Here Are Your New Year's Resolutions

Happy "Whatever-it-is-you-celebrate-at-this-time-of-year"!,

The wise one is back to help you with your New Year's Resolutions. You should be pondering at least two things at the moment. First, isn't it still a little early to be putting together our resolutions for the next year. Secondly, Who in the Sam Hell does Kris The Critic think he is to just dole out resolutions on his readers' behalf. Well, my little Criterlings, this year was that damn stank. It sucked! and swallowed (can't believed I just typed that). It was only slightly better than the year slavery started. So, we need extra time to devise a comprehensive list. Furthermore, I'm the Critic dammit!...and, and, oh shut up and just listen. Here are your top ten resolutions (that you actually have a shot at sticking to) for the next year.

10. Gain 10 Pounds - That's right GAIN 10 pounds. It is down right asinine to try to lose weight when I know most of you didn't lose even a gram last year. By setting a 10 pound gain goal you can at least be a happier fat person. Losing weight is for losers.

9. Find A Rich Friend - Look, I'm not going to bore you with the standard "make a budget" crap. An extra $100 a month from not buying stuff you like will only remind you of how broke you are. You need cars, vacations, clothes and cash. Find a filthy rich friend. Rich folks are happy to treat their broke-ass friends.

8. Don't Die - Listen, their are million ways to die these days - Guns, Domestic Violence, STD's...So yes, a goal for this year should be to stay alive. I'm serious ya'll. Look at all the people who have died this year.

7. Learn To Tell A Lie - Listen people, this is the real world. I'm not saying become a world class con artist. However, is there anything wrong with telling your boss you love your new assignment when in reality it made you want to blow up the building? That little fib will have the whole company buzzing about your "ambitious" work style...and soon, Cha-Ching!

6. Donate Some of Your Rich Friend's Money To Charity - Hey, the act of giving to the less fortunate feeds one's soul. So what, if it's not your money.

5. Beat Your Kids - Hmmm, it seems like this makes a lot of lists. However, today's youth are some stark raving lunatics. "Whoopin dat ass" will help give these kids the discipline they need to succeed in the future.

4. Read A Book - Whoa!...You didn't think all of these were going to be a walk in the park, did you?. Live on the wild side. Learn a few new words. Trust me, it won't hurt.

3. Stop Being The Other Woman - This year, like most years was definitely the year of the cheating man. Kris The Critic knows that men will never change. So ladies, it's up to you. Don't be the Ho...become the ho-usewife.

2. Get Rid Of 3 Loser Friends - Look, do you want this next year to be like this one? Trust me? As soon as you kick these life-sucking parasites to the curb, you will realize a healthier, happier existence.

1. Pray - Know that your triflin' ass is bound for failure if you try to achieve new heights by your lonesome self. That's why you needed this list in the first place.

Ok, that's it...we still have time people, any re-writes needed?...You are welcome. Please send all holiday gifts to my P.O. Box

Kris The Critic