I'm ba-a-a-a-a-a-ck,
I already know what you're thinking, "I could give a rats' ass what happens when the grim reaper comes for me". Hell, most of us will be glad that we can finally say "screw it" to all unpaid bills. However, if you are even mildly interested in your legacy, it would behoove you to spend just a little time to give some thought to a few logistics prior to that inevitable day. Ya'll get it yet? No? Let me try this another way...I am sure 100% of KRIS THE CRITIC readers will be in the VIP line for the Pearly Gates. However, there is a chance that some of us should pay a wee bit of attention to some of the skeletons that may be in our closets. Ahhh...Can you smell me now? (I love saying that).
Now everyone don't get your panties in a bunch. Relax. It's not that bad. Ok, maybe it is for about 5% of you little devils. Even KRIS THE CRITIC is powerless to make rapists and child molesters be looked upon as anything but scum until the end of time. Sorry losers. For the rest of us in the 95 percentile, there is some damage control we can do to protect how future generations will remember us. So, all of you liars, gossipers, philanderers and any other sinners (wow, I guess that's just about all of us, huh) - cop a squat and grab a pen and pad. Your favorite scribe is about to drop practical knowledge. Oh, for all my literarily challenged (I think that's a word) - A philanderer is a cheater. Not only do you get a great blog, but I even threw in a word for the day.
So, without further delay, here are a five things to do (in no particular order) so your friends and family don't cuss your name for eternity.
Get A Life Insurance Policy - Nothing pisses off a family more than when they have to take up a collection to bury a person who they could barely stand in the first place. I'm not saying you have to leave anybody rich, but at least try to pay for your own pine box.
Do Not Die On A Holiday or Loved One's Birthday - You don't want the kids to grow up hating Christmas do you? Barring a sudden death like a car accident, this can be accomplished. If you are terminally ill, just tell the family to keep you plugged up to a respirator until midnight of the next day.
Deal With Your Illegitimate Kids - Hey, shit happens right? But Jeez, 5 other people should not be falling on the casket screaming "I'mma miss my daddy!"
Tell Your Homies To Handle The Mistress - If the funeral is on Saturday, make sure the side-piece thinks it on a Sunday. There is no need for a fight to break out on such an occasion. Besides, it ruins the repast conversation after the funeral.
Remove The 1st Wife As A Beneficiary - How many times have we seen women "come up" on work or survivor benefits because this idiot didn't up update his records. This is a sure way to get any current girlfriend, caregiver, or everyone else remember you as a loser.
Kris The Critic is not a nice guy, but I'm fair. Heed my advice and maybe one day, future generations will smile when your name is mentioned. Otherwise, your name will will become "That no good mother------ ____________"!
Additions?
Until next time,
KRIS THE CRITIC
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
The Celebrity Write-Up - 1st Edition
Knock Knock - Who's There? - Ima - Ima who? -
IMA CELEBRITY SO I CAN DO WHAT THE F@#$ I WANNA DO!
Hello faithful followers,
KRIS THE CRITIC has finally given in to the pressure. I have wilted like a china rose in the Las Vegas desert sun. I am about to give it up quicker than a groupie gives it up to an NBA player. The world's most fearless writer is about to break a coveted oath made to himself when legend of KRIS THE CRITIC began. I am crossing a line that I promised I would never cross. May the Woman above forgive me for my actions, I know not what I do. I am about to...(I'm actually shedding a tear over here). I am about to...BLOG ABOUT CELEBRITIES.
Whew. I said it. Before I begin, let me wipe my eyes. Between typing, I'm cutting up some onions for my world famous Guacamole. (You guys didn't really think the scribe of steel would be shedding tears of sadness did you?). So, what's the big deal? The big deal is this "I HATE WRITING ABOUT CELEBRITIES BECAUSE EVERYONE DOES IT!" There is as much creativity in that as there is originality in hip-hop made after the year 2000. So, why am I doing it? Well, my faithful followers have been asking for it and your wish is my command.....NOT! The real reason is that Celebrities are straight TRIPPIN'. I thought I'd done some crazy S#^$ in my life(that's a blog for another day). The following folks by their actions have been BEGGING me to "get down" on them.
THERE ARE ABOUT 50 CELEBRITY F-UPS I NEED TO ADDRESS. HOWEVER, I CAN'T FOCUS LONG ENOUGH TO ADDRESS ALL OF THEM. I'LL ADDRESS ABOUT 5 DIMWITS PER CELEBRITY EDITION,
So, without delay, here is a partial list of Celebrities who are just plain goofy, as exhibited by some of their asanine antics.
Gilbert Arenas - alias Agent Zero now known as the founder of "Bring Your Gun To Work Day". He is just a f%$*#@% idiot. In the midst of a $111 million contract (yes, he's a nine figga n^@@& - this nut decides to bring a gun to work to settle a gambling debt with a teammate. Gilbert better pray that the good ole "moral clause" doesn't wipe out his fortune. Only in the NBA. Question - How can a dude named "Gilbert" think he's tough anyway?
Nikki Minaj - OK, I get it - you want to be the new Lil Kim. Granted, in the world of entertainment one must be eccentric, but I'm am just sick and tired of every new singer selling me porn in a song or video. I have a great bootleg video guy who can sell me the real thing when I'm in the mood. In her latest release with Usher "Lil Freak" - She boasts finding women at the club to have a menage a-trois with Usher Why didn't she just make her name Nicki 3some? Hmmmm...maybe I'm really a fan of Ms. Minaj,
Matthew Knowles aka "Matty Soprano"- Beyonce's Daddy is a wild dude. 1st, he pulls a mafia move and takes over Destiny's Child (hmmm...I'm surprised the ex-group members haven't had his ass popped yet - I know I would have) 2nd, he starts paying off radio stations NOT to play ex DC member Letoya Luckett's music. 3rd, he starts foolin' around with one of Beyonce's dancers...Now, at 58 years old he gets hit with an $8K a month child support suit. And folks, this is just what we know PUBLICLY, I'm sure there's a dead body or two laying around somewhere.
