Dearest Readers,
Here is my attempt to quell some of the hate that arises when one approaches the subject of interracial couples. Unfortunately, this may be the last blog of Kris The Critic. I am sure some bitter, angry, sharpshootin' sista is going to take my black ass out for the title alone on this one. Make no mistake, our society has made leaps and bounds when it comes to race relations. However, there are some folks (black and white) whose blood still boils when the thought of a chocolate brother chasing after a snow bunny crosses their mind. While we can study a myriad of racial and gender combinations, today's discussion focuses on THE BLACK MAN AND THE WHITE WOMAN...Why? Because in my opinion it evokes the most emotion from the widest variety of people. For whatever reason, this pisses everybody off the highest limits of pissivity (new Kris The Critic word...Learn it, dammit!)...black women, white men, black men, white women, mothers, fathers, grandparents, kids...everyone has a stance on this one. Let's check out a scenario that may sound familiar -
Woody, a young, handsome African American male from an average background rises above monumental obstacles and beats the odds and reaches the pennacle in his particular sport. Now, as a big time athlete, the young man has an Oprah-like salary, Mike-like endorsements, and a Beatles-like fan base. His face is everywhere and adorned by many. He donates millions to the less fortunate. Public service announcements are part of his personal creed. People from all walks look to him as a role model. The press even crowns Woody as The One ..As is said in the hood, "Dat N&%%# done made it". Woody soons learns that he can have any type of woman he wanted. Hell, Kris The Critic would have a friggin' smorgasbord of Honeys...You wouldn't be able to tell me Sh&#. I'd have a different chick for every day of the week...No, the month! Oops, Let me not digress. Let's get back to Woody...Woody chooses to marry Becky. Becky is a nice caucasion women who is drop dead gorgeous. All of a sudden, Woody is looked at slightly differently...Here are some typical comments -
Black Men - "I want a white woman too!...These black women just want my money"
White Men - "Now all black men are gonna try to take our good, white women"
White Women - "You know, I think I might get me one of those rich black athletes, I hear they are good in bed"
Black Women - "Another brother giving a chick extra points because she is white"
Am I lying people?
Kris The Critic is not going to bore you with historical facts or occurences that may have lead to these hard core stances. We all know about slavery, jim crow laws, bigotry, etc. These obviously add to our perceptions of what is right or wrong, good or bad as it pertains to race. By no means, does this blog intend to belittle the horrible injustices done in our country. Personally, I say "Live and Let Live". I am sick and tired of all this hating on other people's happiness. My grandmother wasn't lying when she said "misery loves company"...We should be happy for anyone who finds love no matter what race, color, or creed. Wasn't that what our forfathers fought for anyway? The right to make our own choices? Did they die in vain?
That is my position. However, I am not going to give you a true answer to the proverbial conundrum of interracial dating. It doesn't exist.
Instead, I pose a simple, yet real question - DOES IT MATTER WHAT RACE ONE DATES OR MARRIES?...WHY?...WHY NOT?
Kris The Critic
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Ghetto vs. Bourgeois
Welcome Back Critics,
Ever since I was a Baby Critic, there has seemed to be a rift between two groups - "Ghetto folks" and "Bourgeois folks". It's time to take a deep look into this situation. Is one group good and one group bad? Is one smart and one dumb? Is one rich and one poor? Believe it or not, Kris The Critic is on the fence on this one. I know what you're thinking...Anyone who blogs with such brilliance can't be on this fence...and definitely can't be ghetto. Hmmm, maybe you're right, maybe not. There are pros and cons to both. Don't believe me? Let's take a look at the following "real life" example of a young, handsome, well-dressed gentleman trying to gain the interest of an attractive young woman observed by yours truly at a recent event. Here we go. These are not actors.
Guy: 'Sup Shawty (slouched posture, looking the woman's body up and down)
Girl: Hello to you, and my name is not shorty (turning away with a slight roll of her eyes...as if in disgust)
Guy: My bad 'lil mama, my name is Le'quan aka Big L, whut dey call you? (with a look of sincerity)
Girl: Well Le'quan , my name is "Nunya" as in "None Of Your Business" and I'd really don't want to waste your time or mine, so let's end this conversation now (begins to walk away).
Guy: Man, it's like dat? A brother just wanted to know if maybe I could take you out to a nice place to eat and conversate a 'lil bit.
Girl: First of all, it's converse, not conversate. And secondly, you are so not my type (she walks away).
Ok people, let's debrief this short, but insightful exchange of pleasantries. The guy with the "ghetto" lingo definitely didn't help his case by not initially introducing himself to the young lady. He had an uphill battle from the start. He didn't have a snowball's chance in hell at getting a date. However, he had some positive qualities...He was honest, well-dressed, handsome, sincere in his attempt to take the woman out, and apologized for calling her "shawty". The woman who seemed like the victim of "another loser trying to holla" was actually in my opinion the loser. Why? She was rude in her responses and quick to point out the guys errors in his word usage. But more importantly, though two different types of people, she was not willing to even consider the young man's offerings or find out anything about him.
