my personal space. This is America, so he can beg all he wants. But, if these people continue to walk up on me while I'm pumping gas, it's on. Besides, How do I know that sorta blue liquid in that bottle is a cleaning solution? How did he get it? For all I know, it's half solution, half urine...Damn, this guy bugs me.
Since it is the holiday season, Kris The Critic is going to pray for these people...but right after the New Year, it's back on....
Kris The Critic
Saturday, November 21, 2009
We All Should Be A Little Bit Gay
Hello My Little Minions,
Today, this piece is a double dedication. First, to the brothers and sisters who prefer the same sex. That's right, Kris The Critic spares no one. Homosexuals get ready...It's your turn to shine. I actually love some of the qualities of most homosexuals. Hell, they always seem to dress nice. They KEEP money. I have never seen a homeless gay guy...and they always seem to speak so well. Hmmm...I think I want to be gay. Shouldn't we all be?...Okay, that's a story for another blog. I digress...Secondly, some of my favorite cartoon characheters are flame throwers. The characters below gave me something to look forward to on afternoons and Saturday mornings. Tell me if you agree.
10) Batman and Robin - "Holy Butt Pirate Batman!"...Is this even a surprise? They wear friggin tights. How many grown ass men wear their daughters balet outfit to work? ...Their names should be Cock Goblin and The Boy Wonder
9) Bugs Bunny - This one is a toss up. Obviously, he is the coolest muthafucka on the list. However, he is quick to cross dress and kiss Elmer Fudd on the lips. I love that gay ass bunny.
8) Snaggle Puss - "Heavens to Murgatroyd". This proper talking feline fooled no one. He finally came out of the closet after the series ended..."Exit, Stage Right"
7) Waylon Smithers (from the Simpsons) - This kiss-ass sucks more cock than Karrine "Superhead" Stephans. However, Mr. Burns has no intention on ever promoting his favorite boy-toy.
6) Ernie and Bert - At first I thought these two just lived together. But, damn...I have never heard of any women EVER being invited over to their purported "bachelor pad". Those damn matching striped shirts also scream "I'm Queer!"...Homo status was confirmed on the multiple episodes where they shared a bed.
5) Velma (from Scooby Doo) - She always tried to cuddle up next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine. She has a Pete Rose haircut, has broad shoulders, and only wears thick turtleneck sweaters...She has never once shagged Shaggy.
4) Spong Bob Squarepants - A soft asexual who lives in a pineapple in an undersea locale called Bikini Bottom. His best friend is a star fish named Patrick and a Squid who loves classical music. I bet they have plenty of fun with all those holes in our favorite sponge buddy.
3) Peppermint Patty - She should be given a lifetime achievement award. Before there was Ellen, there was Peppermint Patty. She played soccer, softball and football...and she could beat up any boy. Hell, I was 27 before I even realized her character was female.
2) He-man - This is one fudge packer you don't want to fuck with. He sports a "bob" hairdo, is overly toned, and clearly uses baby oil. However, it was his spaghetti strapped top and panties that was the dead giveaway
1) The Smurfs - ALL OF THEM...It's a society of men who live and bond together under the direction of the bearded Papa Smurf. Though many a teen fantasized about the only broad being a crazy slut, it became clear that Smurfette was the first animated fag hag. Also, I think they all had some sort of asphyxiation fetish, they weren't always blue.
So, to all of my gay cartoon friends, thank you for making life a little more enjoyable.
Kris The Critic
Today, this piece is a double dedication. First, to the brothers and sisters who prefer the same sex. That's right, Kris The Critic spares no one. Homosexuals get ready...It's your turn to shine. I actually love some of the qualities of most homosexuals. Hell, they always seem to dress nice. They KEEP money. I have never seen a homeless gay guy...and they always seem to speak so well. Hmmm...I think I want to be gay. Shouldn't we all be?...Okay, that's a story for another blog. I digress...Secondly, some of my favorite cartoon characheters are flame throwers. The characters below gave me something to look forward to on afternoons and Saturday mornings. Tell me if you agree.
10) Batman and Robin - "Holy Butt Pirate Batman!"...Is this even a surprise? They wear friggin tights. How many grown ass men wear their daughters balet outfit to work? ...Their names should be Cock Goblin and The Boy Wonder
9) Bugs Bunny - This one is a toss up. Obviously, he is the coolest muthafucka on the list. However, he is quick to cross dress and kiss Elmer Fudd on the lips. I love that gay ass bunny.
8) Snaggle Puss - "Heavens to Murgatroyd". This proper talking feline fooled no one. He finally came out of the closet after the series ended..."Exit, Stage Right"
7) Waylon Smithers (from the Simpsons) - This kiss-ass sucks more cock than Karrine "Superhead" Stephans. However, Mr. Burns has no intention on ever promoting his favorite boy-toy.
6) Ernie and Bert - At first I thought these two just lived together. But, damn...I have never heard of any women EVER being invited over to their purported "bachelor pad". Those damn matching striped shirts also scream "I'm Queer!"...Homo status was confirmed on the multiple episodes where they shared a bed.
