Hello Seekers of Kris The Critic,
Today's piece will help educate the masses. People, we have an issue whose importance ranks right up there with health care and education. Unfortunately, it is being largely ignored. No, this blog has absolutely nada to do with my sisters and brothers who live south of the border. Their quest for what's left of the American dream is not only understood, but supported by this scribe. If you have ever been to any small Mexican border town, you'd support a mass exodus as well... Hmmm... that's a blog for another day.
However, this plight rears its ugly head predominantly within the African-American community. Nope - I am not referring to crime, obesity, pregnant teens, single moms, cancer, drugs, diabetes, prison, STD's or high cholesterol... Damn, it's hard being black! ....So, what in sam hill am I talking about? (And no, I know nothing of sam hill; it just felt right write typing it)... I am referring to the inability of a large portion of my people to correctly use the English language. Ahhh... now you smell me. We owe it to future generations to check someone whenever they try and chop up the language into something that should not be considered English. We can't tackle any real issues until we, as a people, can effectively communicate. So, without further adieu, here are some common violations... And don't laugh; you've probably committed a few offenses on the list... And these are in no particular order -
#10 Ask vs. Ax - I don't know why folks like to mispronounce such a tiny word, but it really bugs me... If you hear your child saying, "Can I Ax a question?... Ax it ASAP.
#9 Four vs. Foe - Okay, maybe I have done this once or twice, BUT I am very aware of it... It just sounds funny. "Yo, let me get foe of those"... lol... See what I mean.
#8 Bogus vs. Bogish - I am not lying. Do not ask me where I've been to have witnessed this; but it happens. And the worst part, I don't think most folks know what it means.
#7 Labtop vs. Laptop - I am embarrassed for the race just to admit that I know this happens in the hood. Wow - This ebonic epedemic is worse than I thought.
#6 Converse vs. Coversate - I blame this on the Notorious B.I.G. "Conversate for a few / cause in a few /we gon do / what we came to do" Go ahead and finish the line... Well, boo, conversate does not exist.
#5 I'll use it in a sentence... "You boys stop that wrasslin!"... Somewhere, someone is reading this saying to themselves "What's wrong with that sentence?" - nothing dog, nothing.
#4 Prostate vs. Prostrate - Hey, I'll issue a pass on this one. The importance of getting this organ checked has really been publicized only in recent times. So, however you choose to pronounce it, men should go get it check around age 40.
#3 Hair Done vs. Hair Did - Now, If your hair did some tricks, I stand corrected. However, if you are going to get your hair "did" - just stop it and start practicing getting your hair done. Go ahead; try it. It doesn't hurt.
#2 Stop adding syllables to words when trying to emphasize something. Here's an example - "LeBron James is a great ath-uh-lete". Athlete has two syllables.
#1 It is an oldie, but goodie... The word "teeth" should never be pronounced "teef." Got it? Good.
Again, this is just a small example of of a much bigger problem. It seems trivial, but speaking well can do wonders for a person's life. Hell, just ask that Senator from Chicago.
So, Any one else heard any words that are commonly butchered? What did I leave out?
KRIS THE CRITIC
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
The Hood Ain't What It Used To Be
Did you miss me?
Today, I am not the happiest of scribes. We will get to why I am feeling slightly out of sorts in a minute. The day started out nice enough...well, as nice as The Windy City can be at this time of year. The serene skies actually made me forget about the messed up economy and this god-awful place I go to everyday called a job. Hmmm...I hope my boss doesn't read Kris The Critic. Oh well. This particular day I decided to take a drive through my old neighborhood. Growing up, there was no better place to be during the summer and fall than the south side of Chicago. Even for those who do not hail from Chi-City, I believe you have fond memories of your childhood neighborhood. Close your eyes and think back to the things...Awwww...I tee a wittle smile...
That brings me back to why I'm feeling a little blue. I don't know if I'll ever get that feeling back. Feel me?...not yet. Take a walk with ya boy down memory lane. Let's see if the old grey matter can remember what made the hood such a good place to be. These are of course, in no particular order:
#1) Sports - When was the last time you saw a group of kids play a game of piggy softball, or draw a square box for a game of strike out, hide and seek, red light - green light, football...ANYTHING? It just doesn't happen. No wonder kids 12 years old are so fat now. Sure, we still see a few basketball games, but that's just foreplay to someone getting shot.
#2) Pink Cookies - I know I personally ate about 2000 or so of these from age 5 to 15, so why did they stop being sold? I miss those little sugary treats. I miss all penny candy. Now you can only buy Gyros from foreigners. Back then you could get a bag full of candy for about 87 cents..Real sugar too. No high fructose corn syrup...What was your favorite?...Chiko Sticks, Mike & Ike's, Now & Laters (or Nownlaters as I called them), Wine candy?...
#3) Curfew - I know I didn't dream about this. BUT, didn't all youth (by law) have to be off the street around a certain time? Or was that just my mother who yelled out of the window at 8pm, everyday? If I wasn't in by the time the street lights came on, there were serious consequences and repercussions. They bring back curfew, crime will go down, guaranteed.
