New Year's Resolution - THIS IS MY YEAR!

Seasons Greetings,

Wow...Has it been a year already? Alas, time waits for no one. So people, how was your year?...Surely, you have done some sort of self-evaluation. Haven't you?...People! How do you expect to achieve, climb or excel when you eschew any sort of tangible measuring techniques. ...Your employer evaluates your work performance, right? Teachers give you grades, correct?...Exactly. What I am saying brothers and sisters is that you must begin to check yourself...REGULARLY. Hmmm, I see we really have our work cut out for us, Don't we? Did you even keep a copy of the gems I doled out last year?...No?...Then go slap yourself. Those were not resolutions for the year. They were resolutions for your life! Go to the Kris The Critic archives and get that information. That's why your year sucked. You blew it. Wait a sec...Slap yourself again.

However, you did MAKE it to another year. Unfortunately, there are those who were here last year at this very same moment, who are not here now? "Can I get an Amen"?...I said, "CAN I GET AN AMEN!" - Do you smell me church? This means that no matter how many times you screwed up, you have been granted something more valuable than gold - time. That makes all of us some really lucky muth@#$@*%! So, all of you Ebeneezers, What are you going to do with this second chance? Will you remain an ingrate and waste more precious time. I know you won't. I hate to sound cliche, but it is time to seize the moment! I want you to repeat the following mantra, "THIS IS MY YEAR"...."THIS IS MY YEAR!"...Now, you can't go achieve greatness without some sort of road map. So, Kris The Critic will now bequeath some resolutions that will make you a better person.

#5) Dump the losers - Some people have a job or mission to hang out with born losers. Well, unless you are a priest, lawyer, or police officer...leave those folks alone. They typically are too dumb or selfish to add any positive value to your existence. You don't have to hurt their feelings - just say something like this..."Hey, this year I'm going to take a well deserved, self-imposed sabbatical from all of the dregs of society". They'll probable think you are going off to join a missionary in another country.

#4 Regain some health - Fat, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol are killing just as many people as cigarettes and crack. Don't just stand there with a Dunkin Donut in your hand - Do something about it! Here's a few wild, out-of-the box ideas to help you out...visit a doctor, eat a salad every now and then (and leave out the cup of ranch dressing), and finally admit that you are not thick, you are indeed a fat ass.

#3 Talk to your kids - This may be one of the most important resolutions you can have. Lil Wayne and Nicki Minaj can not continue to advise our kids on finances, sexuality, and the importance of marijuana and sizzurp. This means after you get home from work - Do the unthinkable! Ask your kids how was their day? Who their friends are? What their future plans are? ...Whatever you do, do something positive everyday. Maybe one day, they will take care of you.

#2 Find a mate - That's right. Finally get a man, a woman or whatever it is you are into. I know I am personally sick of all the damn whining about lack of a mate. Seriously, studies show that those involved in relationships are stressed out less and generally happier people. Stress leads to depression, heart attacks, strokes and a bunch of other bad stuff. Besides, won't it feel good showing up at a few functions with folks saying "So, who is this?" Kris The Critic doesn't care what you have to do to get one (keep it legal, though), JUST DO IT.

#1 Pray - This shouldn't even be a resolution. It should be a done multiple times a day like brushing your teeth. Hell, a lot of folks don't do that...lol. But trust your favorite scribe. It is nourishment for the soul. Greatness is not done alone. Ask a few people who are where you want to be. Praying is as important as drinking water. Don't believe me?...Then you don't need resolutions, you need a miracle.

So, IS THIS YOUR YEAR? Do you have any resolutions to share?

Happy New Year!

Kris the Critic

Speak English, Dammit!

Hello Seekers of Kris The Critic,

Today's piece will help educate the masses. People, we have an issue whose importance ranks right up there with health care and education. Unfortunately, it is being largely ignored. No, this blog has absolutely nada to do with my sisters and brothers who live south of the border. Their quest for what's left of the American dream is not only understood, but supported by this scribe. If you have ever been to any small Mexican border town, you'd support a mass exodus as well... Hmmm... that's a blog for another day.

However, this plight rears its ugly head predominantly within the African-American community. Nope - I am not referring to crime, obesity, pregnant teens, single moms, cancer, drugs, diabetes, prison, STD's or high cholesterol... Damn, it's hard being black! ....So, what in sam hill am I talking about? (And no, I know nothing of sam hill; it just felt right write typing it)... I am referring to the inability of a large portion of my people to correctly use the English language. Ahhh... now you smell me. We owe it to future generations to check someone whenever they try and chop up the language into something that should not be considered English. We can't tackle any real issues until we, as a people, can effectively communicate. So, without further adieu, here are some common violations... And don't laugh; you've probably committed a few offenses on the list... And these are in no particular order -

#10 Ask vs. Ax - I don't know why folks like to mispronounce such a tiny word, but it really bugs me... If you hear your child saying, "Can I Ax a question?... Ax it ASAP.

#9 Four vs. Foe - Okay, maybe I have done this once or twice, BUT I am very aware of it... It just sounds funny. "Yo, let me get foe of those"... lol... See what I mean.

#8 Bogus vs. Bogish - I am not lying. Do not ask me where I've been to have witnessed this; but it happens. And the worst part, I don't think most folks know what it means.

#7 Labtop vs. Laptop - I am embarrassed for the race just to admit that I know this happens in the hood. Wow - This ebonic epedemic is worse than I thought.

#6 Converse vs. Coversate - I blame this on the Notorious B.I.G. "Conversate for a few / cause in a few /we gon do / what we came to do" Go ahead and finish the line... Well, boo, conversate does not exist.

#5 I'll use it in a sentence... "You boys stop that wrasslin!"... Somewhere, someone is reading this saying to themselves "What's wrong with that sentence?" - nothing dog, nothing.

#4 Prostate vs. Prostrate - Hey, I'll issue a pass on this one. The importance of getting this organ checked has really been publicized only in recent times. So, however you choose to pronounce it, men should go get it check around age 40.

#3 Hair Done vs. Hair Did - Now, If your hair did some tricks, I stand corrected. However, if you are going to get your hair "did" - just stop it and start practicing getting your hair done. Go ahead; try it. It doesn't hurt.

#2 Stop adding syllables to words when trying to emphasize something. Here's an example - "LeBron James is a great ath-uh-lete". Athlete has two syllables.

#1 It is an oldie, but goodie... The word "teeth" should never be pronounced "teef." Got it? Good.

Again, this is just a small example of of a much bigger problem. It seems trivial, but speaking well can do wonders for a person's life. Hell, just ask that Senator from Chicago.

So, Any one else heard any words that are commonly butchered? What did I leave out?

KRIS THE CRITIC

The Hood Ain't What It Used To Be

Did you miss me?

Today, I am not the happiest of scribes. We will get to why I am feeling slightly out of sorts in a minute. The day started out nice enough...well, as nice as The Windy City can be at this time of year. The serene skies actually made me forget about the messed up economy and this god-awful place I go to everyday called a job. Hmmm...I hope my boss doesn't read Kris The Critic. Oh well. This particular day I decided to take a drive through my old neighborhood. Growing up, there was no better place to be during the summer and fall than the south side of Chicago. Even for those who do not hail from Chi-City, I believe you have fond memories of your childhood neighborhood. Close your eyes and think back to the things...Awwww...I tee a wittle smile...