Tiger Woods Mistresses (ALL of them) - I hate to bring up the race card. BUT, everyone knows Tiger aka Cheetah wouldn't have had NEARLY as many problems if these lovers were African American women. They may have harrassed the hell out of him or had a couple of their girls thugged-out cousins pay him a visit. HOWEVER, they would not have screwed up any endorsement money. He could hired a friggin tribe of Atlanta's best strippers for the price he was payin' those dumb broads. TIGER, IF YOU ARE READING THIS PLEASE NOTE: SISTAS DO NOT LIKE MESSING UP THE MONEY STREAM.
The GOP (Grand Old Party aka Republicans) - KRIS THE CRITIC is not a politician. However, when you disrepect my boy Obama, I will get at you. This group of people seriously don't want all Americans to have access to quality health care. Why? the trillions of deficit the country is in? taxes? Well, I could give a rat's ass how much it cost. What's a few billion more if you're already down trillions? And taxes? Rich folks SHOULD be taxed more for getting rich in a system that constantly screws the poor. Warning: The next time Big O is speaking in session and one of you 105 year old farts interrupts him, I'm calling my Chi-town Englewood peeps to handle you.
Ok, people. It's a wrap. Who should be included in the next edition? Lil Wayne? Antoine Walker? Gabrielle Union?
Holla,
KRIS THE CRITIC
P.S.
I spared Tiger for now - I think I like Playa Tiger. He's now earned a new moniker....Instead of him a being a self described Cablinasian. He's now a Cablin-gg--
IMA CELEBRITY SO I CAN DO WHAT THE F@#$ I WANNA DO!
Hello faithful followers,
KRIS THE CRITIC has finally given in to the pressure. I have wilted like a china rose in the Las Vegas desert sun. I am about to give it up quicker than a groupie gives it up to an NBA player. The world's most fearless writer is about to break a coveted oath made to himself when legend of KRIS THE CRITIC began. I am crossing a line that I promised I would never cross. May the Woman above forgive me for my actions, I know not what I do. I am about to...(I'm actually shedding a tear over here). I am about to...BLOG ABOUT CELEBRITIES.
Whew. I said it. Before I begin, let me wipe my eyes. Between typing, I'm cutting up some onions for my world famous Guacamole. (You guys didn't really think the scribe of steel would be shedding tears of sadness did you?). So, what's the big deal? The big deal is this "I HATE WRITING ABOUT CELEBRITIES BECAUSE EVERYONE DOES IT!" There is as much creativity in that as there is originality in hip-hop made after the year 2000. So, why am I doing it? Well, my faithful followers have been asking for it and your wish is my command.....NOT! The real reason is that Celebrities are straight TRIPPIN'. I thought I'd done some crazy S#^$ in my life(that's a blog for another day). The following folks by their actions have been BEGGING me to "get down" on them.
THERE ARE ABOUT 50 CELEBRITY F-UPS I NEED TO ADDRESS. HOWEVER, I CAN'T FOCUS LONG ENOUGH TO ADDRESS ALL OF THEM. I'LL ADDRESS ABOUT 5 DIMWITS PER CELEBRITY EDITION,
So, without delay, here is a partial list of Celebrities who are just plain goofy, as exhibited by some of their asanine antics.
Gilbert Arenas - alias Agent Zero now known as the founder of "Bring Your Gun To Work Day". He is just a f%$*#@% idiot. In the midst of a $111 million contract (yes, he's a nine figga n^@@& - this nut decides to bring a gun to work to settle a gambling debt with a teammate. Gilbert better pray that the good ole "moral clause" doesn't wipe out his fortune. Only in the NBA. Question - How can a dude named "Gilbert" think he's tough anyway?
Nikki Minaj - OK, I get it - you want to be the new Lil Kim. Granted, in the world of entertainment one must be eccentric, but I'm am just sick and tired of every new singer selling me porn in a song or video. I have a great bootleg video guy who can sell me the real thing when I'm in the mood. In her latest release with Usher "Lil Freak" - She boasts finding women at the club to have a menage a-trois with Usher Why didn't she just make her name Nicki 3some? Hmmmm...maybe I'm really a fan of Ms. Minaj,
Matthew Knowles aka "Matty Soprano"- Beyonce's Daddy is a wild dude. 1st, he pulls a mafia move and takes over Destiny's Child (hmmm...I'm surprised the ex-group members haven't had his ass popped yet - I know I would have) 2nd, he starts paying off radio stations NOT to play ex DC member Letoya Luckett's music. 3rd, he starts foolin' around with one of Beyonce's dancers...Now, at 58 years old he gets hit with an $8K a month child support suit. And folks, this is just what we know PUBLICLY, I'm sure there's a dead body or two laying around somewhere.
Tiger Woods Mistresses (ALL of them) - I hate to bring up the race card. BUT, everyone knows Tiger aka Cheetah wouldn't have had NEARLY as many problems if these lovers were African American women. They may have harrassed the hell out of him or had a couple of their girls thugged-out cousins pay him a visit. HOWEVER, they would not have screwed up any endorsement money. He could hired a friggin tribe of Atlanta's best strippers for the price he was payin' those dumb broads. TIGER, IF YOU ARE READING THIS PLEASE NOTE: SISTAS DO NOT LIKE MESSING UP THE MONEY STREAM.
The GOP (Grand Old Party aka Republicans) - KRIS THE CRITIC is not a politician. However, when you disrepect my boy Obama, I will get at you. This group of people seriously don't want all Americans to have access to quality health care. Why? the trillions of deficit the country is in? taxes? Well, I could give a rat's ass how much it cost. What's a few billion more if you're already down trillions? And taxes? Rich folks SHOULD be taxed more for getting rich in a system that constantly screws the poor. Warning: The next time Big O is speaking in session and one of you 105 year old farts interrupts him, I'm calling my Chi-town Englewood peeps to handle you.
Ok, people. It's a wrap. Who should be included in the next edition? Lil Wayne? Antoine Walker? Gabrielle Union?
