Tuesday, July 3, 2012
The Truth, The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth
Welcome Back Truth Seekers,
Sorry for the hiatus. I hope ya'll still love the coldest blogger on the planet. This read will have all of us delving into uncharted waters. Kris The Critic will examine some relationship issues that many feel are better left unsaid. Do such topics even exist? When considering the person whose bond with your being holds the highest of distinction, should such a topic exist? Granted, there are as many types of relationships as there are creatures on God's green earth. Therefore, we will reserve this discussion for the ultimate type of relationship. One based on Love. If you truly love someone, are you willing to give them - The Truth, The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth?
Kris the Critic Public Service announcement - If you are reading this with that special someone at this very moment, make up an excuse to close up this article and go do something else...The rest of us will wait (silent, uncomfortable pause). Ok, enough of the preamble mumbo jumbo. At times I tend to be slightly verbose (word of the week) - Deal with it, lol....We are about to look at a few (because there are many) reasons when the truth might be too big of a pill for our partner to swallow. I know a few of you out there are saying "I always tell the truth"...Fiddlesticks! (I'm cutting down on profanity this year) - and I like that expression. It adds a little levity to the situation. Sorry about that - I tend to ramble sometimes. So, without further adieu, here are "a few thangs" you may want to keep in the closet - or maybe not.
#5 MY MOM AND FRIENDS WERE RIGHT ABOUT YOU
This is saying that not only does your spouse's camp of advisers think you may not be worthy enough for your baby-cakes, YOUR BOO HAS STARTED TO DOUBT YOU AS WELL. This is a sure fire way to add tension to the most solid relationships. Instead, discuss problematic issues as a team.
#4 I CHEATED ON YOU WITH YOUR COUSIN, BEST FRIEND AND YOUR DAD This is what you would call a deal breaker people. I know no reader of this site has a secret past - and none of us are perfect. Hell, sometimes true love (or lust) finds us through what I call an "Incidental-Ex Referral". If you make this known, and make your spouse feel at ease, this issue can be dealt with. So, end it now, lol...
#3 MY EX NEVER DID THIS OR WAS BETTER AT X,Y and Z Nothing makes you want to commit a felony faster than being compared to an ex- especially when you are expressing issues. It's bad enough they were more successful, good-looking, and a porn star in the bedroom. Do you have to throw it in someone's face. REMEMBER, we all do a little reminiscing.
#2 I AM IN LOVE WITH....(drumroll please) - MY COWORKER Hmmmm. Tough one. Kris The Critic goes back and forth one this one. While most affairs do occur at the workplace - This is something the cheated "on" spouse may never let die even when it is over. But the rent still has to be paid. We'll table that problem another time.
#1 YOU NEED TO FIX THIS MONEY SITUATION This is tougher for the fellas. Fact is people, most relationships go south over money. The person with the "distressed" financial situation already feels the pressure a 1000 times more than you...And there you go, telling the person who adores you with all your faults - "You better fix this" instead of "Baby, it's ok - let's make a plan"... I'd love to share the other top 1278 THINGS NEVER TO REVEAL, but ya'll don't pay enough.
So, was Kris The Critic full of knowledge OR full of baby poo (see, didn't use profanity once)? Any additions?
I love you sick mofo's
KRIS THE CRITIC
Saturday, December 24, 2011
I'm Single....And The Holiday Season Makes Me Wanna Puke
Seasons Greetings,
We meet again earthlings. It's the most wonderful, wonderful time of the year. The Holidays are once again upon us people. I can feel the warmth of your karma on the keys of my laptop...smiling as you read this blog. Yup, there you are. "I see Karen, I see Josh, I see Marcie, I see see little Porsche" (Sorry, I felt so good, I just had a Romper Room flashback; and in the process, just dated myself for anyone who thought I was young, hot twenty something...hmmm). Okay, back to the time of year that we hold so dear in our hearts....Where were we? Do you have your favorite blanket over your lap and a nice hot cup of cocoa? Or are you sitting by the fire, gazing into the eyes of that special someone thinking "I am the luckiest person on the planet"? Is that a tear of joy I see making its way down your beaming face? (insert your thoughts here......)
I hear you out there - "HELL TO THE NO!" If you feel like most people really feel, this blog is for you. THIS BLOG IS FOR THE SINGLE PEOPLE WHO DESPISE THIS SEASON FOR ALL THE CRAP IT MAGNIFIES IN THEIR LIFE. My loyal followers, I feel you. KRIS THE CRITIC not only entertains and educates - he empathizes. This piece does not judge. It does not aim to right whats wrong, nor place blame. I don't care why you are single and lonely or how a time of year that used to makes you love life, now makes you contemplate random acts of violence against good, wholesome people. As a servant to the people, I will attempt to make you feel a little bit better about being solo at the moment. Below, we will examine a few situations to avoid, followed by alternative actions/solutions you may consider to make you feel good, even at the expense of others. - side note: All you holy rollers stop pointing fingers...sometimes it feels good to be naughty, you should try it. So, without further adieu, let's dissect this muthasucka:
Situation #5 - I HATE SEEING ALL THESE HAPPY SAPS SHOP WITH LOVED ONES, WHILE MY BROKE ASS IS TRYING TO BUY GIFTS I CAN'T AFFORD - FOR PEOPLE I'D RATHER NOT.
Solution - Get you hair and nails done (or your holiday fade), throw on your "Hollywood chic-I look like I have more money than I have" look and go to your favorite shopping destination. Now, look closely at all the seemingly happy couples and families. You will start to smile once see all the stress on their faces from overspending on the whining kids following them. You'll even feel better when you see their significant other peeping you, wishing he or she could make your acquaintance...See, single is not so bad.