That brings me back to why I'm feeling a little blue. I don't know if I'll ever get that feeling back. Feel me?...not yet. Take a walk with ya boy down memory lane. Let's see if the old grey matter can remember what made the hood such a good place to be. These are of course, in no particular order:

#1) Sports - When was the last time you saw a group of kids play a game of piggy softball, or draw a square box for a game of strike out, hide and seek, red light - green light, football...ANYTHING? It just doesn't happen. No wonder kids 12 years old are so fat now. Sure, we still see a few basketball games, but that's just foreplay to someone getting shot.

#2) Pink Cookies - I know I personally ate about 2000 or so of these from age 5 to 15, so why did they stop being sold? I miss those little sugary treats. I miss all penny candy. Now you can only buy Gyros from foreigners. Back then you could get a bag full of candy for about 87 cents..Real sugar too. No high fructose corn syrup...What was your favorite?...Chiko Sticks, Mike & Ike's, Now & Laters (or Nownlaters as I called them), Wine candy?...

#3) Curfew - I know I didn't dream about this. BUT, didn't all youth (by law) have to be off the street around a certain time? Or was that just my mother who yelled out of the window at 8pm, everyday? If I wasn't in by the time the street lights came on, there were serious consequences and repercussions. They bring back curfew, crime will go down, guaranteed.

#4) Music - There was a time when you could actually hear the words of a nice song and sing along to it. All my friends would walk and sing our favorite songs. That's because someone always had a boom box (forget about an iPod). Anyone could pick up a Jet magazine, go to the hot singles page, and know ALL top 20 songs. Now, I don't know what the heck is being said or who is singing it...But we do know if it's made this decade it about naked women, sex, money and cars...Music sucks!

#5) Neighbors...nice ones and mean ones. It truly takes a village to raise a child. I didn't like it back then, but we all had someone on our block who would go nuts if you walked in their grass. As a matter of fact, most neighbors would know the kids names, break up fights, or even feed you. Today, we don't know half the people on our block.

So, we are all grown up. We have nice homes and nice cars...We didn't have much back then did we? But in truth, it was all we needed. What do you miss about the hood?

Kris The Critic

Everyone Needs A Side Hustle

Welcome Back Friends,

Today we are all going to take an introspective view at a vital part of our very existence. I don't care if you haven't taken an iota of interest in any of my past work. This is one to grow on. I know what you're thinking - "I come to this place as a vacation from the real world and now this dude thinks he's some sort of deep philosopher". Well screw you....Ok, that was harsh. As a matter of fact, you are right. I can be an butt-head most times, but somebody has gotta do it. This world can eat you alive. Sometimes, you need to hear "the real" from a mo-fo like me...And admit it, my incessant rants usually have some substance buried down deep. Right? Thanks for the compliment. These are uncertain financial times. KRIS THE CRITIC is about to explore what is affectionately called "The Side Hustle"

Today's lesson is about the almighty dollar. Now, before any religious zealots get on their high horse, I'm shooting the horse in the leg. Money is not the root of all evil. Evil people are...Ok, religion class is over. Seriously, I am simply saying most material things we desire i.e. school, vacations, family, drinking, cars, clothes require moola. Long gone are the days we can work, raise a family, retire and live happily ever after without much worry. This blog is for everyone from my minimum wage brothers and sisters to my six-figure so-called ballers. We need to plan for the future people. Now don't get all sad thinking about all the savings you don't have or all the money you've "tricked-off" in your life....Ding! Ding! Ding! - For those not familiar with urban lingo, to trick off means to waste. That's your word of the week. Now go practice it among your friends. They'll think you are really cool. Ok, back to the matter at hand. Here just a few ways you can up your financial status if you lack the brains and capital to launch the next Facebook or Google.

Sell some old "stuff" - The digital world is filled with people who value old crap at cheap prices. The internet has made it possible to have the entire world come to your garage sale. While you're at it, ask friends for stuff they don't want and sell it...Don't be ashamed, everyone respects a side gig.

Make a drink - Instead of always being the bar fly, get paid for making cocktails for your fellow pub patrons. Invite all your friends, get them super tipsy and cha-ching! Bartenders also get to sip a few freebies. Hmmm, I think this is the side hustle for yours truly.

Watch some rugrats - For those of you not on any sex offender list, this one is a winner. You don't have to be super smart either. As long as you can play an Elmo DVD, prepare some food, and recognize if a kid isn't breathing - you can do this. There are no lack of employment opportunities here either. Every parent could always use a reliable baby-sitter from time to time.

Write a blog - All you have to do to make tons of money is &#*Q#)&$&@)Q)*#* - Oops. Sorry folks, This is the official side hustle of KRIS THE CRITIC. Until I've become a millionaire entertaining you guys I can't give away the secret (insert expletives here).

Charge people for your hobbies - For those of you who have real tangible skills i.e. taxes, hair, cooking, etc...LET PEOPLE KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY TO PROVIDE YOUR SERVICES FOR A FAIR FEE. Learn to tell friends and relatives that you will be pimped no more. Hmmm...You know what, I think I'll start charging for advice.

Well, I hope I have helped a few people that all does not begin nor end with your regular 9 to 5. Be creative and get paid. SO, WHAT'S YOUR SIDE HUSTLE?

KRIS THE CRITIC

"The Plan" for Single Women

Welcome Back Truth Seekers,

Most of the time I tend to philosophize on matters that are entertaining, debatable, or outright random. Today, KRIS THE CRITIC a.k.a. The Chicago Scribe is going to channel his inner philanthropist. No, I am not going to give away millions like Bill Gates or Warren Buffet. Why not? Because that's just plain ole dumb. That blog, "Lunacy in America" is for another day. I am actually going to give practical advice to single women who are in search of a meaningful relationship. Wow!, "Chicago Scribe" that has a nice ring to it - I just thought it up. What do you think???...Hmmm...Sorry about that. I sometimes digress when I write while sipping a fine cognac - In moderation of course. Fellas, don't stop reading! Sure, the blog has a chick title....BUT, has KRIS THE CRITIC ever let you down?

Ok ladies, enough of my pre-advice ranting. I am all yours. Unlike other areas of your life, "getting a man" requires a different strategy. Trust me, your past successes in school, work, church, the strip club, or whatever required devising a plan. Plans are good in about 94% +/- .5% of everything you do in life. Not here. I know this because I am a relationship expert. My accolades are written in the diaries of tons of ex-girlfriends. But, I am now happily retired (hi honey). Ok, here is "the plan" to the $50,000 question - "Why so many women are struggling to land Mr. Right?"....THE PLAN TO LANDING MR. RIGHT IS TO HAVE NO PLAN. Seriously, men love planning tons of things. But for a chick we just recently thought about hooking up with - It's like asking Louis Farrakhan if he would like a BLT.

As I have said a thousand times, "Men are simple creatures". Plans scare us. Save that until after you have duped us into marriage...lol. Until then, throw your "gotta have in a man list" out the darn window. Here is a partial list of the "no-plan":

1. Try things you don't normally do - If your normal routine(s) have yielded nothing for the past 10 years, you gotta mix it up. Join a co-ed sports league, take a dance class, join a professional organization or cause. Get off your fat duff and do something different.

2. Check yourself - This means get rid of that previously mentioned list. Following it will keep you single. All it does is find fault in potential mates. Women LOVE to point out why they won't date a man. Too fat, too short, wrong career...his birthday falls on Halloween. It's silly. Most women have a hard time pointing out their own flaws. Am I lying?

