Welcome Back Friends,
Today we are all going to take an introspective view at a vital part of our very existence. I don't care if you haven't taken an iota of interest in any of my past work. This is one to grow on. I know what you're thinking - "I come to this place as a vacation from the real world and now this dude thinks he's some sort of deep philosopher". Well screw you....Ok, that was harsh. As a matter of fact, you are right. I can be an butt-head most times, but somebody has gotta do it. This world can eat you alive. Sometimes, you need to hear "the real" from a mo-fo like me...And admit it, my incessant rants usually have some substance buried down deep. Right? Thanks for the compliment. These are uncertain financial times. KRIS THE CRITIC is about to explore what is affectionately called "The Side Hustle"
Today's lesson is about the almighty dollar. Now, before any religious zealots get on their high horse, I'm shooting the horse in the leg. Money is not the root of all evil. Evil people are...Ok, religion class is over. Seriously, I am simply saying most material things we desire i.e. school, vacations, family, drinking, cars, clothes require moola. Long gone are the days we can work, raise a family, retire and live happily ever after without much worry. This blog is for everyone from my minimum wage brothers and sisters to my six-figure so-called ballers. We need to plan for the future people. Now don't get all sad thinking about all the savings you don't have or all the money you've "tricked-off" in your life....Ding! Ding! Ding! - For those not familiar with urban lingo, to trick off means to waste. That's your word of the week. Now go practice it among your friends. They'll think you are really cool. Ok, back to the matter at hand. Here just a few ways you can up your financial status if you lack the brains and capital to launch the next Facebook or Google.
Sell some old "stuff" - The digital world is filled with people who value old crap at cheap prices. The internet has made it possible to have the entire world come to your garage sale. While you're at it, ask friends for stuff they don't want and sell it...Don't be ashamed, everyone respects a side gig.
Make a drink - Instead of always being the bar fly, get paid for making cocktails for your fellow pub patrons. Invite all your friends, get them super tipsy and cha-ching! Bartenders also get to sip a few freebies. Hmmm, I think this is the side hustle for yours truly.
Watch some rugrats - For those of you not on any sex offender list, this one is a winner. You don't have to be super smart either. As long as you can play an Elmo DVD, prepare some food, and recognize if a kid isn't breathing - you can do this. There are no lack of employment opportunities here either. Every parent could always use a reliable baby-sitter from time to time.
Write a blog - All you have to do to make tons of money is &#*Q#)&$&@)Q)*#* - Oops. Sorry folks, This is the official side hustle of KRIS THE CRITIC. Until I've become a millionaire entertaining you guys I can't give away the secret (insert expletives here).
Charge people for your hobbies - For those of you who have real tangible skills i.e. taxes, hair, cooking, etc...LET PEOPLE KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY TO PROVIDE YOUR SERVICES FOR A FAIR FEE. Learn to tell friends and relatives that you will be pimped no more. Hmmm...You know what, I think I'll start charging for advice.
Well, I hope I have helped a few people that all does not begin nor end with your regular 9 to 5. Be creative and get paid. SO, WHAT'S YOUR SIDE HUSTLE?
KRIS THE CRITIC
Monday, September 6, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
"The Plan" for Single Women
Welcome Back Truth Seekers,
Most of the time I tend to philosophize on matters that are entertaining, debatable, or outright random. Today, KRIS THE CRITIC a.k.a. The Chicago Scribe is going to channel his inner philanthropist. No, I am not going to give away millions like Bill Gates or Warren Buffet. Why not? Because that's just plain ole dumb. That blog, "Lunacy in America" is for another day. I am actually going to give practical advice to single women who are in search of a meaningful relationship. Wow!, "Chicago Scribe" that has a nice ring to it - I just thought it up. What do you think???...Hmmm...Sorry about that. I sometimes digress when I write while sipping a fine cognac - In moderation of course. Fellas, don't stop reading! Sure, the blog has a chick title....BUT, has KRIS THE CRITIC ever let you down?
Ok ladies, enough of my pre-advice ranting. I am all yours. Unlike other areas of your life, "getting a man" requires a different strategy. Trust me, your past successes in school, work, church, the strip club, or whatever required devising a plan. Plans are good in about 94% +/- .5% of everything you do in life. Not here. I know this because I am a relationship expert. My accolades are written in the diaries of tons of ex-girlfriends. But, I am now happily retired (hi honey). Ok, here is "the plan" to the $50,000 question - "Why so many women are struggling to land Mr. Right?"....THE PLAN TO LANDING MR. RIGHT IS TO HAVE NO PLAN. Seriously, men love planning tons of things. But for a chick we just recently thought about hooking up with - It's like asking Louis Farrakhan if he would like a BLT.
As I have said a thousand times, "Men are simple creatures". Plans scare us. Save that until after you have duped us into marriage...lol. Until then, throw your "gotta have in a man list" out the darn window. Here is a partial list of the "no-plan":
1. Try things you don't normally do - If your normal routine(s) have yielded nothing for the past 10 years, you gotta mix it up. Join a co-ed sports league, take a dance class, join a professional organization or cause. Get off your fat duff and do something different.
2. Check yourself - This means get rid of that previously mentioned list. Following it will keep you single. All it does is find fault in potential mates. Women LOVE to point out why they won't date a man. Too fat, too short, wrong career...his birthday falls on Halloween. It's silly. Most women have a hard time pointing out their own flaws. Am I lying?
3. Get some new friends - I'm not saying lose your regular pals. However, if most of your crew constantly complains about not having a man - for (insert any reason you can think of here) - then you need to be-friend some women who have made the transition to from the single life to wifee. They aren't all just lucky.
4. Stay young - This is in spirit. If you and a potential man are in the "get to know each other stage", keep it light. Don't act so cold. Don't be cruel (shout out to Bobby Brown - the lyrics to that song are on point). As a matter of fact, do the opposite. Act bubbly and naive - slightly dumb on certain topics. We love that.