Holla,
KRIS THE CRITIC
P.S.
I spared Tiger for now - I think I like Playa Tiger. He's now earned a new moniker....Instead of him a being a self described Cablinasian. He's now a Cablin-gg--
Saturday, March 20, 2010
The Mistress
Hello people,
Today's topic is dedicated to the no-good men of the world (hey, they need advice too - plus this is funny stuff). It centers around what seemingly seems to be a person of growing interest around the country, the Mistress. For all of us who tend to interpret the English language in a fashion that suits our particular desires, here is the Merriam-Webster definition of a mistress: A woman other than his wife with whom a man has a continual sexual relationship. Now, pending one's perspective she is either vilified or praised. Ladies, before you get your panties all up in a bunch, I am not condoning any shenanigans from my brethren. And fellas, don't get all giddy, I am not going to bequeath any of my past "Supreme Playa" knowledge on you either.
Kris the Critic is merely a servant to the people. It is my duty to write about the world around us. And right now, people....There is a lot of hanky panky going on. I'm not judging, I'm jus' sayin'...Mistresses are up 17.2% from last year. Ok, I made that up, but ya'll know it's way-y-y-y more sneaky freakin' goin' on than in years past. So, we'll go with the 17.2%. What's the big deal? It's causing problems. Folks are fighting, kids are cryin', losing money through divorce, even getting their wigs pushed back (that's street lingo for getting killed). Morality aside, there needs to be some sort of ROBERTS RULES OF HANDLING THE MISTRESS. Therefore, your favorite World Reporter has put together a list of 6 guidelines to quell any unpleasantries that may result from this forbidden union (mom, if you are reading this please note this is for entertainment purposes only). Back to all my cheaters, I mean readers. Here ya' go...
#6 Do not use your real name. Create sexy alias like "Denzel Pitt". This serves two purposes. a) It keeps her feeling like she's with a star when it's really just yo triflin ass and b) Yo don't want this psycho knowing your real name fool. (Hell, 75% of Mistresses are certified crazy - and that is a real statistic). If she gets your name, she'll eventually have your social security number and credit card information.
#5 Never ever, never ever, never ever use your home (or any relatives home) as the spot for your secret rendevous. This gentlemen, is future ammo for when she snaps...AND SHE WILL EVENTUALLY SNAP. You don't want the mistress to ever blab on and on about the way she likes how your wife decorated the house. Not good. This is a sure fire way to wake up with "Al Green - Hot" grits on your face.
#4) Refer to her as YOUR MISTRESS. These psycho broads somehow, everytime will begin to think they are more than a sidepiece. Kris The Critic is clueless as to why, but I HEAR IT HAPPENS (yes honey, that's what I heard from Tyrone an' nem). Calling her a mistress reminds her frequently that her purpose is relegated to your personal sexual happiness only.
#3) Become a life coach for your Mistress. This will win you a few friend points. This is of vital importance. The day will come when you are racking your brain to get rid of this friggin headache of a woman. Maybe when she goes ballistic, she'll at least show some mercy "because he was also my friend"
#2) Use a condom. DNA and disease are real. The first can get you life in prison if she she screams rape. The latter can take your life. So, just like your teacher's told you as a child - Play safe. Besides, you don't want her getting pregnant, do you? Mistresses are 30% more likely to get pregnant than your spouse. So, do not just give away another 20% of your paycheck away.
#1) Do not ever give your mistress money. I'm not saying be a tight-ass. You can buy meals, drinks, clothes, motel stays (all in cash of course), but never give her money directly. Listen, nothing says I care like a wad of money. And you do not want her to think you care. Secondly, the number 1 cause for divorce is finance. After you are caught (and you will eventually be caught), your wife can stomach you having a romp in the hay. She will not stomach yo dumb ass giving away the kids tuition money.
Ok boys, have at it. You are now armed with the tools you need to prolong f#$@ing up your marriage. But hey, at least you'll have some fun and keep some dignity doing it. I can't give out any more advice because then I'd have to charge you for it. That's why you only get 6 reasons. There are really 10 that exist.
So, am I insane? Did I leave out any vital piece of information?
Be safe,
KRIS THE CRITIC
Today's topic is dedicated to the no-good men of the world (hey, they need advice too - plus this is funny stuff). It centers around what seemingly seems to be a person of growing interest around the country, the Mistress. For all of us who tend to interpret the English language in a fashion that suits our particular desires, here is the Merriam-Webster definition of a mistress: A woman other than his wife with whom a man has a continual sexual relationship. Now, pending one's perspective she is either vilified or praised. Ladies, before you get your panties all up in a bunch, I am not condoning any shenanigans from my brethren. And fellas, don't get all giddy, I am not going to bequeath any of my past "Supreme Playa" knowledge on you either.
Kris the Critic is merely a servant to the people. It is my duty to write about the world around us. And right now, people....There is a lot of hanky panky going on. I'm not judging, I'm jus' sayin'...Mistresses are up 17.2% from last year. Ok, I made that up, but ya'll know it's way-y-y-y more sneaky freakin' goin' on than in years past. So, we'll go with the 17.2%. What's the big deal? It's causing problems. Folks are fighting, kids are cryin', losing money through divorce, even getting their wigs pushed back (that's street lingo for getting killed). Morality aside, there needs to be some sort of ROBERTS RULES OF HANDLING THE MISTRESS. Therefore, your favorite World Reporter has put together a list of 6 guidelines to quell any unpleasantries that may result from this forbidden union (mom, if you are reading this please note this is for entertainment purposes only). Back to all my cheaters, I mean readers. Here ya' go...
#6 Do not use your real name. Create sexy alias like "Denzel Pitt". This serves two purposes. a) It keeps her feeling like she's with a star when it's really just yo triflin ass and b) Yo don't want this psycho knowing your real name fool. (Hell, 75% of Mistresses are certified crazy - and that is a real statistic). If she gets your name, she'll eventually have your social security number and credit card information.
