It's My Birthday - Just Shoot Me Now

Seasons Greetings Humanoids,

Your favorite scribe has just celebrated another birthday. Thank-you, Thank-you...I can hear all of your well-wishes from here. During these uncertain times, we should all celebrate another year just walking atop Mother Earth...right? Well, when you are Kris The Critic the party expectations are at friggin' space shuttle level. And, as a servant to you, the people, I aim to please. During my time on the celestial body on which we live, I have not only lived up to, but exceeded expectations. Don't believe me? Go ahead, ask one of my buddies. No, don't do that, I don't want anyone to be an accessory to any laws broken, especially the moral ones (for the record, all of those women from years past were all legal). So, here's an example...On second thought, let's discuss that offline, ok? (shhh...my mom reads my blogs)...Hi mom!

But alas, I have come to a sobering realization...I AM GETTING OLD!...F^$&, S#^$*, MUTHA#%$&@. This ain't cool...Somebody pass me another drink. I am reading an article that says that your bodies' cells stop multiplying and dividing in your 20's and then...well, it's all down hill from there...Dammit! I should've stopped reading that article...DRINKING KILLS MORE CELLS!...Somebody take this drink!...Just stick a hot fork in my ass now because I am done...How old am I? I just made...nope...F-THAT!...I am about to live in denial...and YOU SHOULD TOO!...Unfortunately, Mother Nature and Father Time are the meanest Sons of Bitches in existence. Though, I am still a sexy beast (I am...check out my slightly photoshopped photo), I looked in the mirror and made some 3 sobering realizations. Here they are...in no particular order...BUT THEY SUCK ASS EQUALLY.

MY HAIR - WTF! I have heard of a receding hair line but this is just disappearing hair! Can it even be called a hair-LINE if its patchy? I'm feeling a little sad now. I think a tear just ran down my face. Do you know how many women I've gotten to second base with just because of my hair. Hopefully, my wife will be gentle when she tells me to let it go, before I look like a Peobo Bryson reject.

My Body - When did this happen? It seems like yesterday, I could eat a burrito as big as your head and remain as tight as a marine. Women used to even love my butt. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BUTT!. Everything that's suppose to be big is small, and everything that's suppose to be small is big. Excuse me, while I go outside and beat the crap out of some young handsome teenager. Fuckers!

My Mind - This brain used to be able to extract millions of pieces of data in mere nanoseconds. Calculus - simple. Physics - cake. My social calendar - 6 months out in advance ETCHED into my mind - BY THE HOUR. NOW, I can never seem to get everything my wife tells me to get on the grocery list. Great, early onset Alzheimer's.

Well people, writing this blog has made me hate myself. This is my last piece. I am going to shoot myself in my fat gut and then blow my demented mind to smithereens as soon as I'm done typing. With my luck, I probably won't even die. Hey Mother Nature and Father Time! BLOW ME. I'm going to have another drink.

Kris The Critic

P.S.

Since I'm about to die, maybe I should write my "bucket list"...Thoughts?