Seasons Greetings,
We meet again earthlings. It's the most wonderful, wonderful time of the year. The Holidays are once again upon us people. I can feel the warmth of your karma on the keys of my laptop...smiling as you read this blog. Yup, there you are. "I see Karen, I see Josh, I see Marcie, I see see little Porsche" (Sorry, I felt so good, I just had a Romper Room flashback; and in the process, just dated myself for anyone who thought I was young, hot twenty something...hmmm). Okay, back to the time of year that we hold so dear in our hearts....Where were we? Do you have your favorite blanket over your lap and a nice hot cup of cocoa? Or are you sitting by the fire, gazing into the eyes of that special someone thinking "I am the luckiest person on the planet"? Is that a tear of joy I see making its way down your beaming face? (insert your thoughts here......)
I hear you out there - "HELL TO THE NO!" If you feel like most people really feel, this blog is for you. THIS BLOG IS FOR THE SINGLE PEOPLE WHO DESPISE THIS SEASON FOR ALL THE CRAP IT MAGNIFIES IN THEIR LIFE. My loyal followers, I feel you. KRIS THE CRITIC not only entertains and educates - he empathizes. This piece does not judge. It does not aim to right whats wrong, nor place blame. I don't care why you are single and lonely or how a time of year that used to makes you love life, now makes you contemplate random acts of violence against good, wholesome people. As a servant to the people, I will attempt to make you feel a little bit better about being solo at the moment. Below, we will examine a few situations to avoid, followed by alternative actions/solutions you may consider to make you feel good, even at the expense of others. - side note: All you holy rollers stop pointing fingers...sometimes it feels good to be naughty, you should try it. So, without further adieu, let's dissect this muthasucka:
Situation #5 - I HATE SEEING ALL THESE HAPPY SAPS SHOP WITH LOVED ONES, WHILE MY BROKE ASS IS TRYING TO BUY GIFTS I CAN'T AFFORD - FOR PEOPLE I'D RATHER NOT.
Solution - Get you hair and nails done (or your holiday fade), throw on your "Hollywood chic-I look like I have more money than I have" look and go to your favorite shopping destination. Now, look closely at all the seemingly happy couples and families. You will start to smile once see all the stress on their faces from overspending on the whining kids following them. You'll even feel better when you see their significant other peeping you, wishing he or she could make your acquaintance...See, single is not so bad.
Situation #4- I'M AT THE MALL, BUT CAN'T AFFORD THESE GIFTS.
Solution - Buy 2 gifts. One for whoever helped raised you and one for yourself. If they are deceased - great! One gift to buy for the one person who needs it most - You. Hell, let folks know the economy is bad and you can barely pay the rent...And their kids?...Ha! Kids get enough crap they don't deserve, nor need. Let their parents be the suckers. OR Invite them all over for a sleepover to watch Seinfeld re-runs as a gift. Kids are blind to true genius. WALLAH! Done. Who wins again? YOU.
Situation #3- I HATE GOING TO HOLIDAY OFFICE PARTIES ALONE.
Solution - See the dress code in Situation #5 and bring a super-hot date. If you don't have a platonic friend who has looks to make (insert your celebrity fantasy person here), then hire someone (oh don't be proud now, you've done worse...and that pride is probably while you are in this situation). YES, HIRE SOMEONE! Anyhoo...Get this person to help make you look better in the eyes of coworkers...AND, if they are charming as well, they can gather valuable secret work-intel...Wow, I think I see a promotion coming. Can you spell b-l-a-c-k-m-a-i-l?
Situation #2 - I FEEL SAD WHEN I TALK TO ALL MY FRIENDS WITH HUSBANDS OR BOYFRIENDS
Solution - This one is easy. Call a few of the aforementioned friends and ask about what wonderful plans the happy couple has for the holidays. If you call more than 3 friends, chances are that they will tell you that life in paradise ain't all its cracked up to be. As a matter of fact, by the time they finish crying about their triflin' ass mate - You will feel like a winner. Oh, and finish the conversation with something like this ..."Wow, I am so lucky to be single...I'm gonna pray for you"...LOL
Situation #1 - I HAVEN'T HAD ANY GOOD LOVING IN SO LONG, IT'S DOWNRIGHT PATHETIC.
Solution - Remember the hired help in Situation #3. Go ahead...add $200 at end the night right and have the best sex of your life. Hell, you deserve it. And the bonus, he or she won't ask for a gift or be there in the morning to get on your nerves.
And there you have it...Now, how do you feel? No thank you needed...Just spread the link to friends in need and show KRIS THE CRITIC a little love on facebook. Until next time, Embrace being single!
