Planning For Your Funeral

I'm ba-a-a-a-a-a-ck,

I already know what you're thinking, "I could give a rats' ass what happens when the grim reaper comes for me". Hell, most of us will be glad that we can finally say "screw it" to all unpaid bills. However, if you are even mildly interested in your legacy, it would behoove you to spend just a little time to give some thought to a few logistics prior to that inevitable day. Ya'll get it yet? No? Let me try this another way...I am sure 100% of KRIS THE CRITIC readers will be in the VIP line for the Pearly Gates. However, there is a chance that some of us should pay a wee bit of attention to some of the skeletons that may be in our closets. Ahhh...Can you smell me now? (I love saying that).

Now everyone don't get your panties in a bunch. Relax. It's not that bad. Ok, maybe it is for about 5% of you little devils. Even KRIS THE CRITIC is powerless to make rapists and child molesters be looked upon as anything but scum until the end of time. Sorry losers. For the rest of us in the 95 percentile, there is some damage control we can do to protect how future generations will remember us. So, all of you liars, gossipers, philanderers and any other sinners (wow, I guess that's just about all of us, huh) - cop a squat and grab a pen and pad. Your favorite scribe is about to drop practical knowledge. Oh, for all my literarily challenged (I think that's a word) - A philanderer is a cheater. Not only do you get a great blog, but I even threw in a word for the day.

So, without further delay, here are a five things to do (in no particular order) so your friends and family don't cuss your name for eternity.

Get A Life Insurance Policy - Nothing pisses off a family more than when they have to take up a collection to bury a person who they could barely stand in the first place. I'm not saying you have to leave anybody rich, but at least try to pay for your own pine box.

Do Not Die On A Holiday or Loved One's Birthday - You don't want the kids to grow up hating Christmas do you? Barring a sudden death like a car accident, this can be accomplished. If you are terminally ill, just tell the family to keep you plugged up to a respirator until midnight of the next day.

Deal With Your Illegitimate Kids - Hey, shit happens right? But Jeez, 5 other people should not be falling on the casket screaming "I'mma miss my daddy!"

Tell Your Homies To Handle The Mistress - If the funeral is on Saturday, make sure the side-piece thinks it on a Sunday. There is no need for a fight to break out on such an occasion. Besides, it ruins the repast conversation after the funeral.

Remove The 1st Wife As A Beneficiary - How many times have we seen women "come up" on work or survivor benefits because this idiot didn't up update his records. This is a sure way to get any current girlfriend, caregiver, or everyone else remember you as a loser.

Kris The Critic is not a nice guy, but I'm fair. Heed my advice and maybe one day, future generations will smile when your name is mentioned. Otherwise, your name will will become "That no good mother------ ____________"!

Additions?

Until next time,

KRIS THE CRITIC