Welcome back earthlings,
Today's topic is sure to spark some controversy. Those of you who have enjoyed the Kris The Critic experience know that I do not just think "out of the box". The box doesn't even exist in my mind. For you "newbees", please realize that I have flaws just like everyone else. However, in the words of the late Tupac Shakur, "I just don't give a f#%@"...Have you ever been in that type of mood? Well, that's the mood I'm in now. Here's the disclaimer: THIS BLOG IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY, KEEP ALL OF YOUR RIGHTEOUS MUMBO JUMBO FAR AWAY FROM MY "COMMENTS" SECTION. This blog has some very practical uses. It may actually help rescue our drowning economy. In case you are can't read or don't have access to a television, America's balance sheet is ridiculously pathetic at best. Yours truly has an idea (albeit, uhhh...how shall I say this?...let's just say morally conflicted) that can solve a plethora of problems. Okay, you got me. I've been trying to work that word in a blog forever. If you don't know what it means get "off your duff" and look it up!...Here it is - drum roll please: THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA SHOULD LEGALIZE PROSTITUITON IN ALL 50 STATES!...by the way I don't count anything else we may own 'cause 51 just sounds stupid. Okay, back to today's subject. I will illustrate a few obvious societal benefits of prostitution.
The divorce rate would would come to a grinding halt if an unsatisfied spouse were able to seek "comfort" in a safe, controlled enviroment. Think about it before you say I'm going bananas. Here is an example - A husband or wife who's had it up to here could take off work early, visit a local brothel and still be home in time for dinner with the kids. Not only would this save the marriage, but it would also keep the family unit intact. I think we all agree there are too many single family homes, don't we? This simple excursion would also a be a better value than the finances associated with a mistress. I won't even bother to go into the headache involved when a mistress is scorned. This nightmare is eliminated all together with some good ole fashioned prostituition.
Our economy would thrive. I am far from an expert on our fiscal standing, but we are in a recession. So we can all conclude the state of financial affairs are far from ideal. I do believe we have some sort of multi-trillion dollar deficit. Hmmm...How the hell do you get that far in the hole anyway?...Instead of printing more money (which is why the economy is jacked up in the first place) with legal, safe, controlled prostitution I think we could knock off about a trillion bucks every-y-y-y-...oh, 2 years or so. Do you think I'm far off? Maybe you underestimate the amount of money spent on "adult entertainment". Imagine Uncle Sam getting 50% of every dollar spent an orgasm. If each orgasm if worth about $200 (pending services offered could be more or less), that's alot of loot. I think I've just solved the poor school situation as well.
The health benefits to this simple solution can't even be expressed in words. If a man or woman could get some grade A loving without risk of contracting some nasty STD we could elimate government spending in this area all together. At least the "frequently cheated on spouse" could have some peace of mind knowing that their love starved counterpart could at least visit a "safe ho" versus some random tramp. Again, I know this is not your normal everyday solution, but these are drastic times people. Drastic times call for drastic measures. It is my duty to tell you the truth according to Kris The Critic.
So, how do we all feel? Are you with me? I bet you guys have come up with some additional benefits of prostituion haven't you? Don't be shy. Share them with the world.
Kris The Critic
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Technology Sucks
Welcome Fans of Kris The Critic,
The time has come for this madness we call technology to stop. Okay, we all know that it will never stop, but maybe it could slow down a wee bit. Hmmm, that's not likely either. Better yet, it could simply become slightly less intrusive. Yeah, that's it. Do you feel me? Can a brother break it down?
Kris The Critic remembers a time not so long ago where if someone called me and I wasn't there, well...I wasn't there. That was it. They would wait a few hours and try to reach me again. This process would repeat until I answered the phone OR someone at my house picked up the phone OR they would just give up. Ahhh, life was so simple. You do see where this is going don't you? I didn't have to be bothered with a single solitary soul unless I damn well chose to. I am convinced that this is how life was intended to be. If you disagree, well...go screw yourself. I will attempt to illustrate to those of you with less gray matter than most why the following technological advancements have made human existence worse...And for those considered "players" (though I am retired) these items should avoided or used at a bare minimum. This is advice for my male AND female readers.