Situation #4- I'M AT THE MALL, BUT CAN'T AFFORD THESE GIFTS.
Solution - Buy 2 gifts. One for whoever helped raised you and one for yourself. If they are deceased - great! One gift to buy for the one person who needs it most - You. Hell, let folks know the economy is bad and you can barely pay the rent...And their kids?...Ha! Kids get enough crap they don't deserve, nor need. Let their parents be the suckers. OR Invite them all over for a sleepover to watch Seinfeld re-runs as a gift. Kids are blind to true genius. WALLAH! Done. Who wins again? YOU.
Situation #3- I HATE GOING TO HOLIDAY OFFICE PARTIES ALONE.
Solution - See the dress code in Situation #5 and bring a super-hot date. If you don't have a platonic friend who has looks to make (insert your celebrity fantasy person here), then hire someone (oh don't be proud now, you've done worse...and that pride is probably while you are in this situation). YES, HIRE SOMEONE! Anyhoo...Get this person to help make you look better in the eyes of coworkers...AND, if they are charming as well, they can gather valuable secret work-intel...Wow, I think I see a promotion coming. Can you spell b-l-a-c-k-m-a-i-l?
Situation #2 - I FEEL SAD WHEN I TALK TO ALL MY FRIENDS WITH HUSBANDS OR BOYFRIENDS
Solution - This one is easy. Call a few of the aforementioned friends and ask about what wonderful plans the happy couple has for the holidays. If you call more than 3 friends, chances are that they will tell you that life in paradise ain't all its cracked up to be. As a matter of fact, by the time they finish crying about their triflin' ass mate - You will feel like a winner. Oh, and finish the conversation with something like this ..."Wow, I am so lucky to be single...I'm gonna pray for you"...LOL
Situation #1 - I HAVEN'T HAD ANY GOOD LOVING IN SO LONG, IT'S DOWNRIGHT PATHETIC.
Solution - Remember the hired help in Situation #3. Go ahead...add $200 at end the night right and have the best sex of your life. Hell, you deserve it. And the bonus, he or she won't ask for a gift or be there in the morning to get on your nerves.
And there you have it...Now, how do you feel? No thank you needed...Just spread the link to friends in need and show KRIS THE CRITIC a little love on facebook. Until next time, Embrace being single!
KRIS THE CRITIC
We meet again earthlings. It's the most wonderful, wonderful time of the year. The Holidays are once again upon us people. I can feel the warmth of your karma on the keys of my laptop...smiling as you read this blog. Yup, there you are. "I see Karen, I see Josh, I see Marcie, I see see little Porsche" (Sorry, I felt so good, I just had a Romper Room flashback; and in the process, just dated myself for anyone who thought I was young, hot twenty something...hmmm). Okay, back to the time of year that we hold so dear in our hearts....Where were we? Do you have your favorite blanket over your lap and a nice hot cup of cocoa? Or are you sitting by the fire, gazing into the eyes of that special someone thinking "I am the luckiest person on the planet"? Is that a tear of joy I see making its way down your beaming face? (insert your thoughts here......)
I hear you out there - "HELL TO THE NO!" If you feel like most people really feel, this blog is for you. THIS BLOG IS FOR THE SINGLE PEOPLE WHO DESPISE THIS SEASON FOR ALL THE CRAP IT MAGNIFIES IN THEIR LIFE. My loyal followers, I feel you. KRIS THE CRITIC not only entertains and educates - he empathizes. This piece does not judge. It does not aim to right whats wrong, nor place blame. I don't care why you are single and lonely or how a time of year that used to makes you love life, now makes you contemplate random acts of violence against good, wholesome people. As a servant to the people, I will attempt to make you feel a little bit better about being solo at the moment. Below, we will examine a few situations to avoid, followed by alternative actions/solutions you may consider to make you feel good, even at the expense of others. - side note: All you holy rollers stop pointing fingers...sometimes it feels good to be naughty, you should try it. So, without further adieu, let's dissect this muthasucka:
Situation #5 - I HATE SEEING ALL THESE HAPPY SAPS SHOP WITH LOVED ONES, WHILE MY BROKE ASS IS TRYING TO BUY GIFTS I CAN'T AFFORD - FOR PEOPLE I'D RATHER NOT.
Solution - Get you hair and nails done (or your holiday fade), throw on your "Hollywood chic-I look like I have more money than I have" look and go to your favorite shopping destination. Now, look closely at all the seemingly happy couples and families. You will start to smile once see all the stress on their faces from overspending on the whining kids following them. You'll even feel better when you see their significant other peeping you, wishing he or she could make your acquaintance...See, single is not so bad.
Situation #4- I'M AT THE MALL, BUT CAN'T AFFORD THESE GIFTS.
Solution - Buy 2 gifts. One for whoever helped raised you and one for yourself. If they are deceased - great! One gift to buy for the one person who needs it most - You. Hell, let folks know the economy is bad and you can barely pay the rent...And their kids?...Ha! Kids get enough crap they don't deserve, nor need. Let their parents be the suckers. OR Invite them all over for a sleepover to watch Seinfeld re-runs as a gift. Kids are blind to true genius. WALLAH! Done. Who wins again? YOU.
Situation #3- I HATE GOING TO HOLIDAY OFFICE PARTIES ALONE.
Solution - See the dress code in Situation #5 and bring a super-hot date. If you don't have a platonic friend who has looks to make (insert your celebrity fantasy person here), then hire someone (oh don't be proud now, you've done worse...and that pride is probably while you are in this situation). YES, HIRE SOMEONE! Anyhoo...Get this person to help make you look better in the eyes of coworkers...AND, if they are charming as well, they can gather valuable secret work-intel...Wow, I think I see a promotion coming. Can you spell b-l-a-c-k-m-a-i-l?