#5 Never ever, never ever, never ever use your home (or any relatives home) as the spot for your secret rendevous. This gentlemen, is future ammo for when she snaps...AND SHE WILL EVENTUALLY SNAP. You don't want the mistress to ever blab on and on about the way she likes how your wife decorated the house. Not good. This is a sure fire way to wake up with "Al Green - Hot" grits on your face.
#4) Refer to her as YOUR MISTRESS. These psycho broads somehow, everytime will begin to think they are more than a sidepiece. Kris The Critic is clueless as to why, but I HEAR IT HAPPENS (yes honey, that's what I heard from Tyrone an' nem). Calling her a mistress reminds her frequently that her purpose is relegated to your personal sexual happiness only.
#3) Become a life coach for your Mistress. This will win you a few friend points. This is of vital importance. The day will come when you are racking your brain to get rid of this friggin headache of a woman. Maybe when she goes ballistic, she'll at least show some mercy "because he was also my friend"
#2) Use a condom. DNA and disease are real. The first can get you life in prison if she she screams rape. The latter can take your life. So, just like your teacher's told you as a child - Play safe. Besides, you don't want her getting pregnant, do you? Mistresses are 30% more likely to get pregnant than your spouse. So, do not just give away another 20% of your paycheck away.
#1) Do not ever give your mistress money. I'm not saying be a tight-ass. You can buy meals, drinks, clothes, motel stays (all in cash of course), but never give her money directly. Listen, nothing says I care like a wad of money. And you do not want her to think you care. Secondly, the number 1 cause for divorce is finance. After you are caught (and you will eventually be caught), your wife can stomach you having a romp in the hay. She will not stomach yo dumb ass giving away the kids tuition money.
Ok boys, have at it. You are now armed with the tools you need to prolong f#$@ing up your marriage. But hey, at least you'll have some fun and keep some dignity doing it. I can't give out any more advice because then I'd have to charge you for it. That's why you only get 6 reasons. There are really 10 that exist.
So, am I insane? Did I leave out any vital piece of information?
Be safe,
KRIS THE CRITIC
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Flight 303
Greetings Earthlings,
This blog is a tribute to those who have dared to go where few men have ever gone before. It is a dedication to a few special individuals who have braved the elements of an unknown journey in the name of love. These men have put their own needs aside in spite of an arduous task set before them. This blog is a formal expression of praise for dad's everywhere who have taken a 4 hour flight, alone with a baby. Ladies and gentlemen, KRIS THE CRITIC has joined the ranks of this elite group of parents who have been blessed with patience second only to Jesus Christ himself...OR...are as dumb as a box of rocks for agreeing to torture themselves. Now that I have lived through this mind numbing experience, my thoughts can be summed up in a few words..."WHAT IN THE F#%@ WAS I THINKING"! I am definitely part of the latter group of idiots. I know what your thinking. KRIS THE CRITIC, we've seen that little doll of yours. You are surely exaggerating. Well, screw you. You guys weren't there. We flew from Chicago to LA. My little precious baby turned into a "Chuckie" Doll for a few hours. For a few moments, I thought her head was going to spin around and she'd vomit all over me. Well, her head stayed intact, but she did vomit all over me, multiple times...It all started out so peaceful. What happened?...Let's examine the day's events...
8:20am - Baby and I arrived at O'hare airport. She loves riding in cars, this was no exception...What a sweet little girl. Muah! You are about to go on your first airplane. Yippeeee!
8:35am - Dang, this airport security line is longer than The Eagle roller coaster at Great America - circa 1989. The Baby is getting slightly antsy.
9:05am - First sign of frustration. Along with taking of my shoes, belt, coat, etc. I have to do the same for the baby...AND break down the stroller and disassemble the car seat. I am officially starting to perspire.
9:15am - I can't believe this fake-a$$ airport security chumps are inspecting baby food for this length of time...Does Similac have financial holdings in Iraq...WTF! Do they think the baby brought a bag of weed. Geez....
9:25am - Now that we've made it pass the Keystone Kops. I gotta change my little baby girl in the men's room (Hmmm...she's only 6 months - but I still gotta keep my eye on these perverts). That's was easy. It was only a wet didy.
10:15 - Whew. Finally on the plane. I'm a little winded. Hmmm, she will probably sleep the entire time. Yup, this will be cake.
10:30 - Liftoff! I'll give her a little bottle so her little ears won't pop and she'll be sleep in no time. This is so easy.
10:50 - I tell the little old lady next to me that I won't need her assistance (like I want her grubby old paws on my little lady)
11:30 - After singing the entire Thriller album, my little lady drifts off to sleep. Hey, she's a Michael Jackson fan. I'm not that bad of a singer, I think the folks around me enjoyed it...And I am ready for a nap my self. My neck is a getting little achy. See you guys in LA.
11:57am - What! the nap ended already. She's squirming and crying. Hmmm. My singing's not working. Hmmm...What's that smell? Geez, that flight attendant needs to take that trash to the back. Wow, that's putrid...Uh-oh, is that my baby? Off to the restroom. This is not going to be good.
12:35pm - I now realize that you do not dress to look good travelling with a baby. My True Religion Jeans and Perry Ellis sweater now have a tie-dyed look from the various colors of baby vomit. Next time, I'm wearing a painters outfit or better yet, a hefty bag.
12:52pm - How do they expect anyone to travel with a baby in these little seats? MY NECK IS KILLING ME!! I need a massage. Where did the old lady go?...PLEASE STOP CRYING! (I'm rocking, I'm singing, I'm rocking, I'm singing...) Are we there YET?
1:05pm - Thank God for this old lady next to me. The baby FINALLY stopped crying. I should have let her hold the baby two hours ago...And now I can crawl under the seat and find the other shoe which is lost yet again.
1:28pm - I gotta get back in the gym. I'm having shortness of breath. I hope this isn't a heart attack. If I die. I'm suing McDonald's...Back to my seat.
1:45pm - Ahhh...I have a sitter. Time for a little nap for daddy.