5. Date some different types of men - Most women (because of their list) usually end up with the same type of losers. Switch it up. I'm not saying go date Shrek...just try giving someone with traits not on your list a little attention. You'd be amazed at what you'll see.
Ok, ladies...and fellas who made it to the end - that's a wrap. Any more advice is going to cost you. Now, get off the computer and find a man. So, is KRIS THE CRITIC's advice on "no plan" the real stuff? or full or stuff?
Most of the time I tend to philosophize on matters that are entertaining, debatable, or outright random. Today, KRIS THE CRITIC a.k.a. The Chicago Scribe is going to channel his inner philanthropist. No, I am not going to give away millions like Bill Gates or Warren Buffet. Why not? Because that's just plain ole dumb. That blog, "Lunacy in America" is for another day. I am actually going to give practical advice to single women who are in search of a meaningful relationship. Wow!, "Chicago Scribe" that has a nice ring to it - I just thought it up. What do you think???...Hmmm...Sorry about that. I sometimes digress when I write while sipping a fine cognac - In moderation of course. Fellas, don't stop reading! Sure, the blog has a chick title....BUT, has KRIS THE CRITIC ever let you down?
Ok ladies, enough of my pre-advice ranting. I am all yours. Unlike other areas of your life, "getting a man" requires a different strategy. Trust me, your past successes in school, work, church, the strip club, or whatever required devising a plan. Plans are good in about 94% +/- .5% of everything you do in life. Not here. I know this because I am a relationship expert. My accolades are written in the diaries of tons of ex-girlfriends. But, I am now happily retired (hi honey). Ok, here is "the plan" to the $50,000 question - "Why so many women are struggling to land Mr. Right?"....THE PLAN TO LANDING MR. RIGHT IS TO HAVE NO PLAN. Seriously, men love planning tons of things. But for a chick we just recently thought about hooking up with - It's like asking Louis Farrakhan if he would like a BLT.
As I have said a thousand times, "Men are simple creatures". Plans scare us. Save that until after you have duped us into marriage...lol. Until then, throw your "gotta have in a man list" out the darn window. Here is a partial list of the "no-plan":
1. Try things you don't normally do - If your normal routine(s) have yielded nothing for the past 10 years, you gotta mix it up. Join a co-ed sports league, take a dance class, join a professional organization or cause. Get off your fat duff and do something different.
2. Check yourself - This means get rid of that previously mentioned list. Following it will keep you single. All it does is find fault in potential mates. Women LOVE to point out why they won't date a man. Too fat, too short, wrong career...his birthday falls on Halloween. It's silly. Most women have a hard time pointing out their own flaws. Am I lying?
3. Get some new friends - I'm not saying lose your regular pals. However, if most of your crew constantly complains about not having a man - for (insert any reason you can think of here) - then you need to be-friend some women who have made the transition to from the single life to wifee. They aren't all just lucky.
4. Stay young - This is in spirit. If you and a potential man are in the "get to know each other stage", keep it light. Don't act so cold. Don't be cruel (shout out to Bobby Brown - the lyrics to that song are on point). As a matter of fact, do the opposite. Act bubbly and naive - slightly dumb on certain topics. We love that.
5. Date some different types of men - Most women (because of their list) usually end up with the same type of losers. Switch it up. I'm not saying go date Shrek...just try giving someone with traits not on your list a little attention. You'd be amazed at what you'll see.
Ok, ladies...and fellas who made it to the end - that's a wrap. Any more advice is going to cost you. Now, get off the computer and find a man. So, is KRIS THE CRITIC's advice on "no plan" the real stuff? or full or stuff?
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Why Husbands Can Be Such Jerks
Greetings from the mind of Kris The Critic,
I must be getting soft as a baby's tush to even consider writing a soft piece like this. Kris The Critic is a hardcore writer. I could have easily loaded my 38 spun the barrel and played a little Russian roulette, because this is suicide. Kris The Critic is actually caving in to the whims of my married female readers. However, I will gladly comply because they are ones who will eventually buy my book when it's released. Sorry fellas, but you guys only read gossip and sports headlines at most. Hell, most of y'all can't even read. Therefore, I am about to sell out. Instead of raving about the good deeds of my fraternity of married brethren, I am about to decipher why many wives, at times, consider their soul mates....uhhh...well...a-holes. Yep, I'm talking about every wife except mine. Right sweetheart? Because I'm perfect right? Honey? Did you hear me? Oh well...
I will attempt to explain why we sometimes can be perceived as such nefarious creatures. How? you ask...I did a random sampling of 497 married women from various walks of life. Though my sample size was not large (when you think about the number of married women in the world), the results were statistically significant. Why? Because I say so. Besides, anyone who interviews more than 500 women in a row will die instantly of EEB (Excessive Exposure to Blah-Blah-Blah...). There were various ages, races, religions, and backgrounds represented. However, these women shared a common thread in their lives. For centuries, they have wrestled with a similar conundrum in every language imaginable. "Why Husbands Can Be Such Jerks?" The following list represents the top complaints of married women.
1. Complaint - Why does my husband think after we argue like cats and dogs he can expect some good loving?
KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - Because a friggin' argument has NADA to do with a man's fundamental need to "get it in". It's in our DNA. That's like saying "Ok, I'm upset with you, so you can't eat". That's murder. Same with sex. Therefore, a man should be sentenced to death because he made you mad. I didn't think so. Wives, go find your wedding video, find your hubby, apologize and give him some.
2. Complaint - My husband is a procrastinator, I ask him to do or fix something and it takes him forever.
KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - This is simple misperception on your part. We are simply giving you time to make sure this is request is different from requests 1 through 4. You see, we realize that it a woman's prerogative to change her mind on a whim. Rather, than make you go through the headache of having us perform a different task, we simply wait until you feel absolute about the tasks ahead of us. See how considerate we are?