#4) Music - There was a time when you could actually hear the words of a nice song and sing along to it. All my friends would walk and sing our favorite songs. That's because someone always had a boom box (forget about an iPod). Anyone could pick up a Jet magazine, go to the hot singles page, and know ALL top 20 songs. Now, I don't know what the heck is being said or who is singing it...But we do know if it's made this decade it about naked women, sex, money and cars...Music sucks!
#5) Neighbors...nice ones and mean ones. It truly takes a village to raise a child. I didn't like it back then, but we all had someone on our block who would go nuts if you walked in their grass. As a matter of fact, most neighbors would know the kids names, break up fights, or even feed you. Today, we don't know half the people on our block.
So, we are all grown up. We have nice homes and nice cars...We didn't have much back then did we? But in truth, it was all we needed. What do you miss about the hood?
Kris The Critic
Today, I am not the happiest of scribes. We will get to why I am feeling slightly out of sorts in a minute. The day started out nice enough...well, as nice as The Windy City can be at this time of year. The serene skies actually made me forget about the messed up economy and this god-awful place I go to everyday called a job. Hmmm...I hope my boss doesn't read Kris The Critic. Oh well. This particular day I decided to take a drive through my old neighborhood. Growing up, there was no better place to be during the summer and fall than the south side of Chicago. Even for those who do not hail from Chi-City, I believe you have fond memories of your childhood neighborhood. Close your eyes and think back to the things...Awwww...I tee a wittle smile...
That brings me back to why I'm feeling a little blue. I don't know if I'll ever get that feeling back. Feel me?...not yet. Take a walk with ya boy down memory lane. Let's see if the old grey matter can remember what made the hood such a good place to be. These are of course, in no particular order:
#1) Sports - When was the last time you saw a group of kids play a game of piggy softball, or draw a square box for a game of strike out, hide and seek, red light - green light, football...ANYTHING? It just doesn't happen. No wonder kids 12 years old are so fat now. Sure, we still see a few basketball games, but that's just foreplay to someone getting shot.
#2) Pink Cookies - I know I personally ate about 2000 or so of these from age 5 to 15, so why did they stop being sold? I miss those little sugary treats. I miss all penny candy. Now you can only buy Gyros from foreigners. Back then you could get a bag full of candy for about 87 cents..Real sugar too. No high fructose corn syrup...What was your favorite?...Chiko Sticks, Mike & Ike's, Now & Laters (or Nownlaters as I called them), Wine candy?...
#3) Curfew - I know I didn't dream about this. BUT, didn't all youth (by law) have to be off the street around a certain time? Or was that just my mother who yelled out of the window at 8pm, everyday? If I wasn't in by the time the street lights came on, there were serious consequences and repercussions. They bring back curfew, crime will go down, guaranteed.
#4) Music - There was a time when you could actually hear the words of a nice song and sing along to it. All my friends would walk and sing our favorite songs. That's because someone always had a boom box (forget about an iPod). Anyone could pick up a Jet magazine, go to the hot singles page, and know ALL top 20 songs. Now, I don't know what the heck is being said or who is singing it...But we do know if it's made this decade it about naked women, sex, money and cars...Music sucks!
#5) Neighbors...nice ones and mean ones. It truly takes a village to raise a child. I didn't like it back then, but we all had someone on our block who would go nuts if you walked in their grass. As a matter of fact, most neighbors would know the kids names, break up fights, or even feed you. Today, we don't know half the people on our block.
So, we are all grown up. We have nice homes and nice cars...We didn't have much back then did we? But in truth, it was all we needed. What do you miss about the hood?
Kris The Critic
Monday, September 6, 2010
Everyone Needs A Side Hustle
Welcome Back Friends,
Today we are all going to take an introspective view at a vital part of our very existence. I don't care if you haven't taken an iota of interest in any of my past work. This is one to grow on. I know what you're thinking - "I come to this place as a vacation from the real world and now this dude thinks he's some sort of deep philosopher". Well screw you....Ok, that was harsh. As a matter of fact, you are right. I can be an butt-head most times, but somebody has gotta do it. This world can eat you alive. Sometimes, you need to hear "the real" from a mo-fo like me...And admit it, my incessant rants usually have some substance buried down deep. Right? Thanks for the compliment. These are uncertain financial times. KRIS THE CRITIC is about to explore what is affectionately called "The Side Hustle"
Today's lesson is about the almighty dollar. Now, before any religious zealots get on their high horse, I'm shooting the horse in the leg. Money is not the root of all evil. Evil people are...Ok, religion class is over. Seriously, I am simply saying most material things we desire i.e. school, vacations, family, drinking, cars, clothes require moola. Long gone are the days we can work, raise a family, retire and live happily ever after without much worry. This blog is for everyone from my minimum wage brothers and sisters to my six-figure so-called ballers. We need to plan for the future people. Now don't get all sad thinking about all the savings you don't have or all the money you've "tricked-off" in your life....Ding! Ding! Ding! - For those not familiar with urban lingo, to trick off means to waste. That's your word of the week. Now go practice it among your friends. They'll think you are really cool. Ok, back to the matter at hand. Here just a few ways you can up your financial status if you lack the brains and capital to launch the next Facebook or Google.