All too often, we "judge a book by its cover". Maybe it's just a f@#$*& up cover. Maybe the content of the book is what has been missing in our lives. Make no mistake people, Kris The Critic understands the important of being able to complete a sentence using standard English. But, would it have been too much work to ask a few clarifying questions versus the rush to dismissal? Such as, What do you do for a living? Is that how you typically approach young women? Too many times, the reason we can't find happiness is because we are too caught up in what we think is best for us. The truth is that one is not better than the other, just different. All I'm saying is that every now and then, maybe we should actually read just a few pages in the book.
Live and Learn
Kris The Critic
Ever since I was a Baby Critic, there has seemed to be a rift between two groups - "Ghetto folks" and "Bourgeois folks". It's time to take a deep look into this situation. Is one group good and one group bad? Is one smart and one dumb? Is one rich and one poor? Believe it or not, Kris The Critic is on the fence on this one. I know what you're thinking...Anyone who blogs with such brilliance can't be on this fence...and definitely can't be ghetto. Hmmm, maybe you're right, maybe not. There are pros and cons to both. Don't believe me? Let's take a look at the following "real life" example of a young, handsome, well-dressed gentleman trying to gain the interest of an attractive young woman observed by yours truly at a recent event. Here we go. These are not actors.
Guy: 'Sup Shawty (slouched posture, looking the woman's body up and down)
Girl: Hello to you, and my name is not shorty (turning away with a slight roll of her eyes...as if in disgust)
Guy: My bad 'lil mama, my name is Le'quan aka Big L, whut dey call you? (with a look of sincerity)
Girl: Well Le'quan , my name is "Nunya" as in "None Of Your Business" and I'd really don't want to waste your time or mine, so let's end this conversation now (begins to walk away).
Guy: Man, it's like dat? A brother just wanted to know if maybe I could take you out to a nice place to eat and conversate a 'lil bit.
Girl: First of all, it's converse, not conversate. And secondly, you are so not my type (she walks away).
Ok people, let's debrief this short, but insightful exchange of pleasantries. The guy with the "ghetto" lingo definitely didn't help his case by not initially introducing himself to the young lady. He had an uphill battle from the start. He didn't have a snowball's chance in hell at getting a date. However, he had some positive qualities...He was honest, well-dressed, handsome, sincere in his attempt to take the woman out, and apologized for calling her "shawty". The woman who seemed like the victim of "another loser trying to holla" was actually in my opinion the loser. Why? She was rude in her responses and quick to point out the guys errors in his word usage. But more importantly, though two different types of people, she was not willing to even consider the young man's offerings or find out anything about him.
All too often, we "judge a book by its cover". Maybe it's just a f@#$*& up cover. Maybe the content of the book is what has been missing in our lives. Make no mistake people, Kris The Critic understands the important of being able to complete a sentence using standard English. But, would it have been too much work to ask a few clarifying questions versus the rush to dismissal? Such as, What do you do for a living? Is that how you typically approach young women? Too many times, the reason we can't find happiness is because we are too caught up in what we think is best for us. The truth is that one is not better than the other, just different. All I'm saying is that every now and then, maybe we should actually read just a few pages in the book.
Live and Learn
Kris The Critic
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Here Are Your New Year's Resolutions
Happy "Whatever-it-is-you-celebrate-at-this-time-of-year"!,
The wise one is back to help you with your New Year's Resolutions. You should be pondering at least two things at the moment. First, isn't it still a little early to be putting together our resolutions for the next year. Secondly, Who in the Sam Hell does Kris The Critic think he is to just dole out resolutions on his readers' behalf. Well, my little Criterlings, this year was that damn stank. It sucked! and swallowed (can't believed I just typed that). It was only slightly better than the year slavery started. So, we need extra time to devise a comprehensive list. Furthermore, I'm the Critic dammit!...and, and, oh shut up and just listen. Here are your top ten resolutions (that you actually have a shot at sticking to) for the next year.
10. Gain 10 Pounds - That's right GAIN 10 pounds. It is down right asinine to try to lose weight when I know most of you didn't lose even a gram last year. By setting a 10 pound gain goal you can at least be a happier fat person. Losing weight is for losers.
9. Find A Rich Friend - Look, I'm not going to bore you with the standard "make a budget" crap. An extra $100 a month from not buying stuff you like will only remind you of how broke you are. You need cars, vacations, clothes and cash. Find a filthy rich friend. Rich folks are happy to treat their broke-ass friends.
8. Don't Die - Listen, their are million ways to die these days - Guns, Domestic Violence, STD's...So yes, a goal for this year should be to stay alive. I'm serious ya'll. Look at all the people who have died this year.