3. Complaint - My husband wants me to be submissive, but then wants me to do everything.
KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - That's what slaves are for! I just had to throw that in to see if you were paying attention. Seriously, we (men) are just simple creatures. We like to "think" we are in control. Figure out how and what you need done and make him "think" it was his idea. Sneaky, I know. But, he's not that bright and a little extra work wont hurt him. Whatever you need to get done, make him think its his idea.
4. Complaint - He wastes money, but questions my spending habits.
KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - Seriously, the needs of married men are a lot less than for a single man and just the opposite of a married woman. Our needs are pretty simple. Here is the complete list of things we are accused of wasting money on (all 497 women shared this response)...Beer and Food. So pardon us, when we see a $1000 purse, yes we do think we are entitled to a treat here and there. Give him plenty of beer, food and sex very often and he won't question much at all!
5. Complaint - My husband seems to be more patient with his buddies than me.
KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - That's not true at all. As most men know, their friends aren't the most complex creatures to begin with, so we treat each other accordingly. The reason we married men treat each other so well is because we are usually enjoying a nice frosty beverage while we hang with our buds. Solution, wives, always show up with food and beer. I guarantee you he will be most excited every time you enter the room.
So you see ladies, your husband is not being a jerk. He's just being....a man. Use these tips to your advantage. They will go a long way. Good Luck....Oh, don't worry about him reading this blog. It's too long for a guy to actually read.
Until next time,
KRIS THE CRITIC
I must be getting soft as a baby's tush to even consider writing a soft piece like this. Kris The Critic is a hardcore writer. I could have easily loaded my 38 spun the barrel and played a little Russian roulette, because this is suicide. Kris The Critic is actually caving in to the whims of my married female readers. However, I will gladly comply because they are ones who will eventually buy my book when it's released. Sorry fellas, but you guys only read gossip and sports headlines at most. Hell, most of y'all can't even read. Therefore, I am about to sell out. Instead of raving about the good deeds of my fraternity of married brethren, I am about to decipher why many wives, at times, consider their soul mates....uhhh...well...a-holes. Yep, I'm talking about every wife except mine. Right sweetheart? Because I'm perfect right? Honey? Did you hear me? Oh well...
I will attempt to explain why we sometimes can be perceived as such nefarious creatures. How? you ask...I did a random sampling of 497 married women from various walks of life. Though my sample size was not large (when you think about the number of married women in the world), the results were statistically significant. Why? Because I say so. Besides, anyone who interviews more than 500 women in a row will die instantly of EEB (Excessive Exposure to Blah-Blah-Blah...). There were various ages, races, religions, and backgrounds represented. However, these women shared a common thread in their lives. For centuries, they have wrestled with a similar conundrum in every language imaginable. "Why Husbands Can Be Such Jerks?" The following list represents the top complaints of married women.
1. Complaint - Why does my husband think after we argue like cats and dogs he can expect some good loving?
KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - Because a friggin' argument has NADA to do with a man's fundamental need to "get it in". It's in our DNA. That's like saying "Ok, I'm upset with you, so you can't eat". That's murder. Same with sex. Therefore, a man should be sentenced to death because he made you mad. I didn't think so. Wives, go find your wedding video, find your hubby, apologize and give him some.
2. Complaint - My husband is a procrastinator, I ask him to do or fix something and it takes him forever.
KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - This is simple misperception on your part. We are simply giving you time to make sure this is request is different from requests 1 through 4. You see, we realize that it a woman's prerogative to change her mind on a whim. Rather, than make you go through the headache of having us perform a different task, we simply wait until you feel absolute about the tasks ahead of us. See how considerate we are?
3. Complaint - My husband wants me to be submissive, but then wants me to do everything.
KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - That's what slaves are for! I just had to throw that in to see if you were paying attention. Seriously, we (men) are just simple creatures. We like to "think" we are in control. Figure out how and what you need done and make him "think" it was his idea. Sneaky, I know. But, he's not that bright and a little extra work wont hurt him. Whatever you need to get done, make him think its his idea.
4. Complaint - He wastes money, but questions my spending habits.
KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - Seriously, the needs of married men are a lot less than for a single man and just the opposite of a married woman. Our needs are pretty simple. Here is the complete list of things we are accused of wasting money on (all 497 women shared this response)...Beer and Food. So pardon us, when we see a $1000 purse, yes we do think we are entitled to a treat here and there. Give him plenty of beer, food and sex very often and he won't question much at all!
5. Complaint - My husband seems to be more patient with his buddies than me.
KRIS THE CRITIC SOLUTION - That's not true at all. As most men know, their friends aren't the most complex creatures to begin with, so we treat each other accordingly. The reason we married men treat each other so well is because we are usually enjoying a nice frosty beverage while we hang with our buds. Solution, wives, always show up with food and beer. I guarantee you he will be most excited every time you enter the room.
So you see ladies, your husband is not being a jerk. He's just being....a man. Use these tips to your advantage. They will go a long way. Good Luck....Oh, don't worry about him reading this blog. It's too long for a guy to actually read.
Until next time,
KRIS THE CRITIC
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Don't Let Your Kids Blow Smoke Up Your Ass
Hello Faithful Followers,
This blog is dedicated to all parents who have those beings called teenagers. This piece is actually filled with useful information. But then again, all of my blogs are. I do realize that these beautiful creatures are angels in our eyes (take a moment to think about yours - ahhhhh). Know this - THEY ARE ALL FULL OF SHIT!. Yea, I said it. Unfortunately, Kris The Critic may move a couple notches down from your number 1 blogger spot. So, after you curse me, make sure to thank me. Now, don't start the hate mail yet because I called your kids turds. I actually have some myself. I bought them yesterday and at times, I want to return them as well. But we are stuck with them. Therefore, we must arm ourselves with knowledge. Even though most of us used to be teenagers, the game is changing at warp speed people. Parents need to know more than a few cool phrases like "That's sick" or "He's a beast" to really know what's going on. THIS IS A PEEK INTO THE SECRET LIVES OF TEENS: SEX and DRUGS.
