Why Husbands Can Be Such Jerks

Greetings from the mind of Kris The Critic,

I must be getting soft as a baby's tush to even consider writing a soft piece like this. Kris The Critic is a hardcore writer. I could have easily loaded my 38 spun the barrel and played a little Russian roulette, because this is suicide. Kris The Critic is actually caving in to the whims of my married female readers. However, I will gladly comply because they are ones who will eventually buy my book when it's released. Sorry fellas, but you guys only read gossip and sports headlines at most. Hell, most of y'all can't even read. Therefore, I am about to sell out. Instead of raving about the good deeds of my fraternity of married brethren, I am about to decipher why many wives, at times, consider their soul mates....uhhh...well...a-holes. Yep, I'm talking about every wife except mine. Right sweetheart? Because I'm perfect right? Honey? Did you hear me? Oh well...

I will attempt to explain why we sometimes can be perceived as such nefarious creatures. How? you ask...I did a random sampling of 497 married women from various walks of life. Though my sample size was not large (when you think about the number of married women in the world), the results were statistically significant. Why? Because I say so. Besides, anyone who interviews more than 500 women in a row will die instantly of EEB (Excessive Exposure to Blah-Blah-Blah...). There were various ages, races, religions, and backgrounds represented. However, these women shared a common thread in their lives. For centuries, they have wrestled with a similar conundrum in every language imaginable. "Why Husbands Can Be Such Jerks?" The following list represents the top complaints of married women.

1. Complaint - Why does my husband think after we argue like cats and dogs he can expect some good loving?

KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - Because a friggin' argument has NADA to do with a man's fundamental need to "get it in". It's in our DNA. That's like saying "Ok, I'm upset with you, so you can't eat". That's murder. Same with sex. Therefore, a man should be sentenced to death because he made you mad. I didn't think so. Wives, go find your wedding video, find your hubby, apologize and give him some.

2. Complaint - My husband is a procrastinator, I ask him to do or fix something and it takes him forever.

KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - This is simple misperception on your part. We are simply giving you time to make sure this is request is different from requests 1 through 4. You see, we realize that it a woman's prerogative to change her mind on a whim. Rather, than make you go through the headache of having us perform a different task, we simply wait until you feel absolute about the tasks ahead of us. See how considerate we are?

3. Complaint - My husband wants me to be submissive, but then wants me to do everything.

KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - That's what slaves are for! I just had to throw that in to see if you were paying attention. Seriously, we (men) are just simple creatures. We like to "think" we are in control. Figure out how and what you need done and make him "think" it was his idea. Sneaky, I know. But, he's not that bright and a little extra work wont hurt him. Whatever you need to get done, make him think its his idea.

4. Complaint - He wastes money, but questions my spending habits.

KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - Seriously, the needs of married men are a lot less than for a single man and just the opposite of a married woman. Our needs are pretty simple. Here is the complete list of things we are accused of wasting money on (all 497 women shared this response)...Beer and Food. So pardon us, when we see a $1000 purse, yes we do think we are entitled to a treat here and there. Give him plenty of beer, food and sex very often and he won't question much at all!

5. Complaint - My husband seems to be more patient with his buddies than me.

KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - That's not true at all. As most men know, their friends aren't the most complex creatures to begin with, so we treat each other accordingly. The reason we married men treat each other so well is because we are usually enjoying a nice frosty beverage while we hang with our buds. Solution, wives, always show up with food and beer. I guarantee you he will be most excited every time you enter the room.

So you see ladies, your husband is not being a jerk. He's just being....a man. Use these tips to your advantage. They will go a long way. Good Luck....Oh, don't worry about him reading this blog. It's too long for a guy to actually read.

Until next time,

KRIS THE CRITIC