Situation #2 - I FEEL SAD WHEN I TALK TO ALL MY FRIENDS WITH HUSBANDS OR BOYFRIENDS
Solution - This one is easy. Call a few of the aforementioned friends and ask about what wonderful plans the happy couple has for the holidays. If you call more than 3 friends, chances are that they will tell you that life in paradise ain't all its cracked up to be. As a matter of fact, by the time they finish crying about their triflin' ass mate - You will feel like a winner. Oh, and finish the conversation with something like this ..."Wow, I am so lucky to be single...I'm gonna pray for you"...LOL
Situation #1 - I HAVEN'T HAD ANY GOOD LOVING IN SO LONG, IT'S DOWNRIGHT PATHETIC.
Solution - Remember the hired help in Situation #3. Go ahead...add $200 at end the night right and have the best sex of your life. Hell, you deserve it. And the bonus, he or she won't ask for a gift or be there in the morning to get on your nerves.
And there you have it...Now, how do you feel? No thank you needed...Just spread the link to friends in need and show KRIS THE CRITIC a little love on facebook. Until next time, Embrace being single!
KRIS THE CRITIC
Saturday, April 30, 2011
How To Marry A Professional Athlete - The Business Plan
Hello friends,
Today's topic will either be seen as a tool for jumping up a few tax brackets or fodder beauty shop gossip. As always, I seek to entertain or educate. Today, KRIS THE CRITIC will do both. COMING UP 101 is today's course. You master this class and the rewards make an A+ seem like a Scratch N Sniff at best (hey, do they still make those? - Am I telling my age?...hmmm). So class, please take your seats. The Professor is about to speak.
To make it plain, this is about marrying a baller, period. So what if it makes you look like a gold digger. Gold Digging is not a crime in America. In fact, it's what this great nation was built upon. Ladies, don't get me wrong, the odds of landing one of these guys is like 1 in 135,000,000. But, you have a better shot at "the come up" than playing lottery....and please, don't sit there reading saying "I don't play lottery" - because you have. Sorry I digressed, back to class. Without further adieu, let's delve into the matter at land. Here's a few ideas from KRIS THE CRITIC that may help you catch a young millionaire.
#5 BECOME A SEASON TICKET HOLDER IN A NOT-SO-POPULAR TOWN
This one is simple, it's easier to meet one of these guys after a game in cities like Salt Lake City, Utah or Portland Oregon versus New York or Chicago, right? You can also check into the main hotels and run into one of these guys at breakfast. Which hotel? These towns usually only have 1 or 2 good ones to pick from, so there you go. Oh, if you don't follow sports closely - the guy you are looking for is black, 6'6" or above and very athletic looking.
#4 BEFRIEND A CELEBRITY OR SOMEONE IN THE BIZ
Face it, when is the last time you got invited to The NBA Players Association Party? Uhmmm, thought so. Ladies, you have got to be there to let him make his move. If your cousin's friend's little brother's baby's momma is third cousins to Shaunie O'neal or Kim Kardashian give her a call. That chick probably attends something special every now and then. At least start dating a referee or camera guy. These dudes are more accessible. Get into the party and start switchin (LMAO).
#3 BECOME A GROUPIE
Don't frown, groupie's get a bad wrap. I personally think it takes brains and hard work to be a groupie. I mean, these chicks are on the grind. They travel everywhere their target goes. They sometime sleep with doormen and limo drivers. They schmooze their way into events in ways unbeknown to me. Okay, maybe they don't have brains. However, I have checked out a few Real Housewives Shows (or girlfriends, jumpoffs, whatever) and obviously this has worked for a few women.
#2 BE SUPER FINE
I hear what you're thinking. Why do I need to be fine. I have a brains, a good job, degrees, etc...Here's why - Because fine women and rich men ALWAYS find each other...since the beginning of time. But I feel you. Everyone doesn't look like Halle Berry. Therefore, be the best you that you can be. Do things like - hit the gym, keep your weight down, keep the hair, nails, and wardrobe tight. You never know when you and your future baller will bump into each other at Target. And if all that fails and you are still butt ugly - hang with some pretty girlfriends. Let them hook n'em and you snatch 'em
and #1....BE A WHITE GIRL
Sistas! Do not start smashing up your computer screen. KRIS THE CRITIC gives advice to everyone from all walks of life. This last tidbit is for my Caucasians sisters who may not be clued in on something. Here it is - A lot of these country brothers will cut off a pinky toe for a white girl on his arm. Why? self hate maybe...Who knows. However, most of us can cite a plethora of real life examples. If you are a white girl, all you have to do is bat your eye at a baller player and he will marry you in one month (See the Khloe and Lamar Show for proof).
That's a wrap folks. What do you think? Will some of you hit the lottery soon? I hope so...and don't forget my wedding invite.
Have a wonderful life,
KRIS THE CRITIC
Today's topic will either be seen as a tool for jumping up a few tax brackets or fodder beauty shop gossip. As always, I seek to entertain or educate. Today, KRIS THE CRITIC will do both. COMING UP 101 is today's course. You master this class and the rewards make an A+ seem like a Scratch N Sniff at best (hey, do they still make those? - Am I telling my age?...hmmm). So class, please take your seats. The Professor is about to speak.
To make it plain, this is about marrying a baller, period. So what if it makes you look like a gold digger. Gold Digging is not a crime in America. In fact, it's what this great nation was built upon. Ladies, don't get me wrong, the odds of landing one of these guys is like 1 in 135,000,000. But, you have a better shot at "the come up" than playing lottery....and please, don't sit there reading saying "I don't play lottery" - because you have. Sorry I digressed, back to class. Without further adieu, let's delve into the matter at land. Here's a few ideas from KRIS THE CRITIC that may help you catch a young millionaire.