KRIS THE CRITIC
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Saturday, April 30, 2011
How To Marry A Professional Athlete - The Business Plan
Hello friends,
Today's topic will either be seen as a tool for jumping up a few tax brackets or fodder beauty shop gossip. As always, I seek to entertain or educate. Today, KRIS THE CRITIC will do both. COMING UP 101 is today's course. You master this class and the rewards make an A+ seem like a Scratch N Sniff at best (hey, do they still make those? - Am I telling my age?...hmmm). So class, please take your seats. The Professor is about to speak.
To make it plain, this is about marrying a baller, period. So what if it makes you look like a gold digger. Gold Digging is not a crime in America. In fact, it's what this great nation was built upon. Ladies, don't get me wrong, the odds of landing one of these guys is like 1 in 135,000,000. But, you have a better shot at "the come up" than playing lottery....and please, don't sit there reading saying "I don't play lottery" - because you have. Sorry I digressed, back to class. Without further adieu, let's delve into the matter at land. Here's a few ideas from KRIS THE CRITIC that may help you catch a young millionaire.
#5 BECOME A SEASON TICKET HOLDER IN A NOT-SO-POPULAR TOWN
This one is simple, it's easier to meet one of these guys after a game in cities like Salt Lake City, Utah or Portland Oregon versus New York or Chicago, right? You can also check into the main hotels and run into one of these guys at breakfast. Which hotel? These towns usually only have 1 or 2 good ones to pick from, so there you go. Oh, if you don't follow sports closely - the guy you are looking for is black, 6'6" or above and very athletic looking.
#4 BEFRIEND A CELEBRITY OR SOMEONE IN THE BIZ
Face it, when is the last time you got invited to The NBA Players Association Party? Uhmmm, thought so. Ladies, you have got to be there to let him make his move. If your cousin's friend's little brother's baby's momma is third cousins to Shaunie O'neal or Kim Kardashian give her a call. That chick probably attends something special every now and then. At least start dating a referee or camera guy. These dudes are more accessible. Get into the party and start switchin (LMAO).
#3 BECOME A GROUPIE
Don't frown, groupie's get a bad wrap. I personally think it takes brains and hard work to be a groupie. I mean, these chicks are on the grind. They travel everywhere their target goes. They sometime sleep with doormen and limo drivers. They schmooze their way into events in ways unbeknown to me. Okay, maybe they don't have brains. However, I have checked out a few Real Housewives Shows (or girlfriends, jumpoffs, whatever) and obviously this has worked for a few women.
#2 BE SUPER FINE
I hear what you're thinking. Why do I need to be fine. I have a brains, a good job, degrees, etc...Here's why - Because fine women and rich men ALWAYS find each other...since the beginning of time. But I feel you. Everyone doesn't look like Halle Berry. Therefore, be the best you that you can be. Do things like - hit the gym, keep your weight down, keep the hair, nails, and wardrobe tight. You never know when you and your future baller will bump into each other at Target. And if all that fails and you are still butt ugly - hang with some pretty girlfriends. Let them hook n'em and you snatch 'em
and #1....BE A WHITE GIRL
Sistas! Do not start smashing up your computer screen. KRIS THE CRITIC gives advice to everyone from all walks of life. This last tidbit is for my Caucasians sisters who may not be clued in on something. Here it is - A lot of these country brothers will cut off a pinky toe for a white girl on his arm. Why? self hate maybe...Who knows. However, most of us can cite a plethora of real life examples. If you are a white girl, all you have to do is bat your eye at a baller player and he will marry you in one month (See the Khloe and Lamar Show for proof).
That's a wrap folks. What do you think? Will some of you hit the lottery soon? I hope so...and don't forget my wedding invite.
Have a wonderful life,
KRIS THE CRITIC
Today's topic will either be seen as a tool for jumping up a few tax brackets or fodder beauty shop gossip. As always, I seek to entertain or educate. Today, KRIS THE CRITIC will do both. COMING UP 101 is today's course. You master this class and the rewards make an A+ seem like a Scratch N Sniff at best (hey, do they still make those? - Am I telling my age?...hmmm). So class, please take your seats. The Professor is about to speak.
To make it plain, this is about marrying a baller, period. So what if it makes you look like a gold digger. Gold Digging is not a crime in America. In fact, it's what this great nation was built upon. Ladies, don't get me wrong, the odds of landing one of these guys is like 1 in 135,000,000. But, you have a better shot at "the come up" than playing lottery....and please, don't sit there reading saying "I don't play lottery" - because you have. Sorry I digressed, back to class. Without further adieu, let's delve into the matter at land. Here's a few ideas from KRIS THE CRITIC that may help you catch a young millionaire.