Sell some old "stuff" - The digital world is filled with people who value old crap at cheap prices. The internet has made it possible to have the entire world come to your garage sale. While you're at it, ask friends for stuff they don't want and sell it...Don't be ashamed, everyone respects a side gig.
Make a drink - Instead of always being the bar fly, get paid for making cocktails for your fellow pub patrons. Invite all your friends, get them super tipsy and cha-ching! Bartenders also get to sip a few freebies. Hmmm, I think this is the side hustle for yours truly.
Watch some rugrats - For those of you not on any sex offender list, this one is a winner. You don't have to be super smart either. As long as you can play an Elmo DVD, prepare some food, and recognize if a kid isn't breathing - you can do this. There are no lack of employment opportunities here either. Every parent could always use a reliable baby-sitter from time to time.
Write a blog - All you have to do to make tons of money is &#*Q#)&$&@)Q)*#* - Oops. Sorry folks, This is the official side hustle of KRIS THE CRITIC. Until I've become a millionaire entertaining you guys I can't give away the secret (insert expletives here).
Charge people for your hobbies - For those of you who have real tangible skills i.e. taxes, hair, cooking, etc...LET PEOPLE KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY TO PROVIDE YOUR SERVICES FOR A FAIR FEE. Learn to tell friends and relatives that you will be pimped no more. Hmmm...You know what, I think I'll start charging for advice.
Well, I hope I have helped a few people that all does not begin nor end with your regular 9 to 5. Be creative and get paid. SO, WHAT'S YOUR SIDE HUSTLE?
KRIS THE CRITIC
Today we are all going to take an introspective view at a vital part of our very existence. I don't care if you haven't taken an iota of interest in any of my past work. This is one to grow on. I know what you're thinking - "I come to this place as a vacation from the real world and now this dude thinks he's some sort of deep philosopher". Well screw you....Ok, that was harsh. As a matter of fact, you are right. I can be an butt-head most times, but somebody has gotta do it. This world can eat you alive. Sometimes, you need to hear "the real" from a mo-fo like me...And admit it, my incessant rants usually have some substance buried down deep. Right? Thanks for the compliment. These are uncertain financial times. KRIS THE CRITIC is about to explore what is affectionately called "The Side Hustle"
Today's lesson is about the almighty dollar. Now, before any religious zealots get on their high horse, I'm shooting the horse in the leg. Money is not the root of all evil. Evil people are...Ok, religion class is over. Seriously, I am simply saying most material things we desire i.e. school, vacations, family, drinking, cars, clothes require moola. Long gone are the days we can work, raise a family, retire and live happily ever after without much worry. This blog is for everyone from my minimum wage brothers and sisters to my six-figure so-called ballers. We need to plan for the future people. Now don't get all sad thinking about all the savings you don't have or all the money you've "tricked-off" in your life....Ding! Ding! Ding! - For those not familiar with urban lingo, to trick off means to waste. That's your word of the week. Now go practice it among your friends. They'll think you are really cool. Ok, back to the matter at hand. Here just a few ways you can up your financial status if you lack the brains and capital to launch the next Facebook or Google.
Sell some old "stuff" - The digital world is filled with people who value old crap at cheap prices. The internet has made it possible to have the entire world come to your garage sale. While you're at it, ask friends for stuff they don't want and sell it...Don't be ashamed, everyone respects a side gig.
Make a drink - Instead of always being the bar fly, get paid for making cocktails for your fellow pub patrons. Invite all your friends, get them super tipsy and cha-ching! Bartenders also get to sip a few freebies. Hmmm, I think this is the side hustle for yours truly.
Watch some rugrats - For those of you not on any sex offender list, this one is a winner. You don't have to be super smart either. As long as you can play an Elmo DVD, prepare some food, and recognize if a kid isn't breathing - you can do this. There are no lack of employment opportunities here either. Every parent could always use a reliable baby-sitter from time to time.
Write a blog - All you have to do to make tons of money is &#*Q#)&$&@)Q)*#* - Oops. Sorry folks, This is the official side hustle of KRIS THE CRITIC. Until I've become a millionaire entertaining you guys I can't give away the secret (insert expletives here).
Charge people for your hobbies - For those of you who have real tangible skills i.e. taxes, hair, cooking, etc...LET PEOPLE KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY TO PROVIDE YOUR SERVICES FOR A FAIR FEE. Learn to tell friends and relatives that you will be pimped no more. Hmmm...You know what, I think I'll start charging for advice.
Well, I hope I have helped a few people that all does not begin nor end with your regular 9 to 5. Be creative and get paid. SO, WHAT'S YOUR SIDE HUSTLE?
KRIS THE CRITIC
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
"The Plan" for Single Women
Welcome Back Truth Seekers,
Most of the time I tend to philosophize on matters that are entertaining, debatable, or outright random. Today, KRIS THE CRITIC a.k.a. The Chicago Scribe is going to channel his inner philanthropist. No, I am not going to give away millions like Bill Gates or Warren Buffet. Why not? Because that's just plain ole dumb. That blog, "Lunacy in America" is for another day. I am actually going to give practical advice to single women who are in search of a meaningful relationship. Wow!, "Chicago Scribe" that has a nice ring to it - I just thought it up. What do you think???...Hmmm...Sorry about that. I sometimes digress when I write while sipping a fine cognac - In moderation of course. Fellas, don't stop reading! Sure, the blog has a chick title....BUT, has KRIS THE CRITIC ever let you down?