#5 BECOME A SEASON TICKET HOLDER IN A NOT-SO-POPULAR TOWN
This one is simple, it's easier to meet one of these guys after a game in cities like Salt Lake City, Utah or Portland Oregon versus New York or Chicago, right? You can also check into the main hotels and run into one of these guys at breakfast. Which hotel? These towns usually only have 1 or 2 good ones to pick from, so there you go. Oh, if you don't follow sports closely - the guy you are looking for is black, 6'6" or above and very athletic looking.
#4 BEFRIEND A CELEBRITY OR SOMEONE IN THE BIZ
Face it, when is the last time you got invited to The NBA Players Association Party? Uhmmm, thought so. Ladies, you have got to be there to let him make his move. If your cousin's friend's little brother's baby's momma is third cousins to Shaunie O'neal or Kim Kardashian give her a call. That chick probably attends something special every now and then. At least start dating a referee or camera guy. These dudes are more accessible. Get into the party and start switchin (LMAO).
#3 BECOME A GROUPIE
Don't frown, groupie's get a bad wrap. I personally think it takes brains and hard work to be a groupie. I mean, these chicks are on the grind. They travel everywhere their target goes. They sometime sleep with doormen and limo drivers. They schmooze their way into events in ways unbeknown to me. Okay, maybe they don't have brains. However, I have checked out a few Real Housewives Shows (or girlfriends, jumpoffs, whatever) and obviously this has worked for a few women.
#2 BE SUPER FINE
I hear what you're thinking. Why do I need to be fine. I have a brains, a good job, degrees, etc...Here's why - Because fine women and rich men ALWAYS find each other...since the beginning of time. But I feel you. Everyone doesn't look like Halle Berry. Therefore, be the best you that you can be. Do things like - hit the gym, keep your weight down, keep the hair, nails, and wardrobe tight. You never know when you and your future baller will bump into each other at Target. And if all that fails and you are still butt ugly - hang with some pretty girlfriends. Let them hook n'em and you snatch 'em
and #1....BE A WHITE GIRL
Sistas! Do not start smashing up your computer screen. KRIS THE CRITIC gives advice to everyone from all walks of life. This last tidbit is for my Caucasians sisters who may not be clued in on something. Here it is - A lot of these country brothers will cut off a pinky toe for a white girl on his arm. Why? self hate maybe...Who knows. However, most of us can cite a plethora of real life examples. If you are a white girl, all you have to do is bat your eye at a baller player and he will marry you in one month (See the Khloe and Lamar Show for proof).
That's a wrap folks. What do you think? Will some of you hit the lottery soon? I hope so...and don't forget my wedding invite.
Have a wonderful life,
KRIS THE CRITIC
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Valentines Day...Bah! Humbug!
Hello Friends,
Each year we hold a worldwide commemoration on February 14th to celebrate love and affection between intimate companions. Ahhh, so seemingly sweet considering all of the modern day madness we are forced to ingest on a regular basis. Right? Think about it - murders, starvation, natural disasters are becoming as common as celebrity sex tapes. Thus, it would seem ideal that at least on one occasion we have a day that will never be marred with any sort of negativity. Typically, KRIS THE CRITIC unleashes unparallelled advice on how to "get the most" out of a relationship. However, this blog is dedicated to the one whose love life is in complete shambles...So, if the thought of seeing couple hugged up in complete bliss makes you wanna set both of those lovey-dovey bastards on fire, THIS BLOG IS FOR YOU. THIS IS A VALENTINE'S DAY HATER BLOG.
To take a page out of the playbook of the world most famous Christmas Hater, Ebenezer Scrooge - Valentine's Day...Bah! Humbug! SIDE NOTE: If you are reading this and have never heard of Ebenezer Scrooge, STOP READING...DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200. Get your dumb butt online and look up Charles Dicken's 1843 novel, A Christmas Carol stat! KRIS THE CRITIC loves entertaining you, but I have to do my civic duty and educate my slow followers as well. Ok, back to the here and now. V-day haters, this is one writer's attempt to prevent some of you from committing suicide because of a past love lost. Here is my partial list of why Valentine's Day is for suckers....These are in no particular order -
#5 It cost too damn much - Face it. A card, dinner and a movie just ain't what it used to be. Hell, $5 + $40 ($60 if drinks are served) + $30 movie, popcorn and drinks...That's a $100!, I didn't even include gas. A C-note to show my love. Love shouldn't cost a thing, right?
#4 I really don't like this person. Unless you are still in the "new person-new relationship-still excited-feeling like a teenager thinking they are in love for the first time - part of the relationship" Then why pretend you are? The truth is, I bet this person has pissed you off enough that you'd rather be at the club speed dating...
#3 You didn't feel like having sex - (This is direct to the single ladies) Face it. That dude didn't put his Easter suit on, spend a grip on you, or look up all those bad jokes just for a hand shake at the end of the evening. Don't start mean-mugging the screen now. You were smiling when you ran up that dinner bill. Now keep smiling and hook the brother up.
#2 You might get caught out there Playa (This is directed to the single fellas) Let's cut ALL THE B.S. You know you are playing the field. Why risk taking one of your jump-offs out publicly? You could mess up all the progress on the women you told you were "single" if you are caught. If you are a Playa - Fake a bad cold for 2 days leading up and 1 day after Valentines Day..LOL (I know, I'm sick)
#1 You ain't got a man - You ain't got a woman Don't waste resources raising Hallmark stock by purchasing candy, cards, flowers etc for relatives and friends...Embrace being single. There are plenty of folks in your position. Use that cash and throw a V-Day Hater party.