2:30pm - WTF! We're here already! I was JUST getting to sleep. Well, at least we made it safely.
Now that this experience is over, I can say this. Babies needs mommies. Daddies just aren't built for certain activities. This is one of them. Once this crook in my neck subsides, I'll cook my darling wife dinner for the next week. Have any of you great dad's had similar experiences?
KRIS THE CRITIC
This blog is a tribute to those who have dared to go where few men have ever gone before. It is a dedication to a few special individuals who have braved the elements of an unknown journey in the name of love. These men have put their own needs aside in spite of an arduous task set before them. This blog is a formal expression of praise for dad's everywhere who have taken a 4 hour flight, alone with a baby. Ladies and gentlemen, KRIS THE CRITIC has joined the ranks of this elite group of parents who have been blessed with patience second only to Jesus Christ himself...OR...are as dumb as a box of rocks for agreeing to torture themselves. Now that I have lived through this mind numbing experience, my thoughts can be summed up in a few words..."WHAT IN THE F#%@ WAS I THINKING"! I am definitely part of the latter group of idiots. I know what your thinking. KRIS THE CRITIC, we've seen that little doll of yours. You are surely exaggerating. Well, screw you. You guys weren't there. We flew from Chicago to LA. My little precious baby turned into a "Chuckie" Doll for a few hours. For a few moments, I thought her head was going to spin around and she'd vomit all over me. Well, her head stayed intact, but she did vomit all over me, multiple times...It all started out so peaceful. What happened?...Let's examine the day's events...
8:20am - Baby and I arrived at O'hare airport. She loves riding in cars, this was no exception...What a sweet little girl. Muah! You are about to go on your first airplane. Yippeeee!
8:35am - Dang, this airport security line is longer than The Eagle roller coaster at Great America - circa 1989. The Baby is getting slightly antsy.
9:05am - First sign of frustration. Along with taking of my shoes, belt, coat, etc. I have to do the same for the baby...AND break down the stroller and disassemble the car seat. I am officially starting to perspire.
9:15am - I can't believe this fake-a$$ airport security chumps are inspecting baby food for this length of time...Does Similac have financial holdings in Iraq...WTF! Do they think the baby brought a bag of weed. Geez....
9:25am - Now that we've made it pass the Keystone Kops. I gotta change my little baby girl in the men's room (Hmmm...she's only 6 months - but I still gotta keep my eye on these perverts). That's was easy. It was only a wet didy.
10:15 - Whew. Finally on the plane. I'm a little winded. Hmmm, she will probably sleep the entire time. Yup, this will be cake.
10:30 - Liftoff! I'll give her a little bottle so her little ears won't pop and she'll be sleep in no time. This is so easy.
10:50 - I tell the little old lady next to me that I won't need her assistance (like I want her grubby old paws on my little lady)
11:30 - After singing the entire Thriller album, my little lady drifts off to sleep. Hey, she's a Michael Jackson fan. I'm not that bad of a singer, I think the folks around me enjoyed it...And I am ready for a nap my self. My neck is a getting little achy. See you guys in LA.
11:57am - What! the nap ended already. She's squirming and crying. Hmmm. My singing's not working. Hmmm...What's that smell? Geez, that flight attendant needs to take that trash to the back. Wow, that's putrid...Uh-oh, is that my baby? Off to the restroom. This is not going to be good.
12:35pm - I now realize that you do not dress to look good travelling with a baby. My True Religion Jeans and Perry Ellis sweater now have a tie-dyed look from the various colors of baby vomit. Next time, I'm wearing a painters outfit or better yet, a hefty bag.
12:52pm - How do they expect anyone to travel with a baby in these little seats? MY NECK IS KILLING ME!! I need a massage. Where did the old lady go?...PLEASE STOP CRYING! (I'm rocking, I'm singing, I'm rocking, I'm singing...) Are we there YET?
1:05pm - Thank God for this old lady next to me. The baby FINALLY stopped crying. I should have let her hold the baby two hours ago...And now I can crawl under the seat and find the other shoe which is lost yet again.
1:28pm - I gotta get back in the gym. I'm having shortness of breath. I hope this isn't a heart attack. If I die. I'm suing McDonald's...Back to my seat.
1:45pm - Ahhh...I have a sitter. Time for a little nap for daddy.
2:30pm - WTF! We're here already! I was JUST getting to sleep. Well, at least we made it safely.
Now that this experience is over, I can say this. Babies needs mommies. Daddies just aren't built for certain activities. This is one of them. Once this crook in my neck subsides, I'll cook my darling wife dinner for the next week. Have any of you great dad's had similar experiences?
KRIS THE CRITIC
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Ode To Beer
Welcome Back Critics,
No mysterious titles today. This piece is simply dedication to one of the most fascinating gifts this world has to offer - BEER. That's right beer. It is THE most widely consumed beverage after water and tea. Now, why in the hell would someone want to drink tea over beer is beyond me. But, that's a blog for another day. Ahhh, this fermented wonder, brewed from malt and flavored with hops has been as important to mankind as the wheel or the electric lightbulb. Ok, maybe that's a slight stretch. So, I take that back. I'd rather have a beer over a wheel any day of the week. And, I believe I speak for the masses (not just for those who over indulge).
This year, over 35 billion beers will be sold! Wow, I'm getting all warm and fuzzy now...maybe even a partial. Ok, that's going a little far, but it's merely a colorful way of saying I LOVE THIS STUFF! and you should too. Beer has been there for us all during various momentus occasions of our lives. Let's take a look ...
As a teen, I would be willing to wager a nickel that whenever some of you "stumbled into" or "fell victim to" your first piece of action (because it is a matter of perspective) there was a nice cold 40oz somewhere in the vicinity. Hey, I didn't say that was an ideal welcome into adulthood, but surely it was an icebreaker, right? We should all give beer a "big" thank you.
We can't forget high school graduation, can we? As we climbed the podium to celebrate all those years of dedication towards a diploma, it wasn't just your family who helped you enjoy the fruits of your labor. Beer was right there at the after-party assisting with your mumbled, drunken appreciation speech for all of your loved ones.