3. Get some new friends - I'm not saying lose your regular pals. However, if most of your crew constantly complains about not having a man - for (insert any reason you can think of here) - then you need to be-friend some women who have made the transition to from the single life to wifee. They aren't all just lucky.

4. Stay young - This is in spirit. If you and a potential man are in the "get to know each other stage", keep it light. Don't act so cold. Don't be cruel (shout out to Bobby Brown - the lyrics to that song are on point). As a matter of fact, do the opposite. Act bubbly and naive - slightly dumb on certain topics. We love that.

5. Date some different types of men - Most women (because of their list) usually end up with the same type of losers. Switch it up. I'm not saying go date Shrek...just try giving someone with traits not on your list a little attention. You'd be amazed at what you'll see.

Ok, ladies...and fellas who made it to the end - that's a wrap. Any more advice is going to cost you. Now, get off the computer and find a man. So, is KRIS THE CRITIC's advice on "no plan" the real stuff? or full or stuff?

Why Husbands Can Be Such Jerks

Greetings from the mind of Kris The Critic,

I must be getting soft as a baby's tush to even consider writing a soft piece like this. Kris The Critic is a hardcore writer. I could have easily loaded my 38 spun the barrel and played a little Russian roulette, because this is suicide. Kris The Critic is actually caving in to the whims of my married female readers. However, I will gladly comply because they are ones who will eventually buy my book when it's released. Sorry fellas, but you guys only read gossip and sports headlines at most. Hell, most of y'all can't even read. Therefore, I am about to sell out. Instead of raving about the good deeds of my fraternity of married brethren, I am about to decipher why many wives, at times, consider their soul mates....uhhh...well...a-holes. Yep, I'm talking about every wife except mine. Right sweetheart? Because I'm perfect right? Honey? Did you hear me? Oh well...

I will attempt to explain why we sometimes can be perceived as such nefarious creatures. How? you ask...I did a random sampling of 497 married women from various walks of life. Though my sample size was not large (when you think about the number of married women in the world), the results were statistically significant. Why? Because I say so. Besides, anyone who interviews more than 500 women in a row will die instantly of EEB (Excessive Exposure to Blah-Blah-Blah...). There were various ages, races, religions, and backgrounds represented. However, these women shared a common thread in their lives. For centuries, they have wrestled with a similar conundrum in every language imaginable. "Why Husbands Can Be Such Jerks?" The following list represents the top complaints of married women.

1. Complaint - Why does my husband think after we argue like cats and dogs he can expect some good loving?

KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - Because a friggin' argument has NADA to do with a man's fundamental need to "get it in". It's in our DNA. That's like saying "Ok, I'm upset with you, so you can't eat". That's murder. Same with sex. Therefore, a man should be sentenced to death because he made you mad. I didn't think so. Wives, go find your wedding video, find your hubby, apologize and give him some.

2. Complaint - My husband is a procrastinator, I ask him to do or fix something and it takes him forever.

KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - This is simple misperception on your part. We are simply giving you time to make sure this is request is different from requests 1 through 4. You see, we realize that it a woman's prerogative to change her mind on a whim. Rather, than make you go through the headache of having us perform a different task, we simply wait until you feel absolute about the tasks ahead of us. See how considerate we are?

3. Complaint - My husband wants me to be submissive, but then wants me to do everything.

KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - That's what slaves are for! I just had to throw that in to see if you were paying attention. Seriously, we (men) are just simple creatures. We like to "think" we are in control. Figure out how and what you need done and make him "think" it was his idea. Sneaky, I know. But, he's not that bright and a little extra work wont hurt him. Whatever you need to get done, make him think its his idea.

4. Complaint - He wastes money, but questions my spending habits.

KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - Seriously, the needs of married men are a lot less than for a single man and just the opposite of a married woman. Our needs are pretty simple. Here is the complete list of things we are accused of wasting money on (all 497 women shared this response)...Beer and Food. So pardon us, when we see a $1000 purse, yes we do think we are entitled to a treat here and there. Give him plenty of beer, food and sex very often and he won't question much at all!

5. Complaint - My husband seems to be more patient with his buddies than me.

KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - That's not true at all. As most men know, their friends aren't the most complex creatures to begin with, so we treat each other accordingly. The reason we married men treat each other so well is because we are usually enjoying a nice frosty beverage while we hang with our buds. Solution, wives, always show up with food and beer. I guarantee you he will be most excited every time you enter the room.

So you see ladies, your husband is not being a jerk. He's just being....a man. Use these tips to your advantage. They will go a long way. Good Luck....Oh, don't worry about him reading this blog. It's too long for a guy to actually read.

Until next time,

KRIS THE CRITIC

Don't Let Your Kids Blow Smoke Up Your Ass

Hello Faithful Followers,

This blog is dedicated to all parents who have those beings called teenagers. This piece is actually filled with useful information. But then again, all of my blogs are. I do realize that these beautiful creatures are angels in our eyes (take a moment to think about yours - ahhhhh). Know this - THEY ARE ALL FULL OF SHIT!. Yea, I said it. Unfortunately, Kris The Critic may move a couple notches down from your number 1 blogger spot. So, after you curse me, make sure to thank me. Now, don't start the hate mail yet because I called your kids turds. I actually have some myself. I bought them yesterday and at times, I want to return them as well. But we are stuck with them. Therefore, we must arm ourselves with knowledge. Even though most of us used to be teenagers, the game is changing at warp speed people. Parents need to know more than a few cool phrases like "That's sick" or "He's a beast" to really know what's going on. THIS IS A PEEK INTO THE SECRET LIVES OF TEENS: SEX and DRUGS.

I will admit, the following does not apply to ALL TEENS. There are exactly 62% of kids that the majority of this blog DOES NOT APPLY. However, the parents of the other 38% need to take your kids immediately to a priest, shrink, witch doctor or anyone with the ability to remove demons from one's soul. You people are the unproud parents of the bad apples. As a matter of fact, why don't you go grab a drink and take a moment to yourself before we continue, this may not be easy. I'll wait.........Ok, you there? Good. Remember, there is no reason to keel over just yet. These are teens. There is plenty of time to make positive changes during these formative years. But there is also time for your child to master the art of pole dancing. So, without further delay, let's examine some issues we may or may not already know. But know this, they need to be addressed.

Sex - I don't know if it's in the water or the tons of Flaming Hot chips these kids are eating, but they are taking this whole sex drive thing to new heights. About half of teens 15 to 19 admit to having sex. Over half admit to having oral sex. DAMN! Is sex ed being taught by Joe Francis and his Girls Gone Wild videos? The sad thing is that a lot of teens don't think this is a big deal. More kids than ever are even being caught performing sex acts at school. Straight, gay, bi...It's all in your local high school. Don't believe Kris The Critic...Here is a novel idea ask your teen. Hell, ask ANY teen. To solve this conundrum would take 400 years of research and cost $878 trillion dollars. So, I'll say this...When your teen starts to walk around like they are paying some bills with a stank attitude - THIS MAYBE A SIGN OF PREMATITAL SEX. SMACK THE CRAP out of them and say "You betta not bring no damn babies up in here, cause I ain't takin' care of them". Can I get an amen!