Well, it's a wrap. I leave you with a poem from a good friend and official Consigliere of KRIS THE CRITIC...Enjoy -
Hearts and kisses and flowers galore, what the hell is all that shit for? / People get mushy and start acting queer, it's definitely the most annoying day of the year. / The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit because I think love is a huge crock of shit. / So here are my thoughts, what else can I say. Love bites my ass, fuck Valentines Day!!
Thoughts??? KRIS THE CRITIC
Each year we hold a worldwide commemoration on February 14th to celebrate love and affection between intimate companions. Ahhh, so seemingly sweet considering all of the modern day madness we are forced to ingest on a regular basis. Right? Think about it - murders, starvation, natural disasters are becoming as common as celebrity sex tapes. Thus, it would seem ideal that at least on one occasion we have a day that will never be marred with any sort of negativity. Typically, KRIS THE CRITIC unleashes unparallelled advice on how to "get the most" out of a relationship. However, this blog is dedicated to the one whose love life is in complete shambles...So, if the thought of seeing couple hugged up in complete bliss makes you wanna set both of those lovey-dovey bastards on fire, THIS BLOG IS FOR YOU. THIS IS A VALENTINE'S DAY HATER BLOG.
To take a page out of the playbook of the world most famous Christmas Hater, Ebenezer Scrooge - Valentine's Day...Bah! Humbug! SIDE NOTE: If you are reading this and have never heard of Ebenezer Scrooge, STOP READING...DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200. Get your dumb butt online and look up Charles Dicken's 1843 novel, A Christmas Carol stat! KRIS THE CRITIC loves entertaining you, but I have to do my civic duty and educate my slow followers as well. Ok, back to the here and now. V-day haters, this is one writer's attempt to prevent some of you from committing suicide because of a past love lost. Here is my partial list of why Valentine's Day is for suckers....These are in no particular order -
#5 It cost too damn much - Face it. A card, dinner and a movie just ain't what it used to be. Hell, $5 + $40 ($60 if drinks are served) + $30 movie, popcorn and drinks...That's a $100!, I didn't even include gas. A C-note to show my love. Love shouldn't cost a thing, right?
#4 I really don't like this person. Unless you are still in the "new person-new relationship-still excited-feeling like a teenager thinking they are in love for the first time - part of the relationship" Then why pretend you are? The truth is, I bet this person has pissed you off enough that you'd rather be at the club speed dating...
#3 You didn't feel like having sex - (This is direct to the single ladies) Face it. That dude didn't put his Easter suit on, spend a grip on you, or look up all those bad jokes just for a hand shake at the end of the evening. Don't start mean-mugging the screen now. You were smiling when you ran up that dinner bill. Now keep smiling and hook the brother up.
#2 You might get caught out there Playa (This is directed to the single fellas) Let's cut ALL THE B.S. You know you are playing the field. Why risk taking one of your jump-offs out publicly? You could mess up all the progress on the women you told you were "single" if you are caught. If you are a Playa - Fake a bad cold for 2 days leading up and 1 day after Valentines Day..LOL (I know, I'm sick)
#1 You ain't got a man - You ain't got a woman Don't waste resources raising Hallmark stock by purchasing candy, cards, flowers etc for relatives and friends...Embrace being single. There are plenty of folks in your position. Use that cash and throw a V-Day Hater party.
Well, it's a wrap. I leave you with a poem from a good friend and official Consigliere of KRIS THE CRITIC...Enjoy -
Hearts and kisses and flowers galore, what the hell is all that shit for? / People get mushy and start acting queer, it's definitely the most annoying day of the year. / The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit because I think love is a huge crock of shit. / So here are my thoughts, what else can I say. Love bites my ass, fuck Valentines Day!!
Thoughts??? KRIS THE CRITIC
Monday, December 27, 2010
New Year's Resolution - THIS IS MY YEAR!
Seasons Greetings,
Wow...Has it been a year already? Alas, time waits for no one. So people, how was your year?...Surely, you have done some sort of self-evaluation. Haven't you?...People! How do you expect to achieve, climb or excel when you eschew any sort of tangible measuring techniques. ...Your employer evaluates your work performance, right? Teachers give you grades, correct?...Exactly. What I am saying brothers and sisters is that you must begin to check yourself...REGULARLY. Hmmm, I see we really have our work cut out for us, Don't we? Did you even keep a copy of the gems I doled out last year?...No?...Then go slap yourself. Those were not resolutions for the year. They were resolutions for your life! Go to the Kris The Critic archives and get that information. That's why your year sucked. You blew it. Wait a sec...Slap yourself again.
However, you did MAKE it to another year. Unfortunately, there are those who were here last year at this very same moment, who are not here now? "Can I get an Amen"?...I said, "CAN I GET AN AMEN!" - Do you smell me church? This means that no matter how many times you screwed up, you have been granted something more valuable than gold - time. That makes all of us some really lucky muth@#$@*%! So, all of you Ebeneezers, What are you going to do with this second chance? Will you remain an ingrate and waste more precious time. I know you won't. I hate to sound cliche, but it is time to seize the moment! I want you to repeat the following mantra, "THIS IS MY YEAR"...."THIS IS MY YEAR!"...Now, you can't go achieve greatness without some sort of road map. So, Kris The Critic will now bequeath some resolutions that will make you a better person.
#5) Dump the losers - Some people have a job or mission to hang out with born losers. Well, unless you are a priest, lawyer, or police officer...leave those folks alone. They typically are too dumb or selfish to add any positive value to your existence. You don't have to hurt their feelings - just say something like this..."Hey, this year I'm going to take a well deserved, self-imposed sabbatical from all of the dregs of society". They'll probable think you are going off to join a missionary in another country.