I will admit, the following does not apply to ALL TEENS. There are exactly 62% of kids that the majority of this blog DOES NOT APPLY. However, the parents of the other 38% need to take your kids immediately to a priest, shrink, witch doctor or anyone with the ability to remove demons from one's soul. You people are the unproud parents of the bad apples. As a matter of fact, why don't you go grab a drink and take a moment to yourself before we continue, this may not be easy. I'll wait.........Ok, you there? Good. Remember, there is no reason to keel over just yet. These are teens. There is plenty of time to make positive changes during these formative years. But there is also time for your child to master the art of pole dancing. So, without further delay, let's examine some issues we may or may not already know. But know this, they need to be addressed.
Sex - I don't know if it's in the water or the tons of Flaming Hot chips these kids are eating, but they are taking this whole sex drive thing to new heights. About half of teens 15 to 19 admit to having sex. Over half admit to having oral sex. DAMN! Is sex ed being taught by Joe Francis and his Girls Gone Wild videos? The sad thing is that a lot of teens don't think this is a big deal. More kids than ever are even being caught performing sex acts at school. Straight, gay, bi...It's all in your local high school. Don't believe Kris The Critic...Here is a novel idea ask your teen. Hell, ask ANY teen. To solve this conundrum would take 400 years of research and cost $878 trillion dollars. So, I'll say this...When your teen starts to walk around like they are paying some bills with a stank attitude - THIS MAYBE A SIGN OF PREMATITAL SEX. SMACK THE CRAP out of them and say "You betta not bring no damn babies up in here, cause I ain't takin' care of them". Can I get an amen!
Drugs - Whoever didn't sip a lil cheap wine before the age of 21, raise your hand. Now, stop reading this and leave the room. You are a saint and do not need to be reading this filth as the Man above made you perfect. Back to the rest of us...Today's teen is neither from a drinking generation or a marijuana generation. They are a "whatever-i-can-get-my-hands-on" generation. Most teens are already dim witted. Couple their natural propensity to do dumb sh#$ with a far too frequent drug habit and you get record numbers of teens dropping out of school. Let's perform a litmus test. Ask your teen how easy is it to get weed or whatever at school. At least in our day, the dope man wandered the neighborhood. Now the dope man is sitting in Algebra!
Again, Kris The Critic is a servant to the people. Those of us blessed with children have to responsibility to keep our boys out of jail and our girls off of the stripper's pole. So the next time your teen even looks like they are about to get out of line, give 'em a nice old fashioned back hand (open fist of course). It worked for grandma.
Good Luck with your bad ass kids,
Kris The Critic
This blog is dedicated to all parents who have those beings called teenagers. This piece is actually filled with useful information. But then again, all of my blogs are. I do realize that these beautiful creatures are angels in our eyes (take a moment to think about yours - ahhhhh). Know this - THEY ARE ALL FULL OF SHIT!. Yea, I said it. Unfortunately, Kris The Critic may move a couple notches down from your number 1 blogger spot. So, after you curse me, make sure to thank me. Now, don't start the hate mail yet because I called your kids turds. I actually have some myself. I bought them yesterday and at times, I want to return them as well. But we are stuck with them. Therefore, we must arm ourselves with knowledge. Even though most of us used to be teenagers, the game is changing at warp speed people. Parents need to know more than a few cool phrases like "That's sick" or "He's a beast" to really know what's going on. THIS IS A PEEK INTO THE SECRET LIVES OF TEENS: SEX and DRUGS.
I will admit, the following does not apply to ALL TEENS. There are exactly 62% of kids that the majority of this blog DOES NOT APPLY. However, the parents of the other 38% need to take your kids immediately to a priest, shrink, witch doctor or anyone with the ability to remove demons from one's soul. You people are the unproud parents of the bad apples. As a matter of fact, why don't you go grab a drink and take a moment to yourself before we continue, this may not be easy. I'll wait.........Ok, you there? Good. Remember, there is no reason to keel over just yet. These are teens. There is plenty of time to make positive changes during these formative years. But there is also time for your child to master the art of pole dancing. So, without further delay, let's examine some issues we may or may not already know. But know this, they need to be addressed.
Sex - I don't know if it's in the water or the tons of Flaming Hot chips these kids are eating, but they are taking this whole sex drive thing to new heights. About half of teens 15 to 19 admit to having sex. Over half admit to having oral sex. DAMN! Is sex ed being taught by Joe Francis and his Girls Gone Wild videos? The sad thing is that a lot of teens don't think this is a big deal. More kids than ever are even being caught performing sex acts at school. Straight, gay, bi...It's all in your local high school. Don't believe Kris The Critic...Here is a novel idea ask your teen. Hell, ask ANY teen. To solve this conundrum would take 400 years of research and cost $878 trillion dollars. So, I'll say this...When your teen starts to walk around like they are paying some bills with a stank attitude - THIS MAYBE A SIGN OF PREMATITAL SEX. SMACK THE CRAP out of them and say "You betta not bring no damn babies up in here, cause I ain't takin' care of them". Can I get an amen!
Drugs - Whoever didn't sip a lil cheap wine before the age of 21, raise your hand. Now, stop reading this and leave the room. You are a saint and do not need to be reading this filth as the Man above made you perfect. Back to the rest of us...Today's teen is neither from a drinking generation or a marijuana generation. They are a "whatever-i-can-get-my-hands-on" generation. Most teens are already dim witted. Couple their natural propensity to do dumb sh#$ with a far too frequent drug habit and you get record numbers of teens dropping out of school. Let's perform a litmus test. Ask your teen how easy is it to get weed or whatever at school. At least in our day, the dope man wandered the neighborhood. Now the dope man is sitting in Algebra!