1) The beeper/pager - This was the SH@$...It was to telecommunications what space invaders was to video games - very archaic looking back, but ahead of its time when it was conceived (okay, so now you know I'm over 30...here's a cookie). These were initially designed for surgeons on call, but low and behold, it wasn't long before everyone had a beeper on their hip. And it wasn't long after that before some dope was getting chewed out because he didn't return the 15th emergency of the day fast enough. Especially if someone left the "911" code.
2) Call Waiting/3 way calling - Yes young people, this stuff didn't always exist. But it blows as much as the pager. Every guy or gal who has been secretly trapped on the line with 2 people (while one person stayed quiet) who found out you were trying to date both of them please raise your hand. Yup, I knew it. Who invented this anyway? It had to be some sort of asexual human devoid of any sexual feelings towards others.
3) Cell Phone - This really seemed like a great invention. Nope, try again. It was the precursor to GPS (which is a separate blog all together). How many of us have received or made 22 calls in a row because you knew they had that damn cell phone? I don't know who's worse - the crazy ass caller who made 22 calls...or the person who didn't just pick up and say "I'm busy dammit!". Either way, cell phones should be used for law enforcement purposes only.
4) Voice Mail - Do I really need am example for this one? I hated this when they had the little tiny cassette tapes (remember those?) ALL OF US have busted someone out or been busted out because of this technological "advancement"...Hell, this was definitely a set back. All of you cheaters be very careful. The next time you leave a steamy voicemail look out of your window to see if the white "cheaters" van is pulling into your driveway.
5) Email - This "advancement" is solely responsible for more breakups, firings, expulsions, etc. than any item on this list. Not only did some moron invent email, they invented the ability to cc and bcc. I hate this mutha#$&@^ with a passion. The next time I even think of sending an email, I'm going to smack myself and then use the telephone.
6) Facebook/MySpace/Twitter/"and any other dumb-ass addictive as crack social networking site" - I am sure as I type some poor sap's wife is throwing his sh$# out of the window because he hooked up with some ramdon chick who tracked him down on one of these so-called "networking" sites. These sites should be called "Ho-tracking" sites because their is alot of naughtiness going on with all these great friends you've lost touch with. If they were so great, why did you lose touch in the first damn place? The only thing that burns me up more is to know that all these geniuses that invented these sites are millionaires probably in their 30's. Damn, why didn't I invent one of these?
I hate technology. I would continue, but I'm about to throw my computer out of the window. I'm getting nervous just by typing.
Well people, were there any glaring omissions? thoughts?
Your Favorite Scribe,
Kris The Critic
The time has come for this madness we call technology to stop. Okay, we all know that it will never stop, but maybe it could slow down a wee bit. Hmmm, that's not likely either. Better yet, it could simply become slightly less intrusive. Yeah, that's it. Do you feel me? Can a brother break it down?
Kris The Critic remembers a time not so long ago where if someone called me and I wasn't there, well...I wasn't there. That was it. They would wait a few hours and try to reach me again. This process would repeat until I answered the phone OR someone at my house picked up the phone OR they would just give up. Ahhh, life was so simple. You do see where this is going don't you? I didn't have to be bothered with a single solitary soul unless I damn well chose to. I am convinced that this is how life was intended to be. If you disagree, well...go screw yourself. I will attempt to illustrate to those of you with less gray matter than most why the following technological advancements have made human existence worse...And for those considered "players" (though I am retired) these items should avoided or used at a bare minimum. This is advice for my male AND female readers.
1) The beeper/pager - This was the SH@$...It was to telecommunications what space invaders was to video games - very archaic looking back, but ahead of its time when it was conceived (okay, so now you know I'm over 30...here's a cookie). These were initially designed for surgeons on call, but low and behold, it wasn't long before everyone had a beeper on their hip. And it wasn't long after that before some dope was getting chewed out because he didn't return the 15th emergency of the day fast enough. Especially if someone left the "911" code.