#4 Regain some health - Fat, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol are killing just as many people as cigarettes and crack. Don't just stand there with a Dunkin Donut in your hand - Do something about it! Here's a few wild, out-of-the box ideas to help you out...visit a doctor, eat a salad every now and then (and leave out the cup of ranch dressing), and finally admit that you are not thick, you are indeed a fat ass.
#3 Talk to your kids - This may be one of the most important resolutions you can have. Lil Wayne and Nicki Minaj can not continue to advise our kids on finances, sexuality, and the importance of marijuana and sizzurp. This means after you get home from work - Do the unthinkable! Ask your kids how was their day? Who their friends are? What their future plans are? ...Whatever you do, do something positive everyday. Maybe one day, they will take care of you.
#2 Find a mate - That's right. Finally get a man, a woman or whatever it is you are into. I know I am personally sick of all the damn whining about lack of a mate. Seriously, studies show that those involved in relationships are stressed out less and generally happier people. Stress leads to depression, heart attacks, strokes and a bunch of other bad stuff. Besides, won't it feel good showing up at a few functions with folks saying "So, who is this?" Kris The Critic doesn't care what you have to do to get one (keep it legal, though), JUST DO IT.
#1 Pray - This shouldn't even be a resolution. It should be a done multiple times a day like brushing your teeth. Hell, a lot of folks don't do that...lol. But trust your favorite scribe. It is nourishment for the soul. Greatness is not done alone. Ask a few people who are where you want to be. Praying is as important as drinking water. Don't believe me?...Then you don't need resolutions, you need a miracle.
So, IS THIS YOUR YEAR? Do you have any resolutions to share?
Happy New Year!
Kris the Critic
Wow...Has it been a year already? Alas, time waits for no one. So people, how was your year?...Surely, you have done some sort of self-evaluation. Haven't you?...People! How do you expect to achieve, climb or excel when you eschew any sort of tangible measuring techniques. ...Your employer evaluates your work performance, right? Teachers give you grades, correct?...Exactly. What I am saying brothers and sisters is that you must begin to check yourself...REGULARLY. Hmmm, I see we really have our work cut out for us, Don't we? Did you even keep a copy of the gems I doled out last year?...No?...Then go slap yourself. Those were not resolutions for the year. They were resolutions for your life! Go to the Kris The Critic archives and get that information. That's why your year sucked. You blew it. Wait a sec...Slap yourself again.
However, you did MAKE it to another year. Unfortunately, there are those who were here last year at this very same moment, who are not here now? "Can I get an Amen"?...I said, "CAN I GET AN AMEN!" - Do you smell me church? This means that no matter how many times you screwed up, you have been granted something more valuable than gold - time. That makes all of us some really lucky muth@#$@*%! So, all of you Ebeneezers, What are you going to do with this second chance? Will you remain an ingrate and waste more precious time. I know you won't. I hate to sound cliche, but it is time to seize the moment! I want you to repeat the following mantra, "THIS IS MY YEAR"...."THIS IS MY YEAR!"...Now, you can't go achieve greatness without some sort of road map. So, Kris The Critic will now bequeath some resolutions that will make you a better person.
#5) Dump the losers - Some people have a job or mission to hang out with born losers. Well, unless you are a priest, lawyer, or police officer...leave those folks alone. They typically are too dumb or selfish to add any positive value to your existence. You don't have to hurt their feelings - just say something like this..."Hey, this year I'm going to take a well deserved, self-imposed sabbatical from all of the dregs of society". They'll probable think you are going off to join a missionary in another country.
#4 Regain some health - Fat, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol are killing just as many people as cigarettes and crack. Don't just stand there with a Dunkin Donut in your hand - Do something about it! Here's a few wild, out-of-the box ideas to help you out...visit a doctor, eat a salad every now and then (and leave out the cup of ranch dressing), and finally admit that you are not thick, you are indeed a fat ass.
#3 Talk to your kids - This may be one of the most important resolutions you can have. Lil Wayne and Nicki Minaj can not continue to advise our kids on finances, sexuality, and the importance of marijuana and sizzurp. This means after you get home from work - Do the unthinkable! Ask your kids how was their day? Who their friends are? What their future plans are? ...Whatever you do, do something positive everyday. Maybe one day, they will take care of you.
#2 Find a mate - That's right. Finally get a man, a woman or whatever it is you are into. I know I am personally sick of all the damn whining about lack of a mate. Seriously, studies show that those involved in relationships are stressed out less and generally happier people. Stress leads to depression, heart attacks, strokes and a bunch of other bad stuff. Besides, won't it feel good showing up at a few functions with folks saying "So, who is this?" Kris The Critic doesn't care what you have to do to get one (keep it legal, though), JUST DO IT.
#1 Pray - This shouldn't even be a resolution. It should be a done multiple times a day like brushing your teeth. Hell, a lot of folks don't do that...lol. But trust your favorite scribe. It is nourishment for the soul. Greatness is not done alone. Ask a few people who are where you want to be. Praying is as important as drinking water. Don't believe me?...Then you don't need resolutions, you need a miracle.
So, IS THIS YOUR YEAR? Do you have any resolutions to share?
Happy New Year!
Kris the Critic
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Speak English, Dammit!
Hello Seekers of Kris The Critic,
Today's piece will help educate the masses. People, we have an issue whose importance ranks right up there with health care and education. Unfortunately, it is being largely ignored. No, this blog has absolutely nada to do with my sisters and brothers who live south of the border. Their quest for what's left of the American dream is not only understood, but supported by this scribe. If you have ever been to any small Mexican border town, you'd support a mass exodus as well... Hmmm... that's a blog for another day.