7. Learn To Tell A Lie - Listen people, this is the real world. I'm not saying become a world class con artist. However, is there anything wrong with telling your boss you love your new assignment when in reality it made you want to blow up the building? That little fib will have the whole company buzzing about your "ambitious" work style...and soon, Cha-Ching!
6. Donate Some of Your Rich Friend's Money To Charity - Hey, the act of giving to the less fortunate feeds one's soul. So what, if it's not your money.
5. Beat Your Kids - Hmmm, it seems like this makes a lot of lists. However, today's youth are some stark raving lunatics. "Whoopin dat ass" will help give these kids the discipline they need to succeed in the future.
4. Read A Book - Whoa!...You didn't think all of these were going to be a walk in the park, did you?. Live on the wild side. Learn a few new words. Trust me, it won't hurt.
3. Stop Being The Other Woman - This year, like most years was definitely the year of the cheating man. Kris The Critic knows that men will never change. So ladies, it's up to you. Don't be the Ho...become the ho-usewife.
2. Get Rid Of 3 Loser Friends - Look, do you want this next year to be like this one? Trust me? As soon as you kick these life-sucking parasites to the curb, you will realize a healthier, happier existence.
1. Pray - Know that your triflin' ass is bound for failure if you try to achieve new heights by your lonesome self. That's why you needed this list in the first place.
Ok, that's it...we still have time people, any re-writes needed?...You are welcome. Please send all holiday gifts to my P.O. Box
Kris The Critic
The wise one is back to help you with your New Year's Resolutions. You should be pondering at least two things at the moment. First, isn't it still a little early to be putting together our resolutions for the next year. Secondly, Who in the Sam Hell does Kris The Critic think he is to just dole out resolutions on his readers' behalf. Well, my little Criterlings, this year was that damn stank. It sucked! and swallowed (can't believed I just typed that). It was only slightly better than the year slavery started. So, we need extra time to devise a comprehensive list. Furthermore, I'm the Critic dammit!...and, and, oh shut up and just listen. Here are your top ten resolutions (that you actually have a shot at sticking to) for the next year.
10. Gain 10 Pounds - That's right GAIN 10 pounds. It is down right asinine to try to lose weight when I know most of you didn't lose even a gram last year. By setting a 10 pound gain goal you can at least be a happier fat person. Losing weight is for losers.
9. Find A Rich Friend - Look, I'm not going to bore you with the standard "make a budget" crap. An extra $100 a month from not buying stuff you like will only remind you of how broke you are. You need cars, vacations, clothes and cash. Find a filthy rich friend. Rich folks are happy to treat their broke-ass friends.
8. Don't Die - Listen, their are million ways to die these days - Guns, Domestic Violence, STD's...So yes, a goal for this year should be to stay alive. I'm serious ya'll. Look at all the people who have died this year.
7. Learn To Tell A Lie - Listen people, this is the real world. I'm not saying become a world class con artist. However, is there anything wrong with telling your boss you love your new assignment when in reality it made you want to blow up the building? That little fib will have the whole company buzzing about your "ambitious" work style...and soon, Cha-Ching!
6. Donate Some of Your Rich Friend's Money To Charity - Hey, the act of giving to the less fortunate feeds one's soul. So what, if it's not your money.
5. Beat Your Kids - Hmmm, it seems like this makes a lot of lists. However, today's youth are some stark raving lunatics. "Whoopin dat ass" will help give these kids the discipline they need to succeed in the future.
4. Read A Book - Whoa!...You didn't think all of these were going to be a walk in the park, did you?. Live on the wild side. Learn a few new words. Trust me, it won't hurt.
3. Stop Being The Other Woman - This year, like most years was definitely the year of the cheating man. Kris The Critic knows that men will never change. So ladies, it's up to you. Don't be the Ho...become the ho-usewife.
2. Get Rid Of 3 Loser Friends - Look, do you want this next year to be like this one? Trust me? As soon as you kick these life-sucking parasites to the curb, you will realize a healthier, happier existence.
1. Pray - Know that your triflin' ass is bound for failure if you try to achieve new heights by your lonesome self. That's why you needed this list in the first place.
Ok, that's it...we still have time people, any re-writes needed?...You are welcome. Please send all holiday gifts to my P.O. Box
Kris The Critic
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
It's My Birthday - Just Shoot Me Now
Seasons Greetings Humanoids,
Your favorite scribe has just celebrated another birthday. Thank-you, Thank-you...I can hear all of your well-wishes from here. During these uncertain times, we should all celebrate another year just walking atop Mother Earth...right? Well, when you are Kris The Critic the party expectations are at friggin' space shuttle level. And, as a servant to you, the people, I aim to please. During my time on the celestial body on which we live, I have not only lived up to, but exceeded expectations. Don't believe me? Go ahead, ask one of my buddies. No, don't do that, I don't want anyone to be an accessory to any laws broken, especially the moral ones (for the record, all of those women from years past were all legal). So, here's an example...On second thought, let's discuss that offline, ok? (shhh...my mom reads my blogs)...Hi mom!