Again, Kris The Critic is a servant to the people. Those of us blessed with children have to responsibility to keep our boys out of jail and our girls off of the stripper's pole. So the next time your teen even looks like they are about to get out of line, give 'em a nice old fashioned back hand (open fist of course). It worked for grandma.
Good Luck with your bad ass kids,
Kris The Critic
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Planning For Your Funeral
I'm ba-a-a-a-a-a-ck,
I already know what you're thinking, "I could give a rats' ass what happens when the grim reaper comes for me". Hell, most of us will be glad that we can finally say "screw it" to all unpaid bills. However, if you are even mildly interested in your legacy, it would behoove you to spend just a little time to give some thought to a few logistics prior to that inevitable day. Ya'll get it yet? No? Let me try this another way...I am sure 100% of KRIS THE CRITIC readers will be in the VIP line for the Pearly Gates. However, there is a chance that some of us should pay a wee bit of attention to some of the skeletons that may be in our closets. Ahhh...Can you smell me now? (I love saying that).
Now everyone don't get your panties in a bunch. Relax. It's not that bad. Ok, maybe it is for about 5% of you little devils. Even KRIS THE CRITIC is powerless to make rapists and child molesters be looked upon as anything but scum until the end of time. Sorry losers. For the rest of us in the 95 percentile, there is some damage control we can do to protect how future generations will remember us. So, all of you liars, gossipers, philanderers and any other sinners (wow, I guess that's just about all of us, huh) - cop a squat and grab a pen and pad. Your favorite scribe is about to drop practical knowledge. Oh, for all my literarily challenged (I think that's a word) - A philanderer is a cheater. Not only do you get a great blog, but I even threw in a word for the day.
So, without further delay, here are a five things to do (in no particular order) so your friends and family don't cuss your name for eternity.
Get A Life Insurance Policy - Nothing pisses off a family more than when they have to take up a collection to bury a person who they could barely stand in the first place. I'm not saying you have to leave anybody rich, but at least try to pay for your own pine box.
Do Not Die On A Holiday or Loved One's Birthday - You don't want the kids to grow up hating Christmas do you? Barring a sudden death like a car accident, this can be accomplished. If you are terminally ill, just tell the family to keep you plugged up to a respirator until midnight of the next day.
Deal With Your Illegitimate Kids - Hey, shit happens right? But Jeez, 5 other people should not be falling on the casket screaming "I'mma miss my daddy!"
Tell Your Homies To Handle The Mistress - If the funeral is on Saturday, make sure the side-piece thinks it on a Sunday. There is no need for a fight to break out on such an occasion. Besides, it ruins the repast conversation after the funeral.
Remove The 1st Wife As A Beneficiary - How many times have we seen women "come up" on work or survivor benefits because this idiot didn't up update his records. This is a sure way to get any current girlfriend, caregiver, or everyone else remember you as a loser.
Kris The Critic is not a nice guy, but I'm fair. Heed my advice and maybe one day, future generations will smile when your name is mentioned. Otherwise, your name will will become "That no good mother------ ____________"!
Additions?
Until next time,
KRIS THE CRITIC
I already know what you're thinking, "I could give a rats' ass what happens when the grim reaper comes for me". Hell, most of us will be glad that we can finally say "screw it" to all unpaid bills. However, if you are even mildly interested in your legacy, it would behoove you to spend just a little time to give some thought to a few logistics prior to that inevitable day. Ya'll get it yet? No? Let me try this another way...I am sure 100% of KRIS THE CRITIC readers will be in the VIP line for the Pearly Gates. However, there is a chance that some of us should pay a wee bit of attention to some of the skeletons that may be in our closets. Ahhh...Can you smell me now? (I love saying that).
Now everyone don't get your panties in a bunch. Relax. It's not that bad. Ok, maybe it is for about 5% of you little devils. Even KRIS THE CRITIC is powerless to make rapists and child molesters be looked upon as anything but scum until the end of time. Sorry losers. For the rest of us in the 95 percentile, there is some damage control we can do to protect how future generations will remember us. So, all of you liars, gossipers, philanderers and any other sinners (wow, I guess that's just about all of us, huh) - cop a squat and grab a pen and pad. Your favorite scribe is about to drop practical knowledge. Oh, for all my literarily challenged (I think that's a word) - A philanderer is a cheater. Not only do you get a great blog, but I even threw in a word for the day.
So, without further delay, here are a five things to do (in no particular order) so your friends and family don't cuss your name for eternity.
Get A Life Insurance Policy - Nothing pisses off a family more than when they have to take up a collection to bury a person who they could barely stand in the first place. I'm not saying you have to leave anybody rich, but at least try to pay for your own pine box.
Do Not Die On A Holiday or Loved One's Birthday - You don't want the kids to grow up hating Christmas do you? Barring a sudden death like a car accident, this can be accomplished. If you are terminally ill, just tell the family to keep you plugged up to a respirator until midnight of the next day.
Deal With Your Illegitimate Kids - Hey, shit happens right? But Jeez, 5 other people should not be falling on the casket screaming "I'mma miss my daddy!"
Tell Your Homies To Handle The Mistress - If the funeral is on Saturday, make sure the side-piece thinks it on a Sunday. There is no need for a fight to break out on such an occasion. Besides, it ruins the repast conversation after the funeral.
Remove The 1st Wife As A Beneficiary - How many times have we seen women "come up" on work or survivor benefits because this idiot didn't up update his records. This is a sure way to get any current girlfriend, caregiver, or everyone else remember you as a loser.
Kris The Critic is not a nice guy, but I'm fair. Heed my advice and maybe one day, future generations will smile when your name is mentioned. Otherwise, your name will will become "That no good mother------ ____________"!
