Which Breakfast Cereal Are You?

Welcome back readers,

The Critic of Random s#%@ has returned. However, the topic of breakfast cereals is not random at all. The best breakfast cereals have been as important a part of our everyday American lives as a hot cup of coffee. Okay, some of you "sophisticated" folks think a cold cereal blog is beneath you, huh?...Well, Raise up! That's right, Get to Steppin'! Take yo' ass to Starbucks.
Okay, now that we have "real" America in the place, I shall continue. First, I'd like to point out again that this is a Kris The Critic blog. This means that we won't even be discussing those super healthy cereals. You know the type. The ones that boast pouring milk directly over stuff like nuts, carrots and beets. This is strictly for cereals fortified with good ole fashioned sugar. As a matter of fact, you can tell alot about a person by the type of cereal he or she eats. No, this is a not an exact science, but its pur-r-r-rty damned close. Let's take a look.

Raisin Bran - You won't admit it, but you try to keep up with the Joneses. Sometimes, you are even considered phony or scared to think out of the box. Anyone who eats a cereal that pretends to be healthy when it has raisins dipped in so much sugar they shouldn't be called raisins anymore is not totally in touch with reality. Hey, but everybody eats Raisin Bran, right?

Cap'n Crunch - Ahhh...This is my personal favorite. Unfortunately, if it is yours, you are a certified nut as well. Hands down, this cereal consistently gets the worst nutritional score of any cereal marketed to families and kids. Anyone who knowlingly ingests this product is looking to raise hell.

Cheerios - You are either too healthy, too unhealthy, or too fat. This cereal tastes like crap in a bowl. The only reason to eat this cereal is for its minimal cholesterol benefits. I'd rather eat cardboard sprinkled with sugar and pour water over it.

Fruity Pebbbles/Froot Loops/Trix? Any "fruity cereal" - You've got a little flavor. I'd bet my 1901 two dollar bill that you dress to impress more often than not. This is the favorite of Metrosexuals/Bi-sexuals/Homosexuals...just sexual people. Its just a wild ass cereal. Eat it with caution.

Frosted Flakes - You are the most well-rounded person on this list. This cereal has it all - sugar, flakes (though I really don't know what a flake is, they look healthy), and the #1 hype man in the world, Tony the Tiger. However, something tells me that Kellogg's may consider changing his name to Tony the Lion.

Rice Krispies - You under the age of 7 or you are a closet homosexual. The cartoon characters "Snap, Crackle, and Pop" are proof of the previously mentioned statement. However, I am a fan of this cereal because Rice Krispy Treats are the sh%#

Lucky Charms - You have the mind of a wierd child. Eating this cereal makes me feel like that irritating sound of chalk being scraped the wrong way on a chalk board is happening inside of my mouth. Sorry to all of my Irish brethren, keep those yellow moons, orange stars, and green clovers to yourself because that damn leprechaun gives me the creeps.

Okay people, its a wrap. Please do not bombard me with the "What about this cereal or what about that cereal?"...Please, Yo ass has eaten one of the cereals listed above. I couldn't write about all of them! However, if you would like a detailed 1-page analysis of your favorite cereal, send a money order or cashier's check for $19.99 to my P.O. box.

Holla at ya' boy,

Kris The Critic