But alas, I have come to a sobering realization...I AM GETTING OLD!...F^$&, S#^$*, MUTHA#%$&@. This ain't cool...Somebody pass me another drink. I am reading an article that says that your bodies' cells stop multiplying and dividing in your 20's and then...well, it's all down hill from there...Dammit! I should've stopped reading that article...DRINKING KILLS MORE CELLS!...Somebody take this drink!...Just stick a hot fork in my ass now because I am done...How old am I? I just made...nope...F-THAT!...I am about to live in denial...and YOU SHOULD TOO!...Unfortunately, Mother Nature and Father Time are the meanest Sons of Bitches in existence. Though, I am still a sexy beast (I am...check out my slightly photoshopped photo), I looked in the mirror and made some 3 sobering realizations. Here they are...in no particular order...BUT THEY SUCK ASS EQUALLY.
MY HAIR - WTF! I have heard of a receding hair line but this is just disappearing hair! Can it even be called a hair-LINE if its patchy? I'm feeling a little sad now. I think a tear just ran down my face. Do you know how many women I've gotten to second base with just because of my hair. Hopefully, my wife will be gentle when she tells me to let it go, before I look like a Peobo Bryson reject.
My Body - When did this happen? It seems like yesterday, I could eat a burrito as big as your head and remain as tight as a marine. Women used to even love my butt. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BUTT!. Everything that's suppose to be big is small, and everything that's suppose to be small is big. Excuse me, while I go outside and beat the crap out of some young handsome teenager. Fuckers!
My Mind - This brain used to be able to extract millions of pieces of data in mere nanoseconds. Calculus - simple. Physics - cake. My social calendar - 6 months out in advance ETCHED into my mind - BY THE HOUR. NOW, I can never seem to get everything my wife tells me to get on the grocery list. Great, early onset Alzheimer's.
Well people, writing this blog has made me hate myself. This is my last piece. I am going to shoot myself in my fat gut and then blow my demented mind to smithereens as soon as I'm done typing. With my luck, I probably won't even die. Hey Mother Nature and Father Time! BLOW ME. I'm going to have another drink.
Kris The Critic
P.S.
Since I'm about to die, maybe I should write my "bucket list"...Thoughts?
Your favorite scribe has just celebrated another birthday. Thank-you, Thank-you...I can hear all of your well-wishes from here. During these uncertain times, we should all celebrate another year just walking atop Mother Earth...right? Well, when you are Kris The Critic the party expectations are at friggin' space shuttle level. And, as a servant to you, the people, I aim to please. During my time on the celestial body on which we live, I have not only lived up to, but exceeded expectations. Don't believe me? Go ahead, ask one of my buddies. No, don't do that, I don't want anyone to be an accessory to any laws broken, especially the moral ones (for the record, all of those women from years past were all legal). So, here's an example...On second thought, let's discuss that offline, ok? (shhh...my mom reads my blogs)...Hi mom!
But alas, I have come to a sobering realization...I AM GETTING OLD!...F^$&, S#^$*, MUTHA#%$&@. This ain't cool...Somebody pass me another drink. I am reading an article that says that your bodies' cells stop multiplying and dividing in your 20's and then...well, it's all down hill from there...Dammit! I should've stopped reading that article...DRINKING KILLS MORE CELLS!...Somebody take this drink!...Just stick a hot fork in my ass now because I am done...How old am I? I just made...nope...F-THAT!...I am about to live in denial...and YOU SHOULD TOO!...Unfortunately, Mother Nature and Father Time are the meanest Sons of Bitches in existence. Though, I am still a sexy beast (I am...check out my slightly photoshopped photo), I looked in the mirror and made some 3 sobering realizations. Here they are...in no particular order...BUT THEY SUCK ASS EQUALLY.
MY HAIR - WTF! I have heard of a receding hair line but this is just disappearing hair! Can it even be called a hair-LINE if its patchy? I'm feeling a little sad now. I think a tear just ran down my face. Do you know how many women I've gotten to second base with just because of my hair. Hopefully, my wife will be gentle when she tells me to let it go, before I look like a Peobo Bryson reject.
My Body - When did this happen? It seems like yesterday, I could eat a burrito as big as your head and remain as tight as a marine. Women used to even love my butt. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BUTT!. Everything that's suppose to be big is small, and everything that's suppose to be small is big. Excuse me, while I go outside and beat the crap out of some young handsome teenager. Fuckers!
My Mind - This brain used to be able to extract millions of pieces of data in mere nanoseconds. Calculus - simple. Physics - cake. My social calendar - 6 months out in advance ETCHED into my mind - BY THE HOUR. NOW, I can never seem to get everything my wife tells me to get on the grocery list. Great, early onset Alzheimer's.
Well people, writing this blog has made me hate myself. This is my last piece. I am going to shoot myself in my fat gut and then blow my demented mind to smithereens as soon as I'm done typing. With my luck, I probably won't even die. Hey Mother Nature and Father Time! BLOW ME. I'm going to have another drink.