5) Velma (from Scooby Doo) - She always tried to cuddle up next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine. She has a Pete Rose haircut, has broad shoulders, and only wears thick turtleneck sweaters...She has never once shagged Shaggy.
4) Spong Bob Squarepants - A soft asexual who lives in a pineapple in an undersea locale called Bikini Bottom. His best friend is a star fish named Patrick and a Squid who loves classical music. I bet they have plenty of fun with all those holes in our favorite sponge buddy.
3) Peppermint Patty - She should be given a lifetime achievement award. Before there was Ellen, there was Peppermint Patty. She played soccer, softball and football...and she could beat up any boy. Hell, I was 27 before I even realized her character was female.
2) He-man - This is one fudge packer you don't want to fuck with. He sports a "bob" hairdo, is overly toned, and clearly uses baby oil. However, it was his spaghetti strapped top and panties that was the dead giveaway
1) The Smurfs - ALL OF THEM...It's a society of men who live and bond together under the direction of the bearded Papa Smurf. Though many a teen fantasized about the only broad being a crazy slut, it became clear that Smurfette was the first animated fag hag. Also, I think they all had some sort of asphyxiation fetish, they weren't always blue.
So, to all of my gay cartoon friends, thank you for making life a little more enjoyable.
Kris The Critic
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Legalize This...The Drug Edition
Okay Crackheads,
This one is for you. Kris The Critic is tired of all the pharmaceutical companies force feeding the country ads on their particular dope. I call these "medications" dope because they ALL only treat symptoms. Rarely does "prescription medication" aka "prescription dope" treat causes...They all have some nasty detrimental side effects on my kidneys, heart, brain and other major organs...Granted, some of these drugs are viewed as small miracles...For example, I am sure Viagra has plenty of limped D#%$ old men thanking the Man or Woman above....(see, I'm only sexist on most days)...
So, is it possible to successfully use the "other" so-called recreational drugs to treat...well...nothing...just to friggin feel good without killing yourself?...NOTE: KRIS THE CRITIC IS AGAINST ILLEGAL DRUG USE - THIS BLOG IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY...there. Now if you go all Heath Ledger on me after reading this blog...It's not on my conscience...
Marijuana - Some good ole weed...For those who want to relax after dealing with the depression...What's the big deal? Don't worry, as soon as the government finds a way to tax that shit, you'll be able to by it by the pound at Walmart....The crime rate in major cities will definitely go down.
Cocaine - Somebody help me. Wasn't this legal at some point? With all these pilots dozing off, it might not be a bad idea to keep a couple of lines in the cockpit. Hell, most employers could realize a spark in productivity by offering a few lines of "work stimulant" after lunch....That's the real Stimulus package!
MDMA - Ecstasy (Is that how you spell it?...) Anyway...This stuff should be given away free along with condoms to our misguided youth. I GUARANTEE you this will stop all that gang war shit. Hell, it might wipe out teen crime entirely. Considering the safety of our youth, isn't it worth discussing?
Phencyclidine (PCP) - What hallucinogen couldn't help with domestic violence? I bet a dollar that Chris Brown wouldn't have beaten the crap out of Rihanna if he thought he was getting a scratch and sniff from his 1st grade teacher instead of being interrogated about a damn text message(Damn, I'm old...DO THEY EVEN MAKE SCRATCH AND SNIFFS ANYMORE?)
Caffeine - Oh yeah, this one has been approved...
OK people, I know I am one sick little puppy for bringing this stuff up...BUT it needs to be discussed. This world is jacked up. Your friend, Kris the Critic, simply seeks solutions. I'm listening...
Kris The Critic
This one is for you. Kris The Critic is tired of all the pharmaceutical companies force feeding the country ads on their particular dope. I call these "medications" dope because they ALL only treat symptoms. Rarely does "prescription medication" aka "prescription dope" treat causes...They all have some nasty detrimental side effects on my kidneys, heart, brain and other major organs...Granted, some of these drugs are viewed as small miracles...For example, I am sure Viagra has plenty of limped D#%$ old men thanking the Man or Woman above....(see, I'm only sexist on most days)...
So, is it possible to successfully use the "other" so-called recreational drugs to treat...well...nothing...just to friggin feel good without killing yourself?...NOTE: KRIS THE CRITIC IS AGAINST ILLEGAL DRUG USE - THIS BLOG IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY...there. Now if you go all Heath Ledger on me after reading this blog...It's not on my conscience...
Marijuana - Some good ole weed...For those who want to relax after dealing with the depression...What's the big deal? Don't worry, as soon as the government finds a way to tax that shit, you'll be able to by it by the pound at Walmart....The crime rate in major cities will definitely go down.
Cocaine - Somebody help me. Wasn't this legal at some point? With all these pilots dozing off, it might not be a bad idea to keep a couple of lines in the cockpit. Hell, most employers could realize a spark in productivity by offering a few lines of "work stimulant" after lunch....That's the real Stimulus package!
