Don't Let Your Kids Blow Smoke Up Your Ass

Hello Faithful Followers,

This blog is dedicated to all parents who have those beings called teenagers. This piece is actually filled with useful information. But then again, all of my blogs are. I do realize that these beautiful creatures are angels in our eyes (take a moment to think about yours - ahhhhh). Know this - THEY ARE ALL FULL OF SHIT!. Yea, I said it. Unfortunately, Kris The Critic may move a couple notches down from your number 1 blogger spot. So, after you curse me, make sure to thank me. Now, don't start the hate mail yet because I called your kids turds. I actually have some myself. I bought them yesterday and at times, I want to return them as well. But we are stuck with them. Therefore, we must arm ourselves with knowledge. Even though most of us used to be teenagers, the game is changing at warp speed people. Parents need to know more than a few cool phrases like "That's sick" or "He's a beast" to really know what's going on. THIS IS A PEEK INTO THE SECRET LIVES OF TEENS: SEX and DRUGS.

I will admit, the following does not apply to ALL TEENS. There are exactly 62% of kids that the majority of this blog DOES NOT APPLY. However, the parents of the other 38% need to take your kids immediately to a priest, shrink, witch doctor or anyone with the ability to remove demons from one's soul. You people are the unproud parents of the bad apples. As a matter of fact, why don't you go grab a drink and take a moment to yourself before we continue, this may not be easy. I'll wait.........Ok, you there? Good. Remember, there is no reason to keel over just yet. These are teens. There is plenty of time to make positive changes during these formative years. But there is also time for your child to master the art of pole dancing. So, without further delay, let's examine some issues we may or may not already know. But know this, they need to be addressed.

Sex - I don't know if it's in the water or the tons of Flaming Hot chips these kids are eating, but they are taking this whole sex drive thing to new heights. About half of teens 15 to 19 admit to having sex. Over half admit to having oral sex. DAMN! Is sex ed being taught by Joe Francis and his Girls Gone Wild videos? The sad thing is that a lot of teens don't think this is a big deal. More kids than ever are even being caught performing sex acts at school. Straight, gay, bi...It's all in your local high school. Don't believe Kris The Critic...Here is a novel idea ask your teen. Hell, ask ANY teen. To solve this conundrum would take 400 years of research and cost $878 trillion dollars. So, I'll say this...When your teen starts to walk around like they are paying some bills with a stank attitude - THIS MAYBE A SIGN OF PREMATITAL SEX. SMACK THE CRAP out of them and say "You betta not bring no damn babies up in here, cause I ain't takin' care of them". Can I get an amen!

Drugs - Whoever didn't sip a lil cheap wine before the age of 21, raise your hand. Now, stop reading this and leave the room. You are a saint and do not need to be reading this filth as the Man above made you perfect. Back to the rest of us...Today's teen is neither from a drinking generation or a marijuana generation. They are a "whatever-i-can-get-my-hands-on" generation. Most teens are already dim witted. Couple their natural propensity to do dumb sh#$ with a far too frequent drug habit and you get record numbers of teens dropping out of school. Let's perform a litmus test. Ask your teen how easy is it to get weed or whatever at school. At least in our day, the dope man wandered the neighborhood. Now the dope man is sitting in Algebra!

Again, Kris The Critic is a servant to the people. Those of us blessed with children have to responsibility to keep our boys out of jail and our girls off of the stripper's pole. So the next time your teen even looks like they are about to get out of line, give 'em a nice old fashioned back hand (open fist of course). It worked for grandma.

Good Luck with your bad ass kids,

Kris The Critic