Drugs - Whoever didn't sip a lil cheap wine before the age of 21, raise your hand. Now, stop reading this and leave the room. You are a saint and do not need to be reading this filth as the Man above made you perfect. Back to the rest of us...Today's teen is neither from a drinking generation or a marijuana generation. They are a "whatever-i-can-get-my-hands-on" generation. Most teens are already dim witted. Couple their natural propensity to do dumb sh#$ with a far too frequent drug habit and you get record numbers of teens dropping out of school. Let's perform a litmus test. Ask your teen how easy is it to get weed or whatever at school. At least in our day, the dope man wandered the neighborhood. Now the dope man is sitting in Algebra!

Again, Kris The Critic is a servant to the people. Those of us blessed with children have to responsibility to keep our boys out of jail and our girls off of the stripper's pole. So the next time your teen even looks like they are about to get out of line, give 'em a nice old fashioned back hand (open fist of course). It worked for grandma.

Good Luck with your bad ass kids,

Kris The Critic

Planning For Your Funeral

I'm ba-a-a-a-a-a-ck,

I already know what you're thinking, "I could give a rats' ass what happens when the grim reaper comes for me". Hell, most of us will be glad that we can finally say "screw it" to all unpaid bills. However, if you are even mildly interested in your legacy, it would behoove you to spend just a little time to give some thought to a few logistics prior to that inevitable day. Ya'll get it yet? No? Let me try this another way...I am sure 100% of KRIS THE CRITIC readers will be in the VIP line for the Pearly Gates. However, there is a chance that some of us should pay a wee bit of attention to some of the skeletons that may be in our closets. Ahhh...Can you smell me now? (I love saying that).

Now everyone don't get your panties in a bunch. Relax. It's not that bad. Ok, maybe it is for about 5% of you little devils. Even KRIS THE CRITIC is powerless to make rapists and child molesters be looked upon as anything but scum until the end of time. Sorry losers. For the rest of us in the 95 percentile, there is some damage control we can do to protect how future generations will remember us. So, all of you liars, gossipers, philanderers and any other sinners (wow, I guess that's just about all of us, huh) - cop a squat and grab a pen and pad. Your favorite scribe is about to drop practical knowledge. Oh, for all my literarily challenged (I think that's a word) - A philanderer is a cheater. Not only do you get a great blog, but I even threw in a word for the day.

So, without further delay, here are a five things to do (in no particular order) so your friends and family don't cuss your name for eternity.

Get A Life Insurance Policy - Nothing pisses off a family more than when they have to take up a collection to bury a person who they could barely stand in the first place. I'm not saying you have to leave anybody rich, but at least try to pay for your own pine box.

Do Not Die On A Holiday or Loved One's Birthday - You don't want the kids to grow up hating Christmas do you? Barring a sudden death like a car accident, this can be accomplished. If you are terminally ill, just tell the family to keep you plugged up to a respirator until midnight of the next day.

Deal With Your Illegitimate Kids - Hey, shit happens right? But Jeez, 5 other people should not be falling on the casket screaming "I'mma miss my daddy!"

Tell Your Homies To Handle The Mistress - If the funeral is on Saturday, make sure the side-piece thinks it on a Sunday. There is no need for a fight to break out on such an occasion. Besides, it ruins the repast conversation after the funeral.

Remove The 1st Wife As A Beneficiary - How many times have we seen women "come up" on work or survivor benefits because this idiot didn't up update his records. This is a sure way to get any current girlfriend, caregiver, or everyone else remember you as a loser.

Kris The Critic is not a nice guy, but I'm fair. Heed my advice and maybe one day, future generations will smile when your name is mentioned. Otherwise, your name will will become "That no good mother------ ____________"!

Additions?

Until next time,

KRIS THE CRITIC

The Celebrity Write-Up - 1st Edition

Knock Knock - Who's There? - Ima - Ima who? -

IMA CELEBRITY SO I CAN DO WHAT THE F@#$ I WANNA DO!

Hello faithful followers,

KRIS THE CRITIC has finally given in to the pressure. I have wilted like a china rose in the Las Vegas desert sun. I am about to give it up quicker than a groupie gives it up to an NBA player. The world's most fearless writer is about to break a coveted oath made to himself when legend of KRIS THE CRITIC began. I am crossing a line that I promised I would never cross. May the Woman above forgive me for my actions, I know not what I do. I am about to...(I'm actually shedding a tear over here). I am about to...BLOG ABOUT CELEBRITIES.

Whew. I said it. Before I begin, let me wipe my eyes. Between typing, I'm cutting up some onions for my world famous Guacamole. (You guys didn't really think the scribe of steel would be shedding tears of sadness did you?). So, what's the big deal? The big deal is this "I HATE WRITING ABOUT CELEBRITIES BECAUSE EVERYONE DOES IT!" There is as much creativity in that as there is originality in hip-hop made after the year 2000. So, why am I doing it? Well, my faithful followers have been asking for it and your wish is my command.....NOT! The real reason is that Celebrities are straight TRIPPIN'. I thought I'd done some crazy S#^$ in my life(that's a blog for another day). The following folks by their actions have been BEGGING me to "get down" on them.

THERE ARE ABOUT 50 CELEBRITY F-UPS I NEED TO ADDRESS. HOWEVER, I CAN'T FOCUS LONG ENOUGH TO ADDRESS ALL OF THEM. I'LL ADDRESS ABOUT 5 DIMWITS PER CELEBRITY EDITION,

So, without delay, here is a partial list of Celebrities who are just plain goofy, as exhibited by some of their asanine antics.

Gilbert Arenas - alias Agent Zero now known as the founder of "Bring Your Gun To Work Day". He is just a f%$*#@% idiot. In the midst of a $111 million contract (yes, he's a nine figga n^@@& - this nut decides to bring a gun to work to settle a gambling debt with a teammate. Gilbert better pray that the good ole "moral clause" doesn't wipe out his fortune. Only in the NBA. Question - How can a dude named "Gilbert" think he's tough anyway?

Nikki Minaj - OK, I get it - you want to be the new Lil Kim. Granted, in the world of entertainment one must be eccentric, but I'm am just sick and tired of every new singer selling me porn in a song or video. I have a great bootleg video guy who can sell me the real thing when I'm in the mood. In her latest release with Usher "Lil Freak" - She boasts finding women at the club to have a menage a-trois with Usher Why didn't she just make her name Nicki 3some? Hmmmm...maybe I'm really a fan of Ms. Minaj,

Matthew Knowles aka "Matty Soprano"- Beyonce's Daddy is a wild dude. 1st, he pulls a mafia move and takes over Destiny's Child (hmmm...I'm surprised the ex-group members haven't had his ass popped yet - I know I would have) 2nd, he starts paying off radio stations NOT to play ex DC member Letoya Luckett's music. 3rd, he starts foolin' around with one of Beyonce's dancers...Now, at 58 years old he gets hit with an $8K a month child support suit. And folks, this is just what we know PUBLICLY, I'm sure there's a dead body or two laying around somewhere.

Tiger Woods Mistresses (ALL of them) - I hate to bring up the race card. BUT, everyone knows Tiger aka Cheetah wouldn't have had NEARLY as many problems if these lovers were African American women. They may have harrassed the hell out of him or had a couple of their girls thugged-out cousins pay him a visit. HOWEVER, they would not have screwed up any endorsement money. He could hired a friggin tribe of Atlanta's best strippers for the price he was payin' those dumb broads. TIGER, IF YOU ARE READING THIS PLEASE NOTE: SISTAS DO NOT LIKE MESSING UP THE MONEY STREAM.