MDMA - Ecstasy (Is that how you spell it?...) Anyway...This stuff should be given away free along with condoms to our misguided youth. I GUARANTEE you this will stop all that gang war shit. Hell, it might wipe out teen crime entirely. Considering the safety of our youth, isn't it worth discussing?
Phencyclidine (PCP) - What hallucinogen couldn't help with domestic violence? I bet a dollar that Chris Brown wouldn't have beaten the crap out of Rihanna if he thought he was getting a scratch and sniff from his 1st grade teacher instead of being interrogated about a damn text message(Damn, I'm old...DO THEY EVEN MAKE SCRATCH AND SNIFFS ANYMORE?)
Caffeine - Oh yeah, this one has been approved...
OK people, I know I am one sick little puppy for bringing this stuff up...BUT it needs to be discussed. This world is jacked up. Your friend, Kris the Critic, simply seeks solutions. I'm listening...
Kris The Critic
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Why You Are Not Married!...Part 1
Ladies...This one is for you.
File this one away with the life insurance papers and all the other important documents. The sh%$ your boy is about to drop is that deep. Though currently retired...I was once an 8th degree player...excuse me...playa'...That means I know how to make any relationship...let's say..uhhh...a good experience...Thus, I am more than qualified to give an expert opinion on matters of the heart (and mind). Let me not digress. The reason most of you are not married and destined to live the rest of your miserable life alone is because of....(drum roll please...)...YOU! I'll give you a partial list of why you are so far from hearing wedding bells you may as well be deaf...Again, any other advice will cost you....I'm also a retired 8th degree pimp...Ok, here we go...
#1) PROBLEM: You aint all that...I know the truth is always so hard to hear. Your PHD and salary makes you a catch but not THE catch...If you get on his nerves like Aunt Esther did to Fred G, he will always be thinkin' about Elizabeth SOULTION: Shut up...alot..let him THINK he's leading this thing. Men are simple creatures but hate a lot of push back...See...there you go...STOP IT!
2) Problem: You want a baller...Take a deep breath...You aint that fine...If a man wants fine only he can pay a stripper to be the woman of his dreams without all of the back talk and headache. Solution: Lower your standards...Yes, LOWER YOUR STANDARDS...Ballers are usually superficial and want showpieces. If a long term commitment is what you seek you do not want to be arm candy. Those relationships NEVER last.
3) Problem: Stop lying to yourself...If you really want a God-fearing, honest, loyal man...mean it. Most of you SAY that but as soon as a not-so-cute guy tries to holla'...you tell your girls "Girl, he just wasn't cute enough or He's not my type"...Solution: THAT"S BULLSHIT! Realize you are no Beyonce yourself..."Know that Resputia!"..Also, know that if you want a dude for a showpiece...chances are that's all his triflin' ass will ever be TO YOU.
4) Problem: You can't cook. You figure, you earn what he earns why should you. Well, my domestically challenged, IT WILL NOT WORK -LONG TERM- IF YOU CAN'T COOK OR CLEAN. Solution: Get Grandma's recipes...Hell, she's the only one who had a man til he died anyway....Tell me I'm lying.
5) Problem: You can't cook in the bedroom. I already told you men are simple creatures - cavemen, if you will. If you want marriage, you better get use to learning what turns your beast on. Solution: A little role play, adult video, and dress-up every now and then...I don't have a single male friend who got pissed because his wife popped "Big Booty Part 5" into the DVD player.
Ok, before you start with the replies...SHUT UP AND DON'T...That's why you are single in the first place.
Kris The Critic
P.S.
You're Welcome
File this one away with the life insurance papers and all the other important documents. The sh%$ your boy is about to drop is that deep. Though currently retired...I was once an 8th degree player...excuse me...playa'...That means I know how to make any relationship...let's say..uhhh...a good experience...Thus, I am more than qualified to give an expert opinion on matters of the heart (and mind). Let me not digress. The reason most of you are not married and destined to live the rest of your miserable life alone is because of....(drum roll please...)...YOU! I'll give you a partial list of why you are so far from hearing wedding bells you may as well be deaf...Again, any other advice will cost you....I'm also a retired 8th degree pimp...Ok, here we go...
#1) PROBLEM: You aint all that...I know the truth is always so hard to hear. Your PHD and salary makes you a catch but not THE catch...If you get on his nerves like Aunt Esther did to Fred G, he will always be thinkin' about Elizabeth SOULTION: Shut up...alot..let him THINK he's leading this thing. Men are simple creatures but hate a lot of push back...See...there you go...STOP IT!
2) Problem: You want a baller...Take a deep breath...You aint that fine...If a man wants fine only he can pay a stripper to be the woman of his dreams without all of the back talk and headache. Solution: Lower your standards...Yes, LOWER YOUR STANDARDS...Ballers are usually superficial and want showpieces. If a long term commitment is what you seek you do not want to be arm candy. Those relationships NEVER last.
3) Problem: Stop lying to yourself...If you really want a God-fearing, honest, loyal man...mean it. Most of you SAY that but as soon as a not-so-cute guy tries to holla'...you tell your girls "Girl, he just wasn't cute enough or He's not my type"...Solution: THAT"S BULLSHIT! Realize you are no Beyonce yourself..."Know that Resputia!"..Also, know that if you want a dude for a showpiece...chances are that's all his triflin' ass will ever be TO YOU.