Ok ladies, enough of my pre-advice ranting. I am all yours. Unlike other areas of your life, "getting a man" requires a different strategy. Trust me, your past successes in school, work, church, the strip club, or whatever required devising a plan. Plans are good in about 94% +/- .5% of everything you do in life. Not here. I know this because I am a relationship expert. My accolades are written in the diaries of tons of ex-girlfriends. But, I am now happily retired (hi honey). Ok, here is "the plan" to the $50,000 question - "Why so many women are struggling to land Mr. Right?"....THE PLAN TO LANDING MR. RIGHT IS TO HAVE NO PLAN. Seriously, men love planning tons of things. But for a chick we just recently thought about hooking up with - It's like asking Louis Farrakhan if he would like a BLT.
As I have said a thousand times, "Men are simple creatures". Plans scare us. Save that until after you have duped us into marriage...lol. Until then, throw your "gotta have in a man list" out the darn window. Here is a partial list of the "no-plan":
1. Try things you don't normally do - If your normal routine(s) have yielded nothing for the past 10 years, you gotta mix it up. Join a co-ed sports league, take a dance class, join a professional organization or cause. Get off your fat duff and do something different.
2. Check yourself - This means get rid of that previously mentioned list. Following it will keep you single. All it does is find fault in potential mates. Women LOVE to point out why they won't date a man. Too fat, too short, wrong career...his birthday falls on Halloween. It's silly. Most women have a hard time pointing out their own flaws. Am I lying?
3. Get some new friends - I'm not saying lose your regular pals. However, if most of your crew constantly complains about not having a man - for (insert any reason you can think of here) - then you need to be-friend some women who have made the transition to from the single life to wifee. They aren't all just lucky.
4. Stay young - This is in spirit. If you and a potential man are in the "get to know each other stage", keep it light. Don't act so cold. Don't be cruel (shout out to Bobby Brown - the lyrics to that song are on point). As a matter of fact, do the opposite. Act bubbly and naive - slightly dumb on certain topics. We love that.
5. Date some different types of men - Most women (because of their list) usually end up with the same type of losers. Switch it up. I'm not saying go date Shrek...just try giving someone with traits not on your list a little attention. You'd be amazed at what you'll see.
Ok, ladies...and fellas who made it to the end - that's a wrap. Any more advice is going to cost you. Now, get off the computer and find a man. So, is KRIS THE CRITIC's advice on "no plan" the real stuff? or full or stuff?
Most of the time I tend to philosophize on matters that are entertaining, debatable, or outright random. Today, KRIS THE CRITIC a.k.a. The Chicago Scribe is going to channel his inner philanthropist. No, I am not going to give away millions like Bill Gates or Warren Buffet. Why not? Because that's just plain ole dumb. That blog, "Lunacy in America" is for another day. I am actually going to give practical advice to single women who are in search of a meaningful relationship. Wow!, "Chicago Scribe" that has a nice ring to it - I just thought it up. What do you think???...Hmmm...Sorry about that. I sometimes digress when I write while sipping a fine cognac - In moderation of course. Fellas, don't stop reading! Sure, the blog has a chick title....BUT, has KRIS THE CRITIC ever let you down?
Ok ladies, enough of my pre-advice ranting. I am all yours. Unlike other areas of your life, "getting a man" requires a different strategy. Trust me, your past successes in school, work, church, the strip club, or whatever required devising a plan. Plans are good in about 94% +/- .5% of everything you do in life. Not here. I know this because I am a relationship expert. My accolades are written in the diaries of tons of ex-girlfriends. But, I am now happily retired (hi honey). Ok, here is "the plan" to the $50,000 question - "Why so many women are struggling to land Mr. Right?"....THE PLAN TO LANDING MR. RIGHT IS TO HAVE NO PLAN. Seriously, men love planning tons of things. But for a chick we just recently thought about hooking up with - It's like asking Louis Farrakhan if he would like a BLT.
As I have said a thousand times, "Men are simple creatures". Plans scare us. Save that until after you have duped us into marriage...lol. Until then, throw your "gotta have in a man list" out the darn window. Here is a partial list of the "no-plan":
1. Try things you don't normally do - If your normal routine(s) have yielded nothing for the past 10 years, you gotta mix it up. Join a co-ed sports league, take a dance class, join a professional organization or cause. Get off your fat duff and do something different.
2. Check yourself - This means get rid of that previously mentioned list. Following it will keep you single. All it does is find fault in potential mates. Women LOVE to point out why they won't date a man. Too fat, too short, wrong career...his birthday falls on Halloween. It's silly. Most women have a hard time pointing out their own flaws. Am I lying?
3. Get some new friends - I'm not saying lose your regular pals. However, if most of your crew constantly complains about not having a man - for (insert any reason you can think of here) - then you need to be-friend some women who have made the transition to from the single life to wifee. They aren't all just lucky.