Additions?
Until next time,
KRIS THE CRITIC
Monday, April 5, 2010
The Celebrity Write-Up - 1st Edition
Knock Knock - Who's There? - Ima - Ima who? -
IMA CELEBRITY SO I CAN DO WHAT THE F@#$ I WANNA DO!
Hello faithful followers,
KRIS THE CRITIC has finally given in to the pressure. I have wilted like a china rose in the Las Vegas desert sun. I am about to give it up quicker than a groupie gives it up to an NBA player. The world's most fearless writer is about to break a coveted oath made to himself when legend of KRIS THE CRITIC began. I am crossing a line that I promised I would never cross. May the Woman above forgive me for my actions, I know not what I do. I am about to...(I'm actually shedding a tear over here). I am about to...BLOG ABOUT CELEBRITIES.
Whew. I said it. Before I begin, let me wipe my eyes. Between typing, I'm cutting up some onions for my world famous Guacamole. (You guys didn't really think the scribe of steel would be shedding tears of sadness did you?). So, what's the big deal? The big deal is this "I HATE WRITING ABOUT CELEBRITIES BECAUSE EVERYONE DOES IT!" There is as much creativity in that as there is originality in hip-hop made after the year 2000. So, why am I doing it? Well, my faithful followers have been asking for it and your wish is my command.....NOT! The real reason is that Celebrities are straight TRIPPIN'. I thought I'd done some crazy S#^$ in my life(that's a blog for another day). The following folks by their actions have been BEGGING me to "get down" on them.
THERE ARE ABOUT 50 CELEBRITY F-UPS I NEED TO ADDRESS. HOWEVER, I CAN'T FOCUS LONG ENOUGH TO ADDRESS ALL OF THEM. I'LL ADDRESS ABOUT 5 DIMWITS PER CELEBRITY EDITION,
So, without delay, here is a partial list of Celebrities who are just plain goofy, as exhibited by some of their asanine antics.
Gilbert Arenas - alias Agent Zero now known as the founder of "Bring Your Gun To Work Day". He is just a f%$*#@% idiot. In the midst of a $111 million contract (yes, he's a nine figga n^@@& - this nut decides to bring a gun to work to settle a gambling debt with a teammate. Gilbert better pray that the good ole "moral clause" doesn't wipe out his fortune. Only in the NBA. Question - How can a dude named "Gilbert" think he's tough anyway?
Nikki Minaj - OK, I get it - you want to be the new Lil Kim. Granted, in the world of entertainment one must be eccentric, but I'm am just sick and tired of every new singer selling me porn in a song or video. I have a great bootleg video guy who can sell me the real thing when I'm in the mood. In her latest release with Usher "Lil Freak" - She boasts finding women at the club to have a menage a-trois with Usher Why didn't she just make her name Nicki 3some? Hmmmm...maybe I'm really a fan of Ms. Minaj,
Matthew Knowles aka "Matty Soprano"- Beyonce's Daddy is a wild dude. 1st, he pulls a mafia move and takes over Destiny's Child (hmmm...I'm surprised the ex-group members haven't had his ass popped yet - I know I would have) 2nd, he starts paying off radio stations NOT to play ex DC member Letoya Luckett's music. 3rd, he starts foolin' around with one of Beyonce's dancers...Now, at 58 years old he gets hit with an $8K a month child support suit. And folks, this is just what we know PUBLICLY, I'm sure there's a dead body or two laying around somewhere.
Tiger Woods Mistresses (ALL of them) - I hate to bring up the race card. BUT, everyone knows Tiger aka Cheetah wouldn't have had NEARLY as many problems if these lovers were African American women. They may have harrassed the hell out of him or had a couple of their girls thugged-out cousins pay him a visit. HOWEVER, they would not have screwed up any endorsement money. He could hired a friggin tribe of Atlanta's best strippers for the price he was payin' those dumb broads. TIGER, IF YOU ARE READING THIS PLEASE NOTE: SISTAS DO NOT LIKE MESSING UP THE MONEY STREAM.
The GOP (Grand Old Party aka Republicans) - KRIS THE CRITIC is not a politician. However, when you disrepect my boy Obama, I will get at you. This group of people seriously don't want all Americans to have access to quality health care. Why? the trillions of deficit the country is in? taxes? Well, I could give a rat's ass how much it cost. What's a few billion more if you're already down trillions? And taxes? Rich folks SHOULD be taxed more for getting rich in a system that constantly screws the poor. Warning: The next time Big O is speaking in session and one of you 105 year old farts interrupts him, I'm calling my Chi-town Englewood peeps to handle you.
Ok, people. It's a wrap. Who should be included in the next edition? Lil Wayne? Antoine Walker? Gabrielle Union?
Holla,
KRIS THE CRITIC
P.S.
I spared Tiger for now - I think I like Playa Tiger. He's now earned a new moniker....Instead of him a being a self described Cablinasian. He's now a Cablin-gg--
IMA CELEBRITY SO I CAN DO WHAT THE F@#$ I WANNA DO!
Hello faithful followers,
KRIS THE CRITIC has finally given in to the pressure. I have wilted like a china rose in the Las Vegas desert sun. I am about to give it up quicker than a groupie gives it up to an NBA player. The world's most fearless writer is about to break a coveted oath made to himself when legend of KRIS THE CRITIC began. I am crossing a line that I promised I would never cross. May the Woman above forgive me for my actions, I know not what I do. I am about to...(I'm actually shedding a tear over here). I am about to...BLOG ABOUT CELEBRITIES.
