Ladies...I promise to be gentle.
In addition to sometimes being a grade A a$$@*#*, Kris The Critic does have a heart. Don't get me wrong, there are enough women making bone head relationship decisions out there for me to write 50 blogs on this title alone. However, I am a servant to the people. Fortunately for you, I have made enough mistakes in life to fill up a phone book. So, in your quest for Holy matrimony, I implore you to remain undaunted. THE LONG ROAD TO THE ALTAR(...which is the name of a future blog AND my copy written movie idea- so no biting please) really isn't that far away, if that is what you seek. If not, keep reading...along with educating the masses, it will tickle a bit. Before we delve into the meat of this matter (and for the newbies to Kris The Critic), I'd like to remind everyone that there is a prerequisite for this course. It is called "Why You Are Not Married" - Part I, dated 11/18/2009 (covers problems #1 - #5) . So please do not bombard me with questions the teacher has already covered. Read it dammit! because no cliff notes exist. Let's continue...
#6 Problem: Why Buy The Cow When You Can Get The Milk For Free. Listen, I am not going to sit here and tell you to keep your legs closed until you get a ring (even though that's ideal), but most women are giving it up quicker than you can say Kris The Critic. Quick, somebody tell me the average time to "doin' the do?...What? 3 1/2 dates? 2 weeks? Am I lying? Solution: Men are simple creatures, but we ain't that simple. Make that man wait. I won't put a time timetable on the subject, but I will say this - "If every woman decided to keep the goodies to herself until she got a ring, there would be no need for this blog.
#7 Problem: Stop hanging out at loser establishments. Men know exactly where to go to find a "come up". I think some women mistake that same place for finding Mr. Right. Solution: The next time you go out, ask a few men what their occupation is. If you hear "Doctor this" or "Attorney that"...not a bad start. If you hear "Street Pharmaceutical Distributor" or "A lil bit of this and that" chances are your locale is an issue.
#8 Problem: Know what battles to fight. You finally get a good guy on the hook, but you mess it up because you argue too damn much. Solution: God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason. No man wants to hear what you will and won't put up with because of the last loser you dated. It wasn't his fault. Let it go. As a matter of fact, I told you we are simple creatures - Let us "think" we won the debate from time to time. We like that.
#9 Problem: You are selfish. I just want to rip my ears off every time I hear a woman say "She wants a man to compliment her because of...well, because of whatever long list of attributes she THINKS she has". Don't get me wrong a man SHOULD compliment you. Solution: Know that this thing called marriage is real work. The better attitude is focusing on what you have to offer "for the good both of you". Are you as focused on what you have to offer as you are on what he has to give?
#10 Problem: You aren't growing. Solution - Get your "weight" up. Hold the extra value meal please. I am not talking about your weight in pounds (by the way, 77% of ya'll could stand to lose a couple...I'm just saying). I am talking about life skills. Solution: Work on something, anything (actually, this is advice for both sexes). Learn to cook. Work on your faith. A man (just like a woman) wants someone who sees a similar path in front of them on this road we called life.
Any questions? Class is dismissed.
Kris The Critic
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Kris got your email from FB and thought I'd check out your blog. Funny Stuff. Although here's a few comments I have as a 10 year (and still going) vet to the marriage game:
ReplyDelete1. Marriage is fucking work - The ceremony, reception, and the honeymoon are all nice, but the marriage starts after the bills start coming and euphoria of "I's married now" wears off.
2. Pick your battles - Yes Kris did a nice job of discussing this one, but I want to further stress this as a married man. Nothing makes me want to tune out, and get the hell out faster than when a woman wants to argue me down about damn near everything. I don't care how smart, sexy, intellectual you are, that stuff gets annoying really quickly.
3. Don't settle, but don't be a damn fool either - I kind of disagree with Kris on this one. Don't settle for some fool you met at the club who couldn't get out of the 8th grade if you can do better. At the same time stop looking for someone who's built like an pro athlete, with a law degree, no kids, and hung like a mule if you aren't bring anything close to that to the table. In that instance, then yes lower your expectations FOR REAL!
4. Don't take on a project - What I mean here is don't marry some dude you think you can change once you get married. Chances are if he wasn't $h!t before you got married, a wife and possibly kids will more than likely not change his outlook on life.
Otheriwse, great article Kris.
JW