Great, it's Monday again...
Today, your boy is shining a light on an instituion in this country that should be banned for all eternity, THE HIGH SCHOOL CLASS REUNION. Personally, I loved high school...School wasn't too difficult and it was filled with chicks who were so dumb they could trip over a cordless phone (hmmm...maybe it wasn't so bad after all)...BUT, Kris the Critic speaks for the masses. I have now been to some class reunions (No, I'm not that old...I'm including my day care and kindergarten reunions as well...lol) - and I suspect there were at LEAST a couple suicide attempts - and maybe some successful self-murders per reunion per school. Considering the amount of high schools per city and per state, class reunions account 16,214 deaths per year...Ok, I made that number up...but I'm good at math so let's go with it. This includes all of your various types of students...Here is why at a high school class reunion - no one wins...
#1) The Jock: Then - You were the man on the field! Your athletic prowess made all the guys envious and all the ladies swoon. Now - You work in a low-paying dead end job and your only workout consists of getting beer watching football games on Sunday.
#2) The Nerd: Then - You were a chump. Now - You are still a chump!...Granted, you make slightly more money than most. But, the jock could still kick your ass and stuff you into a locker. Every time you see the folks who made life hell for you, you want to make like an ostrich and stick your head in a hole (Oops - for all of you that don't know, an ostrich lays its head low to the ground appear as a mound of earth when hiding - but the nerd knew what I was talking about)
#3) Ms I'm So Fine: Then - You were your high school's Halle Berry. Your steez and curves were second to none. Now - Halle Berry...NOT!!! You didn't have too many life skills other than your looks. So, now that your a size 18 (and I'm being generous), you've got a few fatherless kids, and you couldn't even get a job at the local strip club, you realize life will forever be an uphill battle.
#4) The Class Clown: Then - You were the life of the party. Detention was worth all the popularity you got from making everyone laugh. Now - You still are funny. However, you are a crackhead. You never got a diploma and live on the street. You may as well save up all of your corner collections and OD
#5) Most Likely To Succeed: Then - You joined at least 9 clubs and scholastic groups, you had a resume to rival a young Obama at age 15. Now - You hate yourself for joining all those damn clubs when you could have had some real fun. You constantly try to fill your existence with phony shit to make up for a missed youth. You are moments away from going all Michael Jackson on everybody.
So, you see people...There is no need to fork over $75 bucks for you and $75 for a date to go get drunk, eat dry chicken, get a cheap wine glass for a keepsake at a run-down banquet hall with people you really don't like anyway to pretend you are living the world's greatest life. SKIP IT. You and your close friends probably stay in contact anyway. Please send an email back if you agree the High School Reunion should be banned.
Kris The Critic
P.S. College reunions are a different story - Even if you failed out, I am sure you had enough sex and alcohol to last a lifetime.
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I love it!
ReplyDeleteKRS, who know you were so funny? Some of your criticism was so true it's scary. All the while, I was feeling bad about missing the SMDP 20yr... now I realize, I just saved myself at least $150 and 6 hours of round trip driving! Question for you; which category did you fit in? lol
ReplyDeleteHigh school Reunions suck!!!!!!!!! They are filled with nobody I ever want to see ever again.You are right ban them all.!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI graduated from high school in 1982 and have never been to even one of my high school reunions. After I looked over a website about my 30-year high school reunion, I don't regret not ever having gone to one. Very few of the people I liked back in high school attended it. It was mostly the snobs, the bullies, the prima donnas, and people I just generally don't wish ever to see again in my life. I don't consider my life to have been a failure, but my problem is that I don't have the desire to share my life story with any of these people. I had my circle of friends back in high school, and, yes, those days were some of the best times of my life. I'm just not that person anymore that I was back then, and I don't want to have to pretend to be that person again. I used to live in California and New York and now I live back in the same area of the country I grew up in here in Virginia. However, I have only run into one of my classmates since I moved back. She was like a stranger to me and visa versa. The way I feel about my former high school classmates is the same way that Samantha Gailey-Geimer now feels about Roman Polanski. They are like strangers to me now. It's like that old Dionne Warwick song that says that a fool can lose tomorrow reaching back for yesterday. That's the reality of high school reunions. That's why I absolutely detested that couple on that TV sitcom series "Still Standing." They were two 40-something year olds trapped in their adolescence. I absolutely detest that song that John Mayer sings about not being able to wait until his 10-year old high school reunion. He’s such a pompous ass anyways, so that sounds just like a song he would sing.
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