Hello people,
Today's topic is dedicated to the no-good men of the world (hey, they need advice too - plus this is funny stuff). It centers around what seemingly seems to be a person of growing interest around the country, the Mistress. For all of us who tend to interpret the English language in a fashion that suits our particular desires, here is the Merriam-Webster definition of a mistress: A woman other than his wife with whom a man has a continual sexual relationship. Now, pending one's perspective she is either vilified or praised. Ladies, before you get your panties all up in a bunch, I am not condoning any shenanigans from my brethren. And fellas, don't get all giddy, I am not going to bequeath any of my past "Supreme Playa" knowledge on you either.
Kris the Critic is merely a servant to the people. It is my duty to write about the world around us. And right now, people....There is a lot of hanky panky going on. I'm not judging, I'm jus' sayin'...Mistresses are up 17.2% from last year. Ok, I made that up, but ya'll know it's way-y-y-y more sneaky freakin' goin' on than in years past. So, we'll go with the 17.2%. What's the big deal? It's causing problems. Folks are fighting, kids are cryin', losing money through divorce, even getting their wigs pushed back (that's street lingo for getting killed). Morality aside, there needs to be some sort of ROBERTS RULES OF HANDLING THE MISTRESS. Therefore, your favorite World Reporter has put together a list of 6 guidelines to quell any unpleasantries that may result from this forbidden union (mom, if you are reading this please note this is for entertainment purposes only). Back to all my cheaters, I mean readers. Here ya' go...
#6 Do not use your real name. Create sexy alias like "Denzel Pitt". This serves two purposes. a) It keeps her feeling like she's with a star when it's really just yo triflin ass and b) Yo don't want this psycho knowing your real name fool. (Hell, 75% of Mistresses are certified crazy - and that is a real statistic). If she gets your name, she'll eventually have your social security number and credit card information.
#5 Never ever, never ever, never ever use your home (or any relatives home) as the spot for your secret rendevous. This gentlemen, is future ammo for when she snaps...AND SHE WILL EVENTUALLY SNAP. You don't want the mistress to ever blab on and on about the way she likes how your wife decorated the house. Not good. This is a sure fire way to wake up with "Al Green - Hot" grits on your face.
#4) Refer to her as YOUR MISTRESS. These psycho broads somehow, everytime will begin to think they are more than a sidepiece. Kris The Critic is clueless as to why, but I HEAR IT HAPPENS (yes honey, that's what I heard from Tyrone an' nem). Calling her a mistress reminds her frequently that her purpose is relegated to your personal sexual happiness only.
#3) Become a life coach for your Mistress. This will win you a few friend points. This is of vital importance. The day will come when you are racking your brain to get rid of this friggin headache of a woman. Maybe when she goes ballistic, she'll at least show some mercy "because he was also my friend"
#2) Use a condom. DNA and disease are real. The first can get you life in prison if she she screams rape. The latter can take your life. So, just like your teacher's told you as a child - Play safe. Besides, you don't want her getting pregnant, do you? Mistresses are 30% more likely to get pregnant than your spouse. So, do not just give away another 20% of your paycheck away.
#1) Do not ever give your mistress money. I'm not saying be a tight-ass. You can buy meals, drinks, clothes, motel stays (all in cash of course), but never give her money directly. Listen, nothing says I care like a wad of money. And you do not want her to think you care. Secondly, the number 1 cause for divorce is finance. After you are caught (and you will eventually be caught), your wife can stomach you having a romp in the hay. She will not stomach yo dumb ass giving away the kids tuition money.
Ok boys, have at it. You are now armed with the tools you need to prolong f#$@ing up your marriage. But hey, at least you'll have some fun and keep some dignity doing it. I can't give out any more advice because then I'd have to charge you for it. That's why you only get 6 reasons. There are really 10 that exist.
So, am I insane? Did I leave out any vital piece of information?
Be safe,
KRIS THE CRITIC
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Why do I always come back for more like I don't know you're insane?
ReplyDeleteSo you are giving advice to the cheaters on how to handle the mistress?????!!!!! I am going to suggest to the “cheater” that he work whatever out with their wife or be a man and file for divorce for the following 6 very good reason
ReplyDelete6. Tiger Woods
5. Michael Jordan (1/2 of his fortune went to his wife. Now she is spending his money (buying him cars, jewelry, clothes, expensive vacations) on some young 28 year old stud muffin.
4. John Edwards (old ass with a 2 year will be paying child support for 18 years)
3. Jessie Jackson (old ass walking around with a ten year old paying dayum near 50K a month in child support).
2. Bobbit (Defined as a man whose wife cut their penis off for being a cheater). Do you want to be a BOBBIT???
1. Steve McNair (married man), who was shot and killed by his girlfriend on July 4. Don’t go to sleep ever!!
Kris, you are ridiculous for this one. Especially, the life coach thing. Are you serious?. There is a good thing you aren't one of these people. This was kind of hilarious. You go boy! I love my soror's response. You two can become a team. LOL
ReplyDeleteKris good advice if this is the way dudes want to go. Personally, I don't think it's worth it, but to each their own. One thing, here's my theory of why the Mistress thinks she worthy of a promotion after a while (and ends up going ballistic). Unless you are dealing with a woman who has a very dude-like (i.e. I'm in this for the sex/whatever I can get) mindset, then it's hard for some women to keep sleeping with someone and feel nothing for them. Especially, if you all have any type of good conversation, spend time together (outside of bed), etc. Unless it's just come through the door, bang, and leave, then you all are going to get into each others lives a little bit at least.
ReplyDeleteSo it becomes easier to believe that she is more than the chick on the side. Hell, nobody wants to believe they are the runner up even when that is the case.
Also, to Lujuana, very good reasons for staying faithful, but we all know when you're that rich (Woods, Jordan especially), what does half really mean to you? As Chris Rock said giving your ex-wife half of $50 Million dollars is one thing, half of your $50K annual salary is another. Most people can still make it off of $25 million just fine (e.g. you buy the 2009 full featured Lexis GS instead of 2010 or you buy 2 million dollar home instead of the 4 million dollar one, etc.), your lifestyle changes drastically if you are trying to make it off $25K.
I noticed that everyone complained about what MJ's ex-wife got except MJ. Dude is worth half a billion do you really think he cried many tears for the checks he wrote to Juanita? Hell no. Now he can chase as much @$$ as he wants to and still is worth 9 figures of money? Your Bobbit case is strong and probably the most compelling, even for a rich dude. No man wants to be rich and dick-less.