Kris The Critic
P.S.
Since I'm about to die, maybe I should write my "bucket list"...Thoughts?
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Hey Yo Fat Girl, C'mere Are Ya Ticklish
Greetings My Supersized Sisters and Brothers,
This piece is a friendly reminder for all of us to be mindful of healthy nutrition...Ok, that's bullshit. WE ARE TOO DAMN FAT PEOPLE!...Say it..."My NAME IS _____________ AND I AM TOO DAMN FAT"...Good. Admission is the first stage of recovery. Kris The Critic is a servant for the people. It is my duty to let you know that we Americans spend way too much time stuffing our friggin' pie-holes...And don't get all sensitive on me either. Hell, practically everyone is carrying a lil extra jelly around belly. C'mon...Let's all sit in a big fat circle and begin...No farting please...
How did we get like this?...One must always seek the source of a problem when searching for a solution (hmmmm...that's pretty damned profound - maybe I can apply this to....oh well, back to the fat, I mean matter at hand)...The answer is...drum roll please...WE EAT TOO MUCH. Okay, there are about 37 other reasons, but Kris The Critic will touch on a few culprits decimating our waistlines. You work on the following and I guarantee you will be parading around your naked new body in no time. THESE METHODS DON'T EVEN INVOLVE CHANGING YOUR DIET. But beware, these are extreme measures. Read further...if you dare.
#5) GET RID OF SOME TECHNOLOGY - This includes tv remote controls, ipods, and cell phones...Hello? Are you still there? Can you hear me now? Listen, desperate times call for desperate measures. Isn't that over worked heart of yours worth it? Think about how many thousands of calories you would have saved this year alone if you actually had to get your slothful tail up to change the television station, make a phone call, change a radio station...or heaven forbid, write a letter to someone versus an instant text message.
#4) SELL YOUR CAR - Wow, I know you weren't expecting to hear that one. Think about it for a second. If you had to actually to take a bus to every place you drove, you'd be back to runway model status in no time. Besides, you would grocery shop less, visit no fast-food drive-thru windows, and have no way to make it to the 3 holiday dinners you plan to attend...not to mention all the gas money you'd save from driving you and your blubber butt around.
3) HAVE SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE - Hey!...You decided to be with that tub-o-lard, not me. I also think there you decided to be with this person because at some point there were some redeeming qualities about them. Besides, fat people need lovin' too...When you add up spooning, foreplay, intercourse, and getting up to get some juice...THAT'S A WORKOUT...If you get up to screaming orgasms status on a regular basis, you both will be thin in no time.
#2) STOP DOING THE DRUGS - Medical science makes dealing with all these weight related illnesses too easy. I bet you a ham sandwich that if we stopped giving diabetics a pill and returned to that painful finger prick that would make at least a few people say no to that second helping of pie. Similarly, all these high cholesterol commercials make it seem like its normal to eat fatty foods until your blood is as thick as pancake syrup. After, a chest pain or two, a little diet and excercise wouldn't seem so bad.
#1) BEAT YOUR KIDS - Please don't call DCFS just yet. This is a win-win for you and your fat-ass kids. Think about it. You get a pretty good workout furnishing your offspring a well-deserved, old-school butt-"whoopin'"...And the kids? I guarantee you, if you whoop them 3 times a week for 15 minutes, you will drop inches in no time. Your kid will also drop the video game remote and ice cream to head outside and play (getting them some much needed exercise).
Again, desperate times call for desperate measures...Be Healthy!
Kris The Critic
This piece is a friendly reminder for all of us to be mindful of healthy nutrition...Ok, that's bullshit. WE ARE TOO DAMN FAT PEOPLE!...Say it..."My NAME IS _____________ AND I AM TOO DAMN FAT"...Good. Admission is the first stage of recovery. Kris The Critic is a servant for the people. It is my duty to let you know that we Americans spend way too much time stuffing our friggin' pie-holes...And don't get all sensitive on me either. Hell, practically everyone is carrying a lil extra jelly around belly. C'mon...Let's all sit in a big fat circle and begin...No farting please...
How did we get like this?...One must always seek the source of a problem when searching for a solution (hmmmm...that's pretty damned profound - maybe I can apply this to....oh well, back to the fat, I mean matter at hand)...The answer is...drum roll please...WE EAT TOO MUCH. Okay, there are about 37 other reasons, but Kris The Critic will touch on a few culprits decimating our waistlines. You work on the following and I guarantee you will be parading around your naked new body in no time. THESE METHODS DON'T EVEN INVOLVE CHANGING YOUR DIET. But beware, these are extreme measures. Read further...if you dare.
#5) GET RID OF SOME TECHNOLOGY - This includes tv remote controls, ipods, and cell phones...Hello? Are you still there? Can you hear me now? Listen, desperate times call for desperate measures. Isn't that over worked heart of yours worth it? Think about how many thousands of calories you would have saved this year alone if you actually had to get your slothful tail up to change the television station, make a phone call, change a radio station...or heaven forbid, write a letter to someone versus an instant text message.