4. Stay young - This is in spirit. If you and a potential man are in the "get to know each other stage", keep it light. Don't act so cold. Don't be cruel (shout out to Bobby Brown - the lyrics to that song are on point). As a matter of fact, do the opposite. Act bubbly and naive - slightly dumb on certain topics. We love that.
5. Date some different types of men - Most women (because of their list) usually end up with the same type of losers. Switch it up. I'm not saying go date Shrek...just try giving someone with traits not on your list a little attention. You'd be amazed at what you'll see.
Ok, ladies...and fellas who made it to the end - that's a wrap. Any more advice is going to cost you. Now, get off the computer and find a man. So, is KRIS THE CRITIC's advice on "no plan" the real stuff? or full or stuff?
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Why Husbands Can Be Such Jerks
Greetings from the mind of Kris The Critic,
I must be getting soft as a baby's tush to even consider writing a soft piece like this. Kris The Critic is a hardcore writer. I could have easily loaded my 38 spun the barrel and played a little Russian roulette, because this is suicide. Kris The Critic is actually caving in to the whims of my married female readers. However, I will gladly comply because they are ones who will eventually buy my book when it's released. Sorry fellas, but you guys only read gossip and sports headlines at most. Hell, most of y'all can't even read. Therefore, I am about to sell out. Instead of raving about the good deeds of my fraternity of married brethren, I am about to decipher why many wives, at times, consider their soul mates....uhhh...well...a-holes. Yep, I'm talking about every wife except mine. Right sweetheart? Because I'm perfect right? Honey? Did you hear me? Oh well...
I will attempt to explain why we sometimes can be perceived as such nefarious creatures. How? you ask...I did a random sampling of 497 married women from various walks of life. Though my sample size was not large (when you think about the number of married women in the world), the results were statistically significant. Why? Because I say so. Besides, anyone who interviews more than 500 women in a row will die instantly of EEB (Excessive Exposure to Blah-Blah-Blah...). There were various ages, races, religions, and backgrounds represented. However, these women shared a common thread in their lives. For centuries, they have wrestled with a similar conundrum in every language imaginable. "Why Husbands Can Be Such Jerks?" The following list represents the top complaints of married women.
1. Complaint - Why does my husband think after we argue like cats and dogs he can expect some good loving?
KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - Because a friggin' argument has NADA to do with a man's fundamental need to "get it in". It's in our DNA. That's like saying "Ok, I'm upset with you, so you can't eat". That's murder. Same with sex. Therefore, a man should be sentenced to death because he made you mad. I didn't think so. Wives, go find your wedding video, find your hubby, apologize and give him some.
2. Complaint - My husband is a procrastinator, I ask him to do or fix something and it takes him forever.
KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - This is simple misperception on your part. We are simply giving you time to make sure this is request is different from requests 1 through 4. You see, we realize that it a woman's prerogative to change her mind on a whim. Rather, than make you go through the headache of having us perform a different task, we simply wait until you feel absolute about the tasks ahead of us. See how considerate we are?
3. Complaint - My husband wants me to be submissive, but then wants me to do everything.
KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - That's what slaves are for! I just had to throw that in to see if you were paying attention. Seriously, we (men) are just simple creatures. We like to "think" we are in control. Figure out how and what you need done and make him "think" it was his idea. Sneaky, I know. But, he's not that bright and a little extra work wont hurt him. Whatever you need to get done, make him think its his idea.
4. Complaint - He wastes money, but questions my spending habits.
KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - Seriously, the needs of married men are a lot less than for a single man and just the opposite of a married woman. Our needs are pretty simple. Here is the complete list of things we are accused of wasting money on (all 497 women shared this response)...Beer and Food. So pardon us, when we see a $1000 purse, yes we do think we are entitled to a treat here and there. Give him plenty of beer, food and sex very often and he won't question much at all!
5. Complaint - My husband seems to be more patient with his buddies than me.
KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - That's not true at all. As most men know, their friends aren't the most complex creatures to begin with, so we treat each other accordingly. The reason we married men treat each other so well is because we are usually enjoying a nice frosty beverage while we hang with our buds. Solution, wives, always show up with food and beer. I guarantee you he will be most excited every time you enter the room.
So you see ladies, your husband is not being a jerk. He's just being....a man. Use these tips to your advantage. They will go a long way. Good Luck....Oh, don't worry about him reading this blog. It's too long for a guy to actually read.
Until next time,
KRIS THE CRITIC
I must be getting soft as a baby's tush to even consider writing a soft piece like this. Kris The Critic is a hardcore writer. I could have easily loaded my 38 spun the barrel and played a little Russian roulette, because this is suicide. Kris The Critic is actually caving in to the whims of my married female readers. However, I will gladly comply because they are ones who will eventually buy my book when it's released. Sorry fellas, but you guys only read gossip and sports headlines at most. Hell, most of y'all can't even read. Therefore, I am about to sell out. Instead of raving about the good deeds of my fraternity of married brethren, I am about to decipher why many wives, at times, consider their soul mates....uhhh...well...a-holes. Yep, I'm talking about every wife except mine. Right sweetheart? Because I'm perfect right? Honey? Did you hear me? Oh well...
