Valentines Day...Bah! Humbug!

Hello Friends,

Each year we hold a worldwide commemoration on February 14th to celebrate love and affection between intimate companions. Ahhh, so seemingly sweet considering all of the modern day madness we are forced to ingest on a regular basis. Right? Think about it - murders, starvation, natural disasters are becoming as common as celebrity sex tapes. Thus, it would seem ideal that at least on one occasion we have a day that will never be marred with any sort of negativity. Typically, KRIS THE CRITIC unleashes unparallelled advice on how to "get the most" out of a relationship. However, this blog is dedicated to the one whose love life is in complete shambles...So, if the thought of seeing couple hugged up in complete bliss makes you wanna set both of those lovey-dovey bastards on fire, THIS BLOG IS FOR YOU. THIS IS A VALENTINE'S DAY HATER BLOG.

To take a page out of the playbook of the world most famous Christmas Hater, Ebenezer Scrooge - Valentine's Day...Bah! Humbug! SIDE NOTE: If you are reading this and have never heard of Ebenezer Scrooge, STOP READING...DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200. Get your dumb butt online and look up Charles Dicken's 1843 novel, A Christmas Carol stat! KRIS THE CRITIC loves entertaining you, but I have to do my civic duty and educate my slow followers as well. Ok, back to the here and now. V-day haters, this is one writer's attempt to prevent some of you from committing suicide because of a past love lost. Here is my partial list of why Valentine's Day is for suckers....These are in no particular order -

#5 It cost too damn much - Face it. A card, dinner and a movie just ain't what it used to be. Hell, $5 + $40 ($60 if drinks are served) + $30 movie, popcorn and drinks...That's a $100!, I didn't even include gas. A C-note to show my love. Love shouldn't cost a thing, right?

#4 I really don't like this person. Unless you are still in the "new person-new relationship-still excited-feeling like a teenager thinking they are in love for the first time - part of the relationship" Then why pretend you are? The truth is, I bet this person has pissed you off enough that you'd rather be at the club speed dating...

#3 You didn't feel like having sex - (This is direct to the single ladies) Face it. That dude didn't put his Easter suit on, spend a grip on you, or look up all those bad jokes just for a hand shake at the end of the evening. Don't start mean-mugging the screen now. You were smiling when you ran up that dinner bill. Now keep smiling and hook the brother up.

#2 You might get caught out there Playa (This is directed to the single fellas) Let's cut ALL THE B.S. You know you are playing the field. Why risk taking one of your jump-offs out publicly? You could mess up all the progress on the women you told you were "single" if you are caught. If you are a Playa - Fake a bad cold for 2 days leading up and 1 day after Valentines Day..LOL (I know, I'm sick)

#1 You ain't got a man - You ain't got a woman Don't waste resources raising Hallmark stock by purchasing candy, cards, flowers etc for relatives and friends...Embrace being single. There are plenty of folks in your position. Use that cash and throw a V-Day Hater party.

Well, it's a wrap. I leave you with a poem from a good friend and official Consigliere of KRIS THE CRITIC...Enjoy -

Hearts and kisses and flowers galore, what the hell is all that shit for? / People get mushy and start acting queer, it's definitely the most annoying day of the year. / The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit because I think love is a huge crock of shit. / So here are my thoughts, what else can I say. Love bites my ass, fuck Valentines Day!!

Thoughts??? KRIS THE CRITIC