#4) SELL YOUR CAR - Wow, I know you weren't expecting to hear that one. Think about it for a second. If you had to actually to take a bus to every place you drove, you'd be back to runway model status in no time. Besides, you would grocery shop less, visit no fast-food drive-thru windows, and have no way to make it to the 3 holiday dinners you plan to attend...not to mention all the gas money you'd save from driving you and your blubber butt around.
3) HAVE SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE - Hey!...You decided to be with that tub-o-lard, not me. I also think there you decided to be with this person because at some point there were some redeeming qualities about them. Besides, fat people need lovin' too...When you add up spooning, foreplay, intercourse, and getting up to get some juice...THAT'S A WORKOUT...If you get up to screaming orgasms status on a regular basis, you both will be thin in no time.
#2) STOP DOING THE DRUGS - Medical science makes dealing with all these weight related illnesses too easy. I bet you a ham sandwich that if we stopped giving diabetics a pill and returned to that painful finger prick that would make at least a few people say no to that second helping of pie. Similarly, all these high cholesterol commercials make it seem like its normal to eat fatty foods until your blood is as thick as pancake syrup. After, a chest pain or two, a little diet and excercise wouldn't seem so bad.
#1) BEAT YOUR KIDS - Please don't call DCFS just yet. This is a win-win for you and your fat-ass kids. Think about it. You get a pretty good workout furnishing your offspring a well-deserved, old-school butt-"whoopin'"...And the kids? I guarantee you, if you whoop them 3 times a week for 15 minutes, you will drop inches in no time. Your kid will also drop the video game remote and ice cream to head outside and play (getting them some much needed exercise).
Again, desperate times call for desperate measures...Be Healthy!
Kris The Critic
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Do All Men Cheat?
Welcome back critics,
At the risk of being publicly flogged by my fellow male brethren, I hesitate to write this blog. But, my duty is to the reader. I must brave the risk...Besides, I am not one of those soft, candy ass writers you see on TV...I wish somebody would try to whoop the critic over some words...I digress...Back to our topic. After a careful poll of over 125 million men in the U.S. over 21 (that's almost all of the men in the country)...98.2% +/- 1.8% cheat. Sorry Ladies. Thanks for reading...See you next week.
OK, you guys do realize this was a fictitious poll. However, my point is that almost everyone is a cheater. If someone tells you otherwise, you are just being stupid. Now, this would be irresponsible journalism if I did not elaborate on such a claim. So, do not run off and throw some hot grits on your spouse because of Kris The Critic...not just yet anyway. There are actually some wonderful catches out there. How can this be you ask?...because there are different types of cheaters...Let's check them out:
1) The One Time Charlie - This is the guy you want your daughter to marry because the last time he cheated was in 6Th grade...and I am not sure that getting a hard-on checking out little Mallory's already developed boobs even counts...but I am sure if he knew what to do with that erection, he would have (so I am counting it). One Time Charlie usually has a very stable career as well... Unfortunately for you ladies, he is by far the most boring man on the planet. Going out on a date with him is like watching paint dry.
2) Ugly Dudley - This is the guy who had the looks only his momma could love. He was frequently the butt of many jokes as an adolescent. However, Ugly Dudley is now rolling in dough. He is still a good guy at heart...but believe me, he is going to try to get as much ass as humanly possible for a while...because pretty women and money have followed each other since the beginning of time...Hell, wouldn't you? At some point, he will realize who really loves him and will settle down. Unfortunately, the kids will be ugly and this cycle will repeat itself.
3) Regular Joe - Joe is well...just Joe...He represents most of the male species. There isn't on extreme thing about him. Joe is a naturally good guy...but since he is a regular Joe, he's only had regular babes. Unfortunately, there comes a few times in a man's life where he is presented opportunity in the form of a woman way out of his league. Call it chance, dumb friggin luck or whatever...Joe is going to eat that shit up like the last supper. Fortunately, that usually doesn't last long and most Joes eventually get their shit together.
4) Mr Everything - It seems like this guy has always had it all...looks, charm, babes...whatever...Some are good guys...some aren't...Either way, most guys are envious of him. Why? This guy has a collection of panties that would make Victoria Secrets jealous. He spends the early part of his life with plenty of women. A steady girlfriend here or there doesn't stop the party...It just adds excitement. Fortunately, Mr Everything usually grows up to realize he does not have everything and starts acting like a decent human being...(Make sure he isn't guy #5)
5) S.C. Man - Serial Cheating Man is usually (but not always) born with a silver spoon up his conceited ass. This guy does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with whoever he wants...Even though he is a grade A asshole...this is the guy most women compete for and gossip about...go figure. Most S.C.'s almost always settle down before 30 just to have a bevy of beauties as jump-offs. He lives a charmed life that is all upside. Unfortunately, what goes up, must come down...The S.C.'s downfall usually comes in the form of public scandal, jail, or murder...
