I'm ba-a-a-a-a-a-ck,
I already know what you're thinking, "I could give a rats' ass what happens when the grim reaper comes for me". Hell, most of us will be glad that we can finally say "screw it" to all unpaid bills. However, if you are even mildly interested in your legacy, it would behoove you to spend just a little time to give some thought to a few logistics prior to that inevitable day. Ya'll get it yet? No? Let me try this another way...I am sure 100% of KRIS THE CRITIC readers will be in the VIP line for the Pearly Gates. However, there is a chance that some of us should pay a wee bit of attention to some of the skeletons that may be in our closets. Ahhh...Can you smell me now? (I love saying that).
Now everyone don't get your panties in a bunch. Relax. It's not that bad. Ok, maybe it is for about 5% of you little devils. Even KRIS THE CRITIC is powerless to make rapists and child molesters be looked upon as anything but scum until the end of time. Sorry losers. For the rest of us in the 95 percentile, there is some damage control we can do to protect how future generations will remember us. So, all of you liars, gossipers, philanderers and any other sinners (wow, I guess that's just about all of us, huh) - cop a squat and grab a pen and pad. Your favorite scribe is about to drop practical knowledge. Oh, for all my literarily challenged (I think that's a word) - A philanderer is a cheater. Not only do you get a great blog, but I even threw in a word for the day.
So, without further delay, here are a five things to do (in no particular order) so your friends and family don't cuss your name for eternity.
Get A Life Insurance Policy - Nothing pisses off a family more than when they have to take up a collection to bury a person who they could barely stand in the first place. I'm not saying you have to leave anybody rich, but at least try to pay for your own pine box.
Do Not Die On A Holiday or Loved One's Birthday - You don't want the kids to grow up hating Christmas do you? Barring a sudden death like a car accident, this can be accomplished. If you are terminally ill, just tell the family to keep you plugged up to a respirator until midnight of the next day.
Deal With Your Illegitimate Kids - Hey, shit happens right? But Jeez, 5 other people should not be falling on the casket screaming "I'mma miss my daddy!"
Tell Your Homies To Handle The Mistress - If the funeral is on Saturday, make sure the side-piece thinks it on a Sunday. There is no need for a fight to break out on such an occasion. Besides, it ruins the repast conversation after the funeral.
Remove The 1st Wife As A Beneficiary - How many times have we seen women "come up" on work or survivor benefits because this idiot didn't up update his records. This is a sure way to get any current girlfriend, caregiver, or everyone else remember you as a loser.
Kris The Critic is not a nice guy, but I'm fair. Heed my advice and maybe one day, future generations will smile when your name is mentioned. Otherwise, your name will will become "That no good mother------ ____________"!
Additions?
Until next time,
KRIS THE CRITIC
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
The Celebrity Write-Up - 1st Edition
Knock Knock - Who's There? - Ima - Ima who? -
IMA CELEBRITY SO I CAN DO WHAT THE F@#$ I WANNA DO!
Hello faithful followers,
KRIS THE CRITIC has finally given in to the pressure. I have wilted like a china rose in the Las Vegas desert sun. I am about to give it up quicker than a groupie gives it up to an NBA player. The world's most fearless writer is about to break a coveted oath made to himself when legend of KRIS THE CRITIC began. I am crossing a line that I promised I would never cross. May the Woman above forgive me for my actions, I know not what I do. I am about to...(I'm actually shedding a tear over here). I am about to...BLOG ABOUT CELEBRITIES.
Whew. I said it. Before I begin, let me wipe my eyes. Between typing, I'm cutting up some onions for my world famous Guacamole. (You guys didn't really think the scribe of steel would be shedding tears of sadness did you?). So, what's the big deal? The big deal is this "I HATE WRITING ABOUT CELEBRITIES BECAUSE EVERYONE DOES IT!" There is as much creativity in that as there is originality in hip-hop made after the year 2000. So, why am I doing it? Well, my faithful followers have been asking for it and your wish is my command.....NOT! The real reason is that Celebrities are straight TRIPPIN'. I thought I'd done some crazy S#^$ in my life(that's a blog for another day). The following folks by their actions have been BEGGING me to "get down" on them.
