I'm Single....And The Holiday Season Makes Me Wanna Puke

Seasons Greetings,

We meet again earthlings. It's the most wonderful, wonderful time of the year. The Holidays are once again upon us people. I can feel the warmth of your karma on the keys of my laptop...smiling as you read this blog. Yup, there you are. "I see Karen, I see Josh, I see Marcie, I see see little Porsche" (Sorry, I felt so good, I just had a Romper Room flashback; and in the process, just dated myself for anyone who thought I was young, hot twenty something...hmmm). Okay, back to the time of year that we hold so dear in our hearts....Where were we? Do you have your favorite blanket over your lap and a nice hot cup of cocoa? Or are you sitting by the fire, gazing into the eyes of that special someone thinking "I am the luckiest person on the planet"? Is that a tear of joy I see making its way down your beaming face? (insert your thoughts here......)

I hear you out there - "HELL TO THE NO!" If you feel like most people really feel, this blog is for you. THIS BLOG IS FOR THE SINGLE PEOPLE WHO DESPISE THIS SEASON FOR ALL THE CRAP IT MAGNIFIES IN THEIR LIFE. My loyal followers, I feel you. KRIS THE CRITIC not only entertains and educates - he empathizes. This piece does not judge. It does not aim to right whats wrong, nor place blame. I don't care why you are single and lonely or how a time of year that used to makes you love life, now makes you contemplate random acts of violence against good, wholesome people. As a servant to the people, I will attempt to make you feel a little bit better about being solo at the moment. Below, we will examine a few situations to avoid, followed by alternative actions/solutions you may consider to make you feel good, even at the expense of others. - side note: All you holy rollers stop pointing fingers...sometimes it feels good to be naughty, you should try it. So, without further adieu, let's dissect this muthasucka:

Situation #5 - I HATE SEEING ALL THESE HAPPY SAPS SHOP WITH LOVED ONES, WHILE MY BROKE ASS IS TRYING TO BUY GIFTS I CAN'T AFFORD - FOR PEOPLE I'D RATHER NOT.
Solution - Get you hair and nails done (or your holiday fade), throw on your "Hollywood chic-I look like I have more money than I have" look and go to your favorite shopping destination. Now, look closely at all the seemingly happy couples and families. You will start to smile once see all the stress on their faces from overspending on the whining kids following them. You'll even feel better when you see their significant other peeping you, wishing he or she could make your acquaintance...See, single is not so bad.

Situation #4- I'M AT THE MALL, BUT CAN'T AFFORD THESE GIFTS.

Solution - Buy 2 gifts. One for whoever helped raised you and one for yourself. If they are deceased - great! One gift to buy for the one person who needs it most - You. Hell, let folks know the economy is bad and you can barely pay the rent...And their kids?...Ha! Kids get enough crap they don't deserve, nor need. Let their parents be the suckers. OR Invite them all over for a sleepover to watch Seinfeld re-runs as a gift. Kids are blind to true genius. WALLAH! Done. Who wins again? YOU.

Situation #3- I HATE GOING TO HOLIDAY OFFICE PARTIES ALONE.

Solution - See the dress code in Situation #5 and bring a super-hot date. If you don't have a platonic friend who has looks to make (insert your celebrity fantasy person here), then hire someone (oh don't be proud now, you've done worse...and that pride is probably while you are in this situation). YES, HIRE SOMEONE! Anyhoo...Get this person to help make you look better in the eyes of coworkers...AND, if they are charming as well, they can gather valuable secret work-intel...Wow, I think I see a promotion coming. Can you spell b-l-a-c-k-m-a-i-l?

Situation #2 - I FEEL SAD WHEN I TALK TO ALL MY FRIENDS WITH HUSBANDS OR BOYFRIENDS

Solution - This one is easy. Call a few of the aforementioned friends and ask about what wonderful plans the happy couple has for the holidays. If you call more than 3 friends, chances are that they will tell you that life in paradise ain't all its cracked up to be. As a matter of fact, by the time they finish crying about their triflin' ass mate - You will feel like a winner. Oh, and finish the conversation with something like this ..."Wow, I am so lucky to be single...I'm gonna pray for you"...LOL

Situation #1 - I HAVEN'T HAD ANY GOOD LOVING IN SO LONG, IT'S DOWNRIGHT PATHETIC.

Solution - Remember the hired help in Situation #3. Go ahead...add $200 at end the night right and have the best sex of your life. Hell, you deserve it. And the bonus, he or she won't ask for a gift or be there in the morning to get on your nerves.

And there you have it...Now, how do you feel? No thank you needed...Just spread the link to friends in need and show KRIS THE CRITIC a little love on facebook. Until next time, Embrace being single!

KRIS THE CRITIC