#5 BECOME A SEASON TICKET HOLDER IN A NOT-SO-POPULAR TOWN
This one is simple, it's easier to meet one of these guys after a game in cities like Salt Lake City, Utah or Portland Oregon versus New York or Chicago, right? You can also check into the main hotels and run into one of these guys at breakfast. Which hotel? These towns usually only have 1 or 2 good ones to pick from, so there you go. Oh, if you don't follow sports closely - the guy you are looking for is black, 6'6" or above and very athletic looking.
#4 BEFRIEND A CELEBRITY OR SOMEONE IN THE BIZ
Face it, when is the last time you got invited to The NBA Players Association Party? Uhmmm, thought so. Ladies, you have got to be there to let him make his move. If your cousin's friend's little brother's baby's momma is third cousins to Shaunie O'neal or Kim Kardashian give her a call. That chick probably attends something special every now and then. At least start dating a referee or camera guy. These dudes are more accessible. Get into the party and start switchin (LMAO).
#3 BECOME A GROUPIE
Don't frown, groupie's get a bad wrap. I personally think it takes brains and hard work to be a groupie. I mean, these chicks are on the grind. They travel everywhere their target goes. They sometime sleep with doormen and limo drivers. They schmooze their way into events in ways unbeknown to me. Okay, maybe they don't have brains. However, I have checked out a few Real Housewives Shows (or girlfriends, jumpoffs, whatever) and obviously this has worked for a few women.
#2 BE SUPER FINE
I hear what you're thinking. Why do I need to be fine. I have a brains, a good job, degrees, etc...Here's why - Because fine women and rich men ALWAYS find each other...since the beginning of time. But I feel you. Everyone doesn't look like Halle Berry. Therefore, be the best you that you can be. Do things like - hit the gym, keep your weight down, keep the hair, nails, and wardrobe tight. You never know when you and your future baller will bump into each other at Target. And if all that fails and you are still butt ugly - hang with some pretty girlfriends. Let them hook n'em and you snatch 'em
and #1....BE A WHITE GIRL
Sistas! Do not start smashing up your computer screen. KRIS THE CRITIC gives advice to everyone from all walks of life. This last tidbit is for my Caucasians sisters who may not be clued in on something. Here it is - A lot of these country brothers will cut off a pinky toe for a white girl on his arm. Why? self hate maybe...Who knows. However, most of us can cite a plethora of real life examples. If you are a white girl, all you have to do is bat your eye at a baller player and he will marry you in one month (See the Khloe and Lamar Show for proof).
That's a wrap folks. What do you think? Will some of you hit the lottery soon? I hope so...and don't forget my wedding invite.
Have a wonderful life,
KRIS THE CRITIC
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Valentines Day...Bah! Humbug!
Hello Friends,
Each year we hold a worldwide commemoration on February 14th to celebrate love and affection between intimate companions. Ahhh, so seemingly sweet considering all of the modern day madness we are forced to ingest on a regular basis. Right? Think about it - murders, starvation, natural disasters are becoming as common as celebrity sex tapes. Thus, it would seem ideal that at least on one occasion we have a day that will never be marred with any sort of negativity. Typically, KRIS THE CRITIC unleashes unparallelled advice on how to "get the most" out of a relationship. However, this blog is dedicated to the one whose love life is in complete shambles...So, if the thought of seeing couple hugged up in complete bliss makes you wanna set both of those lovey-dovey bastards on fire, THIS BLOG IS FOR YOU. THIS IS A VALENTINE'S DAY HATER BLOG.
To take a page out of the playbook of the world most famous Christmas Hater, Ebenezer Scrooge - Valentine's Day...Bah! Humbug! SIDE NOTE: If you are reading this and have never heard of Ebenezer Scrooge, STOP READING...DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200. Get your dumb butt online and look up Charles Dicken's 1843 novel, A Christmas Carol stat! KRIS THE CRITIC loves entertaining you, but I have to do my civic duty and educate my slow followers as well. Ok, back to the here and now. V-day haters, this is one writer's attempt to prevent some of you from committing suicide because of a past love lost. Here is my partial list of why Valentine's Day is for suckers....These are in no particular order -
#5 It cost too damn much - Face it. A card, dinner and a movie just ain't what it used to be. Hell, $5 + $40 ($60 if drinks are served) + $30 movie, popcorn and drinks...That's a $100!, I didn't even include gas. A C-note to show my love. Love shouldn't cost a thing, right?
#4 I really don't like this person. Unless you are still in the "new person-new relationship-still excited-feeling like a teenager thinking they are in love for the first time - part of the relationship" Then why pretend you are? The truth is, I bet this person has pissed you off enough that you'd rather be at the club speed dating...