I will attempt to explain why we sometimes can be perceived as such nefarious creatures. How? you ask...I did a random sampling of 497 married women from various walks of life. Though my sample size was not large (when you think about the number of married women in the world), the results were statistically significant. Why? Because I say so. Besides, anyone who interviews more than 500 women in a row will die instantly of EEB (Excessive Exposure to Blah-Blah-Blah...). There were various ages, races, religions, and backgrounds represented. However, these women shared a common thread in their lives. For centuries, they have wrestled with a similar conundrum in every language imaginable. "Why Husbands Can Be Such Jerks?" The following list represents the top complaints of married women.
1. Complaint - Why does my husband think after we argue like cats and dogs he can expect some good loving?
KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - Because a friggin' argument has NADA to do with a man's fundamental need to "get it in". It's in our DNA. That's like saying "Ok, I'm upset with you, so you can't eat". That's murder. Same with sex. Therefore, a man should be sentenced to death because he made you mad. I didn't think so. Wives, go find your wedding video, find your hubby, apologize and give him some.
2. Complaint - My husband is a procrastinator, I ask him to do or fix something and it takes him forever.
KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - This is simple misperception on your part. We are simply giving you time to make sure this is request is different from requests 1 through 4. You see, we realize that it a woman's prerogative to change her mind on a whim. Rather, than make you go through the headache of having us perform a different task, we simply wait until you feel absolute about the tasks ahead of us. See how considerate we are?
3. Complaint - My husband wants me to be submissive, but then wants me to do everything.
KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - That's what slaves are for! I just had to throw that in to see if you were paying attention. Seriously, we (men) are just simple creatures. We like to "think" we are in control. Figure out how and what you need done and make him "think" it was his idea. Sneaky, I know. But, he's not that bright and a little extra work wont hurt him. Whatever you need to get done, make him think its his idea.
4. Complaint - He wastes money, but questions my spending habits.
KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - Seriously, the needs of married men are a lot less than for a single man and just the opposite of a married woman. Our needs are pretty simple. Here is the complete list of things we are accused of wasting money on (all 497 women shared this response)...Beer and Food. So pardon us, when we see a $1000 purse, yes we do think we are entitled to a treat here and there. Give him plenty of beer, food and sex very often and he won't question much at all!
5. Complaint - My husband seems to be more patient with his buddies than me.
KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - That's not true at all. As most men know, their friends aren't the most complex creatures to begin with, so we treat each other accordingly. The reason we married men treat each other so well is because we are usually enjoying a nice frosty beverage while we hang with our buds. Solution, wives, always show up with food and beer. I guarantee you he will be most excited every time you enter the room.
So you see ladies, your husband is not being a jerk. He's just being....a man. Use these tips to your advantage. They will go a long way. Good Luck....Oh, don't worry about him reading this blog. It's too long for a guy to actually read.
Until next time,
KRIS THE CRITIC
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Don't Let Your Kids Blow Smoke Up Your Ass
Hello Faithful Followers,
This blog is dedicated to all parents who have those beings called teenagers. This piece is actually filled with useful information. But then again, all of my blogs are. I do realize that these beautiful creatures are angels in our eyes (take a moment to think about yours - ahhhhh). Know this - THEY ARE ALL FULL OF SHIT!. Yea, I said it. Unfortunately, Kris The Critic may move a couple notches down from your number 1 blogger spot. So, after you curse me, make sure to thank me. Now, don't start the hate mail yet because I called your kids turds. I actually have some myself. I bought them yesterday and at times, I want to return them as well. But we are stuck with them. Therefore, we must arm ourselves with knowledge. Even though most of us used to be teenagers, the game is changing at warp speed people. Parents need to know more than a few cool phrases like "That's sick" or "He's a beast" to really know what's going on. THIS IS A PEEK INTO THE SECRET LIVES OF TEENS: SEX and DRUGS.
I will admit, the following does not apply to ALL TEENS. There are exactly 62% of kids that the majority of this blog DOES NOT APPLY. However, the parents of the other 38% need to take your kids immediately to a priest, shrink, witch doctor or anyone with the ability to remove demons from one's soul. You people are the unproud parents of the bad apples. As a matter of fact, why don't you go grab a drink and take a moment to yourself before we continue, this may not be easy. I'll wait.........Ok, you there? Good. Remember, there is no reason to keel over just yet. These are teens. There is plenty of time to make positive changes during these formative years. But there is also time for your child to master the art of pole dancing. So, without further delay, let's examine some issues we may or may not already know. But know this, they need to be addressed.
Sex - I don't know if it's in the water or the tons of Flaming Hot chips these kids are eating, but they are taking this whole sex drive thing to new heights. About half of teens 15 to 19 admit to having sex. Over half admit to having oral sex. DAMN! Is sex ed being taught by Joe Francis and his Girls Gone Wild videos? The sad thing is that a lot of teens don't think this is a big deal. More kids than ever are even being caught performing sex acts at school. Straight, gay, bi...It's all in your local high school. Don't believe Kris The Critic...Here is a novel idea ask your teen. Hell, ask ANY teen. To solve this conundrum would take 400 years of research and cost $878 trillion dollars. So, I'll say this...When your teen starts to walk around like they are paying some bills with a stank attitude - THIS MAYBE A SIGN OF PREMATITAL SEX. SMACK THE CRAP out of them and say "You betta not bring no damn babies up in here, cause I ain't takin' care of them". Can I get an amen!
