Flight 303

Greetings Earthlings,

This blog is a tribute to those who have dared to go where few men have ever gone before. It is a dedication to a few special individuals who have braved the elements of an unknown journey in the name of love. These men have put their own needs aside in spite of an arduous task set before them. This blog is a formal expression of praise for dad's everywhere who have taken a 4 hour flight, alone with a baby. Ladies and gentlemen, KRIS THE CRITIC has joined the ranks of this elite group of parents who have been blessed with patience second only to Jesus Christ himself...OR...are as dumb as a box of rocks for agreeing to torture themselves. Now that I have lived through this mind numbing experience, my thoughts can be summed up in a few words..."WHAT IN THE F#%@ WAS I THINKING"! I am definitely part of the latter group of idiots. I know what your thinking. KRIS THE CRITIC, we've seen that little doll of yours. You are surely exaggerating. Well, screw you. You guys weren't there. We flew from Chicago to LA. My little precious baby turned into a "Chuckie" Doll for a few hours. For a few moments, I thought her head was going to spin around and she'd vomit all over me. Well, her head stayed intact, but she did vomit all over me, multiple times...It all started out so peaceful. What happened?...Let's examine the day's events...

8:20am - Baby and I arrived at O'hare airport. She loves riding in cars, this was no exception...What a sweet little girl. Muah! You are about to go on your first airplane. Yippeeee!

8:35am - Dang, this airport security line is longer than The Eagle roller coaster at Great America - circa 1989. The Baby is getting slightly antsy.

9:05am - First sign of frustration. Along with taking of my shoes, belt, coat, etc. I have to do the same for the baby...AND break down the stroller and disassemble the car seat. I am officially starting to perspire.

9:15am - I can't believe this fake-a$$ airport security chumps are inspecting baby food for this length of time...Does Similac have financial holdings in Iraq...WTF! Do they think the baby brought a bag of weed. Geez....

9:25am - Now that we've made it pass the Keystone Kops. I gotta change my little baby girl in the men's room (Hmmm...she's only 6 months - but I still gotta keep my eye on these perverts). That's was easy. It was only a wet didy.

10:15 - Whew. Finally on the plane. I'm a little winded. Hmmm, she will probably sleep the entire time. Yup, this will be cake.

10:30 - Liftoff! I'll give her a little bottle so her little ears won't pop and she'll be sleep in no time. This is so easy.

10:50 - I tell the little old lady next to me that I won't need her assistance (like I want her grubby old paws on my little lady)

11:30 - After singing the entire Thriller album, my little lady drifts off to sleep. Hey, she's a Michael Jackson fan. I'm not that bad of a singer, I think the folks around me enjoyed it...And I am ready for a nap my self. My neck is a getting little achy. See you guys in LA.

11:57am - What! the nap ended already. She's squirming and crying. Hmmm. My singing's not working. Hmmm...What's that smell? Geez, that flight attendant needs to take that trash to the back. Wow, that's putrid...Uh-oh, is that my baby? Off to the restroom. This is not going to be good.

12:35pm - I now realize that you do not dress to look good travelling with a baby. My True Religion Jeans and Perry Ellis sweater now have a tie-dyed look from the various colors of baby vomit. Next time, I'm wearing a painters outfit or better yet, a hefty bag.

12:52pm - How do they expect anyone to travel with a baby in these little seats? MY NECK IS KILLING ME!! I need a massage. Where did the old lady go?...PLEASE STOP CRYING! (I'm rocking, I'm singing, I'm rocking, I'm singing...) Are we there YET?

1:05pm - Thank God for this old lady next to me. The baby FINALLY stopped crying. I should have let her hold the baby two hours ago...And now I can crawl under the seat and find the other shoe which is lost yet again.

1:28pm - I gotta get back in the gym. I'm having shortness of breath. I hope this isn't a heart attack. If I die. I'm suing McDonald's...Back to my seat.

1:45pm - Ahhh...I have a sitter. Time for a little nap for daddy.

2:30pm - WTF! We're here already! I was JUST getting to sleep. Well, at least we made it safely.

Now that this experience is over, I can say this. Babies needs mommies. Daddies just aren't built for certain activities. This is one of them. Once this crook in my neck subsides, I'll cook my darling wife dinner for the next week. Have any of you great dad's had similar experiences?

KRIS THE CRITIC