Whew. I said it. Before I begin, let me wipe my eyes. Between typing, I'm cutting up some onions for my world famous Guacamole. (You guys didn't really think the scribe of steel would be shedding tears of sadness did you?). So, what's the big deal? The big deal is this "I HATE WRITING ABOUT CELEBRITIES BECAUSE EVERYONE DOES IT!" There is as much creativity in that as there is originality in hip-hop made after the year 2000. So, why am I doing it? Well, my faithful followers have been asking for it and your wish is my command.....NOT! The real reason is that Celebrities are straight TRIPPIN'. I thought I'd done some crazy S#^$ in my life(that's a blog for another day). The following folks by their actions have been BEGGING me to "get down" on them.
THERE ARE ABOUT 50 CELEBRITY F-UPS I NEED TO ADDRESS. HOWEVER, I CAN'T FOCUS LONG ENOUGH TO ADDRESS ALL OF THEM. I'LL ADDRESS ABOUT 5 DIMWITS PER CELEBRITY EDITION,
So, without delay, here is a partial list of Celebrities who are just plain goofy, as exhibited by some of their asanine antics.
Gilbert Arenas - alias Agent Zero now known as the founder of "Bring Your Gun To Work Day". He is just a f%$*#@% idiot. In the midst of a $111 million contract (yes, he's a nine figga n^@@& - this nut decides to bring a gun to work to settle a gambling debt with a teammate. Gilbert better pray that the good ole "moral clause" doesn't wipe out his fortune. Only in the NBA. Question - How can a dude named "Gilbert" think he's tough anyway?
Nikki Minaj - OK, I get it - you want to be the new Lil Kim. Granted, in the world of entertainment one must be eccentric, but I'm am just sick and tired of every new singer selling me porn in a song or video. I have a great bootleg video guy who can sell me the real thing when I'm in the mood. In her latest release with Usher "Lil Freak" - She boasts finding women at the club to have a menage a-trois with Usher Why didn't she just make her name Nicki 3some? Hmmmm...maybe I'm really a fan of Ms. Minaj,
Matthew Knowles aka "Matty Soprano"- Beyonce's Daddy is a wild dude. 1st, he pulls a mafia move and takes over Destiny's Child (hmmm...I'm surprised the ex-group members haven't had his ass popped yet - I know I would have) 2nd, he starts paying off radio stations NOT to play ex DC member Letoya Luckett's music. 3rd, he starts foolin' around with one of Beyonce's dancers...Now, at 58 years old he gets hit with an $8K a month child support suit. And folks, this is just what we know PUBLICLY, I'm sure there's a dead body or two laying around somewhere.
Tiger Woods Mistresses (ALL of them) - I hate to bring up the race card. BUT, everyone knows Tiger aka Cheetah wouldn't have had NEARLY as many problems if these lovers were African American women. They may have harrassed the hell out of him or had a couple of their girls thugged-out cousins pay him a visit. HOWEVER, they would not have screwed up any endorsement money. He could hired a friggin tribe of Atlanta's best strippers for the price he was payin' those dumb broads. TIGER, IF YOU ARE READING THIS PLEASE NOTE: SISTAS DO NOT LIKE MESSING UP THE MONEY STREAM.
The GOP (Grand Old Party aka Republicans) - KRIS THE CRITIC is not a politician. However, when you disrepect my boy Obama, I will get at you. This group of people seriously don't want all Americans to have access to quality health care. Why? the trillions of deficit the country is in? taxes? Well, I could give a rat's ass how much it cost. What's a few billion more if you're already down trillions? And taxes? Rich folks SHOULD be taxed more for getting rich in a system that constantly screws the poor. Warning: The next time Big O is speaking in session and one of you 105 year old farts interrupts him, I'm calling my Chi-town Englewood peeps to handle you.
Ok, people. It's a wrap. Who should be included in the next edition? Lil Wayne? Antoine Walker? Gabrielle Union?
Holla,
KRIS THE CRITIC
P.S.
I spared Tiger for now - I think I like Playa Tiger. He's now earned a new moniker....Instead of him a being a self described Cablinasian. He's now a Cablin-gg--
Saturday, March 20, 2010
The Mistress
Hello people,
Today's topic is dedicated to the no-good men of the world (hey, they need advice too - plus this is funny stuff). It centers around what seemingly seems to be a person of growing interest around the country, the Mistress. For all of us who tend to interpret the English language in a fashion that suits our particular desires, here is the Merriam-Webster definition of a mistress: A woman other than his wife with whom a man has a continual sexual relationship. Now, pending one's perspective she is either vilified or praised. Ladies, before you get your panties all up in a bunch, I am not condoning any shenanigans from my brethren. And fellas, don't get all giddy, I am not going to bequeath any of my past "Supreme Playa" knowledge on you either.
Kris the Critic is merely a servant to the people. It is my duty to write about the world around us. And right now, people....There is a lot of hanky panky going on. I'm not judging, I'm jus' sayin'...Mistresses are up 17.2% from last year. Ok, I made that up, but ya'll know it's way-y-y-y more sneaky freakin' goin' on than in years past. So, we'll go with the 17.2%. What's the big deal? It's causing problems. Folks are fighting, kids are cryin', losing money through divorce, even getting their wigs pushed back (that's street lingo for getting killed). Morality aside, there needs to be some sort of ROBERTS RULES OF HANDLING THE MISTRESS. Therefore, your favorite World Reporter has put together a list of 6 guidelines to quell any unpleasantries that may result from this forbidden union (mom, if you are reading this please note this is for entertainment purposes only). Back to all my cheaters, I mean readers. Here ya' go...
#6 Do not use your real name. Create sexy alias like "Denzel Pitt". This serves two purposes. a) It keeps her feeling like she's with a star when it's really just yo triflin ass and b) Yo don't want this psycho knowing your real name fool. (Hell, 75% of Mistresses are certified crazy - and that is a real statistic). If she gets your name, she'll eventually have your social security number and credit card information.