4) Problem: You can't cook. You figure, you earn what he earns why should you. Well, my domestically challenged, IT WILL NOT WORK -LONG TERM- IF YOU CAN'T COOK OR CLEAN. Solution: Get Grandma's recipes...Hell, she's the only one who had a man til he died anyway....Tell me I'm lying.
5) Problem: You can't cook in the bedroom. I already told you men are simple creatures - cavemen, if you will. If you want marriage, you better get use to learning what turns your beast on. Solution: A little role play, adult video, and dress-up every now and then...I don't have a single male friend who got pissed because his wife popped "Big Booty Part 5" into the DVD player.
Ok, before you start with the replies...SHUT UP AND DON'T...That's why you are single in the first place.
Kris The Critic
P.S.
You're Welcome
Monday, November 16, 2009
High School Class Reunions Suck!
Great, it's Monday again...
Today, your boy is shining a light on an instituion in this country that should be banned for all eternity, THE HIGH SCHOOL CLASS REUNION. Personally, I loved high school...School wasn't too difficult and it was filled with chicks who were so dumb they could trip over a cordless phone (hmmm...maybe it wasn't so bad after all)...BUT, Kris the Critic speaks for the masses. I have now been to some class reunions (No, I'm not that old...I'm including my day care and kindergarten reunions as well...lol) - and I suspect there were at LEAST a couple suicide attempts - and maybe some successful self-murders per reunion per school. Considering the amount of high schools per city and per state, class reunions account 16,214 deaths per year...Ok, I made that number up...but I'm good at math so let's go with it. This includes all of your various types of students...Here is why at a high school class reunion - no one wins...
#1) The Jock: Then - You were the man on the field! Your athletic prowess made all the guys envious and all the ladies swoon. Now - You work in a low-paying dead end job and your only workout consists of getting beer watching football games on Sunday.
#2) The Nerd: Then - You were a chump. Now - You are still a chump!...Granted, you make slightly more money than most. But, the jock could still kick your ass and stuff you into a locker. Every time you see the folks who made life hell for you, you want to make like an ostrich and stick your head in a hole (Oops - for all of you that don't know, an ostrich lays its head low to the ground appear as a mound of earth when hiding - but the nerd knew what I was talking about)
#3) Ms I'm So Fine: Then - You were your high school's Halle Berry. Your steez and curves were second to none. Now - Halle Berry...NOT!!! You didn't have too many life skills other than your looks. So, now that your a size 18 (and I'm being generous), you've got a few fatherless kids, and you couldn't even get a job at the local strip club, you realize life will forever be an uphill battle.
#4) The Class Clown: Then - You were the life of the party. Detention was worth all the popularity you got from making everyone laugh. Now - You still are funny. However, you are a crackhead. You never got a diploma and live on the street. You may as well save up all of your corner collections and OD
#5) Most Likely To Succeed: Then - You joined at least 9 clubs and scholastic groups, you had a resume to rival a young Obama at age 15. Now - You hate yourself for joining all those damn clubs when you could have had some real fun. You constantly try to fill your existence with phony shit to make up for a missed youth. You are moments away from going all Michael Jackson on everybody.
So, you see people...There is no need to fork over $75 bucks for you and $75 for a date to go get drunk, eat dry chicken, get a cheap wine glass for a keepsake at a run-down banquet hall with people you really don't like anyway to pretend you are living the world's greatest life. SKIP IT. You and your close friends probably stay in contact anyway. Please send an email back if you agree the High School Reunion should be banned.
Kris The Critic
P.S. College reunions are a different story - Even if you failed out, I am sure you had enough sex and alcohol to last a lifetime.
Today, your boy is shining a light on an instituion in this country that should be banned for all eternity, THE HIGH SCHOOL CLASS REUNION. Personally, I loved high school...School wasn't too difficult and it was filled with chicks who were so dumb they could trip over a cordless phone (hmmm...maybe it wasn't so bad after all)...BUT, Kris the Critic speaks for the masses. I have now been to some class reunions (No, I'm not that old...I'm including my day care and kindergarten reunions as well...lol) - and I suspect there were at LEAST a couple suicide attempts - and maybe some successful self-murders per reunion per school. Considering the amount of high schools per city and per state, class reunions account 16,214 deaths per year...Ok, I made that number up...but I'm good at math so let's go with it. This includes all of your various types of students...Here is why at a high school class reunion - no one wins...
#1) The Jock: Then - You were the man on the field! Your athletic prowess made all the guys envious and all the ladies swoon. Now - You work in a low-paying dead end job and your only workout consists of getting beer watching football games on Sunday.
