The Celebrity Write-Up - 1st Edition

Knock Knock - Who's There? - Ima - Ima who? -

IMA CELEBRITY SO I CAN DO WHAT THE F@#$ I WANNA DO!

Hello faithful followers,

KRIS THE CRITIC has finally given in to the pressure. I have wilted like a china rose in the Las Vegas desert sun. I am about to give it up quicker than a groupie gives it up to an NBA player. The world's most fearless writer is about to break a coveted oath made to himself when legend of KRIS THE CRITIC began. I am crossing a line that I promised I would never cross. May the Woman above forgive me for my actions, I know not what I do. I am about to...(I'm actually shedding a tear over here). I am about to...BLOG ABOUT CELEBRITIES.

Whew. I said it. Before I begin, let me wipe my eyes. Between typing, I'm cutting up some onions for my world famous Guacamole. (You guys didn't really think the scribe of steel would be shedding tears of sadness did you?). So, what's the big deal? The big deal is this "I HATE WRITING ABOUT CELEBRITIES BECAUSE EVERYONE DOES IT!" There is as much creativity in that as there is originality in hip-hop made after the year 2000. So, why am I doing it? Well, my faithful followers have been asking for it and your wish is my command.....NOT! The real reason is that Celebrities are straight TRIPPIN'. I thought I'd done some crazy S#^$ in my life(that's a blog for another day). The following folks by their actions have been BEGGING me to "get down" on them.

THERE ARE ABOUT 50 CELEBRITY F-UPS I NEED TO ADDRESS. HOWEVER, I CAN'T FOCUS LONG ENOUGH TO ADDRESS ALL OF THEM. I'LL ADDRESS ABOUT 5 DIMWITS PER CELEBRITY EDITION,

So, without delay, here is a partial list of Celebrities who are just plain goofy, as exhibited by some of their asanine antics.

Gilbert Arenas - alias Agent Zero now known as the founder of "Bring Your Gun To Work Day". He is just a f%$*#@% idiot. In the midst of a $111 million contract (yes, he's a nine figga n^@@& - this nut decides to bring a gun to work to settle a gambling debt with a teammate. Gilbert better pray that the good ole "moral clause" doesn't wipe out his fortune. Only in the NBA. Question - How can a dude named "Gilbert" think he's tough anyway?

Nikki Minaj - OK, I get it - you want to be the new Lil Kim. Granted, in the world of entertainment one must be eccentric, but I'm am just sick and tired of every new singer selling me porn in a song or video. I have a great bootleg video guy who can sell me the real thing when I'm in the mood. In her latest release with Usher "Lil Freak" - She boasts finding women at the club to have a menage a-trois with Usher Why didn't she just make her name Nicki 3some? Hmmmm...maybe I'm really a fan of Ms. Minaj,

Matthew Knowles aka "Matty Soprano"- Beyonce's Daddy is a wild dude. 1st, he pulls a mafia move and takes over Destiny's Child (hmmm...I'm surprised the ex-group members haven't had his ass popped yet - I know I would have) 2nd, he starts paying off radio stations NOT to play ex DC member Letoya Luckett's music. 3rd, he starts foolin' around with one of Beyonce's dancers...Now, at 58 years old he gets hit with an $8K a month child support suit. And folks, this is just what we know PUBLICLY, I'm sure there's a dead body or two laying around somewhere.

Tiger Woods Mistresses (ALL of them) - I hate to bring up the race card. BUT, everyone knows Tiger aka Cheetah wouldn't have had NEARLY as many problems if these lovers were African American women. They may have harrassed the hell out of him or had a couple of their girls thugged-out cousins pay him a visit. HOWEVER, they would not have screwed up any endorsement money. He could hired a friggin tribe of Atlanta's best strippers for the price he was payin' those dumb broads. TIGER, IF YOU ARE READING THIS PLEASE NOTE: SISTAS DO NOT LIKE MESSING UP THE MONEY STREAM.

The GOP (Grand Old Party aka Republicans) - KRIS THE CRITIC is not a politician. However, when you disrepect my boy Obama, I will get at you. This group of people seriously don't want all Americans to have access to quality health care. Why? the trillions of deficit the country is in? taxes? Well, I could give a rat's ass how much it cost. What's a few billion more if you're already down trillions? And taxes? Rich folks SHOULD be taxed more for getting rich in a system that constantly screws the poor. Warning: The next time Big O is speaking in session and one of you 105 year old farts interrupts him, I'm calling my Chi-town Englewood peeps to handle you.

Ok, people. It's a wrap. Who should be included in the next edition? Lil Wayne? Antoine Walker? Gabrielle Union?

Holla,

KRIS THE CRITIC

P.S.

I spared Tiger for now - I think I like Playa Tiger. He's now earned a new moniker....Instead of him a being a self described Cablinasian. He's now a Cablin-gg--