The GOP (Grand Old Party aka Republicans) - KRIS THE CRITIC is not a politician. However, when you disrepect my boy Obama, I will get at you. This group of people seriously don't want all Americans to have access to quality health care. Why? the trillions of deficit the country is in? taxes? Well, I could give a rat's ass how much it cost. What's a few billion more if you're already down trillions? And taxes? Rich folks SHOULD be taxed more for getting rich in a system that constantly screws the poor. Warning: The next time Big O is speaking in session and one of you 105 year old farts interrupts him, I'm calling my Chi-town Englewood peeps to handle you.

Ok, people. It's a wrap. Who should be included in the next edition? Lil Wayne? Antoine Walker? Gabrielle Union?

Holla,

KRIS THE CRITIC

P.S.

I spared Tiger for now - I think I like Playa Tiger. He's now earned a new moniker....Instead of him a being a self described Cablinasian. He's now a Cablin-gg--

The Mistress

Hello people,

Today's topic is dedicated to the no-good men of the world (hey, they need advice too - plus this is funny stuff). It centers around what seemingly seems to be a person of growing interest around the country, the Mistress. For all of us who tend to interpret the English language in a fashion that suits our particular desires, here is the Merriam-Webster definition of a mistress: A woman other than his wife with whom a man has a continual sexual relationship. Now, pending one's perspective she is either vilified or praised. Ladies, before you get your panties all up in a bunch, I am not condoning any shenanigans from my brethren. And fellas, don't get all giddy, I am not going to bequeath any of my past "Supreme Playa" knowledge on you either.

Kris the Critic is merely a servant to the people. It is my duty to write about the world around us. And right now, people....There is a lot of hanky panky going on. I'm not judging, I'm jus' sayin'...Mistresses are up 17.2% from last year. Ok, I made that up, but ya'll know it's way-y-y-y more sneaky freakin' goin' on than in years past. So, we'll go with the 17.2%. What's the big deal? It's causing problems. Folks are fighting, kids are cryin', losing money through divorce, even getting their wigs pushed back (that's street lingo for getting killed). Morality aside, there needs to be some sort of ROBERTS RULES OF HANDLING THE MISTRESS. Therefore, your favorite World Reporter has put together a list of 6 guidelines to quell any unpleasantries that may result from this forbidden union (mom, if you are reading this please note this is for entertainment purposes only). Back to all my cheaters, I mean readers. Here ya' go...

#6 Do not use your real name. Create sexy alias like "Denzel Pitt". This serves two purposes. a) It keeps her feeling like she's with a star when it's really just yo triflin ass and b) Yo don't want this psycho knowing your real name fool. (Hell, 75% of Mistresses are certified crazy - and that is a real statistic). If she gets your name, she'll eventually have your social security number and credit card information.

#5 Never ever, never ever, never ever use your home (or any relatives home) as the spot for your secret rendevous. This gentlemen, is future ammo for when she snaps...AND SHE WILL EVENTUALLY SNAP. You don't want the mistress to ever blab on and on about the way she likes how your wife decorated the house. Not good. This is a sure fire way to wake up with "Al Green - Hot" grits on your face.

#4) Refer to her as YOUR MISTRESS. These psycho broads somehow, everytime will begin to think they are more than a sidepiece. Kris The Critic is clueless as to why, but I HEAR IT HAPPENS (yes honey, that's what I heard from Tyrone an' nem). Calling her a mistress reminds her frequently that her purpose is relegated to your personal sexual happiness only.

#3) Become a life coach for your Mistress. This will win you a few friend points. This is of vital importance. The day will come when you are racking your brain to get rid of this friggin headache of a woman. Maybe when she goes ballistic, she'll at least show some mercy "because he was also my friend"

#2) Use a condom. DNA and disease are real. The first can get you life in prison if she she screams rape. The latter can take your life. So, just like your teacher's told you as a child - Play safe. Besides, you don't want her getting pregnant, do you? Mistresses are 30% more likely to get pregnant than your spouse. So, do not just give away another 20% of your paycheck away.

#1) Do not ever give your mistress money. I'm not saying be a tight-ass. You can buy meals, drinks, clothes, motel stays (all in cash of course), but never give her money directly. Listen, nothing says I care like a wad of money. And you do not want her to think you care. Secondly, the number 1 cause for divorce is finance. After you are caught (and you will eventually be caught), your wife can stomach you having a romp in the hay. She will not stomach yo dumb ass giving away the kids tuition money.

Ok boys, have at it. You are now armed with the tools you need to prolong f#$@ing up your marriage. But hey, at least you'll have some fun and keep some dignity doing it. I can't give out any more advice because then I'd have to charge you for it. That's why you only get 6 reasons. There are really 10 that exist.

So, am I insane? Did I leave out any vital piece of information?

Be safe,

KRIS THE CRITIC

Flight 303

Greetings Earthlings,

This blog is a tribute to those who have dared to go where few men have ever gone before. It is a dedication to a few special individuals who have braved the elements of an unknown journey in the name of love. These men have put their own needs aside in spite of an arduous task set before them. This blog is a formal expression of praise for dad's everywhere who have taken a 4 hour flight, alone with a baby. Ladies and gentlemen, KRIS THE CRITIC has joined the ranks of this elite group of parents who have been blessed with patience second only to Jesus Christ himself...OR...are as dumb as a box of rocks for agreeing to torture themselves. Now that I have lived through this mind numbing experience, my thoughts can be summed up in a few words..."WHAT IN THE F#%@ WAS I THINKING"! I am definitely part of the latter group of idiots. I know what your thinking. KRIS THE CRITIC, we've seen that little doll of yours. You are surely exaggerating. Well, screw you. You guys weren't there. We flew from Chicago to LA. My little precious baby turned into a "Chuckie" Doll for a few hours. For a few moments, I thought her head was going to spin around and she'd vomit all over me. Well, her head stayed intact, but she did vomit all over me, multiple times...It all started out so peaceful. What happened?...Let's examine the day's events...

8:20am - Baby and I arrived at O'hare airport. She loves riding in cars, this was no exception...What a sweet little girl. Muah! You are about to go on your first airplane. Yippeeee!

8:35am - Dang, this airport security line is longer than The Eagle roller coaster at Great America - circa 1989. The Baby is getting slightly antsy.

9:05am - First sign of frustration. Along with taking of my shoes, belt, coat, etc. I have to do the same for the baby...AND break down the stroller and disassemble the car seat. I am officially starting to perspire.

9:15am - I can't believe this fake-a$$ airport security chumps are inspecting baby food for this length of time...Does Similac have financial holdings in Iraq...WTF! Do they think the baby brought a bag of weed. Geez....

9:25am - Now that we've made it pass the Keystone Kops. I gotta change my little baby girl in the men's room (Hmmm...she's only 6 months - but I still gotta keep my eye on these perverts). That's was easy. It was only a wet didy.

10:15 - Whew. Finally on the plane. I'm a little winded. Hmmm, she will probably sleep the entire time. Yup, this will be cake.

10:30 - Liftoff! I'll give her a little bottle so her little ears won't pop and she'll be sleep in no time. This is so easy.

10:50 - I tell the little old lady next to me that I won't need her assistance (like I want her grubby old paws on my little lady)

11:30 - After singing the entire Thriller album, my little lady drifts off to sleep. Hey, she's a Michael Jackson fan. I'm not that bad of a singer, I think the folks around me enjoyed it...And I am ready for a nap my self. My neck is a getting little achy. See you guys in LA.