#2) The Nerd: Then - You were a chump. Now - You are still a chump!...Granted, you make slightly more money than most. But, the jock could still kick your ass and stuff you into a locker. Every time you see the folks who made life hell for you, you want to make like an ostrich and stick your head in a hole (Oops - for all of you that don't know, an ostrich lays its head low to the ground appear as a mound of earth when hiding - but the nerd knew what I was talking about)
#3) Ms I'm So Fine: Then - You were your high school's Halle Berry. Your steez and curves were second to none. Now - Halle Berry...NOT!!! You didn't have too many life skills other than your looks. So, now that your a size 18 (and I'm being generous), you've got a few fatherless kids, and you couldn't even get a job at the local strip club, you realize life will forever be an uphill battle.
#4) The Class Clown: Then - You were the life of the party. Detention was worth all the popularity you got from making everyone laugh. Now - You still are funny. However, you are a crackhead. You never got a diploma and live on the street. You may as well save up all of your corner collections and OD
#5) Most Likely To Succeed: Then - You joined at least 9 clubs and scholastic groups, you had a resume to rival a young Obama at age 15. Now - You hate yourself for joining all those damn clubs when you could have had some real fun. You constantly try to fill your existence with phony shit to make up for a missed youth. You are moments away from going all Michael Jackson on everybody.
So, you see people...There is no need to fork over $75 bucks for you and $75 for a date to go get drunk, eat dry chicken, get a cheap wine glass for a keepsake at a run-down banquet hall with people you really don't like anyway to pretend you are living the world's greatest life. SKIP IT. You and your close friends probably stay in contact anyway. Please send an email back if you agree the High School Reunion should be banned.
Kris The Critic
P.S. College reunions are a different story - Even if you failed out, I am sure you had enough sex and alcohol to last a lifetime.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
GOT BUNS?...NOW HIRING.
Kris The Critic reporting for duty....
(in Barack's voice)..."My fellow Americans It is the Year of the Ass". The 70's gave us Dolly Parton, Olivia Newton-John and Farrah Fawcett. I loved those broads. They had the best boobs around. I'm sure they gave millions of teenage boys major boners. I'd bet my left ball that chicks like those launched the multi-million dollar idea for the restaurant chain, Hooters (F$%# Hooters!). That idea was on the fuckin' money. It was so simple yet so ingenius...Get some pretty chicks with boobs and booty shorts to pour and serve your beer...Yup, that was the business plan...that's it....No market research, no test group, no financial plan...just pretty boobs. Fuck me. Why didn't I think of that shit?..Hell, one doesn't need a cultured palette to know that those high-priced, greasy-ass wings suck...LMOA.
But alas, I am here to present a business opportunity to make Melaleuca, Amway, and Avon look paltry at best. It's called BUNS...J-LO, Kim Kardashian, Beyonce and Ms. Luscious (She's not famous, but a local stripper with an ass you can sit your Corona on)- All of them have shown us the light. Isn't it about time we all got paid off of a phat-ass even if you don't have one? (applause in the background) Let's all invest in BUNS...The start-up costs are minimum. All we need to do is train a few big booty strippers for our first store. Hell, I can fry the wings...and Cha-Ching!...That's all we need for our first spot.
So, listen-up losers...This is my friggin idea and I am giving you ONE opportunity to buy in. If you are interested, send me your personal email address and I'll send you the P.O. box to send your $799.99 That's the price for 1/2 a share. Hell, you didn't think I was handing out gold for free?? Nasty-ass Subway wants at least $60K for a start-up. Don't even THINK about looking at me side-ways. This is nothing. You don't like it?...Fine. Continue your loser existence alone...Chumps! I'm out....BUNS...Coming next fall to a city near you....I'm rich b$%#@&*
Kris The Critic
Proprietor (Buns, Inc.)
(in Barack's voice)..."My fellow Americans It is the Year of the Ass". The 70's gave us Dolly Parton, Olivia Newton-John and Farrah Fawcett. I loved those broads. They had the best boobs around. I'm sure they gave millions of teenage boys major boners. I'd bet my left ball that chicks like those launched the multi-million dollar idea for the restaurant chain, Hooters (F$%# Hooters!). That idea was on the fuckin' money. It was so simple yet so ingenius...Get some pretty chicks with boobs and booty shorts to pour and serve your beer...Yup, that was the business plan...that's it....No market research, no test group, no financial plan...just pretty boobs. Fuck me. Why didn't I think of that shit?..Hell, one doesn't need a cultured palette to know that those high-priced, greasy-ass wings suck...LMOA.
But alas, I am here to present a business opportunity to make Melaleuca, Amway, and Avon look paltry at best. It's called BUNS...J-LO, Kim Kardashian, Beyonce and Ms. Luscious (She's not famous, but a local stripper with an ass you can sit your Corona on)- All of them have shown us the light. Isn't it about time we all got paid off of a phat-ass even if you don't have one? (applause in the background) Let's all invest in BUNS...The start-up costs are minimum. All we need to do is train a few big booty strippers for our first store. Hell, I can fry the wings...and Cha-Ching!...That's all we need for our first spot.