#3 You didn't feel like having sex - (This is direct to the single ladies) Face it. That dude didn't put his Easter suit on, spend a grip on you, or look up all those bad jokes just for a hand shake at the end of the evening. Don't start mean-mugging the screen now. You were smiling when you ran up that dinner bill. Now keep smiling and hook the brother up.
#2 You might get caught out there Playa (This is directed to the single fellas) Let's cut ALL THE B.S. You know you are playing the field. Why risk taking one of your jump-offs out publicly? You could mess up all the progress on the women you told you were "single" if you are caught. If you are a Playa - Fake a bad cold for 2 days leading up and 1 day after Valentines Day..LOL (I know, I'm sick)
#1 You ain't got a man - You ain't got a woman Don't waste resources raising Hallmark stock by purchasing candy, cards, flowers etc for relatives and friends...Embrace being single. There are plenty of folks in your position. Use that cash and throw a V-Day Hater party.
Well, it's a wrap. I leave you with a poem from a good friend and official Consigliere of KRIS THE CRITIC...Enjoy -
Hearts and kisses and flowers galore, what the hell is all that shit for? / People get mushy and start acting queer, it's definitely the most annoying day of the year. / The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit because I think love is a huge crock of shit. / So here are my thoughts, what else can I say. Love bites my ass, fuck Valentines Day!!
Thoughts??? KRIS THE CRITIC
Each year we hold a worldwide commemoration on February 14th to celebrate love and affection between intimate companions. Ahhh, so seemingly sweet considering all of the modern day madness we are forced to ingest on a regular basis. Right? Think about it - murders, starvation, natural disasters are becoming as common as celebrity sex tapes. Thus, it would seem ideal that at least on one occasion we have a day that will never be marred with any sort of negativity. Typically, KRIS THE CRITIC unleashes unparallelled advice on how to "get the most" out of a relationship. However, this blog is dedicated to the one whose love life is in complete shambles...So, if the thought of seeing couple hugged up in complete bliss makes you wanna set both of those lovey-dovey bastards on fire, THIS BLOG IS FOR YOU. THIS IS A VALENTINE'S DAY HATER BLOG.
To take a page out of the playbook of the world most famous Christmas Hater, Ebenezer Scrooge - Valentine's Day...Bah! Humbug! SIDE NOTE: If you are reading this and have never heard of Ebenezer Scrooge, STOP READING...DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200. Get your dumb butt online and look up Charles Dicken's 1843 novel, A Christmas Carol stat! KRIS THE CRITIC loves entertaining you, but I have to do my civic duty and educate my slow followers as well. Ok, back to the here and now. V-day haters, this is one writer's attempt to prevent some of you from committing suicide because of a past love lost. Here is my partial list of why Valentine's Day is for suckers....These are in no particular order -
#5 It cost too damn much - Face it. A card, dinner and a movie just ain't what it used to be. Hell, $5 + $40 ($60 if drinks are served) + $30 movie, popcorn and drinks...That's a $100!, I didn't even include gas. A C-note to show my love. Love shouldn't cost a thing, right?
#4 I really don't like this person. Unless you are still in the "new person-new relationship-still excited-feeling like a teenager thinking they are in love for the first time - part of the relationship" Then why pretend you are? The truth is, I bet this person has pissed you off enough that you'd rather be at the club speed dating...
#3 You didn't feel like having sex - (This is direct to the single ladies) Face it. That dude didn't put his Easter suit on, spend a grip on you, or look up all those bad jokes just for a hand shake at the end of the evening. Don't start mean-mugging the screen now. You were smiling when you ran up that dinner bill. Now keep smiling and hook the brother up.
#2 You might get caught out there Playa (This is directed to the single fellas) Let's cut ALL THE B.S. You know you are playing the field. Why risk taking one of your jump-offs out publicly? You could mess up all the progress on the women you told you were "single" if you are caught. If you are a Playa - Fake a bad cold for 2 days leading up and 1 day after Valentines Day..LOL (I know, I'm sick)
#1 You ain't got a man - You ain't got a woman Don't waste resources raising Hallmark stock by purchasing candy, cards, flowers etc for relatives and friends...Embrace being single. There are plenty of folks in your position. Use that cash and throw a V-Day Hater party.
Well, it's a wrap. I leave you with a poem from a good friend and official Consigliere of KRIS THE CRITIC...Enjoy -
Hearts and kisses and flowers galore, what the hell is all that shit for? / People get mushy and start acting queer, it's definitely the most annoying day of the year. / The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit because I think love is a huge crock of shit. / So here are my thoughts, what else can I say. Love bites my ass, fuck Valentines Day!!
Thoughts??? KRIS THE CRITIC
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