11:57am - What! the nap ended already. She's squirming and crying. Hmmm. My singing's not working. Hmmm...What's that smell? Geez, that flight attendant needs to take that trash to the back. Wow, that's putrid...Uh-oh, is that my baby? Off to the restroom. This is not going to be good.

12:35pm - I now realize that you do not dress to look good travelling with a baby. My True Religion Jeans and Perry Ellis sweater now have a tie-dyed look from the various colors of baby vomit. Next time, I'm wearing a painters outfit or better yet, a hefty bag.

12:52pm - How do they expect anyone to travel with a baby in these little seats? MY NECK IS KILLING ME!! I need a massage. Where did the old lady go?...PLEASE STOP CRYING! (I'm rocking, I'm singing, I'm rocking, I'm singing...) Are we there YET?

1:05pm - Thank God for this old lady next to me. The baby FINALLY stopped crying. I should have let her hold the baby two hours ago...And now I can crawl under the seat and find the other shoe which is lost yet again.

1:28pm - I gotta get back in the gym. I'm having shortness of breath. I hope this isn't a heart attack. If I die. I'm suing McDonald's...Back to my seat.

1:45pm - Ahhh...I have a sitter. Time for a little nap for daddy.

2:30pm - WTF! We're here already! I was JUST getting to sleep. Well, at least we made it safely.

Now that this experience is over, I can say this. Babies needs mommies. Daddies just aren't built for certain activities. This is one of them. Once this crook in my neck subsides, I'll cook my darling wife dinner for the next week. Have any of you great dad's had similar experiences?

KRIS THE CRITIC

Ode To Beer

Welcome Back Critics,

No mysterious titles today. This piece is simply dedication to one of the most fascinating gifts this world has to offer - BEER. That's right beer. It is THE most widely consumed beverage after water and tea. Now, why in the hell would someone want to drink tea over beer is beyond me. But, that's a blog for another day. Ahhh, this fermented wonder, brewed from malt and flavored with hops has been as important to mankind as the wheel or the electric lightbulb. Ok, maybe that's a slight stretch. So, I take that back. I'd rather have a beer over a wheel any day of the week. And, I believe I speak for the masses (not just for those who over indulge).

This year, over 35 billion beers will be sold! Wow, I'm getting all warm and fuzzy now...maybe even a partial. Ok, that's going a little far, but it's merely a colorful way of saying I LOVE THIS STUFF! and you should too. Beer has been there for us all during various momentus occasions of our lives. Let's take a look ...

As a teen, I would be willing to wager a nickel that whenever some of you "stumbled into" or "fell victim to" your first piece of action (because it is a matter of perspective) there was a nice cold 40oz somewhere in the vicinity. Hey, I didn't say that was an ideal welcome into adulthood, but surely it was an icebreaker, right? We should all give beer a "big" thank you.

We can't forget high school graduation, can we? As we climbed the podium to celebrate all those years of dedication towards a diploma, it wasn't just your family who helped you enjoy the fruits of your labor. Beer was right there at the after-party assisting with your mumbled, drunken appreciation speech for all of your loved ones.

Ok, raise your hands if Beer was one of your best friends during college! Yup, that's most of us. Talk about partying on a budget. There was no place on the planet where beer could be purchased cheaper than the college campus. It definitely helped with developing my financial acumen...Which is the better value? Two 40 oz's for $2.40 each or One 6-pack for $3.60? Well pupils, in this case, the 6-pack (assuming 12 oz per can) yields an ounce per every 5 cents versus 6 cents per ounce with Two 40 oz's for $2.40 each...You see, beer was also a teacher.

Now, take a look around at those beautiful little people who look just like you. Besides the begging, whining, crying, bad grades, tuition, fighting, and talking back...Aren't they precious? Well, guess who was there right with you at the moment of conception? You guessed it, your partner in crime...beer. Now, don't blame beer if it wasn't your intent to have 3 or 4 kids by now (depending on how many you claim - fellas). Beer was simply assisting you with your goal at the moment. No one told you to drink seven. Now, drink a beer and figure out how you are going to pay for all those damn kids.

I know what you're thinking. Kris The Critic is crazy. He is promoting drinking beer. Well...uh, I AM DAMMIT! Whether it's an import or domestic, a lager or an ale, go get yourself a cold one a.s.a.p. Listen people, the world can be a little hectic at times. I am merely showing you a way to relax and recharge your batteries (in moderation - of course). Besides, isn't this better than promoting Whiskey, Crack, or Cigarettes? Don't want my advice...suit yourself. Go be miserable alone while the rest of us celebrate one of God's greatest gifts, BEER.

Stay Thirsty,

Kris The Critic

The World's Oldest Profession

Welcome back earthlings,

Today's topic is sure to spark some controversy. Those of you who have enjoyed the Kris The Critic experience know that I do not just think "out of the box". The box doesn't even exist in my mind. For you "newbees", please realize that I have flaws just like everyone else. However, in the words of the late Tupac Shakur, "I just don't give a f#%@"...Have you ever been in that type of mood? Well, that's the mood I'm in now. Here's the disclaimer: THIS BLOG IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY, KEEP ALL OF YOUR RIGHTEOUS MUMBO JUMBO FAR AWAY FROM MY "COMMENTS" SECTION. This blog has some very practical uses. It may actually help rescue our drowning economy. In case you are can't read or don't have access to a television, America's balance sheet is ridiculously pathetic at best. Yours truly has an idea (albeit, uhhh...how shall I say this?...let's just say morally conflicted) that can solve a plethora of problems. Okay, you got me. I've been trying to work that word in a blog forever. If you don't know what it means get "off your duff" and look it up!...Here it is - drum roll please: THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA SHOULD LEGALIZE PROSTITUITON IN ALL 50 STATES!...by the way I don't count anything else we may own 'cause 51 just sounds stupid. Okay, back to today's subject. I will illustrate a few obvious societal benefits of prostitution.

The divorce rate would would come to a grinding halt if an unsatisfied spouse were able to seek "comfort" in a safe, controlled enviroment. Think about it before you say I'm going bananas. Here is an example - A husband or wife who's had it up to here could take off work early, visit a local brothel and still be home in time for dinner with the kids. Not only would this save the marriage, but it would also keep the family unit intact. I think we all agree there are too many single family homes, don't we? This simple excursion would also a be a better value than the finances associated with a mistress. I won't even bother to go into the headache involved when a mistress is scorned. This nightmare is eliminated all together with some good ole fashioned prostituition.

Our economy would thrive. I am far from an expert on our fiscal standing, but we are in a recession. So we can all conclude the state of financial affairs are far from ideal. I do believe we have some sort of multi-trillion dollar deficit. Hmmm...How the hell do you get that far in the hole anyway?...Instead of printing more money (which is why the economy is jacked up in the first place) with legal, safe, controlled prostitution I think we could knock off about a trillion bucks every-y-y-y-...oh, 2 years or so. Do you think I'm far off? Maybe you underestimate the amount of money spent on "adult entertainment". Imagine Uncle Sam getting 50% of every dollar spent an orgasm. If each orgasm if worth about $200 (pending services offered could be more or less), that's alot of loot. I think I've just solved the poor school situation as well.