So ladies, there you go...plenty of fish in the sea. Good Man hunting...Thoughts?
Kris The Critic
At the risk of being publicly flogged by my fellow male brethren, I hesitate to write this blog. But, my duty is to the reader. I must brave the risk...Besides, I am not one of those soft, candy ass writers you see on TV...I wish somebody would try to whoop the critic over some words...I digress...Back to our topic. After a careful poll of over 125 million men in the U.S. over 21 (that's almost all of the men in the country)...98.2% +/- 1.8% cheat. Sorry Ladies. Thanks for reading...See you next week.
OK, you guys do realize this was a fictitious poll. However, my point is that almost everyone is a cheater. If someone tells you otherwise, you are just being stupid. Now, this would be irresponsible journalism if I did not elaborate on such a claim. So, do not run off and throw some hot grits on your spouse because of Kris The Critic...not just yet anyway. There are actually some wonderful catches out there. How can this be you ask?...because there are different types of cheaters...Let's check them out:
1) The One Time Charlie - This is the guy you want your daughter to marry because the last time he cheated was in 6Th grade...and I am not sure that getting a hard-on checking out little Mallory's already developed boobs even counts...but I am sure if he knew what to do with that erection, he would have (so I am counting it). One Time Charlie usually has a very stable career as well... Unfortunately for you ladies, he is by far the most boring man on the planet. Going out on a date with him is like watching paint dry.
2) Ugly Dudley - This is the guy who had the looks only his momma could love. He was frequently the butt of many jokes as an adolescent. However, Ugly Dudley is now rolling in dough. He is still a good guy at heart...but believe me, he is going to try to get as much ass as humanly possible for a while...because pretty women and money have followed each other since the beginning of time...Hell, wouldn't you? At some point, he will realize who really loves him and will settle down. Unfortunately, the kids will be ugly and this cycle will repeat itself.
3) Regular Joe - Joe is well...just Joe...He represents most of the male species. There isn't on extreme thing about him. Joe is a naturally good guy...but since he is a regular Joe, he's only had regular babes. Unfortunately, there comes a few times in a man's life where he is presented opportunity in the form of a woman way out of his league. Call it chance, dumb friggin luck or whatever...Joe is going to eat that shit up like the last supper. Fortunately, that usually doesn't last long and most Joes eventually get their shit together.
4) Mr Everything - It seems like this guy has always had it all...looks, charm, babes...whatever...Some are good guys...some aren't...Either way, most guys are envious of him. Why? This guy has a collection of panties that would make Victoria Secrets jealous. He spends the early part of his life with plenty of women. A steady girlfriend here or there doesn't stop the party...It just adds excitement. Fortunately, Mr Everything usually grows up to realize he does not have everything and starts acting like a decent human being...(Make sure he isn't guy #5)
5) S.C. Man - Serial Cheating Man is usually (but not always) born with a silver spoon up his conceited ass. This guy does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with whoever he wants...Even though he is a grade A asshole...this is the guy most women compete for and gossip about...go figure. Most S.C.'s almost always settle down before 30 just to have a bevy of beauties as jump-offs. He lives a charmed life that is all upside. Unfortunately, what goes up, must come down...The S.C.'s downfall usually comes in the form of public scandal, jail, or murder...
So ladies, there you go...plenty of fish in the sea. Good Man hunting...Thoughts?
Kris The Critic
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
The Total Package Score
Hello People,
Kris The Critic has been bombarded by requests to drop some more relationship knowledge onto his loyal followers. Though I believe constant ramblings regarding matters of the heart can make one as soft as baby poo-poo, I am here to serve the people. Therefore, your wish is my command. Cop a squat and get out your notebooks. School is in session. This information should be put in a very safe place like in the urn over the fireplace with grandpa's ashes. If a SUCCESSFUL, LONG-TERM REALATIONSHIP is what you seek, this tool is that friggin' important. I don't care WHO you are...male, female, gay, straight, bi...and any other wild shit you people are on. It is called the TOTAL PACKAGE SCORE. The TPC consists of 3 parts - Finance, Appeal, Value. It is a simple, but fail-safe point scoring system. Each category is worth 5 points. We'll cover this at the end of the lesson.
Finance - People, money (not cheating) is the number 1 cause for divorce. As this recession is showing us...Ain't nobody happy if we are broke. Now, this does not mean become a gold-digger (that's a bad thing...It quickly leads to Ho status). However, some money has to be coming in. THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS...Has this person made money in the past? been successful in the past? or has high potential to make money?...Example, A med school intern who might be not be rolling in dough now, but will be in a few years...Or a suucessful business man whose been laid off (they usually bounce back)...These type of people should be given special consideration. Now, if you are with a broke wanna-be tycoon with bad credit who is over 30 and still is working on that master plan...Hmmm...well, that's not a good thing. Screw that...Run Muth#$#@# Run!