Drugs - Whoever didn't sip a lil cheap wine before the age of 21, raise your hand. Now, stop reading this and leave the room. You are a saint and do not need to be reading this filth as the Man above made you perfect. Back to the rest of us...Today's teen is neither from a drinking generation or a marijuana generation. They are a "whatever-i-can-get-my-hands-on" generation. Most teens are already dim witted. Couple their natural propensity to do dumb sh#$ with a far too frequent drug habit and you get record numbers of teens dropping out of school. Let's perform a litmus test. Ask your teen how easy is it to get weed or whatever at school. At least in our day, the dope man wandered the neighborhood. Now the dope man is sitting in Algebra!
Again, Kris The Critic is a servant to the people. Those of us blessed with children have to responsibility to keep our boys out of jail and our girls off of the stripper's pole. So the next time your teen even looks like they are about to get out of line, give 'em a nice old fashioned back hand (open fist of course). It worked for grandma.
Good Luck with your bad ass kids,
Kris The Critic
This blog is dedicated to all parents who have those beings called teenagers. This piece is actually filled with useful information. But then again, all of my blogs are. I do realize that these beautiful creatures are angels in our eyes (take a moment to think about yours - ahhhhh). Know this - THEY ARE ALL FULL OF SHIT!. Yea, I said it. Unfortunately, Kris The Critic may move a couple notches down from your number 1 blogger spot. So, after you curse me, make sure to thank me. Now, don't start the hate mail yet because I called your kids turds. I actually have some myself. I bought them yesterday and at times, I want to return them as well. But we are stuck with them. Therefore, we must arm ourselves with knowledge. Even though most of us used to be teenagers, the game is changing at warp speed people. Parents need to know more than a few cool phrases like "That's sick" or "He's a beast" to really know what's going on. THIS IS A PEEK INTO THE SECRET LIVES OF TEENS: SEX and DRUGS.
I will admit, the following does not apply to ALL TEENS. There are exactly 62% of kids that the majority of this blog DOES NOT APPLY. However, the parents of the other 38% need to take your kids immediately to a priest, shrink, witch doctor or anyone with the ability to remove demons from one's soul. You people are the unproud parents of the bad apples. As a matter of fact, why don't you go grab a drink and take a moment to yourself before we continue, this may not be easy. I'll wait.........Ok, you there? Good. Remember, there is no reason to keel over just yet. These are teens. There is plenty of time to make positive changes during these formative years. But there is also time for your child to master the art of pole dancing. So, without further delay, let's examine some issues we may or may not already know. But know this, they need to be addressed.
Sex - I don't know if it's in the water or the tons of Flaming Hot chips these kids are eating, but they are taking this whole sex drive thing to new heights. About half of teens 15 to 19 admit to having sex. Over half admit to having oral sex. DAMN! Is sex ed being taught by Joe Francis and his Girls Gone Wild videos? The sad thing is that a lot of teens don't think this is a big deal. More kids than ever are even being caught performing sex acts at school. Straight, gay, bi...It's all in your local high school. Don't believe Kris The Critic...Here is a novel idea ask your teen. Hell, ask ANY teen. To solve this conundrum would take 400 years of research and cost $878 trillion dollars. So, I'll say this...When your teen starts to walk around like they are paying some bills with a stank attitude - THIS MAYBE A SIGN OF PREMATITAL SEX. SMACK THE CRAP out of them and say "You betta not bring no damn babies up in here, cause I ain't takin' care of them". Can I get an amen!
Drugs - Whoever didn't sip a lil cheap wine before the age of 21, raise your hand. Now, stop reading this and leave the room. You are a saint and do not need to be reading this filth as the Man above made you perfect. Back to the rest of us...Today's teen is neither from a drinking generation or a marijuana generation. They are a "whatever-i-can-get-my-hands-on" generation. Most teens are already dim witted. Couple their natural propensity to do dumb sh#$ with a far too frequent drug habit and you get record numbers of teens dropping out of school. Let's perform a litmus test. Ask your teen how easy is it to get weed or whatever at school. At least in our day, the dope man wandered the neighborhood. Now the dope man is sitting in Algebra!
Again, Kris The Critic is a servant to the people. Those of us blessed with children have to responsibility to keep our boys out of jail and our girls off of the stripper's pole. So the next time your teen even looks like they are about to get out of line, give 'em a nice old fashioned back hand (open fist of course). It worked for grandma.