2) Call Waiting/3 way calling - Yes young people, this stuff didn't always exist. But it blows as much as the pager. Every guy or gal who has been secretly trapped on the line with 2 people (while one person stayed quiet) who found out you were trying to date both of them please raise your hand. Yup, I knew it. Who invented this anyway? It had to be some sort of asexual human devoid of any sexual feelings towards others.
3) Cell Phone - This really seemed like a great invention. Nope, try again. It was the precursor to GPS (which is a separate blog all together). How many of us have received or made 22 calls in a row because you knew they had that damn cell phone? I don't know who's worse - the crazy ass caller who made 22 calls...or the person who didn't just pick up and say "I'm busy dammit!". Either way, cell phones should be used for law enforcement purposes only.
4) Voice Mail - Do I really need am example for this one? I hated this when they had the little tiny cassette tapes (remember those?) ALL OF US have busted someone out or been busted out because of this technological "advancement"...Hell, this was definitely a set back. All of you cheaters be very careful. The next time you leave a steamy voicemail look out of your window to see if the white "cheaters" van is pulling into your driveway.
5) Email - This "advancement" is solely responsible for more breakups, firings, expulsions, etc. than any item on this list. Not only did some moron invent email, they invented the ability to cc and bcc. I hate this mutha#$&@^ with a passion. The next time I even think of sending an email, I'm going to smack myself and then use the telephone.
6) Facebook/MySpace/Twitter/"and any other dumb-ass addictive as crack social networking site" - I am sure as I type some poor sap's wife is throwing his sh$# out of the window because he hooked up with some ramdon chick who tracked him down on one of these so-called "networking" sites. These sites should be called "Ho-tracking" sites because their is alot of naughtiness going on with all these great friends you've lost touch with. If they were so great, why did you lose touch in the first damn place? The only thing that burns me up more is to know that all these geniuses that invented these sites are millionaires probably in their 30's. Damn, why didn't I invent one of these?
I hate technology. I would continue, but I'm about to throw my computer out of the window. I'm getting nervous just by typing.
Well people, were there any glaring omissions? thoughts?
Your Favorite Scribe,
Kris The Critic
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Why You Are Not Married! - Part 2
Ladies...I promise to be gentle.
In addition to sometimes being a grade A a$$@*#*, Kris The Critic does have a heart. Don't get me wrong, there are enough women making bone head relationship decisions out there for me to write 50 blogs on this title alone. However, I am a servant to the people. Fortunately for you, I have made enough mistakes in life to fill up a phone book. So, in your quest for Holy matrimony, I implore you to remain undaunted. THE LONG ROAD TO THE ALTAR(...which is the name of a future blog AND my copy written movie idea- so no biting please) really isn't that far away, if that is what you seek. If not, keep reading...along with educating the masses, it will tickle a bit. Before we delve into the meat of this matter (and for the newbies to Kris The Critic), I'd like to remind everyone that there is a prerequisite for this course. It is called "Why You Are Not Married" - Part I, dated 11/18/2009 (covers problems #1 - #5) . So please do not bombard me with questions the teacher has already covered. Read it dammit! because no cliff notes exist. Let's continue...
#6 Problem: Why Buy The Cow When You Can Get The Milk For Free. Listen, I am not going to sit here and tell you to keep your legs closed until you get a ring (even though that's ideal), but most women are giving it up quicker than you can say Kris The Critic. Quick, somebody tell me the average time to "doin' the do?...What? 3 1/2 dates? 2 weeks? Am I lying? Solution: Men are simple creatures, but we ain't that simple. Make that man wait. I won't put a time timetable on the subject, but I will say this - "If every woman decided to keep the goodies to herself until she got a ring, there would be no need for this blog.