The health benefits to this simple solution can't even be expressed in words. If a man or woman could get some grade A loving without risk of contracting some nasty STD we could elimate government spending in this area all together. At least the "frequently cheated on spouse" could have some peace of mind knowing that their love starved counterpart could at least visit a "safe ho" versus some random tramp. Again, I know this is not your normal everyday solution, but these are drastic times people. Drastic times call for drastic measures. It is my duty to tell you the truth according to Kris The Critic.

So, how do we all feel? Are you with me? I bet you guys have come up with some additional benefits of prostituion haven't you? Don't be shy. Share them with the world.

Kris The Critic

Technology Sucks

Welcome Fans of Kris The Critic,

The time has come for this madness we call technology to stop. Okay, we all know that it will never stop, but maybe it could slow down a wee bit. Hmmm, that's not likely either. Better yet, it could simply become slightly less intrusive. Yeah, that's it. Do you feel me? Can a brother break it down?

Kris The Critic remembers a time not so long ago where if someone called me and I wasn't there, well...I wasn't there. That was it. They would wait a few hours and try to reach me again. This process would repeat until I answered the phone OR someone at my house picked up the phone OR they would just give up. Ahhh, life was so simple. You do see where this is going don't you? I didn't have to be bothered with a single solitary soul unless I damn well chose to. I am convinced that this is how life was intended to be. If you disagree, well...go screw yourself. I will attempt to illustrate to those of you with less gray matter than most why the following technological advancements have made human existence worse...And for those considered "players" (though I am retired) these items should avoided or used at a bare minimum. This is advice for my male AND female readers.

1) The beeper/pager - This was the SH@$...It was to telecommunications what space invaders was to video games - very archaic looking back, but ahead of its time when it was conceived (okay, so now you know I'm over 30...here's a cookie). These were initially designed for surgeons on call, but low and behold, it wasn't long before everyone had a beeper on their hip. And it wasn't long after that before some dope was getting chewed out because he didn't return the 15th emergency of the day fast enough. Especially if someone left the "911" code.

2) Call Waiting/3 way calling - Yes young people, this stuff didn't always exist. But it blows as much as the pager. Every guy or gal who has been secretly trapped on the line with 2 people (while one person stayed quiet) who found out you were trying to date both of them please raise your hand. Yup, I knew it. Who invented this anyway? It had to be some sort of asexual human devoid of any sexual feelings towards others.

3) Cell Phone - This really seemed like a great invention. Nope, try again. It was the precursor to GPS (which is a separate blog all together). How many of us have received or made 22 calls in a row because you knew they had that damn cell phone? I don't know who's worse - the crazy ass caller who made 22 calls...or the person who didn't just pick up and say "I'm busy dammit!". Either way, cell phones should be used for law enforcement purposes only.

4) Voice Mail - Do I really need am example for this one? I hated this when they had the little tiny cassette tapes (remember those?) ALL OF US have busted someone out or been busted out because of this technological "advancement"...Hell, this was definitely a set back. All of you cheaters be very careful. The next time you leave a steamy voicemail look out of your window to see if the white "cheaters" van is pulling into your driveway.

5) Email - This "advancement" is solely responsible for more breakups, firings, expulsions, etc. than any item on this list. Not only did some moron invent email, they invented the ability to cc and bcc. I hate this mutha#$&@^ with a passion. The next time I even think of sending an email, I'm going to smack myself and then use the telephone.

6) Facebook/MySpace/Twitter/"and any other dumb-ass addictive as crack social networking site" - I am sure as I type some poor sap's wife is throwing his sh$# out of the window because he hooked up with some ramdon chick who tracked him down on one of these so-called "networking" sites. These sites should be called "Ho-tracking" sites because their is alot of naughtiness going on with all these great friends you've lost touch with. If they were so great, why did you lose touch in the first damn place? The only thing that burns me up more is to know that all these geniuses that invented these sites are millionaires probably in their 30's. Damn, why didn't I invent one of these?

I hate technology. I would continue, but I'm about to throw my computer out of the window. I'm getting nervous just by typing.

Well people, were there any glaring omissions? thoughts?

Your Favorite Scribe,

Kris The Critic

Why You Are Not Married! - Part 2

Ladies...I promise to be gentle.

In addition to sometimes being a grade A a$$@*#*, Kris The Critic does have a heart. Don't get me wrong, there are enough women making bone head relationship decisions out there for me to write 50 blogs on this title alone. However, I am a servant to the people. Fortunately for you, I have made enough mistakes in life to fill up a phone book. So, in your quest for Holy matrimony, I implore you to remain undaunted. THE LONG ROAD TO THE ALTAR(...which is the name of a future blog AND my copy written movie idea- so no biting please) really isn't that far away, if that is what you seek. If not, keep reading...along with educating the masses, it will tickle a bit. Before we delve into the meat of this matter (and for the newbies to Kris The Critic), I'd like to remind everyone that there is a prerequisite for this course. It is called "Why You Are Not Married" - Part I, dated 11/18/2009 (covers problems #1 - #5) . So please do not bombard me with questions the teacher has already covered. Read it dammit! because no cliff notes exist. Let's continue...

#6 Problem: Why Buy The Cow When You Can Get The Milk For Free. Listen, I am not going to sit here and tell you to keep your legs closed until you get a ring (even though that's ideal), but most women are giving it up quicker than you can say Kris The Critic. Quick, somebody tell me the average time to "doin' the do?...What? 3 1/2 dates? 2 weeks? Am I lying? Solution: Men are simple creatures, but we ain't that simple. Make that man wait. I won't put a time timetable on the subject, but I will say this - "If every woman decided to keep the goodies to herself until she got a ring, there would be no need for this blog.

#7 Problem: Stop hanging out at loser establishments. Men know exactly where to go to find a "come up". I think some women mistake that same place for finding Mr. Right. Solution: The next time you go out, ask a few men what their occupation is. If you hear "Doctor this" or "Attorney that"...not a bad start. If you hear "Street Pharmaceutical Distributor" or "A lil bit of this and that" chances are your locale is an issue.

#8 Problem: Know what battles to fight. You finally get a good guy on the hook, but you mess it up because you argue too damn much. Solution: God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason. No man wants to hear what you will and won't put up with because of the last loser you dated. It wasn't his fault. Let it go. As a matter of fact, I told you we are simple creatures - Let us "think" we won the debate from time to time. We like that.

#9 Problem: You are selfish. I just want to rip my ears off every time I hear a woman say "She wants a man to compliment her because of...well, because of whatever long list of attributes she THINKS she has". Don't get me wrong a man SHOULD compliment you. Solution: Know that this thing called marriage is real work. The better attitude is focusing on what you have to offer "for the good both of you". Are you as focused on what you have to offer as you are on what he has to give?

#10 Problem: You aren't growing. Solution - Get your "weight" up. Hold the extra value meal please. I am not talking about your weight in pounds (by the way, 77% of ya'll could stand to lose a couple...I'm just saying). I am talking about life skills. Solution: Work on something, anything (actually, this is advice for both sexes). Learn to cook. Work on your faith. A man (just like a woman) wants someone who sees a similar path in front of them on this road we called life.

Any questions? Class is dismissed.

Kris The Critic

Now These Cats Were Cool...