However, this plight rears its ugly head predominantly within the African-American community. Nope - I am not referring to crime, obesity, pregnant teens, single moms, cancer, drugs, diabetes, prison, STD's or high cholesterol... Damn, it's hard being black! ....So, what in sam hill am I talking about? (And no, I know nothing of sam hill; it just felt right write typing it)... I am referring to the inability of a large portion of my people to correctly use the English language. Ahhh... now you smell me. We owe it to future generations to check someone whenever they try and chop up the language into something that should not be considered English. We can't tackle any real issues until we, as a people, can effectively communicate. So, without further adieu, here are some common violations... And don't laugh; you've probably committed a few offenses on the list... And these are in no particular order -
#10 Ask vs. Ax - I don't know why folks like to mispronounce such a tiny word, but it really bugs me... If you hear your child saying, "Can I Ax a question?... Ax it ASAP.
#9 Four vs. Foe - Okay, maybe I have done this once or twice, BUT I am very aware of it... It just sounds funny. "Yo, let me get foe of those"... lol... See what I mean.
#8 Bogus vs. Bogish - I am not lying. Do not ask me where I've been to have witnessed this; but it happens. And the worst part, I don't think most folks know what it means.
#7 Labtop vs. Laptop - I am embarrassed for the race just to admit that I know this happens in the hood. Wow - This ebonic epedemic is worse than I thought.
#6 Converse vs. Coversate - I blame this on the Notorious B.I.G. "Conversate for a few / cause in a few /we gon do / what we came to do" Go ahead and finish the line... Well, boo, conversate does not exist.
#5 I'll use it in a sentence... "You boys stop that wrasslin!"... Somewhere, someone is reading this saying to themselves "What's wrong with that sentence?" - nothing dog, nothing.
#4 Prostate vs. Prostrate - Hey, I'll issue a pass on this one. The importance of getting this organ checked has really been publicized only in recent times. So, however you choose to pronounce it, men should go get it check around age 40.
#3 Hair Done vs. Hair Did - Now, If your hair did some tricks, I stand corrected. However, if you are going to get your hair "did" - just stop it and start practicing getting your hair done. Go ahead; try it. It doesn't hurt.
#2 Stop adding syllables to words when trying to emphasize something. Here's an example - "LeBron James is a great ath-uh-lete". Athlete has two syllables.
#1 It is an oldie, but goodie... The word "teeth" should never be pronounced "teef." Got it? Good.
Again, this is just a small example of of a much bigger problem. It seems trivial, but speaking well can do wonders for a person's life. Hell, just ask that Senator from Chicago.
So, Any one else heard any words that are commonly butchered? What did I leave out?
KRIS THE CRITIC
Today's piece will help educate the masses. People, we have an issue whose importance ranks right up there with health care and education. Unfortunately, it is being largely ignored. No, this blog has absolutely nada to do with my sisters and brothers who live south of the border. Their quest for what's left of the American dream is not only understood, but supported by this scribe. If you have ever been to any small Mexican border town, you'd support a mass exodus as well... Hmmm... that's a blog for another day.
However, this plight rears its ugly head predominantly within the African-American community. Nope - I am not referring to crime, obesity, pregnant teens, single moms, cancer, drugs, diabetes, prison, STD's or high cholesterol... Damn, it's hard being black! ....So, what in sam hill am I talking about? (And no, I know nothing of sam hill; it just felt right write typing it)... I am referring to the inability of a large portion of my people to correctly use the English language. Ahhh... now you smell me. We owe it to future generations to check someone whenever they try and chop up the language into something that should not be considered English. We can't tackle any real issues until we, as a people, can effectively communicate. So, without further adieu, here are some common violations... And don't laugh; you've probably committed a few offenses on the list... And these are in no particular order -
#10 Ask vs. Ax - I don't know why folks like to mispronounce such a tiny word, but it really bugs me... If you hear your child saying, "Can I Ax a question?... Ax it ASAP.
#9 Four vs. Foe - Okay, maybe I have done this once or twice, BUT I am very aware of it... It just sounds funny. "Yo, let me get foe of those"... lol... See what I mean.
#8 Bogus vs. Bogish - I am not lying. Do not ask me where I've been to have witnessed this; but it happens. And the worst part, I don't think most folks know what it means.
#7 Labtop vs. Laptop - I am embarrassed for the race just to admit that I know this happens in the hood. Wow - This ebonic epedemic is worse than I thought.
#6 Converse vs. Coversate - I blame this on the Notorious B.I.G. "Conversate for a few / cause in a few /we gon do / what we came to do" Go ahead and finish the line... Well, boo, conversate does not exist.
#5 I'll use it in a sentence... "You boys stop that wrasslin!"... Somewhere, someone is reading this saying to themselves "What's wrong with that sentence?" - nothing dog, nothing.
#4 Prostate vs. Prostrate - Hey, I'll issue a pass on this one. The importance of getting this organ checked has really been publicized only in recent times. So, however you choose to pronounce it, men should go get it check around age 40.
#3 Hair Done vs. Hair Did - Now, If your hair did some tricks, I stand corrected. However, if you are going to get your hair "did" - just stop it and start practicing getting your hair done. Go ahead; try it. It doesn't hurt.
#2 Stop adding syllables to words when trying to emphasize something. Here's an example - "LeBron James is a great ath-uh-lete". Athlete has two syllables.
#1 It is an oldie, but goodie... The word "teeth" should never be pronounced "teef." Got it? Good.
Again, this is just a small example of of a much bigger problem. It seems trivial, but speaking well can do wonders for a person's life. Hell, just ask that Senator from Chicago.