Ok, raise your hands if Beer was one of your best friends during college! Yup, that's most of us. Talk about partying on a budget. There was no place on the planet where beer could be purchased cheaper than the college campus. It definitely helped with developing my financial acumen...Which is the better value? Two 40 oz's for $2.40 each or One 6-pack for $3.60? Well pupils, in this case, the 6-pack (assuming 12 oz per can) yields an ounce per every 5 cents versus 6 cents per ounce with Two 40 oz's for $2.40 each...You see, beer was also a teacher.
Now, take a look around at those beautiful little people who look just like you. Besides the begging, whining, crying, bad grades, tuition, fighting, and talking back...Aren't they precious? Well, guess who was there right with you at the moment of conception? You guessed it, your partner in crime...beer. Now, don't blame beer if it wasn't your intent to have 3 or 4 kids by now (depending on how many you claim - fellas). Beer was simply assisting you with your goal at the moment. No one told you to drink seven. Now, drink a beer and figure out how you are going to pay for all those damn kids.
I know what you're thinking. Kris The Critic is crazy. He is promoting drinking beer. Well...uh, I AM DAMMIT! Whether it's an import or domestic, a lager or an ale, go get yourself a cold one a.s.a.p. Listen people, the world can be a little hectic at times. I am merely showing you a way to relax and recharge your batteries (in moderation - of course). Besides, isn't this better than promoting Whiskey, Crack, or Cigarettes? Don't want my advice...suit yourself. Go be miserable alone while the rest of us celebrate one of God's greatest gifts, BEER.
Stay Thirsty,
Kris The Critic
No mysterious titles today. This piece is simply dedication to one of the most fascinating gifts this world has to offer - BEER. That's right beer. It is THE most widely consumed beverage after water and tea. Now, why in the hell would someone want to drink tea over beer is beyond me. But, that's a blog for another day. Ahhh, this fermented wonder, brewed from malt and flavored with hops has been as important to mankind as the wheel or the electric lightbulb. Ok, maybe that's a slight stretch. So, I take that back. I'd rather have a beer over a wheel any day of the week. And, I believe I speak for the masses (not just for those who over indulge).
This year, over 35 billion beers will be sold! Wow, I'm getting all warm and fuzzy now...maybe even a partial. Ok, that's going a little far, but it's merely a colorful way of saying I LOVE THIS STUFF! and you should too. Beer has been there for us all during various momentus occasions of our lives. Let's take a look ...
As a teen, I would be willing to wager a nickel that whenever some of you "stumbled into" or "fell victim to" your first piece of action (because it is a matter of perspective) there was a nice cold 40oz somewhere in the vicinity. Hey, I didn't say that was an ideal welcome into adulthood, but surely it was an icebreaker, right? We should all give beer a "big" thank you.
We can't forget high school graduation, can we? As we climbed the podium to celebrate all those years of dedication towards a diploma, it wasn't just your family who helped you enjoy the fruits of your labor. Beer was right there at the after-party assisting with your mumbled, drunken appreciation speech for all of your loved ones.
Ok, raise your hands if Beer was one of your best friends during college! Yup, that's most of us. Talk about partying on a budget. There was no place on the planet where beer could be purchased cheaper than the college campus. It definitely helped with developing my financial acumen...Which is the better value? Two 40 oz's for $2.40 each or One 6-pack for $3.60? Well pupils, in this case, the 6-pack (assuming 12 oz per can) yields an ounce per every 5 cents versus 6 cents per ounce with Two 40 oz's for $2.40 each...You see, beer was also a teacher.
Now, take a look around at those beautiful little people who look just like you. Besides the begging, whining, crying, bad grades, tuition, fighting, and talking back...Aren't they precious? Well, guess who was there right with you at the moment of conception? You guessed it, your partner in crime...beer. Now, don't blame beer if it wasn't your intent to have 3 or 4 kids by now (depending on how many you claim - fellas). Beer was simply assisting you with your goal at the moment. No one told you to drink seven. Now, drink a beer and figure out how you are going to pay for all those damn kids.
I know what you're thinking. Kris The Critic is crazy. He is promoting drinking beer. Well...uh, I AM DAMMIT! Whether it's an import or domestic, a lager or an ale, go get yourself a cold one a.s.a.p. Listen people, the world can be a little hectic at times. I am merely showing you a way to relax and recharge your batteries (in moderation - of course). Besides, isn't this better than promoting Whiskey, Crack, or Cigarettes? Don't want my advice...suit yourself. Go be miserable alone while the rest of us celebrate one of God's greatest gifts, BEER.
Stay Thirsty,
Kris The Critic
Friday, January 29, 2010
The World's Oldest Profession
Welcome back earthlings,
Today's topic is sure to spark some controversy. Those of you who have enjoyed the Kris The Critic experience know that I do not just think "out of the box". The box doesn't even exist in my mind. For you "newbees", please realize that I have flaws just like everyone else. However, in the words of the late Tupac Shakur, "I just don't give a f#%@"...Have you ever been in that type of mood? Well, that's the mood I'm in now. Here's the disclaimer: THIS BLOG IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY, KEEP ALL OF YOUR RIGHTEOUS MUMBO JUMBO FAR AWAY FROM MY "COMMENTS" SECTION. This blog has some very practical uses. It may actually help rescue our drowning economy. In case you are can't read or don't have access to a television, America's balance sheet is ridiculously pathetic at best. Yours truly has an idea (albeit, uhhh...how shall I say this?...let's just say morally conflicted) that can solve a plethora of problems. Okay, you got me. I've been trying to work that word in a blog forever. If you don't know what it means get "off your duff" and look it up!...Here it is - drum roll please: THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA SHOULD LEGALIZE PROSTITUITON IN ALL 50 STATES!...by the way I don't count anything else we may own 'cause 51 just sounds stupid. Okay, back to today's subject. I will illustrate a few obvious societal benefits of prostitution.