#5 Never ever, never ever, never ever use your home (or any relatives home) as the spot for your secret rendevous. This gentlemen, is future ammo for when she snaps...AND SHE WILL EVENTUALLY SNAP. You don't want the mistress to ever blab on and on about the way she likes how your wife decorated the house. Not good. This is a sure fire way to wake up with "Al Green - Hot" grits on your face.
#4) Refer to her as YOUR MISTRESS. These psycho broads somehow, everytime will begin to think they are more than a sidepiece. Kris The Critic is clueless as to why, but I HEAR IT HAPPENS (yes honey, that's what I heard from Tyrone an' nem). Calling her a mistress reminds her frequently that her purpose is relegated to your personal sexual happiness only.
#3) Become a life coach for your Mistress. This will win you a few friend points. This is of vital importance. The day will come when you are racking your brain to get rid of this friggin headache of a woman. Maybe when she goes ballistic, she'll at least show some mercy "because he was also my friend"
#2) Use a condom. DNA and disease are real. The first can get you life in prison if she she screams rape. The latter can take your life. So, just like your teacher's told you as a child - Play safe. Besides, you don't want her getting pregnant, do you? Mistresses are 30% more likely to get pregnant than your spouse. So, do not just give away another 20% of your paycheck away.
#1) Do not ever give your mistress money. I'm not saying be a tight-ass. You can buy meals, drinks, clothes, motel stays (all in cash of course), but never give her money directly. Listen, nothing says I care like a wad of money. And you do not want her to think you care. Secondly, the number 1 cause for divorce is finance. After you are caught (and you will eventually be caught), your wife can stomach you having a romp in the hay. She will not stomach yo dumb ass giving away the kids tuition money.
Ok boys, have at it. You are now armed with the tools you need to prolong f#$@ing up your marriage. But hey, at least you'll have some fun and keep some dignity doing it. I can't give out any more advice because then I'd have to charge you for it. That's why you only get 6 reasons. There are really 10 that exist.
So, am I insane? Did I leave out any vital piece of information?
Be safe,
KRIS THE CRITIC
Today's topic is dedicated to the no-good men of the world (hey, they need advice too - plus this is funny stuff). It centers around what seemingly seems to be a person of growing interest around the country, the Mistress. For all of us who tend to interpret the English language in a fashion that suits our particular desires, here is the Merriam-Webster definition of a mistress: A woman other than his wife with whom a man has a continual sexual relationship. Now, pending one's perspective she is either vilified or praised. Ladies, before you get your panties all up in a bunch, I am not condoning any shenanigans from my brethren. And fellas, don't get all giddy, I am not going to bequeath any of my past "Supreme Playa" knowledge on you either.
Kris the Critic is merely a servant to the people. It is my duty to write about the world around us. And right now, people....There is a lot of hanky panky going on. I'm not judging, I'm jus' sayin'...Mistresses are up 17.2% from last year. Ok, I made that up, but ya'll know it's way-y-y-y more sneaky freakin' goin' on than in years past. So, we'll go with the 17.2%. What's the big deal? It's causing problems. Folks are fighting, kids are cryin', losing money through divorce, even getting their wigs pushed back (that's street lingo for getting killed). Morality aside, there needs to be some sort of ROBERTS RULES OF HANDLING THE MISTRESS. Therefore, your favorite World Reporter has put together a list of 6 guidelines to quell any unpleasantries that may result from this forbidden union (mom, if you are reading this please note this is for entertainment purposes only). Back to all my cheaters, I mean readers. Here ya' go...
#6 Do not use your real name. Create sexy alias like "Denzel Pitt". This serves two purposes. a) It keeps her feeling like she's with a star when it's really just yo triflin ass and b) Yo don't want this psycho knowing your real name fool. (Hell, 75% of Mistresses are certified crazy - and that is a real statistic). If she gets your name, she'll eventually have your social security number and credit card information.
#5 Never ever, never ever, never ever use your home (or any relatives home) as the spot for your secret rendevous. This gentlemen, is future ammo for when she snaps...AND SHE WILL EVENTUALLY SNAP. You don't want the mistress to ever blab on and on about the way she likes how your wife decorated the house. Not good. This is a sure fire way to wake up with "Al Green - Hot" grits on your face.
#4) Refer to her as YOUR MISTRESS. These psycho broads somehow, everytime will begin to think they are more than a sidepiece. Kris The Critic is clueless as to why, but I HEAR IT HAPPENS (yes honey, that's what I heard from Tyrone an' nem). Calling her a mistress reminds her frequently that her purpose is relegated to your personal sexual happiness only.
#3) Become a life coach for your Mistress. This will win you a few friend points. This is of vital importance. The day will come when you are racking your brain to get rid of this friggin headache of a woman. Maybe when she goes ballistic, she'll at least show some mercy "because he was also my friend"
#2) Use a condom. DNA and disease are real. The first can get you life in prison if she she screams rape. The latter can take your life. So, just like your teacher's told you as a child - Play safe. Besides, you don't want her getting pregnant, do you? Mistresses are 30% more likely to get pregnant than your spouse. So, do not just give away another 20% of your paycheck away.
#1) Do not ever give your mistress money. I'm not saying be a tight-ass. You can buy meals, drinks, clothes, motel stays (all in cash of course), but never give her money directly. Listen, nothing says I care like a wad of money. And you do not want her to think you care. Secondly, the number 1 cause for divorce is finance. After you are caught (and you will eventually be caught), your wife can stomach you having a romp in the hay. She will not stomach yo dumb ass giving away the kids tuition money.
Ok boys, have at it. You are now armed with the tools you need to prolong f#$@ing up your marriage. But hey, at least you'll have some fun and keep some dignity doing it. I can't give out any more advice because then I'd have to charge you for it. That's why you only get 6 reasons. There are really 10 that exist.
So, am I insane? Did I leave out any vital piece of information?
Be safe,
KRIS THE CRITIC
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