THERE ARE ABOUT 50 CELEBRITY F-UPS I NEED TO ADDRESS. HOWEVER, I CAN'T FOCUS LONG ENOUGH TO ADDRESS ALL OF THEM. I'LL ADDRESS ABOUT 5 DIMWITS PER CELEBRITY EDITION,
So, without delay, here is a partial list of Celebrities who are just plain goofy, as exhibited by some of their asanine antics.
Gilbert Arenas - alias Agent Zero now known as the founder of "Bring Your Gun To Work Day". He is just a f%$*#@% idiot. In the midst of a $111 million contract (yes, he's a nine figga n^@@& - this nut decides to bring a gun to work to settle a gambling debt with a teammate. Gilbert better pray that the good ole "moral clause" doesn't wipe out his fortune. Only in the NBA. Question - How can a dude named "Gilbert" think he's tough anyway?
Nikki Minaj - OK, I get it - you want to be the new Lil Kim. Granted, in the world of entertainment one must be eccentric, but I'm am just sick and tired of every new singer selling me porn in a song or video. I have a great bootleg video guy who can sell me the real thing when I'm in the mood. In her latest release with Usher "Lil Freak" - She boasts finding women at the club to have a menage a-trois with Usher Why didn't she just make her name Nicki 3some? Hmmmm...maybe I'm really a fan of Ms. Minaj,
Matthew Knowles aka "Matty Soprano"- Beyonce's Daddy is a wild dude. 1st, he pulls a mafia move and takes over Destiny's Child (hmmm...I'm surprised the ex-group members haven't had his ass popped yet - I know I would have) 2nd, he starts paying off radio stations NOT to play ex DC member Letoya Luckett's music. 3rd, he starts foolin' around with one of Beyonce's dancers...Now, at 58 years old he gets hit with an $8K a month child support suit. And folks, this is just what we know PUBLICLY, I'm sure there's a dead body or two laying around somewhere.
Tiger Woods Mistresses (ALL of them) - I hate to bring up the race card. BUT, everyone knows Tiger aka Cheetah wouldn't have had NEARLY as many problems if these lovers were African American women. They may have harrassed the hell out of him or had a couple of their girls thugged-out cousins pay him a visit. HOWEVER, they would not have screwed up any endorsement money. He could hired a friggin tribe of Atlanta's best strippers for the price he was payin' those dumb broads. TIGER, IF YOU ARE READING THIS PLEASE NOTE: SISTAS DO NOT LIKE MESSING UP THE MONEY STREAM.
The GOP (Grand Old Party aka Republicans) - KRIS THE CRITIC is not a politician. However, when you disrepect my boy Obama, I will get at you. This group of people seriously don't want all Americans to have access to quality health care. Why? the trillions of deficit the country is in? taxes? Well, I could give a rat's ass how much it cost. What's a few billion more if you're already down trillions? And taxes? Rich folks SHOULD be taxed more for getting rich in a system that constantly screws the poor. Warning: The next time Big O is speaking in session and one of you 105 year old farts interrupts him, I'm calling my Chi-town Englewood peeps to handle you.
Ok, people. It's a wrap. Who should be included in the next edition? Lil Wayne? Antoine Walker? Gabrielle Union?
Holla,
KRIS THE CRITIC
P.S.
I spared Tiger for now - I think I like Playa Tiger. He's now earned a new moniker....Instead of him a being a self described Cablinasian. He's now a Cablin-gg--
IMA CELEBRITY SO I CAN DO WHAT THE F@#$ I WANNA DO!
Hello faithful followers,
KRIS THE CRITIC has finally given in to the pressure. I have wilted like a china rose in the Las Vegas desert sun. I am about to give it up quicker than a groupie gives it up to an NBA player. The world's most fearless writer is about to break a coveted oath made to himself when legend of KRIS THE CRITIC began. I am crossing a line that I promised I would never cross. May the Woman above forgive me for my actions, I know not what I do. I am about to...(I'm actually shedding a tear over here). I am about to...BLOG ABOUT CELEBRITIES.
