Technology Sucks

Welcome Fans of Kris The Critic,

The time has come for this madness we call technology to stop. Okay, we all know that it will never stop, but maybe it could slow down a wee bit. Hmmm, that's not likely either. Better yet, it could simply become slightly less intrusive. Yeah, that's it. Do you feel me? Can a brother break it down?

Kris The Critic remembers a time not so long ago where if someone called me and I wasn't there, well...I wasn't there. That was it. They would wait a few hours and try to reach me again. This process would repeat until I answered the phone OR someone at my house picked up the phone OR they would just give up. Ahhh, life was so simple. You do see where this is going don't you? I didn't have to be bothered with a single solitary soul unless I damn well chose to. I am convinced that this is how life was intended to be. If you disagree, well...go screw yourself. I will attempt to illustrate to those of you with less gray matter than most why the following technological advancements have made human existence worse...And for those considered "players" (though I am retired) these items should avoided or used at a bare minimum. This is advice for my male AND female readers.

1) The beeper/pager - This was the SH@$...It was to telecommunications what space invaders was to video games - very archaic looking back, but ahead of its time when it was conceived (okay, so now you know I'm over 30...here's a cookie). These were initially designed for surgeons on call, but low and behold, it wasn't long before everyone had a beeper on their hip. And it wasn't long after that before some dope was getting chewed out because he didn't return the 15th emergency of the day fast enough. Especially if someone left the "911" code.

2) Call Waiting/3 way calling - Yes young people, this stuff didn't always exist. But it blows as much as the pager. Every guy or gal who has been secretly trapped on the line with 2 people (while one person stayed quiet) who found out you were trying to date both of them please raise your hand. Yup, I knew it. Who invented this anyway? It had to be some sort of asexual human devoid of any sexual feelings towards others.

3) Cell Phone - This really seemed like a great invention. Nope, try again. It was the precursor to GPS (which is a separate blog all together). How many of us have received or made 22 calls in a row because you knew they had that damn cell phone? I don't know who's worse - the crazy ass caller who made 22 calls...or the person who didn't just pick up and say "I'm busy dammit!". Either way, cell phones should be used for law enforcement purposes only.

4) Voice Mail - Do I really need am example for this one? I hated this when they had the little tiny cassette tapes (remember those?) ALL OF US have busted someone out or been busted out because of this technological "advancement"...Hell, this was definitely a set back. All of you cheaters be very careful. The next time you leave a steamy voicemail look out of your window to see if the white "cheaters" van is pulling into your driveway.

5) Email - This "advancement" is solely responsible for more breakups, firings, expulsions, etc. than any item on this list. Not only did some moron invent email, they invented the ability to cc and bcc. I hate this mutha#$&@^ with a passion. The next time I even think of sending an email, I'm going to smack myself and then use the telephone.

6) Facebook/MySpace/Twitter/"and any other dumb-ass addictive as crack social networking site" - I am sure as I type some poor sap's wife is throwing his sh$# out of the window because he hooked up with some ramdon chick who tracked him down on one of these so-called "networking" sites. These sites should be called "Ho-tracking" sites because their is alot of naughtiness going on with all these great friends you've lost touch with. If they were so great, why did you lose touch in the first damn place? The only thing that burns me up more is to know that all these geniuses that invented these sites are millionaires probably in their 30's. Damn, why didn't I invent one of these?

I hate technology. I would continue, but I'm about to throw my computer out of the window. I'm getting nervous just by typing.

Well people, were there any glaring omissions? thoughts?

Your Favorite Scribe,

Kris The Critic