The divorce rate would would come to a grinding halt if an unsatisfied spouse were able to seek "comfort" in a safe, controlled enviroment. Think about it before you say I'm going bananas. Here is an example - A husband or wife who's had it up to here could take off work early, visit a local brothel and still be home in time for dinner with the kids. Not only would this save the marriage, but it would also keep the family unit intact. I think we all agree there are too many single family homes, don't we? This simple excursion would also a be a better value than the finances associated with a mistress. I won't even bother to go into the headache involved when a mistress is scorned. This nightmare is eliminated all together with some good ole fashioned prostituition.
Our economy would thrive. I am far from an expert on our fiscal standing, but we are in a recession. So we can all conclude the state of financial affairs are far from ideal. I do believe we have some sort of multi-trillion dollar deficit. Hmmm...How the hell do you get that far in the hole anyway?...Instead of printing more money (which is why the economy is jacked up in the first place) with legal, safe, controlled prostitution I think we could knock off about a trillion bucks every-y-y-y-...oh, 2 years or so. Do you think I'm far off? Maybe you underestimate the amount of money spent on "adult entertainment". Imagine Uncle Sam getting 50% of every dollar spent an orgasm. If each orgasm if worth about $200 (pending services offered could be more or less), that's alot of loot. I think I've just solved the poor school situation as well.
The health benefits to this simple solution can't even be expressed in words. If a man or woman could get some grade A loving without risk of contracting some nasty STD we could elimate government spending in this area all together. At least the "frequently cheated on spouse" could have some peace of mind knowing that their love starved counterpart could at least visit a "safe ho" versus some random tramp. Again, I know this is not your normal everyday solution, but these are drastic times people. Drastic times call for drastic measures. It is my duty to tell you the truth according to Kris The Critic.
So, how do we all feel? Are you with me? I bet you guys have come up with some additional benefits of prostituion haven't you? Don't be shy. Share them with the world.
Kris The Critic
Today's topic is sure to spark some controversy. Those of you who have enjoyed the Kris The Critic experience know that I do not just think "out of the box". The box doesn't even exist in my mind. For you "newbees", please realize that I have flaws just like everyone else. However, in the words of the late Tupac Shakur, "I just don't give a f#%@"...Have you ever been in that type of mood? Well, that's the mood I'm in now. Here's the disclaimer: THIS BLOG IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY, KEEP ALL OF YOUR RIGHTEOUS MUMBO JUMBO FAR AWAY FROM MY "COMMENTS" SECTION. This blog has some very practical uses. It may actually help rescue our drowning economy. In case you are can't read or don't have access to a television, America's balance sheet is ridiculously pathetic at best. Yours truly has an idea (albeit, uhhh...how shall I say this?...let's just say morally conflicted) that can solve a plethora of problems. Okay, you got me. I've been trying to work that word in a blog forever. If you don't know what it means get "off your duff" and look it up!...Here it is - drum roll please: THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA SHOULD LEGALIZE PROSTITUITON IN ALL 50 STATES!...by the way I don't count anything else we may own 'cause 51 just sounds stupid. Okay, back to today's subject. I will illustrate a few obvious societal benefits of prostitution.
The divorce rate would would come to a grinding halt if an unsatisfied spouse were able to seek "comfort" in a safe, controlled enviroment. Think about it before you say I'm going bananas. Here is an example - A husband or wife who's had it up to here could take off work early, visit a local brothel and still be home in time for dinner with the kids. Not only would this save the marriage, but it would also keep the family unit intact. I think we all agree there are too many single family homes, don't we? This simple excursion would also a be a better value than the finances associated with a mistress. I won't even bother to go into the headache involved when a mistress is scorned. This nightmare is eliminated all together with some good ole fashioned prostituition.
Our economy would thrive. I am far from an expert on our fiscal standing, but we are in a recession. So we can all conclude the state of financial affairs are far from ideal. I do believe we have some sort of multi-trillion dollar deficit. Hmmm...How the hell do you get that far in the hole anyway?...Instead of printing more money (which is why the economy is jacked up in the first place) with legal, safe, controlled prostitution I think we could knock off about a trillion bucks every-y-y-y-...oh, 2 years or so. Do you think I'm far off? Maybe you underestimate the amount of money spent on "adult entertainment". Imagine Uncle Sam getting 50% of every dollar spent an orgasm. If each orgasm if worth about $200 (pending services offered could be more or less), that's alot of loot. I think I've just solved the poor school situation as well.
The health benefits to this simple solution can't even be expressed in words. If a man or woman could get some grade A loving without risk of contracting some nasty STD we could elimate government spending in this area all together. At least the "frequently cheated on spouse" could have some peace of mind knowing that their love starved counterpart could at least visit a "safe ho" versus some random tramp. Again, I know this is not your normal everyday solution, but these are drastic times people. Drastic times call for drastic measures. It is my duty to tell you the truth according to Kris The Critic.
So, how do we all feel? Are you with me? I bet you guys have come up with some additional benefits of prostituion haven't you? Don't be shy. Share them with the world.
Kris The Critic
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Technology Sucks
Welcome Fans of Kris The Critic,
The time has come for this madness we call technology to stop. Okay, we all know that it will never stop, but maybe it could slow down a wee bit. Hmmm, that's not likely either. Better yet, it could simply become slightly less intrusive. Yeah, that's it. Do you feel me? Can a brother break it down?
Kris The Critic remembers a time not so long ago where if someone called me and I wasn't there, well...I wasn't there. That was it. They would wait a few hours and try to reach me again. This process would repeat until I answered the phone OR someone at my house picked up the phone OR they would just give up. Ahhh, life was so simple. You do see where this is going don't you? I didn't have to be bothered with a single solitary soul unless I damn well chose to. I am convinced that this is how life was intended to be. If you disagree, well...go screw yourself. I will attempt to illustrate to those of you with less gray matter than most why the following technological advancements have made human existence worse...And for those considered "players" (though I am retired) these items should avoided or used at a bare minimum. This is advice for my male AND female readers.