Appeal - This includes, but is not limited to the following: Looks, Hygiene, Dress, Sex Appeal, etc...These things get the short end of the stick sometimes in relationship conversations. Though one day all of us will be old and ugly..(I meant to say slightly less attractive), "Appeal" is of equal importance. If you hear of someone saying otherwise, tell them to see Kris The Critic. Fellas, if you fancy a women with a pretty face, little waist, and one of those cute onion shaped behinds...it is important. Ladies, if you desire a man who is tall, dark, handsome, well dressed, with a big...uh...golden staff...it is important. Here are some things that are negatives for everyone...if you come close tossing your cookies at the thought of kissing them, if they have butter-colored teeth...if they smell...and for all of you premarital sex sinners, if their bedroom game sucks, so will this relationship.
Value - Do no sell value short. This can best be described as one's belief system. This doesn't have to match 100%...that's wierd and phony if it ever does...BUT, IT HAS TO BE ONE THE SAME PAGE. If you believe in God and your mate has a " Satan Lives" tattoo...that's a hint that something is amiss...If you value education,and she rarely takes part in her other kids school affairs, that's not the chick to get pregnant. How many times have we heard of that perfect couple...they move in together and discover there are about 23 things or habits they hate about each other. Kris The Critic actually knew a woman who sometimes left the toilet unflushed...EWWWWW! These people, are called deal breakers. Know what yours are.
Scoring is simple...
12 and above...Marry them and skip the pre-nup. It will last....Guaranteed.
9-11...This is a relationship that can work with good communication and effort on both sides...
8 or less...Change your number. If they track you down...GET A RESTRAINING ORDER!
I'd like a wedding invite...This advice was your present.
Kris The Critic
Kris The Critic has been bombarded by requests to drop some more relationship knowledge onto his loyal followers. Though I believe constant ramblings regarding matters of the heart can make one as soft as baby poo-poo, I am here to serve the people. Therefore, your wish is my command. Cop a squat and get out your notebooks. School is in session. This information should be put in a very safe place like in the urn over the fireplace with grandpa's ashes. If a SUCCESSFUL, LONG-TERM REALATIONSHIP is what you seek, this tool is that friggin' important. I don't care WHO you are...male, female, gay, straight, bi...and any other wild shit you people are on. It is called the TOTAL PACKAGE SCORE. The TPC consists of 3 parts - Finance, Appeal, Value. It is a simple, but fail-safe point scoring system. Each category is worth 5 points. We'll cover this at the end of the lesson.
Finance - People, money (not cheating) is the number 1 cause for divorce. As this recession is showing us...Ain't nobody happy if we are broke. Now, this does not mean become a gold-digger (that's a bad thing...It quickly leads to Ho status). However, some money has to be coming in. THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS...Has this person made money in the past? been successful in the past? or has high potential to make money?...Example, A med school intern who might be not be rolling in dough now, but will be in a few years...Or a suucessful business man whose been laid off (they usually bounce back)...These type of people should be given special consideration. Now, if you are with a broke wanna-be tycoon with bad credit who is over 30 and still is working on that master plan...Hmmm...well, that's not a good thing. Screw that...Run Muth#$#@# Run!
Appeal - This includes, but is not limited to the following: Looks, Hygiene, Dress, Sex Appeal, etc...These things get the short end of the stick sometimes in relationship conversations. Though one day all of us will be old and ugly..(I meant to say slightly less attractive), "Appeal" is of equal importance. If you hear of someone saying otherwise, tell them to see Kris The Critic. Fellas, if you fancy a women with a pretty face, little waist, and one of those cute onion shaped behinds...it is important. Ladies, if you desire a man who is tall, dark, handsome, well dressed, with a big...uh...golden staff...it is important. Here are some things that are negatives for everyone...if you come close tossing your cookies at the thought of kissing them, if they have butter-colored teeth...if they smell...and for all of you premarital sex sinners, if their bedroom game sucks, so will this relationship.
Value - Do no sell value short. This can best be described as one's belief system. This doesn't have to match 100%...that's wierd and phony if it ever does...BUT, IT HAS TO BE ONE THE SAME PAGE. If you believe in God and your mate has a " Satan Lives" tattoo...that's a hint that something is amiss...If you value education,and she rarely takes part in her other kids school affairs, that's not the chick to get pregnant. How many times have we heard of that perfect couple...they move in together and discover there are about 23 things or habits they hate about each other. Kris The Critic actually knew a woman who sometimes left the toilet unflushed...EWWWWW! These people, are called deal breakers. Know what yours are.
Scoring is simple...
12 and above...Marry them and skip the pre-nup. It will last....Guaranteed.
9-11...This is a relationship that can work with good communication and effort on both sides...
8 or less...Change your number. If they track you down...GET A RESTRAINING ORDER!
I'd like a wedding invite...This advice was your present.
Kris The Critic
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