The Total Package Score

Hello People,

Kris The Critic has been bombarded by requests to drop some more relationship knowledge onto his loyal followers. Though I believe constant ramblings regarding matters of the heart can make one as soft as baby poo-poo, I am here to serve the people. Therefore, your wish is my command. Cop a squat and get out your notebooks. School is in session. This information should be put in a very safe place like in the urn over the fireplace with grandpa's ashes. If a SUCCESSFUL, LONG-TERM REALATIONSHIP is what you seek, this tool is that friggin' important. I don't care WHO you are...male, female, gay, straight, bi...and any other wild shit you people are on. It is called the TOTAL PACKAGE SCORE. The TPC consists of 3 parts - Finance, Appeal, Value. It is a simple, but fail-safe point scoring system. Each category is worth 5 points. We'll cover this at the end of the lesson.

Finance - People, money (not cheating) is the number 1 cause for divorce. As this recession is showing us...Ain't nobody happy if we are broke. Now, this does not mean become a gold-digger (that's a bad thing...It quickly leads to Ho status). However, some money has to be coming in. THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS...Has this person made money in the past? been successful in the past? or has high potential to make money?...Example, A med school intern who might be not be rolling in dough now, but will be in a few years...Or a suucessful business man whose been laid off (they usually bounce back)...These type of people should be given special consideration. Now, if you are with a broke wanna-be tycoon with bad credit who is over 30 and still is working on that master plan...Hmmm...well, that's not a good thing. Screw that...Run Muth#$#@# Run!

Appeal - This includes, but is not limited to the following: Looks, Hygiene, Dress, Sex Appeal, etc...These things get the short end of the stick sometimes in relationship conversations. Though one day all of us will be old and ugly..(I meant to say slightly less attractive), "Appeal" is of equal importance. If you hear of someone saying otherwise, tell them to see Kris The Critic. Fellas, if you fancy a women with a pretty face, little waist, and one of those cute onion shaped behinds...it is important. Ladies, if you desire a man who is tall, dark, handsome, well dressed, with a big...uh...golden staff...it is important. Here are some things that are negatives for everyone...if you come close tossing your cookies at the thought of kissing them, if they have butter-colored teeth...if they smell...and for all of you premarital sex sinners, if their bedroom game sucks, so will this relationship.

Value - Do no sell value short. This can best be described as one's belief system. This doesn't have to match 100%...that's wierd and phony if it ever does...BUT, IT HAS TO BE ONE THE SAME PAGE. If you believe in God and your mate has a " Satan Lives" tattoo...that's a hint that something is amiss...If you value education,and she rarely takes part in her other kids school affairs, that's not the chick to get pregnant. How many times have we heard of that perfect couple...they move in together and discover there are about 23 things or habits they hate about each other. Kris The Critic actually knew a woman who sometimes left the toilet unflushed...EWWWWW! These people, are called deal breakers. Know what yours are.

Scoring is simple...

12 and above...Marry them and skip the pre-nup. It will last....Guaranteed.

9-11...This is a relationship that can work with good communication and effort on both sides...

8 or less...Change your number. If they track you down...GET A RESTRAINING ORDER!

I'd like a wedding invite...This advice was your present.

Kris The Critic