Good Luck with your bad ass kids,
Kris The Critic
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Planning For Your Funeral
I'm ba-a-a-a-a-a-ck,
I already know what you're thinking, "I could give a rats' ass what happens when the grim reaper comes for me". Hell, most of us will be glad that we can finally say "screw it" to all unpaid bills. However, if you are even mildly interested in your legacy, it would behoove you to spend just a little time to give some thought to a few logistics prior to that inevitable day. Ya'll get it yet? No? Let me try this another way...I am sure 100% of KRIS THE CRITIC readers will be in the VIP line for the Pearly Gates. However, there is a chance that some of us should pay a wee bit of attention to some of the skeletons that may be in our closets. Ahhh...Can you smell me now? (I love saying that).
Now everyone don't get your panties in a bunch. Relax. It's not that bad. Ok, maybe it is for about 5% of you little devils. Even KRIS THE CRITIC is powerless to make rapists and child molesters be looked upon as anything but scum until the end of time. Sorry losers. For the rest of us in the 95 percentile, there is some damage control we can do to protect how future generations will remember us. So, all of you liars, gossipers, philanderers and any other sinners (wow, I guess that's just about all of us, huh) - cop a squat and grab a pen and pad. Your favorite scribe is about to drop practical knowledge. Oh, for all my literarily challenged (I think that's a word) - A philanderer is a cheater. Not only do you get a great blog, but I even threw in a word for the day.
So, without further delay, here are a five things to do (in no particular order) so your friends and family don't cuss your name for eternity.
Get A Life Insurance Policy - Nothing pisses off a family more than when they have to take up a collection to bury a person who they could barely stand in the first place. I'm not saying you have to leave anybody rich, but at least try to pay for your own pine box.
Do Not Die On A Holiday or Loved One's Birthday - You don't want the kids to grow up hating Christmas do you? Barring a sudden death like a car accident, this can be accomplished. If you are terminally ill, just tell the family to keep you plugged up to a respirator until midnight of the next day.
Deal With Your Illegitimate Kids - Hey, shit happens right? But Jeez, 5 other people should not be falling on the casket screaming "I'mma miss my daddy!"
Tell Your Homies To Handle The Mistress - If the funeral is on Saturday, make sure the side-piece thinks it on a Sunday. There is no need for a fight to break out on such an occasion. Besides, it ruins the repast conversation after the funeral.
Remove The 1st Wife As A Beneficiary - How many times have we seen women "come up" on work or survivor benefits because this idiot didn't up update his records. This is a sure way to get any current girlfriend, caregiver, or everyone else remember you as a loser.
Kris The Critic is not a nice guy, but I'm fair. Heed my advice and maybe one day, future generations will smile when your name is mentioned. Otherwise, your name will will become "That no good mother------ ____________"!
Additions?
Until next time,
KRIS THE CRITIC
I already know what you're thinking, "I could give a rats' ass what happens when the grim reaper comes for me". Hell, most of us will be glad that we can finally say "screw it" to all unpaid bills. However, if you are even mildly interested in your legacy, it would behoove you to spend just a little time to give some thought to a few logistics prior to that inevitable day. Ya'll get it yet? No? Let me try this another way...I am sure 100% of KRIS THE CRITIC readers will be in the VIP line for the Pearly Gates. However, there is a chance that some of us should pay a wee bit of attention to some of the skeletons that may be in our closets. Ahhh...Can you smell me now? (I love saying that).
Now everyone don't get your panties in a bunch. Relax. It's not that bad. Ok, maybe it is for about 5% of you little devils. Even KRIS THE CRITIC is powerless to make rapists and child molesters be looked upon as anything but scum until the end of time. Sorry losers. For the rest of us in the 95 percentile, there is some damage control we can do to protect how future generations will remember us. So, all of you liars, gossipers, philanderers and any other sinners (wow, I guess that's just about all of us, huh) - cop a squat and grab a pen and pad. Your favorite scribe is about to drop practical knowledge. Oh, for all my literarily challenged (I think that's a word) - A philanderer is a cheater. Not only do you get a great blog, but I even threw in a word for the day.
So, without further delay, here are a five things to do (in no particular order) so your friends and family don't cuss your name for eternity.
Get A Life Insurance Policy - Nothing pisses off a family more than when they have to take up a collection to bury a person who they could barely stand in the first place. I'm not saying you have to leave anybody rich, but at least try to pay for your own pine box.
Do Not Die On A Holiday or Loved One's Birthday - You don't want the kids to grow up hating Christmas do you? Barring a sudden death like a car accident, this can be accomplished. If you are terminally ill, just tell the family to keep you plugged up to a respirator until midnight of the next day.
Deal With Your Illegitimate Kids - Hey, shit happens right? But Jeez, 5 other people should not be falling on the casket screaming "I'mma miss my daddy!"
Tell Your Homies To Handle The Mistress - If the funeral is on Saturday, make sure the side-piece thinks it on a Sunday. There is no need for a fight to break out on such an occasion. Besides, it ruins the repast conversation after the funeral.
Remove The 1st Wife As A Beneficiary - How many times have we seen women "come up" on work or survivor benefits because this idiot didn't up update his records. This is a sure way to get any current girlfriend, caregiver, or everyone else remember you as a loser.
Kris The Critic is not a nice guy, but I'm fair. Heed my advice and maybe one day, future generations will smile when your name is mentioned. Otherwise, your name will will become "That no good mother------ ____________"!
Additions?
Until next time,
KRIS THE CRITIC
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