So, Any one else heard any words that are commonly butchered? What did I leave out?
KRIS THE CRITIC
Monday, October 11, 2010
The Hood Ain't What It Used To Be
Did you miss me?
Today, I am not the happiest of scribes. We will get to why I am feeling slightly out of sorts in a minute. The day started out nice enough...well, as nice as The Windy City can be at this time of year. The serene skies actually made me forget about the messed up economy and this god-awful place I go to everyday called a job. Hmmm...I hope my boss doesn't read Kris The Critic. Oh well. This particular day I decided to take a drive through my old neighborhood. Growing up, there was no better place to be during the summer and fall than the south side of Chicago. Even for those who do not hail from Chi-City, I believe you have fond memories of your childhood neighborhood. Close your eyes and think back to the things...Awwww...I tee a wittle smile...
That brings me back to why I'm feeling a little blue. I don't know if I'll ever get that feeling back. Feel me?...not yet. Take a walk with ya boy down memory lane. Let's see if the old grey matter can remember what made the hood such a good place to be. These are of course, in no particular order:
#1) Sports - When was the last time you saw a group of kids play a game of piggy softball, or draw a square box for a game of strike out, hide and seek, red light - green light, football...ANYTHING? It just doesn't happen. No wonder kids 12 years old are so fat now. Sure, we still see a few basketball games, but that's just foreplay to someone getting shot.
#2) Pink Cookies - I know I personally ate about 2000 or so of these from age 5 to 15, so why did they stop being sold? I miss those little sugary treats. I miss all penny candy. Now you can only buy Gyros from foreigners. Back then you could get a bag full of candy for about 87 cents..Real sugar too. No high fructose corn syrup...What was your favorite?...Chiko Sticks, Mike & Ike's, Now & Laters (or Nownlaters as I called them), Wine candy?...
#3) Curfew - I know I didn't dream about this. BUT, didn't all youth (by law) have to be off the street around a certain time? Or was that just my mother who yelled out of the window at 8pm, everyday? If I wasn't in by the time the street lights came on, there were serious consequences and repercussions. They bring back curfew, crime will go down, guaranteed.
#4) Music - There was a time when you could actually hear the words of a nice song and sing along to it. All my friends would walk and sing our favorite songs. That's because someone always had a boom box (forget about an iPod). Anyone could pick up a Jet magazine, go to the hot singles page, and know ALL top 20 songs. Now, I don't know what the heck is being said or who is singing it...But we do know if it's made this decade it about naked women, sex, money and cars...Music sucks!
#5) Neighbors...nice ones and mean ones. It truly takes a village to raise a child. I didn't like it back then, but we all had someone on our block who would go nuts if you walked in their grass. As a matter of fact, most neighbors would know the kids names, break up fights, or even feed you. Today, we don't know half the people on our block.
So, we are all grown up. We have nice homes and nice cars...We didn't have much back then did we? But in truth, it was all we needed. What do you miss about the hood?
Kris The Critic
Today, I am not the happiest of scribes. We will get to why I am feeling slightly out of sorts in a minute. The day started out nice enough...well, as nice as The Windy City can be at this time of year. The serene skies actually made me forget about the messed up economy and this god-awful place I go to everyday called a job. Hmmm...I hope my boss doesn't read Kris The Critic. Oh well. This particular day I decided to take a drive through my old neighborhood. Growing up, there was no better place to be during the summer and fall than the south side of Chicago. Even for those who do not hail from Chi-City, I believe you have fond memories of your childhood neighborhood. Close your eyes and think back to the things...Awwww...I tee a wittle smile...
That brings me back to why I'm feeling a little blue. I don't know if I'll ever get that feeling back. Feel me?...not yet. Take a walk with ya boy down memory lane. Let's see if the old grey matter can remember what made the hood such a good place to be. These are of course, in no particular order:
#1) Sports - When was the last time you saw a group of kids play a game of piggy softball, or draw a square box for a game of strike out, hide and seek, red light - green light, football...ANYTHING? It just doesn't happen. No wonder kids 12 years old are so fat now. Sure, we still see a few basketball games, but that's just foreplay to someone getting shot.
#2) Pink Cookies - I know I personally ate about 2000 or so of these from age 5 to 15, so why did they stop being sold? I miss those little sugary treats. I miss all penny candy. Now you can only buy Gyros from foreigners. Back then you could get a bag full of candy for about 87 cents..Real sugar too. No high fructose corn syrup...What was your favorite?...Chiko Sticks, Mike & Ike's, Now & Laters (or Nownlaters as I called them), Wine candy?...
#3) Curfew - I know I didn't dream about this. BUT, didn't all youth (by law) have to be off the street around a certain time? Or was that just my mother who yelled out of the window at 8pm, everyday? If I wasn't in by the time the street lights came on, there were serious consequences and repercussions. They bring back curfew, crime will go down, guaranteed.
#4) Music - There was a time when you could actually hear the words of a nice song and sing along to it. All my friends would walk and sing our favorite songs. That's because someone always had a boom box (forget about an iPod). Anyone could pick up a Jet magazine, go to the hot singles page, and know ALL top 20 songs. Now, I don't know what the heck is being said or who is singing it...But we do know if it's made this decade it about naked women, sex, money and cars...Music sucks!
#5) Neighbors...nice ones and mean ones. It truly takes a village to raise a child. I didn't like it back then, but we all had someone on our block who would go nuts if you walked in their grass. As a matter of fact, most neighbors would know the kids names, break up fights, or even feed you. Today, we don't know half the people on our block.
So, we are all grown up. We have nice homes and nice cars...We didn't have much back then did we? But in truth, it was all we needed. What do you miss about the hood?
Kris The Critic
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