Hey Yo Fat Girl, C'mere Are Ya Ticklish

Greetings My Supersized Sisters and Brothers,

This piece is a friendly reminder for all of us to be mindful of healthy nutrition...Ok, that's bullshit. WE ARE TOO DAMN FAT PEOPLE!...Say it..."My NAME IS _____________ AND I AM TOO DAMN FAT"...Good. Admission is the first stage of recovery. Kris The Critic is a servant for the people. It is my duty to let you know that we Americans spend way too much time stuffing our friggin' pie-holes...And don't get all sensitive on me either. Hell, practically everyone is carrying a lil extra jelly around belly. C'mon...Let's all sit in a big fat circle and begin...No farting please...

How did we get like this?...One must always seek the source of a problem when searching for a solution (hmmmm...that's pretty damned profound - maybe I can apply this to....oh well, back to the fat, I mean matter at hand)...The answer is...drum roll please...WE EAT TOO MUCH. Okay, there are about 37 other reasons, but Kris The Critic will touch on a few culprits decimating our waistlines. You work on the following and I guarantee you will be parading around your naked new body in no time. THESE METHODS DON'T EVEN INVOLVE CHANGING YOUR DIET. But beware, these are extreme measures. Read further...if you dare.

#5) GET RID OF SOME TECHNOLOGY - This includes tv remote controls, ipods, and cell phones...Hello? Are you still there? Can you hear me now? Listen, desperate times call for desperate measures. Isn't that over worked heart of yours worth it? Think about how many thousands of calories you would have saved this year alone if you actually had to get your slothful tail up to change the television station, make a phone call, change a radio station...or heaven forbid, write a letter to someone versus an instant text message.

#4) SELL YOUR CAR - Wow, I know you weren't expecting to hear that one. Think about it for a second. If you had to actually to take a bus to every place you drove, you'd be back to runway model status in no time. Besides, you would grocery shop less, visit no fast-food drive-thru windows, and have no way to make it to the 3 holiday dinners you plan to attend...not to mention all the gas money you'd save from driving you and your blubber butt around.

3) HAVE SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE - Hey!...You decided to be with that tub-o-lard, not me. I also think there you decided to be with this person because at some point there were some redeeming qualities about them. Besides, fat people need lovin' too...When you add up spooning, foreplay, intercourse, and getting up to get some juice...THAT'S A WORKOUT...If you get up to screaming orgasms status on a regular basis, you both will be thin in no time.

#2) STOP DOING THE DRUGS - Medical science makes dealing with all these weight related illnesses too easy. I bet you a ham sandwich that if we stopped giving diabetics a pill and returned to that painful finger prick that would make at least a few people say no to that second helping of pie. Similarly, all these high cholesterol commercials make it seem like its normal to eat fatty foods until your blood is as thick as pancake syrup. After, a chest pain or two, a little diet and excercise wouldn't seem so bad.

#1) BEAT YOUR KIDS - Please don't call DCFS just yet. This is a win-win for you and your fat-ass kids. Think about it. You get a pretty good workout furnishing your offspring a well-deserved, old-school butt-"whoopin'"...And the kids? I guarantee you, if you whoop them 3 times a week for 15 minutes, you will drop inches in no time. Your kid will also drop the video game remote and ice cream to head outside and play (getting them some much needed exercise).

Again, desperate times call for desperate measures...Be Healthy!

Kris The Critic