#7 Problem: Stop hanging out at loser establishments. Men know exactly where to go to find a "come up". I think some women mistake that same place for finding Mr. Right. Solution: The next time you go out, ask a few men what their occupation is. If you hear "Doctor this" or "Attorney that"...not a bad start. If you hear "Street Pharmaceutical Distributor" or "A lil bit of this and that" chances are your locale is an issue.
#8 Problem: Know what battles to fight. You finally get a good guy on the hook, but you mess it up because you argue too damn much. Solution: God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason. No man wants to hear what you will and won't put up with because of the last loser you dated. It wasn't his fault. Let it go. As a matter of fact, I told you we are simple creatures - Let us "think" we won the debate from time to time. We like that.
#9 Problem: You are selfish. I just want to rip my ears off every time I hear a woman say "She wants a man to compliment her because of...well, because of whatever long list of attributes she THINKS she has". Don't get me wrong a man SHOULD compliment you. Solution: Know that this thing called marriage is real work. The better attitude is focusing on what you have to offer "for the good both of you". Are you as focused on what you have to offer as you are on what he has to give?
#10 Problem: You aren't growing. Solution - Get your "weight" up. Hold the extra value meal please. I am not talking about your weight in pounds (by the way, 77% of ya'll could stand to lose a couple...I'm just saying). I am talking about life skills. Solution: Work on something, anything (actually, this is advice for both sexes). Learn to cook. Work on your faith. A man (just like a woman) wants someone who sees a similar path in front of them on this road we called life.
Any questions? Class is dismissed.
Kris The Critic
In addition to sometimes being a grade A a$$@*#*, Kris The Critic does have a heart. Don't get me wrong, there are enough women making bone head relationship decisions out there for me to write 50 blogs on this title alone. However, I am a servant to the people. Fortunately for you, I have made enough mistakes in life to fill up a phone book. So, in your quest for Holy matrimony, I implore you to remain undaunted. THE LONG ROAD TO THE ALTAR(...which is the name of a future blog AND my copy written movie idea- so no biting please) really isn't that far away, if that is what you seek. If not, keep reading...along with educating the masses, it will tickle a bit. Before we delve into the meat of this matter (and for the newbies to Kris The Critic), I'd like to remind everyone that there is a prerequisite for this course. It is called "Why You Are Not Married" - Part I, dated 11/18/2009 (covers problems #1 - #5) . So please do not bombard me with questions the teacher has already covered. Read it dammit! because no cliff notes exist. Let's continue...
#6 Problem: Why Buy The Cow When You Can Get The Milk For Free. Listen, I am not going to sit here and tell you to keep your legs closed until you get a ring (even though that's ideal), but most women are giving it up quicker than you can say Kris The Critic. Quick, somebody tell me the average time to "doin' the do?...What? 3 1/2 dates? 2 weeks? Am I lying? Solution: Men are simple creatures, but we ain't that simple. Make that man wait. I won't put a time timetable on the subject, but I will say this - "If every woman decided to keep the goodies to herself until she got a ring, there would be no need for this blog.
#7 Problem: Stop hanging out at loser establishments. Men know exactly where to go to find a "come up". I think some women mistake that same place for finding Mr. Right. Solution: The next time you go out, ask a few men what their occupation is. If you hear "Doctor this" or "Attorney that"...not a bad start. If you hear "Street Pharmaceutical Distributor" or "A lil bit of this and that" chances are your locale is an issue.
#8 Problem: Know what battles to fight. You finally get a good guy on the hook, but you mess it up because you argue too damn much. Solution: God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason. No man wants to hear what you will and won't put up with because of the last loser you dated. It wasn't his fault. Let it go. As a matter of fact, I told you we are simple creatures - Let us "think" we won the debate from time to time. We like that.
#9 Problem: You are selfish. I just want to rip my ears off every time I hear a woman say "She wants a man to compliment her because of...well, because of whatever long list of attributes she THINKS she has". Don't get me wrong a man SHOULD compliment you. Solution: Know that this thing called marriage is real work. The better attitude is focusing on what you have to offer "for the good both of you". Are you as focused on what you have to offer as you are on what he has to give?