So, listen-up losers...This is my friggin idea and I am giving you ONE opportunity to buy in. If you are interested, send me your personal email address and I'll send you the P.O. box to send your $799.99 That's the price for 1/2 a share. Hell, you didn't think I was handing out gold for free?? Nasty-ass Subway wants at least $60K for a start-up. Don't even THINK about looking at me side-ways. This is nothing. You don't like it?...Fine. Continue your loser existence alone...Chumps! I'm out....BUNS...Coming next fall to a city near you....I'm rich b$%#@&*
Kris The Critic
Proprietor (Buns, Inc.)
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
NEW AGE PHILOSOPHY - TELL YOUR KIDS "DO NOT GET A JOB!"
Good Evening Parental Units,
I know what your thinking..."This is the last Kris the Critic column I will ever read - He has lost his last marble". But, before you go back to your gossip columns, email, or mindless TV...Let The Critic enlighten you. Here is my profound thought for the evening....
JOBS SUCK!..got it...JOBS SUCKS!...say it with me....JOBS SUCK!...There we go.
Think about it. We are raised to go get that good ole edumacation (no typo, I just like saying it like that), put on our best work suit, and go beg for someone to hire us....It does go something like that, right? Are we all still on the same page? Good.
Fast forward a few work years, and we then become aware of the truth....The truth is this - Jobs suck...Here are a few reasons -
1) We usally hate them - Raise your hand if you get tickled pink by getting up at 6am - getting home at 6pm to do whatever it is you do...Exactly!
2) The employer reserves the right to can your shiftless butt at any moment for minor infractions like...taking a nap or having a few libations at lunch...or admiring the beauty of a coworker (this is now called sexual harrassment)
3) They NEVER pay for the lifestyle you really desire.
4) Time off...What's really fair is a 3 day work week and 3 months of vacation a year...When you look at the average worker's REAL productivity that's about right...
5) The word co-payment just makes me want to beat the crap out of someone....
So people...If you really believe the children are our future (hmmm...that might be a blog for another day)...then do them a favor - TEACH THEM TO HAVE THEIR OWN BUSINESS, SET THEIR OWN RULES, GUIDELINES, AND PAY - THAT IS A REAL CAREER...And to my hood brethren, this does NOT mean setting up THE CARTER on 79th street(watch New Jack City if you don't know)
THOUGHTS???
SEE YOU TOMORROW
THE LEVITE
aka
KRIS THE CRITIC
I know what your thinking..."This is the last Kris the Critic column I will ever read - He has lost his last marble". But, before you go back to your gossip columns, email, or mindless TV...Let The Critic enlighten you. Here is my profound thought for the evening....
JOBS SUCK!..got it...JOBS SUCKS!...say it with me....JOBS SUCK!...There we go.
Think about it. We are raised to go get that good ole edumacation (no typo, I just like saying it like that), put on our best work suit, and go beg for someone to hire us....It does go something like that, right? Are we all still on the same page? Good.
Fast forward a few work years, and we then become aware of the truth....The truth is this - Jobs suck...Here are a few reasons -
1) We usally hate them - Raise your hand if you get tickled pink by getting up at 6am - getting home at 6pm to do whatever it is you do...Exactly!
2) The employer reserves the right to can your shiftless butt at any moment for minor infractions like...taking a nap or having a few libations at lunch...or admiring the beauty of a coworker (this is now called sexual harrassment)
3) They NEVER pay for the lifestyle you really desire.
4) Time off...What's really fair is a 3 day work week and 3 months of vacation a year...When you look at the average worker's REAL productivity that's about right...
5) The word co-payment just makes me want to beat the crap out of someone....
So people...If you really believe the children are our future (hmmm...that might be a blog for another day)...then do them a favor - TEACH THEM TO HAVE THEIR OWN BUSINESS, SET THEIR OWN RULES, GUIDELINES, AND PAY - THAT IS A REAL CAREER...And to my hood brethren, this does NOT mean setting up THE CARTER on 79th street(watch New Jack City if you don't know)
THOUGHTS???
SEE YOU TOMORROW
THE LEVITE
aka
KRIS THE CRITIC
Monday, November 9, 2009
Do You Really Want To Be Married?
Good Evening My Little Naive Saps,
I'll try to keep this one short and sweet. Now ladies, please do not take any of this personally...BUT, when it comes to matters of the heart, women take the fuckin cake when it comes to "CLUELESSNESS" in contemplating marriage. I mean, you guys do excel when it comes to planning the perfect day. Men, probably the most simple creatures on earth, are even more retarded (no offense to my Special Olympics Homies 'cause I've done some super simple shit in my life) than women. And men genuinely mean well after being bamboozled into dropping down on one knee and forking over our savings on a ring way-y-y-y-y over our budget...not to mention agreeing (at least in principle - and for the moment) to have sex with only your "soulmate" FOREVER...HERE ARE THE TRUTHS TO MARRIAGE...AND THIS IS A "VERY" PARTIAL LIST -
1) All mates will eventually get fat and/or ugly and/or old...most likely all three
2) Over time, you will realize that your soulmate's shit stinks very bad and they fart ALOT, especially while sleeping
3) They don't make that much money - and his credit sucks (and if they do have some loot there is a deficiency - SEE FOOTNOTE A)
4) He has already maximized his potential
5) She will NEVER cook or clean or dress like she did when she was single
6) While they are farting during bedtime, they also snore very loudly
7) They don't really like your mom
8) Your mom doesnt really like them
8) Sex is never like it was with the folks you (he or she) were sleeping with just before you tied the knot ( AND FELLAS, FORGET ABOUT 3-SOMES CAUSE ONLY IDIOTS MARRY FREAKS, RIGHT?
