How To Marry A Professional Athlete - The Business Plan

Hello friends,

Today's topic will either be seen as a tool for jumping up a few tax brackets or fodder beauty shop gossip. As always, I seek to entertain or educate. Today, KRIS THE CRITIC will do both. COMING UP 101 is today's course. You master this class and the rewards make an A+ seem like a Scratch N Sniff at best (hey, do they still make those? - Am I telling my age?...hmmm). So class, please take your seats. The Professor is about to speak.

To make it plain, this is about marrying a baller, period. So what if it makes you look like a gold digger. Gold Digging is not a crime in America. In fact, it's what this great nation was built upon. Ladies, don't get me wrong, the odds of landing one of these guys is like 1 in 135,000,000. But, you have a better shot at "the come up" than playing lottery....and please, don't sit there reading saying "I don't play lottery" - because you have. Sorry I digressed, back to class. Without further adieu, let's delve into the matter at land. Here's a few ideas from KRIS THE CRITIC that may help you catch a young millionaire.

#5 BECOME A SEASON TICKET HOLDER IN A NOT-SO-POPULAR TOWN

This one is simple, it's easier to meet one of these guys after a game in cities like Salt Lake City, Utah or Portland Oregon versus New York or Chicago, right? You can also check into the main hotels and run into one of these guys at breakfast. Which hotel? These towns usually only have 1 or 2 good ones to pick from, so there you go. Oh, if you don't follow sports closely - the guy you are looking for is black, 6'6" or above and very athletic looking.

#4 BEFRIEND A CELEBRITY OR SOMEONE IN THE BIZ

Face it, when is the last time you got invited to The NBA Players Association Party? Uhmmm, thought so. Ladies, you have got to be there to let him make his move. If your cousin's friend's little brother's baby's momma is third cousins to Shaunie O'neal or Kim Kardashian give her a call. That chick probably attends something special every now and then. At least start dating a referee or camera guy. These dudes are more accessible. Get into the party and start switchin (LMAO).

#3 BECOME A GROUPIE

Don't frown, groupie's get a bad wrap. I personally think it takes brains and hard work to be a groupie. I mean, these chicks are on the grind. They travel everywhere their target goes. They sometime sleep with doormen and limo drivers. They schmooze their way into events in ways unbeknown to me. Okay, maybe they don't have brains. However, I have checked out a few Real Housewives Shows (or girlfriends, jumpoffs, whatever) and obviously this has worked for a few women.

#2 BE SUPER FINE

I hear what you're thinking. Why do I need to be fine. I have a brains, a good job, degrees, etc...Here's why - Because fine women and rich men ALWAYS find each other...since the beginning of time. But I feel you. Everyone doesn't look like Halle Berry. Therefore, be the best you that you can be. Do things like - hit the gym, keep your weight down, keep the hair, nails, and wardrobe tight. You never know when you and your future baller will bump into each other at Target. And if all that fails and you are still butt ugly - hang with some pretty girlfriends. Let them hook n'em and you snatch 'em

and #1....BE A WHITE GIRL
Sistas! Do not start smashing up your computer screen. KRIS THE CRITIC gives advice to everyone from all walks of life. This last tidbit is for my Caucasians sisters who may not be clued in on something. Here it is - A lot of these country brothers will cut off a pinky toe for a white girl on his arm. Why? self hate maybe...Who knows. However, most of us can cite a plethora of real life examples. If you are a white girl, all you have to do is bat your eye at a baller player and he will marry you in one month (See the Khloe and Lamar Show for proof).

That's a wrap folks. What do you think? Will some of you hit the lottery soon? I hope so...and don't forget my wedding invite.

Have a wonderful life,

KRIS THE CRITIC