#10 Problem: You aren't growing. Solution - Get your "weight" up. Hold the extra value meal please. I am not talking about your weight in pounds (by the way, 77% of ya'll could stand to lose a couple...I'm just saying). I am talking about life skills. Solution: Work on something, anything (actually, this is advice for both sexes). Learn to cook. Work on your faith. A man (just like a woman) wants someone who sees a similar path in front of them on this road we called life.
Any questions? Class is dismissed.
Kris The Critic
Friday, January 8, 2010
Now These Cats Were Cool...
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Let this be a peek into the past for all the young folks out there who, in the opinion of Kris The Critic, haven't a clue what real cool is. As a child of the 70's (no jokes please), I was a television junkie. These fictional characters were far more than entertainment. They were teachers of what's good, what's bad...and what defined cool. Television is now comprised of reality shows, news, HGTV and uhhh...more reality shows. Every character on every show is damn near a carbon copy of each other. Hmmm...Sounds, almost like the music industry... Don't you agree? (but I guess that's another blog) Well, you know that the duty of Kris The Critic is to serve the people. I am about to take a brief trip down memory lane to revisit some of the coolest cats that ever graced the land of televeision. If you have a kid named Pointdexter who's a nerd reject, take a visit to Blockbuster (hurry because they are all about to go out of business) and turn him into a stud. Here is a partial list of who your offspring needs to be introduced to. These are in no particular order....
#10 JAMES "J.J." EVANS, JR. (Good Times) - "Chello-o-o-o-"...Alright, people J.J. makes the list for being so optimistic though he lived in the ghetto....And the Critic cannot tell a lie. I thought the nickname Kid Dyn"o"mite!...was the sh$&
#9 BO AND LUKE DUKE (Dukes of Hazzard) - The good ole boys are the only country duo on the list. I'm not sure if I watched this show because of fine ass cousin Daisy...Super short shorts (Daisy Dukes) were named after her. Their car, The General Lee (though it did sport that confederate flag) was hot.
#8 MAGNUM P.I. (Magnum P.I.) - This might be my all time idol. This guy's job included a ferari and a mansion. The 2 doberman pinschers he owned, Apollo and Zeus also meant that he wasn't to be f#^$*# with.
#7 WILLIS JACKSON (Different Strokes) - Willis sported the tightest afro on television PERIOD. His girlfriend Charlene was played by the young Janet Jackson. If Todd Bridges wasn't such an idiot in real life, he'd be further up on the list.
#6 FREDDIE "BOOM-BOOM" WASHINGTON (Welcome Back Kotter) - "Hi There", Freddie co-led a high school gang called the Sweathogs. His nickname alone says cool. Who wouldn't want chicks calling them "Boom-Boom"? Let me try it..."Hi There, my name is (pause) Boom-Boom" Yeah, that works FOR REAL.
#5 GEORGE JEFFERSON (The Jeffersons) - George was the first brother on TV (hmmm, maybe the only one, to live in a delux apartment in the sky). He also gets Kudos for being the only African American to call a white person "Honky" on a regular basis and wasn't strung up on a tree for it. And he did this in the 70's people.
#4 VINCENT "VINNIE" BARBARINO (Welcome Back Kotter)- The man who introduced us to the saying "Up your nose with a rubber hose" could easily be tops on this list. This Italian American was leader of the Sweathogs (yes, the same Sweathogs with Freddie "Boom-Boom Washington). Welcome Back Kotter is the only show with 2 occupants on the list. Why was this show ever cancelled?
#3 MR. ROARKE (Fantasy Island) - Have we EVER seen Mr Roaorke sport anything other than a super fresh white suit. This cat granted fantasies on a tropical island. If that isn't the coolest job ever, then what is? He even had a little midget assistant (R.I.P. Tattoo)
#2) JACK TRIPPER (Three's Company) - I KNOW I am going to catch some flack on this one. There are some people who think Mr. Tripper was a goofy. HOWEVER, if you live with 2 hot babes you are cool period. Have we seen anyone else in the history of TV achieve this? I didn't think so.