9) For men making LOOT (women keep a divorce and child support lawyer on speed dial)
10) Do you really want to be married?
AND THIS, MY FRIENDS, IS ONLY A PARTIAL LIST!!!!
Now, even though I can be a Grade A Asshole (my wife can attest), I seek to teach.
So know this...Marriage is Spiritual, Financial and Physical...BE ON THE SAME PAGE PEOPLE...Marry a friend...Cause at some point...WE ALL GET UGLY...IF YOU CAN SPEND A WEEK WITH A PERSON WITH NO SEX, WATCHING T.V., TALKING, LAUGHING...AND LOOKING FORWARD TO GROWING OLD WITH THIS LOSER...AND TRULY CHERISH THAT TIME, YOU GUYS MIGHT DEFY THE ODDS AND MAKE IT...SO, GOOD LUCK MY LOVE SICK PUPPIES...I want to know...IF YOU STILL WANT TO BE MARRIED?...THOUGHTS???
Kris The Critic
Married and Lovin' It (And...If my wife reads this, please no smart-ass comments publicly babe)
P.S. Footnote A (and I aint hatin cause I'm broke...If a negro has worked hard and achieved more than his share of financial riches, chances are he is A) GAY B) A WIFE BEATER OR C) HAS A VERY SMALL RICHARD
I'll try to keep this one short and sweet. Now ladies, please do not take any of this personally...BUT, when it comes to matters of the heart, women take the fuckin cake when it comes to "CLUELESSNESS" in contemplating marriage. I mean, you guys do excel when it comes to planning the perfect day. Men, probably the most simple creatures on earth, are even more retarded (no offense to my Special Olympics Homies 'cause I've done some super simple shit in my life) than women. And men genuinely mean well after being bamboozled into dropping down on one knee and forking over our savings on a ring way-y-y-y-y over our budget...not to mention agreeing (at least in principle - and for the moment) to have sex with only your "soulmate" FOREVER...HERE ARE THE TRUTHS TO MARRIAGE...AND THIS IS A "VERY" PARTIAL LIST -
1) All mates will eventually get fat and/or ugly and/or old...most likely all three
2) Over time, you will realize that your soulmate's shit stinks very bad and they fart ALOT, especially while sleeping
3) They don't make that much money - and his credit sucks (and if they do have some loot there is a deficiency - SEE FOOTNOTE A)
4) He has already maximized his potential
5) She will NEVER cook or clean or dress like she did when she was single
6) While they are farting during bedtime, they also snore very loudly
7) They don't really like your mom
8) Your mom doesnt really like them
8) Sex is never like it was with the folks you (he or she) were sleeping with just before you tied the knot ( AND FELLAS, FORGET ABOUT 3-SOMES CAUSE ONLY IDIOTS MARRY FREAKS, RIGHT?
9) For men making LOOT (women keep a divorce and child support lawyer on speed dial)
10) Do you really want to be married?
AND THIS, MY FRIENDS, IS ONLY A PARTIAL LIST!!!!
Now, even though I can be a Grade A Asshole (my wife can attest), I seek to teach.
So know this...Marriage is Spiritual, Financial and Physical...BE ON THE SAME PAGE PEOPLE...Marry a friend...Cause at some point...WE ALL GET UGLY...IF YOU CAN SPEND A WEEK WITH A PERSON WITH NO SEX, WATCHING T.V., TALKING, LAUGHING...AND LOOKING FORWARD TO GROWING OLD WITH THIS LOSER...AND TRULY CHERISH THAT TIME, YOU GUYS MIGHT DEFY THE ODDS AND MAKE IT...SO, GOOD LUCK MY LOVE SICK PUPPIES...I want to know...IF YOU STILL WANT TO BE MARRIED?...THOUGHTS???
Kris The Critic
Married and Lovin' It (And...If my wife reads this, please no smart-ass comments publicly babe)
P.S. Footnote A (and I aint hatin cause I'm broke...If a negro has worked hard and achieved more than his share of financial riches, chances are he is A) GAY B) A WIFE BEATER OR C) HAS A VERY SMALL RICHARD
Friday, November 6, 2009
Raising Our Children - The Double Edge Sword
Fellow Earthlings,
Normally, I use this outlet as a means to rant and rave about random fodder that feeds your comedic senses. Today, I ask your opinion on a more relevant topic...BUT DO NOT WORRY MY LITTLE DEVIANTS!...THE CRITIC WILL CONTINUE FOCUS PRIMARILY ON THE JUICIER SIDE OF LIFE...OK, HERE IS THE QUESTION OF THE DAY:
IS IT BETTER TO RAISE A BLACK CHILD IN A MOSTLY-WHITE RURAL ENVIROMENT WITH EXCELLENT SCHOOLS?....OR RAISE THE CHILD IN A MOSTLY-BLACK URBAN ENVIROMENT WITH AVERAGE SCHOOLS?
