Ladies...This one is for you.
File this one away with the life insurance papers and all the other important documents. The sh%$ your boy is about to drop is that deep. Though currently retired...I was once an 8th degree player...excuse me...playa'...That means I know how to make any relationship...let's say..uhhh...a good experience...Thus, I am more than qualified to give an expert opinion on matters of the heart (and mind). Let me not digress. The reason most of you are not married and destined to live the rest of your miserable life alone is because of....(drum roll please...)...YOU! I'll give you a partial list of why you are so far from hearing wedding bells you may as well be deaf...Again, any other advice will cost you....I'm also a retired 8th degree pimp...Ok, here we go...
#1) PROBLEM: You aint all that...I know the truth is always so hard to hear. Your PHD and salary makes you a catch but not THE catch...If you get on his nerves like Aunt Esther did to Fred G, he will always be thinkin' about Elizabeth SOULTION: Shut up...alot..let him THINK he's leading this thing. Men are simple creatures but hate a lot of push back...See...there you go...STOP IT!
2) Problem: You want a baller...Take a deep breath...You aint that fine...If a man wants fine only he can pay a stripper to be the woman of his dreams without all of the back talk and headache. Solution: Lower your standards...Yes, LOWER YOUR STANDARDS...Ballers are usually superficial and want showpieces. If a long term commitment is what you seek you do not want to be arm candy. Those relationships NEVER last.
3) Problem: Stop lying to yourself...If you really want a God-fearing, honest, loyal man...mean it. Most of you SAY that but as soon as a not-so-cute guy tries to holla'...you tell your girls "Girl, he just wasn't cute enough or He's not my type"...Solution: THAT"S BULLSHIT! Realize you are no Beyonce yourself..."Know that Resputia!"..Also, know that if you want a dude for a showpiece...chances are that's all his triflin' ass will ever be TO YOU.
4) Problem: You can't cook. You figure, you earn what he earns why should you. Well, my domestically challenged, IT WILL NOT WORK -LONG TERM- IF YOU CAN'T COOK OR CLEAN. Solution: Get Grandma's recipes...Hell, she's the only one who had a man til he died anyway....Tell me I'm lying.
5) Problem: You can't cook in the bedroom. I already told you men are simple creatures - cavemen, if you will. If you want marriage, you better get use to learning what turns your beast on. Solution: A little role play, adult video, and dress-up every now and then...I don't have a single male friend who got pissed because his wife popped "Big Booty Part 5" into the DVD player.
Ok, before you start with the replies...SHUT UP AND DON'T...That's why you are single in the first place.
Kris The Critic
P.S.
You're Welcome
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Kris...wow, you brought tears to my eyes, I love you man!!!! You speak the truth!
ReplyDeleteI must say I agree and I am a woman
ReplyDeleteNot only is this blog funny much of what you are saying is true. Can you write about women that think they are all that, but will make excuses for a man that does not want them/or does not want to be with them ...PLEASE? Keep up the good work, and keep writing.
ReplyDeleteOKAY KRIS, THIS IS THE DEAL, I READ 6-10 BEFORE I READ 1-5 AND I ABSOLUTELY AGREE WITH EVERYTHING YOU'RE SAYING BUT, WHAT IF YOU ARE FAVORED 8 OUT OF 10 SOLUTIONS,AND HE STILL HAS NOT FOUND YOU? WHAT DO YOU WHILE WAITING?...(I'M PATIENT)
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