#1 ARTHUR "THE FONZ" FONZARELLI (Happy Days) - "Aaaaaayyyyyy!" Hands down the Fonz was the coolest character EVER created for the small screen or the big screen. He made the white tee-shirt popular. He made everyone want a leather jacket and a motorcycle. And just by the snap of his finger, not one, but TWO chicks would come running. I am sure he is the first character on TV to have a menage a trois.
Ok people, that's a wrap. Again, these people wreaked of cool. If know a young man who can't get any girls, gets his butt kicked alot, or is just a wimp - introduce him to my friends above.
Oh, you're welcome.
Kris The Critic
Ooops...Kris The Critic almost made a major error. LIEUTENANT THEO KOJACK (Kojack) - Kojack should have been right up their with The Fonz. This Lollipop licking Greek-American cop was cooler than the other side of the pillow. He introduced us to the catchphrase "Who Loves Ya, Baby?"
Okay, the list is now complete.
Let this be a peek into the past for all the young folks out there who, in the opinion of Kris The Critic, haven't a clue what real cool is. As a child of the 70's (no jokes please), I was a television junkie. These fictional characters were far more than entertainment. They were teachers of what's good, what's bad...and what defined cool. Television is now comprised of reality shows, news, HGTV and uhhh...more reality shows. Every character on every show is damn near a carbon copy of each other. Hmmm...Sounds, almost like the music industry... Don't you agree? (but I guess that's another blog) Well, you know that the duty of Kris The Critic is to serve the people. I am about to take a brief trip down memory lane to revisit some of the coolest cats that ever graced the land of televeision. If you have a kid named Pointdexter who's a nerd reject, take a visit to Blockbuster (hurry because they are all about to go out of business) and turn him into a stud. Here is a partial list of who your offspring needs to be introduced to. These are in no particular order....
#10 JAMES "J.J." EVANS, JR. (Good Times) - "Chello-o-o-o-"...Alright, people J.J. makes the list for being so optimistic though he lived in the ghetto....And the Critic cannot tell a lie. I thought the nickname Kid Dyn"o"mite!...was the sh$&
#9 BO AND LUKE DUKE (Dukes of Hazzard) - The good ole boys are the only country duo on the list. I'm not sure if I watched this show because of fine ass cousin Daisy...Super short shorts (Daisy Dukes) were named after her. Their car, The General Lee (though it did sport that confederate flag) was hot.
#8 MAGNUM P.I. (Magnum P.I.) - This might be my all time idol. This guy's job included a ferari and a mansion. The 2 doberman pinschers he owned, Apollo and Zeus also meant that he wasn't to be f#^$*# with.
#7 WILLIS JACKSON (Different Strokes) - Willis sported the tightest afro on television PERIOD. His girlfriend Charlene was played by the young Janet Jackson. If Todd Bridges wasn't such an idiot in real life, he'd be further up on the list.
#6 FREDDIE "BOOM-BOOM" WASHINGTON (Welcome Back Kotter) - "Hi There", Freddie co-led a high school gang called the Sweathogs. His nickname alone says cool. Who wouldn't want chicks calling them "Boom-Boom"? Let me try it..."Hi There, my name is (pause) Boom-Boom" Yeah, that works FOR REAL.
#5 GEORGE JEFFERSON (The Jeffersons) - George was the first brother on TV (hmmm, maybe the only one, to live in a delux apartment in the sky). He also gets Kudos for being the only African American to call a white person "Honky" on a regular basis and wasn't strung up on a tree for it. And he did this in the 70's people.
#4 VINCENT "VINNIE" BARBARINO (Welcome Back Kotter)- The man who introduced us to the saying "Up your nose with a rubber hose" could easily be tops on this list. This Italian American was leader of the Sweathogs (yes, the same Sweathogs with Freddie "Boom-Boom Washington). Welcome Back Kotter is the only show with 2 occupants on the list. Why was this show ever cancelled?