While both have their advantages and disadvantages, I STRONGLY prefer the latter. And yes, I am biased because I was raised on the "SOUTH SIDE!" of Chicago. Why? While teaching the King's English AND accessing higher quality learning institutions are easier and cheaper in the burbs, TEACHING your child what it takes to truly love themselves and use their roots (hate to sound so 1950-ish) to propel themselves to new heights is damn near impossible if nobody looks like them or can RELATE to them...
Now, before all of you get your panties in a bunch, please note...I do believe that education, safety, and speaking like you have read at least one book in your life are of the utmost importance...The Critic just want to hear some varied opinions...
For the nosy -
KRISTHECRITIC
Inner City Raised Negro
P.S.
I promise you sex, drugs, and/or violence tomorrow (that's why you're here anyway...You sick F$#^)
Normally, I use this outlet as a means to rant and rave about random fodder that feeds your comedic senses. Today, I ask your opinion on a more relevant topic...BUT DO NOT WORRY MY LITTLE DEVIANTS!...THE CRITIC WILL CONTINUE FOCUS PRIMARILY ON THE JUICIER SIDE OF LIFE...OK, HERE IS THE QUESTION OF THE DAY:
IS IT BETTER TO RAISE A BLACK CHILD IN A MOSTLY-WHITE RURAL ENVIROMENT WITH EXCELLENT SCHOOLS?....OR RAISE THE CHILD IN A MOSTLY-BLACK URBAN ENVIROMENT WITH AVERAGE SCHOOLS?
While both have their advantages and disadvantages, I STRONGLY prefer the latter. And yes, I am biased because I was raised on the "SOUTH SIDE!" of Chicago. Why? While teaching the King's English AND accessing higher quality learning institutions are easier and cheaper in the burbs, TEACHING your child what it takes to truly love themselves and use their roots (hate to sound so 1950-ish) to propel themselves to new heights is damn near impossible if nobody looks like them or can RELATE to them...
Now, before all of you get your panties in a bunch, please note...I do believe that education, safety, and speaking like you have read at least one book in your life are of the utmost importance...The Critic just want to hear some varied opinions...
For the nosy -
KRISTHECRITIC
Inner City Raised Negro
P.S.
I promise you sex, drugs, and/or violence tomorrow (that's why you're here anyway...You sick F$#^)
Thursday, November 5, 2009
I Now Have A Shoe Fetish...
Hello Homo Sapiens,
Last night, yours truly was trapped on a shopping trip with the wife and baby...Normally, this is a miserable, but short lived trip. But this was no ordinary night. This was the night of Game 6 of the World Series AND one of the last nights that Comcast would let me watch the NBA package for free...So, this torture was like...uhhh...hot needles being slowly pulled in and out of my eyeballs..."It's a one day sale!"...Mrs Levite has now, for the moment made me hate myself for agreeing to this trip....Fuck it!...I'm here, I'll make the best of it....So, I call one of my best buddies, T-MIZER, who would at least make me laugh by telling me what a dumb-ass I was to even go..."Dude, You are in a shoestore...There should be broads all around you" T-Mizer proclaims...WELL FUCK ME WITH A HOT CANDLE STICK!...ALL OF A SUDDEN MR. CAVEMAN TAKES OVER!...THERE WERE CHOCOLATE AND SNOW BUNNIES ALL OVER THE PLACE....Who knew the friggin shoe department had all of these dimes roaming around...and they are all bending over trying to fasten straps and buckles and shit...God Bless Nordstrom....At least I got to see a lotta ass...Hell, who really really likes the Yankees anyway...FUCK Steinbrenner...Pass the Vaseline, I LOVE WOMEN'S SHOES!
Last night, yours truly was trapped on a shopping trip with the wife and baby...Normally, this is a miserable, but short lived trip. But this was no ordinary night. This was the night of Game 6 of the World Series AND one of the last nights that Comcast would let me watch the NBA package for free...So, this torture was like...uhhh...hot needles being slowly pulled in and out of my eyeballs..."It's a one day sale!"...Mrs Levite has now, for the moment made me hate myself for agreeing to this trip....Fuck it!...I'm here, I'll make the best of it....So, I call one of my best buddies, T-MIZER, who would at least make me laugh by telling me what a dumb-ass I was to even go..."Dude, You are in a shoestore...There should be broads all around you" T-Mizer proclaims...WELL FUCK ME WITH A HOT CANDLE STICK!...ALL OF A SUDDEN MR. CAVEMAN TAKES OVER!...THERE WERE CHOCOLATE AND SNOW BUNNIES ALL OVER THE PLACE....Who knew the friggin shoe department had all of these dimes roaming around...and they are all bending over trying to fasten straps and buckles and shit...God Bless Nordstrom....At least I got to see a lotta ass...Hell, who really really likes the Yankees anyway...FUCK Steinbrenner...Pass the Vaseline, I LOVE WOMEN'S SHOES!
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