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Let this be a peek into the past for all the young folks out there who, in the opinion of Kris The Critic, haven't a clue what real cool is. As a child of the 70's (no jokes please), I was a television junkie. These fictional characters were far more than entertainment. They were teachers of what's good, what's bad...and what defined cool. Television is now comprised of reality shows, news, HGTV and uhhh...more reality shows. Every character on every show is damn near a carbon copy of each other. Hmmm...Sounds, almost like the music industry... Don't you agree? (but I guess that's another blog) Well, you know that the duty of Kris The Critic is to serve the people. I am about to take a brief trip down memory lane to revisit some of the coolest cats that ever graced the land of televeision. If you have a kid named Pointdexter who's a nerd reject, take a visit to Blockbuster (hurry because they are all about to go out of business) and turn him into a stud. Here is a partial list of who your offspring needs to be introduced to. These are in no particular order....

#10 JAMES "J.J." EVANS, JR. (Good Times) - "Chello-o-o-o-"...Alright, people J.J. makes the list for being so optimistic though he lived in the ghetto....And the Critic cannot tell a lie. I thought the nickname Kid Dyn"o"mite!...was the sh$&

#9 BO AND LUKE DUKE (Dukes of Hazzard) - The good ole boys are the only country duo on the list. I'm not sure if I watched this show because of fine ass cousin Daisy...Super short shorts (Daisy Dukes) were named after her. Their car, The General Lee (though it did sport that confederate flag) was hot.

#8 MAGNUM P.I. (Magnum P.I.) - This might be my all time idol. This guy's job included a ferari and a mansion. The 2 doberman pinschers he owned, Apollo and Zeus also meant that he wasn't to be f#^$*# with.

#7 WILLIS JACKSON (Different Strokes) - Willis sported the tightest afro on television PERIOD. His girlfriend Charlene was played by the young Janet Jackson. If Todd Bridges wasn't such an idiot in real life, he'd be further up on the list.

#6 FREDDIE "BOOM-BOOM" WASHINGTON (Welcome Back Kotter) - "Hi There", Freddie co-led a high school gang called the Sweathogs. His nickname alone says cool. Who wouldn't want chicks calling them "Boom-Boom"? Let me try it..."Hi There, my name is (pause) Boom-Boom" Yeah, that works FOR REAL.

#5 GEORGE JEFFERSON (The Jeffersons) - George was the first brother on TV (hmmm, maybe the only one, to live in a delux apartment in the sky). He also gets Kudos for being the only African American to call a white person "Honky" on a regular basis and wasn't strung up on a tree for it. And he did this in the 70's people.

#4 VINCENT "VINNIE" BARBARINO (Welcome Back Kotter)- The man who introduced us to the saying "Up your nose with a rubber hose" could easily be tops on this list. This Italian American was leader of the Sweathogs (yes, the same Sweathogs with Freddie "Boom-Boom Washington). Welcome Back Kotter is the only show with 2 occupants on the list. Why was this show ever cancelled?

#3 MR. ROARKE (Fantasy Island) - Have we EVER seen Mr Roaorke sport anything other than a super fresh white suit. This cat granted fantasies on a tropical island. If that isn't the coolest job ever, then what is? He even had a little midget assistant (R.I.P. Tattoo)

#2) JACK TRIPPER (Three's Company) - I KNOW I am going to catch some flack on this one. There are some people who think Mr. Tripper was a goofy. HOWEVER, if you live with 2 hot babes you are cool period. Have we seen anyone else in the history of TV achieve this? I didn't think so.

#1 ARTHUR "THE FONZ" FONZARELLI (Happy Days) - "Aaaaaayyyyyy!" Hands down the Fonz was the coolest character EVER created for the small screen or the big screen. He made the white tee-shirt popular. He made everyone want a leather jacket and a motorcycle. And just by the snap of his finger, not one, but TWO chicks would come running. I am sure he is the first character on TV to have a menage a trois.

Ok people, that's a wrap. Again, these people wreaked of cool. If know a young man who can't get any girls, gets his butt kicked alot, or is just a wimp - introduce him to my friends above.

Oh, you're welcome.

Kris The Critic

Ooops...Kris The Critic almost made a major error. LIEUTENANT THEO KOJACK (Kojack) - Kojack should have been right up their with The Fonz. This Lollipop licking Greek-American cop was cooler than the other side of the pillow. He introduced us to the catchphrase "Who Loves Ya, Baby?"

Okay, the list is now complete.

Which Breakfast Cereal Are You?

Welcome back readers,

The Critic of Random s#%@ has returned. However, the topic of breakfast cereals is not random at all. The best breakfast cereals have been as important a part of our everyday American lives as a hot cup of coffee. Okay, some of you "sophisticated" folks think a cold cereal blog is beneath you, huh?...Well, Raise up! That's right, Get to Steppin'! Take yo' ass to Starbucks.
Okay, now that we have "real" America in the place, I shall continue. First, I'd like to point out again that this is a Kris The Critic blog. This means that we won't even be discussing those super healthy cereals. You know the type. The ones that boast pouring milk directly over stuff like nuts, carrots and beets. This is strictly for cereals fortified with good ole fashioned sugar. As a matter of fact, you can tell alot about a person by the type of cereal he or she eats. No, this is a not an exact science, but its pur-r-r-rty damned close. Let's take a look.

Raisin Bran - You won't admit it, but you try to keep up with the Joneses. Sometimes, you are even considered phony or scared to think out of the box. Anyone who eats a cereal that pretends to be healthy when it has raisins dipped in so much sugar they shouldn't be called raisins anymore is not totally in touch with reality. Hey, but everybody eats Raisin Bran, right?

Cap'n Crunch - Ahhh...This is my personal favorite. Unfortunately, if it is yours, you are a certified nut as well. Hands down, this cereal consistently gets the worst nutritional score of any cereal marketed to families and kids. Anyone who knowlingly ingests this product is looking to raise hell.

Cheerios - You are either too healthy, too unhealthy, or too fat. This cereal tastes like crap in a bowl. The only reason to eat this cereal is for its minimal cholesterol benefits. I'd rather eat cardboard sprinkled with sugar and pour water over it.

Fruity Pebbbles/Froot Loops/Trix? Any "fruity cereal" - You've got a little flavor. I'd bet my 1901 two dollar bill that you dress to impress more often than not. This is the favorite of Metrosexuals/Bi-sexuals/Homosexuals...just sexual people. Its just a wild ass cereal. Eat it with caution.

Frosted Flakes - You are the most well-rounded person on this list. This cereal has it all - sugar, flakes (though I really don't know what a flake is, they look healthy), and the #1 hype man in the world, Tony the Tiger. However, something tells me that Kellogg's may consider changing his name to Tony the Lion.

Rice Krispies - You under the age of 7 or you are a closet homosexual. The cartoon characters "Snap, Crackle, and Pop" are proof of the previously mentioned statement. However, I am a fan of this cereal because Rice Krispy Treats are the sh%#

Lucky Charms - You have the mind of a wierd child. Eating this cereal makes me feel like that irritating sound of chalk being scraped the wrong way on a chalk board is happening inside of my mouth. Sorry to all of my Irish brethren, keep those yellow moons, orange stars, and green clovers to yourself because that damn leprechaun gives me the creeps.

Okay people, its a wrap. Please do not bombard me with the "What about this cereal or what about that cereal?"...Please, Yo ass has eaten one of the cereals listed above. I couldn't write about all of them! However, if you would like a detailed 1-page analysis of your favorite cereal, send a money order or cashier's check for $19.99 to my P.O. box.

Holla at ya' boy,

Kris The Critic