#3 MR. ROARKE (Fantasy Island) - Have we EVER seen Mr Roaorke sport anything other than a super fresh white suit. This cat granted fantasies on a tropical island. If that isn't the coolest job ever, then what is? He even had a little midget assistant (R.I.P. Tattoo)
#2) JACK TRIPPER (Three's Company) - I KNOW I am going to catch some flack on this one. There are some people who think Mr. Tripper was a goofy. HOWEVER, if you live with 2 hot babes you are cool period. Have we seen anyone else in the history of TV achieve this? I didn't think so.
#1 ARTHUR "THE FONZ" FONZARELLI (Happy Days) - "Aaaaaayyyyyy!" Hands down the Fonz was the coolest character EVER created for the small screen or the big screen. He made the white tee-shirt popular. He made everyone want a leather jacket and a motorcycle. And just by the snap of his finger, not one, but TWO chicks would come running. I am sure he is the first character on TV to have a menage a trois.
Ok people, that's a wrap. Again, these people wreaked of cool. If know a young man who can't get any girls, gets his butt kicked alot, or is just a wimp - introduce him to my friends above.
Oh, you're welcome.
Kris The Critic
Ooops...Kris The Critic almost made a major error. LIEUTENANT THEO KOJACK (Kojack) - Kojack should have been right up their with The Fonz. This Lollipop licking Greek-American cop was cooler than the other side of the pillow. He introduced us to the catchphrase "Who Loves Ya, Baby?"
Okay, the list is now complete.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Which Breakfast Cereal Are You?
Welcome back readers,
The Critic of Random s#%@ has returned. However, the topic of breakfast cereals is not random at all. The best breakfast cereals have been as important a part of our everyday American lives as a hot cup of coffee. Okay, some of you "sophisticated" folks think a cold cereal blog is beneath you, huh?...Well, Raise up! That's right, Get to Steppin'! Take yo' ass to Starbucks.
Okay, now that we have "real" America in the place, I shall continue. First, I'd like to point out again that this is a Kris The Critic blog. This means that we won't even be discussing those super healthy cereals. You know the type. The ones that boast pouring milk directly over stuff like nuts, carrots and beets. This is strictly for cereals fortified with good ole fashioned sugar. As a matter of fact, you can tell alot about a person by the type of cereal he or she eats. No, this is a not an exact science, but its pur-r-r-rty damned close. Let's take a look.
Raisin Bran - You won't admit it, but you try to keep up with the Joneses. Sometimes, you are even considered phony or scared to think out of the box. Anyone who eats a cereal that pretends to be healthy when it has raisins dipped in so much sugar they shouldn't be called raisins anymore is not totally in touch with reality. Hey, but everybody eats Raisin Bran, right?
Cap'n Crunch - Ahhh...This is my personal favorite. Unfortunately, if it is yours, you are a certified nut as well. Hands down, this cereal consistently gets the worst nutritional score of any cereal marketed to families and kids. Anyone who knowlingly ingests this product is looking to raise hell.
Cheerios - You are either too healthy, too unhealthy, or too fat. This cereal tastes like crap in a bowl. The only reason to eat this cereal is for its minimal cholesterol benefits. I'd rather eat cardboard sprinkled with sugar and pour water over it.
Fruity Pebbbles/Froot Loops/Trix? Any "fruity cereal" - You've got a little flavor. I'd bet my 1901 two dollar bill that you dress to impress more often than not. This is the favorite of Metrosexuals/Bi-sexuals/Homosexuals...just sexual people. Its just a wild ass cereal. Eat it with caution.
Frosted Flakes - You are the most well-rounded person on this list. This cereal has it all - sugar, flakes (though I really don't know what a flake is, they look healthy), and the #1 hype man in the world, Tony the Tiger. However, something tells me that Kellogg's may consider changing his name to Tony the Lion.