Whew. I said it. Before I begin, let me wipe my eyes. Between typing, I'm cutting up some onions for my world famous Guacamole. (You guys didn't really think the scribe of steel would be shedding tears of sadness did you?). So, what's the big deal? The big deal is this "I HATE WRITING ABOUT CELEBRITIES BECAUSE EVERYONE DOES IT!" There is as much creativity in that as there is originality in hip-hop made after the year 2000. So, why am I doing it? Well, my faithful followers have been asking for it and your wish is my command.....NOT! The real reason is that Celebrities are straight TRIPPIN'. I thought I'd done some crazy S#^$ in my life(that's a blog for another day). The following folks by their actions have been BEGGING me to "get down" on them.
THERE ARE ABOUT 50 CELEBRITY F-UPS I NEED TO ADDRESS. HOWEVER, I CAN'T FOCUS LONG ENOUGH TO ADDRESS ALL OF THEM. I'LL ADDRESS ABOUT 5 DIMWITS PER CELEBRITY EDITION,
So, without delay, here is a partial list of Celebrities who are just plain goofy, as exhibited by some of their asanine antics.
Gilbert Arenas - alias Agent Zero now known as the founder of "Bring Your Gun To Work Day". He is just a f%$*#@% idiot. In the midst of a $111 million contract (yes, he's a nine figga n^@@& - this nut decides to bring a gun to work to settle a gambling debt with a teammate. Gilbert better pray that the good ole "moral clause" doesn't wipe out his fortune. Only in the NBA. Question - How can a dude named "Gilbert" think he's tough anyway?
Nikki Minaj - OK, I get it - you want to be the new Lil Kim. Granted, in the world of entertainment one must be eccentric, but I'm am just sick and tired of every new singer selling me porn in a song or video. I have a great bootleg video guy who can sell me the real thing when I'm in the mood. In her latest release with Usher "Lil Freak" - She boasts finding women at the club to have a menage a-trois with Usher Why didn't she just make her name Nicki 3some? Hmmmm...maybe I'm really a fan of Ms. Minaj,
Matthew Knowles aka "Matty Soprano"- Beyonce's Daddy is a wild dude. 1st, he pulls a mafia move and takes over Destiny's Child (hmmm...I'm surprised the ex-group members haven't had his ass popped yet - I know I would have) 2nd, he starts paying off radio stations NOT to play ex DC member Letoya Luckett's music. 3rd, he starts foolin' around with one of Beyonce's dancers...Now, at 58 years old he gets hit with an $8K a month child support suit. And folks, this is just what we know PUBLICLY, I'm sure there's a dead body or two laying around somewhere.
Tiger Woods Mistresses (ALL of them) - I hate to bring up the race card. BUT, everyone knows Tiger aka Cheetah wouldn't have had NEARLY as many problems if these lovers were African American women. They may have harrassed the hell out of him or had a couple of their girls thugged-out cousins pay him a visit. HOWEVER, they would not have screwed up any endorsement money. He could hired a friggin tribe of Atlanta's best strippers for the price he was payin' those dumb broads. TIGER, IF YOU ARE READING THIS PLEASE NOTE: SISTAS DO NOT LIKE MESSING UP THE MONEY STREAM.
The GOP (Grand Old Party aka Republicans) - KRIS THE CRITIC is not a politician. However, when you disrepect my boy Obama, I will get at you. This group of people seriously don't want all Americans to have access to quality health care. Why? the trillions of deficit the country is in? taxes? Well, I could give a rat's ass how much it cost. What's a few billion more if you're already down trillions? And taxes? Rich folks SHOULD be taxed more for getting rich in a system that constantly screws the poor. Warning: The next time Big O is speaking in session and one of you 105 year old farts interrupts him, I'm calling my Chi-town Englewood peeps to handle you.
Ok, people. It's a wrap. Who should be included in the next edition? Lil Wayne? Antoine Walker? Gabrielle Union?
Holla,
KRIS THE CRITIC
P.S.
I spared Tiger for now - I think I like Playa Tiger. He's now earned a new moniker....Instead of him a being a self described Cablinasian. He's now a Cablin-gg--
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