1) The beeper/pager - This was the SH@$...It was to telecommunications what space invaders was to video games - very archaic looking back, but ahead of its time when it was conceived (okay, so now you know I'm over 30...here's a cookie). These were initially designed for surgeons on call, but low and behold, it wasn't long before everyone had a beeper on their hip. And it wasn't long after that before some dope was getting chewed out because he didn't return the 15th emergency of the day fast enough. Especially if someone left the "911" code.
2) Call Waiting/3 way calling - Yes young people, this stuff didn't always exist. But it blows as much as the pager. Every guy or gal who has been secretly trapped on the line with 2 people (while one person stayed quiet) who found out you were trying to date both of them please raise your hand. Yup, I knew it. Who invented this anyway? It had to be some sort of asexual human devoid of any sexual feelings towards others.
3) Cell Phone - This really seemed like a great invention. Nope, try again. It was the precursor to GPS (which is a separate blog all together). How many of us have received or made 22 calls in a row because you knew they had that damn cell phone? I don't know who's worse - the crazy ass caller who made 22 calls...or the person who didn't just pick up and say "I'm busy dammit!". Either way, cell phones should be used for law enforcement purposes only.
4) Voice Mail - Do I really need am example for this one? I hated this when they had the little tiny cassette tapes (remember those?) ALL OF US have busted someone out or been busted out because of this technological "advancement"...Hell, this was definitely a set back. All of you cheaters be very careful. The next time you leave a steamy voicemail look out of your window to see if the white "cheaters" van is pulling into your driveway.
5) Email - This "advancement" is solely responsible for more breakups, firings, expulsions, etc. than any item on this list. Not only did some moron invent email, they invented the ability to cc and bcc. I hate this mutha#$&@^ with a passion. The next time I even think of sending an email, I'm going to smack myself and then use the telephone.
6) Facebook/MySpace/Twitter/"and any other dumb-ass addictive as crack social networking site" - I am sure as I type some poor sap's wife is throwing his sh$# out of the window because he hooked up with some ramdon chick who tracked him down on one of these so-called "networking" sites. These sites should be called "Ho-tracking" sites because their is alot of naughtiness going on with all these great friends you've lost touch with. If they were so great, why did you lose touch in the first damn place? The only thing that burns me up more is to know that all these geniuses that invented these sites are millionaires probably in their 30's. Damn, why didn't I invent one of these?
I hate technology. I would continue, but I'm about to throw my computer out of the window. I'm getting nervous just by typing.
Well people, were there any glaring omissions? thoughts?
Your Favorite Scribe,
Kris The Critic
The time has come for this madness we call technology to stop. Okay, we all know that it will never stop, but maybe it could slow down a wee bit. Hmmm, that's not likely either. Better yet, it could simply become slightly less intrusive. Yeah, that's it. Do you feel me? Can a brother break it down?
Kris The Critic remembers a time not so long ago where if someone called me and I wasn't there, well...I wasn't there. That was it. They would wait a few hours and try to reach me again. This process would repeat until I answered the phone OR someone at my house picked up the phone OR they would just give up. Ahhh, life was so simple. You do see where this is going don't you? I didn't have to be bothered with a single solitary soul unless I damn well chose to. I am convinced that this is how life was intended to be. If you disagree, well...go screw yourself. I will attempt to illustrate to those of you with less gray matter than most why the following technological advancements have made human existence worse...And for those considered "players" (though I am retired) these items should avoided or used at a bare minimum. This is advice for my male AND female readers.
1) The beeper/pager - This was the SH@$...It was to telecommunications what space invaders was to video games - very archaic looking back, but ahead of its time when it was conceived (okay, so now you know I'm over 30...here's a cookie). These were initially designed for surgeons on call, but low and behold, it wasn't long before everyone had a beeper on their hip. And it wasn't long after that before some dope was getting chewed out because he didn't return the 15th emergency of the day fast enough. Especially if someone left the "911" code.
2) Call Waiting/3 way calling - Yes young people, this stuff didn't always exist. But it blows as much as the pager. Every guy or gal who has been secretly trapped on the line with 2 people (while one person stayed quiet) who found out you were trying to date both of them please raise your hand. Yup, I knew it. Who invented this anyway? It had to be some sort of asexual human devoid of any sexual feelings towards others.
3) Cell Phone - This really seemed like a great invention. Nope, try again. It was the precursor to GPS (which is a separate blog all together). How many of us have received or made 22 calls in a row because you knew they had that damn cell phone? I don't know who's worse - the crazy ass caller who made 22 calls...or the person who didn't just pick up and say "I'm busy dammit!". Either way, cell phones should be used for law enforcement purposes only.
4) Voice Mail - Do I really need am example for this one? I hated this when they had the little tiny cassette tapes (remember those?) ALL OF US have busted someone out or been busted out because of this technological "advancement"...Hell, this was definitely a set back. All of you cheaters be very careful. The next time you leave a steamy voicemail look out of your window to see if the white "cheaters" van is pulling into your driveway.
5) Email - This "advancement" is solely responsible for more breakups, firings, expulsions, etc. than any item on this list. Not only did some moron invent email, they invented the ability to cc and bcc. I hate this mutha#$&@^ with a passion. The next time I even think of sending an email, I'm going to smack myself and then use the telephone.
6) Facebook/MySpace/Twitter/"and any other dumb-ass addictive as crack social networking site" - I am sure as I type some poor sap's wife is throwing his sh$# out of the window because he hooked up with some ramdon chick who tracked him down on one of these so-called "networking" sites. These sites should be called "Ho-tracking" sites because their is alot of naughtiness going on with all these great friends you've lost touch with. If they were so great, why did you lose touch in the first damn place? The only thing that burns me up more is to know that all these geniuses that invented these sites are millionaires probably in their 30's. Damn, why didn't I invent one of these?
I hate technology. I would continue, but I'm about to throw my computer out of the window. I'm getting nervous just by typing.
Well people, were there any glaring omissions? thoughts?
Your Favorite Scribe,
Kris The Critic
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