Rice Krispies - You under the age of 7 or you are a closet homosexual. The cartoon characters "Snap, Crackle, and Pop" are proof of the previously mentioned statement. However, I am a fan of this cereal because Rice Krispy Treats are the sh%#
Lucky Charms - You have the mind of a wierd child. Eating this cereal makes me feel like that irritating sound of chalk being scraped the wrong way on a chalk board is happening inside of my mouth. Sorry to all of my Irish brethren, keep those yellow moons, orange stars, and green clovers to yourself because that damn leprechaun gives me the creeps.
Okay people, its a wrap. Please do not bombard me with the "What about this cereal or what about that cereal?"...Please, Yo ass has eaten one of the cereals listed above. I couldn't write about all of them! However, if you would like a detailed 1-page analysis of your favorite cereal, send a money order or cashier's check for $19.99 to my P.O. box.
Holla at ya' boy,
Kris The Critic
The Critic of Random s#%@ has returned. However, the topic of breakfast cereals is not random at all. The best breakfast cereals have been as important a part of our everyday American lives as a hot cup of coffee. Okay, some of you "sophisticated" folks think a cold cereal blog is beneath you, huh?...Well, Raise up! That's right, Get to Steppin'! Take yo' ass to Starbucks.
Okay, now that we have "real" America in the place, I shall continue. First, I'd like to point out again that this is a Kris The Critic blog. This means that we won't even be discussing those super healthy cereals. You know the type. The ones that boast pouring milk directly over stuff like nuts, carrots and beets. This is strictly for cereals fortified with good ole fashioned sugar. As a matter of fact, you can tell alot about a person by the type of cereal he or she eats. No, this is a not an exact science, but its pur-r-r-rty damned close. Let's take a look.
Raisin Bran - You won't admit it, but you try to keep up with the Joneses. Sometimes, you are even considered phony or scared to think out of the box. Anyone who eats a cereal that pretends to be healthy when it has raisins dipped in so much sugar they shouldn't be called raisins anymore is not totally in touch with reality. Hey, but everybody eats Raisin Bran, right?
Cap'n Crunch - Ahhh...This is my personal favorite. Unfortunately, if it is yours, you are a certified nut as well. Hands down, this cereal consistently gets the worst nutritional score of any cereal marketed to families and kids. Anyone who knowlingly ingests this product is looking to raise hell.
Cheerios - You are either too healthy, too unhealthy, or too fat. This cereal tastes like crap in a bowl. The only reason to eat this cereal is for its minimal cholesterol benefits. I'd rather eat cardboard sprinkled with sugar and pour water over it.
Fruity Pebbbles/Froot Loops/Trix? Any "fruity cereal" - You've got a little flavor. I'd bet my 1901 two dollar bill that you dress to impress more often than not. This is the favorite of Metrosexuals/Bi-sexuals/Homosexuals...just sexual people. Its just a wild ass cereal. Eat it with caution.
Frosted Flakes - You are the most well-rounded person on this list. This cereal has it all - sugar, flakes (though I really don't know what a flake is, they look healthy), and the #1 hype man in the world, Tony the Tiger. However, something tells me that Kellogg's may consider changing his name to Tony the Lion.
Rice Krispies - You under the age of 7 or you are a closet homosexual. The cartoon characters "Snap, Crackle, and Pop" are proof of the previously mentioned statement. However, I am a fan of this cereal because Rice Krispy Treats are the sh%#
Lucky Charms - You have the mind of a wierd child. Eating this cereal makes me feel like that irritating sound of chalk being scraped the wrong way on a chalk board is happening inside of my mouth. Sorry to all of my Irish brethren, keep those yellow moons, orange stars, and green clovers to yourself because that damn leprechaun gives me the creeps.
Okay people, its a wrap. Please do not bombard me with the "What about this cereal or what about that cereal?"...Please, Yo ass has eaten one of the cereals listed above. I couldn't write about all of them! However, if you would like a detailed 1-page analysis of your favorite cereal, send a money order or cashier's check for $19.99 to my P.O. box.
Holla at ya' boy,
Kris The Critic
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